Anonymous
Post 07/08/2014 14:21     Subject: Re:"I didn't know you expected a response" Reality check me, please.
Chick with 7 brothers again....

we also do Mothers Day for my mom on another day... like the Saturday or Friday before.
We do Xmas the weekend after, usually between Xmas and NY.
We never do Thanksgiving together.
I also try to get the cousins together without the adults, this is easier once some of the cousins drive. When they were younger I did free babysitting just to get the kids together. Maybe when they are school age (not sure their age) do a cousins movie night and let your bro go to dinner with his wife. (Still 1 SIL would say "why would my kids want to watch a movie with kids they don't even know"... okay well I want them to know each other that is why I am doing movie night...)

I missed whether they live close or not.
Anonymous
Post 07/08/2014 13:54     Subject: "I didn't know you expected a response" Reality check me, please.
Cut back on the dang emails and voicemails. My DH won't even listen to the voicemails on our home phone (and most of them are for him!). It can take him 8 hours to answer my texts. Big Deal. I like to talk, but damn I am not listening to some long ass, rambling voicemail -- anything over 15 seconds...and I walk out the room. You sound like an over-communicator with a lot of expectations. Take people how you find them and move on.
Anonymous
Post 07/08/2014 13:50     Subject: "I didn't know you expected a response" Reality check me, please.
Anonymous wrote:My DH is the this way. I primarily handle all communication and making plans with his family. They know if they expect a response on a question, to ask me. I've expressed to him how rude this is and he's never been able to give me an answer why he does it.

FWIW, he loves his family very much. He's just a really poor communicator. If it doesn't pertain to his work or our household, he doesn't deal with it.


THIS. Plus, how many emails are you sending, personally I don't spend a lot of time reading and responding to emails. Guys very often (and not all of them) are not into the catching up, small talk, chitty chat that women can tolerate -- they just aren't. It's not personal.
Anonymous
Post 07/08/2014 13:47     Subject: "I didn't know you expected a response" Reality check me, please.
If you were my sister and started demanding responses, you'd get a one liner that says "got it." From your post, it seems like everything is always about you. He's not being passive aggressive, he's dedication his time to people who are interested in him and his life instead of just talking about themselves. Also, why email? Other than my work email, I don't check mine unless someone calls and says "I am emailing you xyz."
Anonymous
Post 07/08/2014 13:32     Subject: "I didn't know you expected a response" Reality check me, please.
Anonymous wrote:So you have been holding grudges about an unreturned congratulatory engagement voicemail message for over a decade?


Obviously the OP has issues.

Anonymous
Post 07/08/2014 13:29     Subject: "I didn't know you expected a response" Reality check me, please.
Anonymous wrote:OP back again. Both of us (brother and I) have been married for approximately 10 years. Both of us have children (families) And yes, both of us have people who love us. Jeez, only on DCUM!


So you have been holding grudges about an unreturned congratulatory engagement voicemail message for over a decade?
Anonymous
Post 07/08/2014 13:26     Subject: Re:"I didn't know you expected a response" Reality check me, please.
Anonymous wrote:I have 7 (yes 7) brothers. They do not respond unless you have a question. If you want them to call you back you must state, please give me a call. If you have expectations they need to be stated clearly.

It hurts my feeling if you don't call on my Birthday. (Not, hey you did not call me on MY birthday) Also expect it to be your birthweek not the exact day.

I will be upset if you don't call me at least 2 times a year. (Not... It would be nice to hear from you at least 2 times a year... to vague.)

Also, Your sister in law is not "part of the family" in her mind. (I am a daughter in law and I am part of my H family... so I get that some daughter in laws are.) Sorry, but I have found this with all my sister in laws. They are part of their family and our family is a mild annoyance and sometimes fun but "not really her family". (Of course there are 9 of us so I understand... it is a lot) BTW, 5 of my 7 SIL are awesome but still they are busy to say the least.

Also, by definition, you are the one being passive agressive. I am not trying to blame you but it is a process to lose that connection to a sibling and having expectation that are not clearly stated and then getting upset about what you imagine is the 'correct" response is going down the passive aggressive path.



I agree with this PP.

Some people - particularly men - need to have direct instruction. My DH is one of them.
Anonymous
Post 07/08/2014 13:25     Subject: Re:"I didn't know you expected a response" Reality check me, please.
Anonymous wrote:OP you sound like my SIL. Really, just leave us alone. Stop trying so hard for it comes off as controlling and overbearing. You have unreasonable expectations and are just going to be disappointed in whatever response we give you, so what's the point. Stop focusing so much on your brother and focus on yourself.


Thanks for the feedback from "us." Project much???
Anonymous
Post 07/08/2014 13:22     Subject: "I didn't know you expected a response" Reality check me, please.
OP back again. Both of us (brother and I) have been married for approximately 10 years. Both of us have children (families) And yes, both of us have people who love us. Jeez, only on DCUM!
Anonymous
Post 07/08/2014 12:51     Subject: "I didn't know you expected a response" Reality check me, please.
Anonymous wrote:My DH is the this way. I primarily handle all communication and making plans with his family. They know if they expect a response on a question, to ask me. I've expressed to him how rude this is and he's never been able to give me an answer why he does it.

FWIW, he loves his family very much. He's just a really poor communicator. If it doesn't pertain to his work or our household, he doesn't deal with it.



Mine too! It is possible that your brother is simply not interested in keeping up with everyone for no particular dislike. If she has no need to keep the relationships with his family strong then they simply fall.
Anonymous
Post 07/08/2014 11:30     Subject: Re:"I didn't know you expected a response" Reality check me, please.
Anonymous wrote:I have 7 (yes 7) brothers. They do not respond unless you have a question. If you want them to call you back you must state, please give me a call. If you have expectations they need to be stated clearly.

It hurts my feeling if you don't call on my Birthday. (Not, hey you did not call me on MY birthday) Also expect it to be your birthweek not the exact day.

I will be upset if you don't call me at least 2 times a year. (Not... It would be nice to hear from you at least 2 times a year... to vague.)

Also, Your sister in law is not "part of the family" in her mind. (I am a daughter in law and I am part of my H family... so I get that some daughter in laws are.) Sorry, but I have found this with all my sister in laws. They are part of their family and our family is a mild annoyance and sometimes fun but "not really her family". (Of course there are 9 of us so I understand... it is a lot) BTW, 5 of my 7 SIL are awesome but still they are busy to say the least.

Also, by definition, you are the one being passive agressive. I am not trying to blame you but it is a process to lose that connection to a sibling and having expectation that are not clearly stated and then getting upset about what you imagine is the 'correct" response is going down the passive aggressive path.


P.S. I only call my brothers in am, when I think they are commuting, or at work, otherwise they are distracted.
Anonymous
Post 07/08/2014 10:28     Subject: "I didn't know you expected a response" Reality check me, please.
It's fine. She's a law firm partner - she's probably outrageously busy. My SIL only responds to emails if I email her a real question (not 'how are you?') that requires an answer.

It's totally fine. Now I know that, so I adjusted my expectations. This is not something to be upset about. Everyone likes to communicate differently - the way that works best for you is not the way that works best for them.
Anonymous
Post 07/08/2014 10:24     Subject: "I didn't know you expected a response" Reality check me, please.
^ and just curious - - do you have friends? Do you feel close to people. Do people love you?

-not op, just a poster who's wondering
Anonymous
Post 07/08/2014 10:22     Subject: Re:"I didn't know you expected a response" Reality check me, please.
OP you sound like my SIL. Really, just leave us alone. Stop trying so hard for it comes off as controlling and overbearing. You have unreasonable expectations and are just going to be disappointed in whatever response we give you, so what's the point. Stop focusing so much on your brother and focus on yourself.
Anonymous
Post 07/08/2014 10:12     Subject: "I didn't know you expected a response" Reality check me, please.
Op, why are you trying so hard? I think it's odd you left a long VM when they were first engaged. If she did not want to talk on the phone (I hate talking to strangers on the phone- especially strangers on my DH's side, it could have waited until you met.

You seem too pushy. Maybe that is why they are unresponsive. And perhaps you write about your family but do not ASK any questions that require a response.

If they ARE too busy, then scale it back. Relationships take two people to maintain.