Help her get her nose fixed. If the mother (who sounds like a real bitch) takes it out on the youngest daughter and "forgets" scheduled visits with her father, document everything and take her to court.

Anonymous wrote:OP,
It's hard to know because we only have your side. Another consideration is the younger sibling. If things deteriorate/escalate, that child, still living with the mother, is going to bear the brunt of it, not you, DH or your stepdaughter.

OP here and I agree with you completely - that is why I posted my situation. I don't want to do anything to possibly hurt my youngest stepdaughter. By the same token, my 18 year old stepdaughter has turned her life around so completely that if this is what she feels will help her DH and I want to support her.

It is a very tough situation. Do we do nothing for 18 yr old stepdaughter because of what the mother MIGHT do to my youngest stepdaughter?


And in this instance, you do know both sides as it were. 18 year old wants a nose job and has researched it and talked about it with her therapist for a while. DH and I think it's okay and her mother does not. Stepdaughter is over 18 and if she had the money could legally have the surgery. All she is asking us for is the money.

OP,
It's hard to know because we only have your side. Another consideration is the younger sibling. If things deteriorate/escalate, that child, still living with the mother, is going to bear the brunt of it, not you, DH or your stepdaughter.

As a first wife and mother of three, I always side with the first wife/mother of the children both in real life and on these threads - however this is my one and only exception!

You are right, OP, and this mother is wrong. Help that girl feel as good about herself as possible after all she has been through and overcome. Pay for the surgery and help her recover (I had a nose job, too and it HURTS A LOT afterwards).

Anonymous wrote:Your face is still changing at that age. You might pick a nose or change it more than it needs for your adult face. We haven't seen OP's daughter's nose so all the pros ring hollow.

The bones are set at 16 - that's the age where nearly every other girl in my high school had their noses "done" - myself included.

I have been very happy with my face and appearance since I got my nose done, OP. And it has made a difference in how I have presented myself ever since.

Pay for her surgery and F the mother who couldn't be bother going to her daughter's family therapy sessions when she was in rehab. She is a horrible mother anyway.

Your face is still changing at that age. You might pick a nose or change it more than it needs for your adult face. We haven't seen OP's daughter's nose so all the pros ring hollow.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Set up a meeting with your step daughter, the father and her therapist. Ask the therapist her honest opinion . Do whatever is decided in that meeting.

OP here - yes, this was already done last week. That's how we know her therapist supports her decision.

Her mother is still her parent too and should be included either in person or by phone.

OP again and it was my stepdaughter's decision not to include her mother (or me for that matter) just her Dad. There is nothing anyone can do to force her to include her mother. Plus her mother never once came to any family therapy either when she was in rehab or the entire year she has been out and living with us and going to individual therapy three times a week. Once when my stepdaughter asked her to come to one of her (stepdaughter's) therapy sessions the mother said no.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Set up a meeting with your step daughter, the father and her therapist. Ask the therapist her honest opinion . Do whatever is decided in that meeting.

OP here - yes, this was already done last week. That's how we know her therapist supports her decision.

Her mother is still her parent too and should be included either in person or by phone.

Another vote for YES - foot the bill for the surgery and help her in any way you can.

I was very overweight when I was in high school and my parents just kept telling me I was beautiful just the way I was. I got to college and committed to diet and exercise and lost all my weight and kept it off ever since. My parents thought they were building my self-esteem but they were in fact doing the opposite.

I vote with all the pros. I had a birthmark removed in my twenties which made me self conscious growing up. Only regret is that the technology did not exist when I was younger. The mom who thinks her daughter should "accept" her nose when it's easily fixable is nuts.

You sound like a great stepmom!

Anonymous wrote:OP,
How would your stepdaughter feel if she found this thread?

I don't know - why do you ask?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:18 is too young in my opinion. Though if she actually does have a horrible nose and not just a pronounced one, I'd support her if she pays for it only.

Sorry--just don't get this PP and others. An unfortunate nose can be as emotionally difficult for a teenager as bad skin. Would these PPs be saying just let the girl get a job and buy skin products at the CVS or use the family soap? Is it because insurance pays for dermatology and not plastic surgery, making the latter more out of reach? If finances were a problem, I'd get the plastic surgery and skimp on something else--a child's emotional health is too important.

+1

My daughter had treatment resistant acne that resulted in severe self esteem issues that I know were a factor in her drug use. We finally found something that works; she is much happier with herself and off drugs.

I do not think it's far fetched to believe that image problems because of OP's SD's nose were in part behind the behavior problems she has done such a good job overcoming. Fixing her nose is part of a solid relapse prevention program.

Excellent point. Lack of self-esteem can absolutely lead to inappropriate sexual behavior and drug use.


Very astute, PP.

Anonymous wrote:OP,
You do understand that you are rushing this -- why the rush? When did the mother first get news of this possibility? Also, is the daughter psychologically prepared? There are psychological considerations, some patients think plastic surgery will transform them beyond what is possible. She's really been through the wringer. Maybe wait, and do the nose job when she transfers to college from community college? We don't know how bad her nose is. Maybe not so bad?

omg, PP - Stop with the Psych 101 "advice."

I had one at 16, OP, after I finally stopped growing.

I'm fine.

It was not life-changing, but it made me happier.

OP,
How would your stepdaughter feel if she found this thread?

Anonymous wrote:Set up a meeting with your step daughter, the father and her therapist. Ask the therapist her honest opinion . Do whatever is decided in that meeting.

OP here - yes, this was already done last week. That's how we know her therapist supports her decision.