OP, why won't your husband translate here and there for you? Take it up with him. He sounds very inconsiderate.

OP here. Thanks for all the understanding. It feels much better that I am not the only one and reasonable and that I am not too sensitive in this situation. So it seems like with Chinese culture, the younger person get no respect (for this matter) in the family, I married the Chinese husband so I need to blend in. I get it but I can't help with my own feeling.
What bothering a lot is since the baby arrive, they visit my house one night a week and this becomes too much to handle sometimes as I still think they are being rude to me in my own house and I am not good to hide my feeling from my expression.

As I don't want to make more tense between me and his family, what can I do to make myself feel better to ignore this issue? Please give me some advice (especially from Cantonese speaking families) that I am not consider rude to them.

To give you more information, I have done this once and my husband said I was rude.
We were out with his family and his ex-girlfriend, who came to visit for her short school/vacation here from HK, I wasn't happy to go but forced to. It is already awkward enough to be with his ex and now with the group that I don't speak the same language. As usual, they all spoke in Cantonese the whole time and my husband did nothing to engage me into the conversation. I felt very left out and upset. After I finished my food, I was playing food prep with my left over and discard. Ok, I admit I was childish to do this but I got nothing to do and was so bored. When we were back home, he was update and told me how rude I was. I tried to explain why I did what I did, he still thought I was rude so since then I did nothing to improve the situation and I am still pissed to this moment (lol).

I think if you want respect from other, you should show your respect first regardless where you are from. I made this effort at the beginning by trying to learn Cantonese but I lost the respect for them from what feel from them and obviously it makes me feel un-easy but it is not bothering my husband or my ILs.

I'm the PP whose family is 1/2 Cantonese speakers. I just wanted to add that respect for your elders is such a HUGE part of the culture. I don't know how you/DH could convey a request to speak English at meals without huge insult. You asking your elders to change for your comfort (and essentially weighing it as more important than yours in their eyes) would definitely be a BIG DEAL.

You need a compromise like DS babysits for a massage after every outing to ease your suffering. It would be nice if he could convey your wishes to them in a way that they could care about/understand, but I find that really hard to image based on my family members...

I think they should not exclude the DIL but I appreciate that sometimes its hard for non native speakers to express themselves fully in their second language.

When I lived in HK and we were at mixed Chinese/foreign gatherings, it was always a real burden for the Chinese person/people who were fluent in English to keep the conversation rolling.

It usually ended up not being totally successful and generally that was a frequent reason why there wasn't more cross-cultural socialising.

Anonymous wrote:

Among friends and acquaintances, it's polite to speak the common language, but within a family, the family's first language is easy, homey, relaxing, and means family to them. I get this.

And when you're no longer a guest, but taken into the family, they stop catering to you and stop speaking as much English around you, because you're family now. It can be a compliment, in a way, even though it's annoying. And they do use it to exclude, too.

What I don't get is why you would treat friends and acquaintances with more courtesy than you would your family. When you treat someone like OP is being treated, you aren't drawing them into the 'circle' of family. You're keeping them outside. Saying this is just 'Asian' culture isn't at all true. It may be true for some Asian families but not for my family or the others that I know. We have our cross cultural issues but this isn't one of them.

I don't think you know much about Asian culture, even if you're ethnically Asian (sounds like it?), your attitude sounds fairly Western (and a little xenophobic!). This is REALLY common in Asia (I lived in Japan for a decade, am now married to a Vietnamese man for 12 years).

Once you are "honne" -- in the heart of the family -- and not "tatamae" -- an outsider -- you get treated like a family member, and in Asia that entails a few things we don't consider, in America, to be the way family is treated. That means less/no etiquette (not even saying "thanks for the meal" etc, which seems "rude" to Americans), acting like your true self around each other (letting it all hang out), sharing your real thoughts in an unfiltered way (which can seem shocking to an American), etc.

American WASPs (I am one) in particular have a very different culture (more rude/terse to strangers and very polite to family; behaving politely and dressing up/acting dignified around family, especially inter-generationally, i.e., with your grandparents; never really speaking your mind to your parents/grandparents or being shocked when someone says something "too real" instead of the polite passive-aggressive thing). In America, though, there are huge cultural variations (WASPs vs. Mediterranean vs. Latino, etc) in how family dynamics play out. Asian countries, with their much more homogeneous populations, tend to be more similar in how family dynamics work throughout a whole country (with personal, individual-family variation).

It's not "worse" or "better" than the Western standard, it's not "rude" or "polite" to be one way or the other. It's just DIFFERENT and it's the cultural norm in many Asian countries. Westernized Asian Americans probably won't behave like this. Immigrants (particularly generation 1 or 1.5) probably will.

The value judgments about how OP's in-laws are acting ("disrespectful!") are off base if they are being couched only in an understanding of Western culture and not Asian culture.

Anonymous wrote:They are being inconsiderate and rude. I'm Indian and ever since we were young, my dad always said that when we have non Indian guests over/vice versa, we always speak in English as to not make anyone feel left out. The fact that your inlaws seem to purposely speak their native language when you are with them, ignoring you, is just plain rude and disrespectful.

How magnanimous considering English is an official language of India

My in-laws (who do not live in a country with English as anything close to an official language) do not need to learn to speak English just to speak to me (DIL). That would be ridiculous.

Honestly, your analogy only works for the handful of countries where English is an official affiliate language and widely spoken so as to be nearly a native language to the in-laws in question.

When I saw your header, my first though was "they must be Chinese." I don't know why, but this is very common in the Cantonese speaking families I know (ie my relatives). I understand that it is a shitty situation for you, but I think it's going to be extremely tough to change. And for all the people suggesting you learn Cantonese - that's crazy! If you were going to put time into learning an extremely difficult language, it should be something useful!

My cousin married an American and the while family just chatters away in Cantonese at dinner every time they're together. I think she keeps him looped in
When it concerns him, but mostly even she ignores him. And when their baby gets older, baby will probably ignore him too. He's very patient and accepting and basically feels that he's had a long day and he's happy to eat in peace without being nagged or lectured or whatever's usually going on. I only know this because I asked him if these meals were torture for him. I'm sure no one else in the family cared enough to ask, but I'm the only really American member of the family. I don't think it even occurs to the east of them that he might be bothered.

I don't know how to bridge the gap for you
When you're obviously NOT okay with it, but I have trouble imagining them changing based on how my relatives act. If you read a book you'd probably be much happier. The crazy part is my relatives all went to college in the US! They could easily speak English around my cousins husband. Better yet, my parents often speak Mandarin to each other at dinner specifically so my husband and I can't understand them. And my dad is American! My husband gets really pissed, but there's not much I feel like I can say it do about it. I will typically not indulge them when they speak Cantonese to shut him out (I speak crappy Cantonese but no mandarin), but I don't translate either because it's usually the dumbest stuff. Like complaining about the service in a restaurant with American servers or some other dumb complaint.

Just make the husband translate. You can't change their culture or native language to be yours. Asians from strongly Confucian-influenced countries often have a different family dynamic from that of non-Confucian Asians. They fully expect a DIL to accommodate them, that she should be waiting on them and taking care of them, and that they basically own her and their son. So it's her problem if she can't speak their language.

And in general, people who are from very provincial backgrounds always speak their language in front of people who don't understand it. They don't know better, and don't care.

I try to be good natured about it with my in-laws, as they mostly don't mean harm. They're always shocked that my American attitudes are so different from theirs on so many basic things, since otherwise they consider me a good person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
They are being INCREDIBLY rude, and if your husband cannot see that, you're in a tough spot.

Your husband should tell his parents that unless they can use a common tongue when you are all together, then no more get-togethers (he can drop by to say hi every once in a while, ans speak Cantonese with them, but when you're there, you all use a common language).

It's all about your husband recognizing that his priority and his nuclear family is you and the kids, not his parents anymore.

Good luck!

Ha - ha! You have no understanding of an Asian family dynamics. Your suggestion is destructive to the family. I can bet that your race, culture and the state of your marriage is no way like the OPs.

Yeah I was going to say the same -- Asian men are not known for standing up for their family against mommy and daddy.

The first poster in a later post identified as Asian so does understand. I am as well and still would in no way let my inlaws disrespect me like that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
They are being INCREDIBLY rude, and if your husband cannot see that, you're in a tough spot.

Your husband should tell his parents that unless they can use a common tongue when you are all together, then no more get-togethers (he can drop by to say hi every once in a while, ans speak Cantonese with them, but when you're there, you all use a common language).

It's all about your husband recognizing that his priority and his nuclear family is you and the kids, not his parents anymore.

Good luck!

Ha - ha! You have no understanding of an Asian family dynamics. Your suggestion is destructive to the family. I can bet that your race, culture and the state of your marriage is no way like the OPs.

Yeah I was going to say the same -- Asian men are not known for standing up for their family against mommy and daddy.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you 22:07 PP for understanding my feeling. It is about courtesy and respect. Also thank you 22:21 PP for showing me another side of this matter. It is very true that it it is not fair for everyone else to accommodate 1 person. Also thank to those learning Cantonese advice.

OP, you're being too nice. Your in-laws are being rude. They must know they are being rude and exclusionary, especially if they know English well enough to hold conversations.

Yes, you can practice Cantonese but that will be a long road. I would try being assertive when you're with them. You can ask them to repeat what they said in English when they slip back into Cantonese. You can ask why they repeatedly speak in Cantonese when they know you don't understand.

There's no easy answer to this. Either you're silent and just take it or you stand up for yourself (politely) and make a few waves.

My brother married into an Asian family and they never do this. Your extended family are doing this as a power play, not just b/c it's convenient to speak in their native language.

I think this is a bit different as most educated Indians speak fluent English. A lot of other Asian immigrants have parents who learned English through coming to English speaking countries as adults and had very little formal education. My mother came over from Asia after having 2 kids and learned English through trying to get any type of job to support us while my dad finished grad school. She never gained complete fluency and was often embarrassed and self-conscious to have full conversations in front of my friends.

Then your mother must have some appreciation for how it feels being surrounded by people speaking a language you're not comfortable in. There are many ways of making someone feel comfortable even if you don't speak their language. OP's ILs don't seem to be doing that.

Anonymous wrote:They are being inconsiderate and rude. I'm Indian and ever since we were young, my dad always said that when we have non Indian guests over/vice versa, we always speak in English as to not make anyone feel left out. The fact that your inlaws seem to purposely speak their native language when you are with them, ignoring you, is just plain rude and disrespectful.

I think this is a bit different as most educated Indians speak fluent English. A lot of other Asian immigrants have parents who learned English through coming to English speaking countries as adults and had very little formal education. My mother came over from Asia after having 2 kids and learned English through trying to get any type of job to support us while my dad finished grad school. She never gained complete fluency and was often embarrassed and self-conscious to have full conversations in front of my friends.

Among friends and acquaintances, it's polite to speak the common language, but within a family, the family's first language is easy, homey, relaxing, and means family to them. I get this.

And when you're no longer a guest, but taken into the family, they stop catering to you and stop speaking as much English around you, because you're family now. It can be a compliment, in a way, even though it's annoying. And they do use it to exclude, too.

What I don't get is why you would treat friends and acquaintances with more courtesy than you would your family. When you treat someone like OP is being treated, you aren't drawing them into the 'circle' of family. You're keeping them outside. Saying this is just 'Asian' culture isn't at all true. It may be true for some Asian families but not for my family or the others that I know. We have our cross cultural issues but this isn't one of them.

I'm American, and my Vietnamese in-laws speak mostly Vietnamese in front of me. I know how left out you can feel. The solution is to have your husband remember he is the bridge between your cultures/languages, and he should translate for you so you can join in the fun and conversations. If you can learn to understand some basic words, it helps, too.

Among friends and acquaintances, it's polite to speak the common language, but within a family, the family's first language is easy, homey, relaxing, and means family to them. I get this.

And when you're no longer a guest, but taken into the family, they stop catering to you and stop speaking as much English around you, because you're family now. It can be a compliment, in a way, even though it's annoying. And they do use it to exclude, too.

It's just a downside of marrying into a family whose language you don't speak.

Keep in mind, when cultures mix, that each side can believe their way is the right way, and even worse, never imagine that a reasonable and nice person would do things a different way.