OP here - I have 5 min while I am in the car so this will be briefs. My mom spazzed out during a roommate convo and said that she would be so uncomfortable bc we only have 1 bathroom, what if they have lots of guests and/or they smoke pot (her perfect child, my brother, does and did from the time he was in HS so insert eye roll here). She continues to say that she doesn't think she has $600 a month and said that we are going to do whatever it is that we do and she just has to adjust, tears and all. She keeps saying she does not want to live alone and if she had her druthers, she'd go back to this place or that place where she had friends. We. Are talking about living within walking distance from her, people.

My brother took a job out of the country and extended his time there to avoid all of this. Although he also lived with us for free for almost a year, his plans when he gets back are to find an uber cool downtown condo bachelor pad. He is in his 20s and is very immature for his age and is extremely selfish. He is also out of touch with her aging issues and thinks she should just get a consulting job that is flexible. He is the Dosney Dad in this relationship. I do all of the difficult stuff, work through the day-to-day issues, provide for her and he comes home on vakay, takes her out to dinner and gives her an expensive spa gift card and poof. Last time he was here I shared with him that I wanted to get her on the HUD waitlist for the housing voucher and shared info about a few other resources I found and told him I wanted us to have a family discussion. He took her out and shared all of this with her, intimating that he found all of this stuff and she ranted and raved. Meanwhile, because we did not approach it together, when I held her accountable for following up, I was met with resistance and overall, we didn't have a plan of action. She also could not remember exactly what he said by the time I started revising the issues a couple of days later, and bc I am "bad" and my brother is "good," it was not received with thanks and gratitude for "looking all of this things up" for her.

That was a vent, I know, but the moral of the story is that I have to work around him, not with him. No other siblings.

Sorry to sound harsh OP, but you sound like a doormat =( What does your DH say about all of this?

What is your brother doing in all of this? Do you have other siblings?

OP,

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't have any specific advice to offer you re: elder care stuff (my mom passed away and my dad is better off financially than us); however, I do have experience w/ other family members who could become big burdens if I let them.

1) I know she's your mom but it sounds like you've allowed her to become a completely helpless child. You already have 3 of those, and your first responsibility and duty it to them.

2) It sounds like your mother has been staying w/ you about 9 months now? Listen to everyone else and take back your room. Both you and your hubby need adequate rest. She is (I'm sorry to say) freeloading off of you and you both need your privacy and sanity to be able to handle all of this additional responsibility. Either let her stay in the basement or in the living room. You have worried too much about other people's comforts instead of yours and your spouse's.

3) Start collecting rent. Even if this is to prevent your mother from subsidizing her "husband."

4) Obviously, as others have provided some good advice/resources, move her out as soon as possible.

5) If you don't live w/ your mom you are still a good daughter.

GL, OP!

OP, maybe keep notes with details about what kinds of things you're seeing with your mom's cognitive impairments. That way you can show it during an assessment consult.

Hang in there. Once we got my MIL into a nursing home and she adjusted, she loves it there (minor complaints) but it was horrible during the time she was here toward the end and she initially refused the nursing home. It got much better for us but it was hard. Now she doesn't want to move back with us thankfully.

Get her on wait lists. Apply everywhere you can. Call and ask anyone and everyone for recommendations and suggestions (like you are doing here). That is how I got the help. For weeks I was on the phone and computer for hours a day trying to figure it out (like you are). Do not wait as some have a six month to year or longer wait list. In the meanwhile, charge her rent and/or take over her finances if they are an issue and get her evaluated. Try Hopkins or even just a regular neurologist for a dementia screening.

You aren't alone but very few people are caretakers in this area and most families have money to private pay for help, housing and other resources. We really struggled but we made it work and you can too.

If she has dementia, her being difficult is not her being difficult. It is all part of the dementia. She is as confused and frustrated as you are. My MIL by the time she came could not cook, clean and do other basics. She had to be remind to shower and would forget to wash her hair so I could dry it for her. She used to keep her home spotless. Its hard when they change. The worst is in-between when they know but don't know. And, having the same conversations over and over and over again. Or, when my MIL said some mean things to me (my husband overheard it and confronted her and she had no idea she even said them).

00:13, 00:10 I am sorry you guys are going through these issues. Truly. If it makes it any better - and this is OP by the way - I am feeling less alone. My friends' parents are much younger for the most part and they aren't going through this stuff yet. I could use a few 40-something friends but I look inconveniently young and with 3 kids in tow, the PTA moms give me the side-eye (I would too, lol).

I am leaning more toward the renting out a part of my house to my mom idea and getting her proper medical diagnosis. I need help with the 2nd part, getting her help, bc the resources are foreign to me and DH and I don't have family here who can guide/help us. You all have been so helpful and I appreciate it.

Revitz Hose was the one I was forgetting - they are income based.

http://www.hebrew-home.org/site/PageServer?pagename=revitz_homepage

or

http://www.hebrew-home.org/site/DocServer/Revitz_inserts.pdf?docID=18022

http://www.catholiccharities-md.org/senior-housing/locations-catholic-charities.html

These are far out Maryland - it would not work for us as we needed more support so I didn't call

Try Victory Housing - they were too expensive for us but may work for you.

http://www.victoryhousing.org/seniorliving.html

I'm trying to think of the others I tried.

00:10, taxes have been an issue bc she deferred taxes for penalties she got bc she withdrew pension funds and Roth IRA funds early. So that 23K has some bills coming out of it and that's one.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:take her to https://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/contact/ProgramDetail.aspx?agId=100528 for a few days and see how it goes

they will have suggestions. There are more locations in the county.

It is just going to get worse as she ages.

Your husband must be a gem to put up with this.

This is a great resource. We live in DC so I have not been looking at VA but I should.

About it getting worse as she ages - right now I she will be mad at me for suggesting that she needs an evaluation. And I don't know of anyone who doesn't love with her can tell that something is wrong. It's the forgetfulness, repeating things and quirky/bad/weird judgment that I am noticing. See, she is really smart, actually - very well educated and had a great career at her prime. As she ages, don't you think she will get lmore cooperative and willing to be treated bc she will have a sense that something is wrong? I grew up far away from my grandma and bc my parents were older, the other grandparents died before I was born, so I really don't know much about the aging in an intimate sense - forgive me.

Adult day cares are $75-100 a day. There are county grants but you have to live in the county. VA is not going to help a DC resident. You need to look at the resources in DC. The adult day cares are for those much worse than your mom. We had that problem with my MIL - it was terrible. We tried it and they barely had activities and the people just sat. To put it nicely, the nursing home is much better.

John Hopkins has a dementia/memory care office that takes medicare. They didn't tell us anything we didn't know but they are supposed to be the go to people. You may want to get her an assessment. http://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/psychiatry/specialty_areas/memory_center/

00:03 maybe it is Medicare? I am learning all of these new terms and I thought that they were kind of one in the same. I am going to see if there is a class I can take through the Fairfax cty resource someone sent me.

Assisted living waiver program - looking into it for the District, check. Thanks!

Anonymous wrote:My sentiments too - your husband is a saint!! But I would say you need to watch how far you push him or your own marriage will be over.

You are enabling your mom and not taking care of the basic issues presenting themselves about her health and well-being. She needs to be evaluated whether she likes it or not. If you do not have appropriate space for her then she needs to be in her own place or in an assisted living place where she can get care.

What are you doing about her insurance, medical care, taxes, etc. I'm assuming all are tied in with her forgotten husband. A year is a long time to be stringing along!

It isn't that simple. There are a few programs but they are hard to get into on that income. Assisted living is out as it is costly. In MD there is a five year wait list for assisted living funds and it is near impossible to get into a nursing home directly from home (we just went through this). Only one nursing home would take my MIL and it was pure begging. Medicaid pays for a nursing home BUT the workers for the county will take their sweet time in processing applications (going through this now) and most nursing homes do not want to take that risk in less someone private pays. We get a $10,000+ nursing home bill a month as the worker is sitting on processing the medicaid.

She should be covered under Medicare which also has prescription pans. I am not sure how taxes are an issue - she just files married filing separate. It is very easy to transfer medicare and the prescription plan as they are federal programs. The local programs like food stamps and medicaid (which she would not be eligible for as we tried recently) are the hard ones as well as housing.

Anonymous wrote:take her to https://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/contact/ProgramDetail.aspx?agId=100528 for a few days and see how it goes

they will have suggestions. There are more locations in the county.

It is just going to get worse as she ages.

Your husband must be a gem to put up with this.

This is a great resource. We live in DC so I have not been looking at VA but I should.

About it getting worse as she ages - right now I she will be mad at me for suggesting that she needs an evaluation. And I don't know of anyone who doesn't love with her can tell that something is wrong. It's the forgetfulness, repeating things and quirky/bad/weird judgment that I am noticing. See, she is really smart, actually - very well educated and had a great career at her prime. As she ages, don't you think she will get lmore cooperative and willing to be treated bc she will have a sense that something is wrong? I grew up far away from my grandma and bc my parents were older, the other grandparents died before I was born, so I really don't know much about the aging in an intimate sense - forgive me.