OP, it sounds like you asked him a weird question and he was grasping for a meaningful response so he went with "birth of the kids."

Anonymous wrote:I was there during labor but had told my wife way ahead of time that I would not be there during delivery.

Frankly, there is little nothing that a husband can do for his wife when she is delivering. I think at least some husbands are there only because there is pressure on them to be present. People are still surprised when I say that I was not present ...... almost as if I committed some sort of major crime.

To each their own, every family is different with different circumstances and preferences. However, to say there is little a husband can do is false. My husband actually caught our child, and he was the first person she ever laid eyes on. To be there at such a life changing moment in time is not nothing.

I agree with OP. You don't get brownie points for being at your own child's birth - it's compulsory. You get points for being supportive and thoughtful day in and day out by doing the little things that make your partner feel loved and secure - and they reciprocate.

OP, I don't even know where to begin. DH's response isn't normal to me. Is he usually this lacking in emotion and empathy?

He is trying to tell you that the days your children were born is his closest behavior to what people consider nice or considerate.

Have you read anything about Narcissism? They have to make things about themselves...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is a horrible man. You already know this. You drove YOURSELF to the hospital? You are not in this thing together and never have been. You already knew this but he just articulated it for you.

WTF? Where did this come from?

From the OP:


OP here. I'm trying to understand the perspective. DH and I have been having some troubles, so I said, if you could pick one day where you felt you really did something special for me, what would it be? He picked the days our children were born. I had a doula the first time (and he left for lunch for two hours) and I drove myself to the hospital the second, so there was no major handholding. It didn't occur to me that it was an optional activity so I'm trying to understand.

another dad (divorced) here - I was there at conception, every doctor's visit, and 9 hours next to my exW in the hospital before she finally delivered. When DD was born (finally a c-section), I was held her first and it was the single most spectacular moment in my life.

I simply cannot understand how a soon-to-be-father chooses not to be present during delivery. It's not like he's the one doing the work or on the "receiving" end. So any issues about being queasy - for fuck's sake just man up.

It's about being there for your wife - about doing anything and everything she needs, to be her rock. It's about being there for the start of a new journey, together. It's also about being there for one of life's truly magical moments - and it's nothing to take for granted.

For any woman whose (D)H wasn't there for the delivery - I feel bad for you. I feel even more sorry for him for having missed on a moment that he will never again get to experience.

Maybe he was thinking those were the most special presents he gave you? Your children? It's a little weird but so is the question.

I'm a woman and my attendance was not optional, I can tell you that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my DH was at the hospital physically but he did not come in for either c-section. He didn't ask me once if I needed anything or if he could rub my feet. Nothing. Spent the first birth in his car texting people. For the second he spent the entire day explaining why he shouldn't have to come in for the birth. Not one time during either birth did it dawn on him that he should be there for ME and not be obsessed with HIMSELF. Soooo yeah I get it. And shame on me for having two kids with this man.

WOW. How can you live with a man like that? He is not a partner.

Hopefully I won't be living with him much longer!!

Something that a couple need to decide for themselves.

Anonymous wrote:Dude, here's the bottom line. I don't want to be there either, but I have no choice. I'm doing the hard part. Get your ass in the room. You can be at the head end if you want.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My husband saved my life when I passed out after losing too much blood after the delivery and by some inexplicable circumstance no one except him was in the room and the nurses were at the far end of the corridor. The call button was not at the head of the bed as it was supposed to be, but hidden away in a drawer.

OP,

In this day and age, it's expected that a father would witness the birth of his children. If he can't handle the blood and moaning, then he shouldn't have copulated and doesn't deserve the babies.

PP, there are many things that a husband can do for their partner when she is giving birth! Psychologically, the very fact that you are there (not passing out) is a symbol of your engagement. If you utter words of encouragement and hold her hand, even better. If you cut the cord, hold your baby, etc even better.

I know another couple where the DH advocated for his DW (my friend) when she said she was experiencing a lot of pain during a C-section and the doctors were ignoring her. it turned out the pain medication wasn't working. Good thing he was there for her or they would have continued ignoring her and she would have felt the entire thing.

If your DH can't be your advocate at times like these, when it really counts, what good is he? I'd kick him to the curb.

It must have been one f'ed up hospital that would ignore a mother in pain and that the husband would need to be alerting the the doctors to the situation. The lesson is not that a husband should be present but that you should select a good hospital and doctors.

OP, this is about your DH being a jerk. Not about where he was during the birth of your child.

I drove myself to the hospital with my third. My water broke and it was rush hour. I didn't have the extra hour to sit around waiting for dad. I went into active labor about 30 min after arriving at the hospital.