Anonymous wrote:I can't pretend anymore that the mean, rude questions kids ask about her (as if she's not even there) are some sort of gateway to friendship for her. It's dishonest, both kids know it's not building friendship, and it doesn't defend and protect my daughter.

I'm talking about mean kids coming up to us at the pool and asking rude and confrontational questions about her condition, obviously without the intent of friendship.

Kid: What is wrong with her? (sneer on face)
Me: Her name is Larla! What's your name?
Kid: unsure (Larlo) Why is she so small?
Me: Just because! Do you like to swim?
Kid dashes away

Meanwhile, my kid is hanging her head in shame. I just can't take this anymore. My husband thinks I should tell the kids to go f*&^ themselves. I don't want to do that. But I really think this is not protective of my daughter and she knows damn well these kids are not coming in friendship and to try to pretend this is some sort of friendly encounter does her a disservice.

Does anyone have a strategy about this?

How about:

Kid: What is wrong with her? (sneer on face)
You: Go Away (said with a sneer on your face)

There was a little boy at our pool, about the same age as my boys (early elementary). His dad had him at the side of the pool, watching the other kids splashing in the water.

My boys were involved in a squirt gun fight with a bunch of kids they didn't know, and the other boy was watching.

When one of my boys tossed his squirter back to me, I noticed the little boy trying to crawl towards it.

I caught his dad's eye, and asked him if his boy would like it since we had extras.

The little boy's eyes lit up and he started trying to crawl towards me, reaching out for the squirter.

The dad abruptly said not thanks, called his boy back, and a few minutes later lifted him out of the pool and went somewhere else.

It broke my heart, because the boy's back was towards his dad and I could see how excited he was by the offer of the squirter and how sad he was when dad said no.

Maybe he couldn't have managed it by himself, but his dad could have helped him to squirt it at the other kids and he could have been part of the fun with all those other boys about his age. They wouldn't have cared if the dad was helping him squirt them. They are at the age when they are excited when a dad gets involved in the battle, even if they don't know him.

I think I offended the dad, and that was not my attention. My youngest in particular doesn't know a stranger, and he would have loved a new friend since we are new to the pool. Me? I just saw a little boy who looked like he wanted to play and who looked like he wanted out extra squirt tube.

I think dad assumed the worst of my offer, judging from his abrupt refusal and moving away shortly afterwards.

It sucks, and I can't imagine how difficult a place like the pool must be for someone whose kid is on the outside every minute.

But perhaps, not every overture is meant to hurt and might actually be genuine kindness.

Anonymous wrote:An 8 yr old (diagnosed bipolar) said to my DS, "I'm going to torture you in your sleep." I got on my knees to her level and said, "I'm going to torture you in your dreams." She never talked to him again.

That's awesome. I love it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An 8 yr old (diagnosed bipolar) said to my DS, "I'm going to torture you in your sleep." I got on my knees to her level and said, "I'm going to torture you in your dreams." She never talked to him again.

Yikes. Not sure I would be threatening a mentally ill child.

+100 An adult saying that to a child who you know is diagnosed as bipolar is way worse than what the kid said to your DS.

Anonymous wrote:An 8 yr old (diagnosed bipolar) said to my DS, "I'm going to torture you in your sleep." I got on my knees to her level and said, "I'm going to torture you in your dreams." She never talked to him again.

Yikes. Not sure I would be threatening a mentally ill child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, that makes me sad. Perhaps you can try to ignore a child that looks mean by not making eye contact? Like subtley turning your back to them, so they don't have a chance to say something.

And if they do manage to say something like what you had described, you could say, "there is nothing wrong with her, she is a kind and wonderful girl". Then maybe if your DD hears you say that to others, then she will feel good about herself, because you would have stood up for her and you said good things about her.

Okay even I would laugh in your face if you said this.

Whatever. I was trying to help you.

That wasn't OP replying to you, PP. It was someone else.

I like to deflect it back to the child (only the ones asking in a mean way). "why do you ask?" or "why do you want to know?" or "is this something you should be concerned about?". That usually shuts them up pretty quick while I haven't been outwardly mean.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, of course the kids aren't trying to connect with your child in friendship with these questions, but I don't necessarily think they're trying to mean. They are curious and don't know how to filter or refrain from asking.

If your kid understands the questions, I would have a talk with her about how people wonder about why she looks the way she does if she looks physically different from most kids.

I get why you're sick of the questions but I think you're reading way to much into this situation.

^^^ this is one of the morally relative sweet supportive gobbledygook language post-modern mamas from my neighborhood.

Ha ha, I totally agree.

Maybe you can just say, "I'm sorry but we're busy right now" and turn your back on them. My experience with mean kids is that when you look them in the eye they shrink away, precisely because they know they're being mean. Yes, there are mean kids out there, getting away with because of this "gobbledygook."

+100. But I would say a little more, along the lines of what a PP said. "She's fine, and your question is rude. I hope you'll be more polite the next time we see you. Please leave now." They won't mess with you again once they know you won't let them get away with that crap. I'm really sorry, OP. Some people are just born mean and have fun with it.

An 8 yr old (diagnosed bipolar) said to my DS, "I'm going to torture you in your sleep." I got on my knees to her level and said, "I'm going to torture you in your dreams." She never talked to him again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, that makes me sad. Perhaps you can try to ignore a child that looks mean by not making eye contact? Like subtley turning your back to them, so they don't have a chance to say something.

And if they do manage to say something like what you had described, you could say, "there is nothing wrong with her, she is a kind and wonderful girl". Then maybe if your DD hears you say that to others, then she will feel good about herself, because you would have stood up for her and you said good things about her.

Okay even I would laugh in your face if you said this.

Whatever. I was trying to help you.

I doubt that was OP's response to your comment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, that makes me sad. Perhaps you can try to ignore a child that looks mean by not making eye contact? Like subtley turning your back to them, so they don't have a chance to say something.

And if they do manage to say something like what you had described, you could say, "there is nothing wrong with her, she is a kind and wonderful girl". Then maybe if your DD hears you say that to others, then she will feel good about herself, because you would have stood up for her and you said good things about her.

Okay even I would laugh in your face if you said this.

Whatever. I was trying to help you.

First of all, you never mentioned that your DD could not respond herself. If these kids are rude, blame their parents. If their parents are nearby, make it clear that what they've just said is rude so that their parents can hear. If they aren't around, just tell them that nothing is wrong with your daughter and then walk away.

How about this reply:


"Nothing is wrong with her. Why are you so rude?"

Anonymous wrote:I'm with your dh. Tell those little brats to bug off. You could give your daughter some good comebacks to use as she gets older.

Rude kid: What's wrong with her?
You: Nothing, what's wrong with you?
You: That's a rude thing to say. Go away.
You: That's none of your business. Stop being nosy.

I don't buy the "developmentally appropriate" argument. They aren't 3. Teach your daughter that she doesn't have to be a doormat because she is different. No one gets friends by begging for them.

+1 This is exactly what I would do.

Well the thing is you are trying to protect your DD. but, you can't. What you can do instead is offer solace. I am always honest with my DD who has suffered through some of what you describe.

If, well when, kids are being mean or rude I've always told my DD if she keeps watching them, they will do something mean and rude to someone else. Takes the onus off of my child and puts it on the rude one. I also tell her people look at people who are different, it's stupid but it's reality and there's little anyone can do to change it. So don't take it personally, just be the best person God put you on this earth to be.