Anonymous
Post 06/24/2014 09:16     Subject: my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
Anonymous wrote:OP, I sympathize but you really aren't going to be able to change them. You are going to have to come to terms to this somehow.

I confess that I do understand your parents. I love my children dearly and enjoy raising them, but once they are independent adults, I have no desire to go for round 2 with my grandchildren (while being much older and much less energetic to boot, no less). I would probably enjoy 'me and my husband time' a lot and be iffy on willing to be a babysitter.


This is my mom too. She comes by with food and toys for the kids, spend 1-2 hours when she can then leave. I only ask her to babysit during emergencies but don't expect more.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2014 09:04     Subject: my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
OP I could have written your post. I had a wonderful, close relationship with my grandparents growing up - they always wanted to be us - and I had so hoped that my children would have that. Sadly my Mother runs a one woman PR campaign on Facebook that makes her seem like the perfect grandparent but rarely sees my children. Always an excuse. And she does nothing with her time. I guess she'd rather look like a loving grandparent to her cyber friends than actually be one. So sad.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2014 09:02     Subject: Re:my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
OP: How old are you and how old are your parents? We are older parents and the grandparents were just too old to really get into the kids. At about age 58-65 the parents realize that this is their time to travel, do things, start that hobby and so on. They know that if they wait later, they will not have the energy to enjoy these things that they looked forward to for so long. So while the kids are delightful, other things are calling. Also there is the issue of how you parent and having accidents. Our parents wee really too old to take care of the kids and they did not love when the babysitter came over (because it made them feel old) -- they were old. 70 is old in general no matter how spry they look.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2014 08:50     Subject: Re:my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She said she wasn't scared but thought it would be easier to meet half way. And then went on about having to return something at the mall anyway so it was easy for her.


Wow, that is revealing. Have you ever considered that one or both of your parents is punishing you by withholding their presence/affection BECAUSE you have kids and you can no longer satisfy their demands and whims? Your kids are competitors -- of course your mom doesn't enjoy them. Ick. I'm sorry, but your particular dynamics run far deeper than just a generational boomer stereotype. Surely hearing her say this crap makes your blood run cold. Maybe it's time to reconsider how many times she wasn't willing to do sh*& for you, either.


Hard to believe, but this was my MIL.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2014 08:47     Subject: Re:my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
I sympathize, OP. I have a somewhat similar situation, except that my parents are older and, at least initially, lived farther away. But here's my general point. It can improve. I think that neither of my parents was especially interested in babies or small kids. For one thing, at the time my older one was born (13 years ago) I was the last baby either of them had handled in any serious way. And because they are older (now in their 80s) they weren't up for a lot of "hands on" caretaking.

But I've found as my kids have gotten older that my parents' ability to interact with them has certainly improved. I wouldn't say that my kids and my parents are very close, but they appreciate one another and have a good relationship. Now that my parents live closer, they try to come to some kid events. (But, because they are old, schlepping to soccer games isn't always fun.)

And, most importantly, I have managed my expectations. I never expected my parents to be very involved with my kids. They haven't been, and that's been ok for everyone.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2014 08:35     Subject: my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
My mom is super helpful and will go well out of her way to be with the grandkids. My ILs are nice and present when there, but never offer to watch the kids (even after they are fast asleep) and just aren't the step up to the plate kind of people. I wouldn't mind except they caused me extra work when my kids were babies and I had ppd and resented that they didn't even bring their dishes to the kitchen after the dinner I had cooked with a 1 month old in a sling and a 2.5 year old difficult toddler screaming at my leg. Now that my kids are older I am not as angry about it because I'm well-rested, but at the time when I was at wits end I couldn't imagine that they could be so selfish. I don't expect people to do my dishes for me or tidy my house, but if I saw anyone, friend family stranger who was so in need of an extra set of hands I wouldn't just wander into the other room to relax without even offering to help. It's just who I am so I can't fathom people who are so blatantly unhelpful.

Op--you just have to accept who they are and move on. They aren't going to change for you and the sooner you are peace with it, the sooner you will be at peace.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2014 08:14     Subject: my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
My parents are pretty similar to yours OP but a bit more accommodating. How were their parents? My mom always had to visit her parents with us. It was the unspoken rule. My dad's parents were not in the picture. Now my mom always expects us to visit her so I chalk it up to her upbringing. My dad is aloof about the whole grandparent thing. All of this really irks my sister. I've come to grips with this is how they want to be. They are really into the kids on the phone and my kids find that fun. My mom would never be on the ground playing with my kids. It's not her thing so we aren't really missing much from the in person contact. Lower your expectations and you won't be as mad.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2014 08:07     Subject: my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
OP, just to give you a different perspective - I'm 35 years old and my mother STILL won't accept that her mom (my grandmother) is not a "milk and cookies" grandparent. My grandmother loves me in her own way, and I love her in return. I have very fond memories of the very few times they watched me at their home, even though for most of my childhood they also lived 30 minutes away. What was a harder burden for me to bear was my mom constantly overreacting and making passive aggressive comments about her parents. When I was older it tainted my view of them, for sure. As the child of two working parents who very much had their own lives and problems, I know my mom was hurting. I just wish she resolved her issues with them instead of projecting them on her own kids. Not to say you are doing the same, OP, but be aware as your kids get older they'll infer a lot from you.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2014 07:46     Subject: my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
Have any of you ever considered that you put so many restrictions on what your children may do that your parents just say "forget it." No tv, want them engaged all the time, special food preparations (not allergies), it is a pain in the neck to have your kids around.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2014 07:09     Subject: my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
Anonymous wrote:I love my parents... we have always been "close" and they raised us in a very loving family. However, they are very much of the mindset of "we raised you, you are now married and we get to have our own life again". Maybe it is the way baby boomers think but it is really making me very resentful of them. They live 25 minutes away, never offer to babysit or even ask to come visit. When I offer to come to see them, they are always accepting and excited...but when I ask for them to come to our place it is "let me check with your dad" or "I don't know if we can do that"....and babysitting is another story... "As of now we can, but I don't know what to tell you if something else comes up"... I have such a hard time understanding why they aren't begging to see their grandchildren or spend time with them. They love to brag to their friends about how we live so close and how wonderful their grandchildren are... I even just offered a suggestion to go to the beach together (we would even pay for the house) and my mom's response was "I don't know...I want to plan a trip to ...blah blah blah... and I've been talking to your dad about doing..blah..blah..blah..." I just couldn't believe that they wouldn't jump at an offer to spend a week (free) at the beach with their grandchildren.

Because of this, I never ask them for any help and pretty much only see them for special occasions when I make the effort...all despite being 25 minutes away! I honestly believe they are just in a selfish retired me-me-me phase of their life and it isn't anything we have said or done to them... whenever I have made little comments about "most grandparents would be so grateful to live close to their grandchildren" it doesn't seem to phase them because they just keep talking about their own travel and daily plans.

I want to accept this but it is hard and I wish they wanted to spend more time with our family. Just a vent...thanks for listing!


Please don't blame the baby boomers. My parents were/are depression babies and did similar things. Grandparents, for the most part, get to decide what kind of grandparents they want to be. Some want to be a larger part of their grandchildren's lives - others don't. Mine chose to be vacation and holiday parents. So they rarely visited and we had to go to them more often then not. Mine are/were further away.

I wish I could tell you how I eventually got over it, but I didn't. It lessened over time, but I still teared up from time to time when I saw grandparents from England at concerts/games more often than my parents visited from NC. I wasn't even looking for help, just more of an interest and relationship with my children. My mother died in March, my children are in HS and they came to 2 events for each child in the course of their lives. 3 of the four were over the course of one weekend when the happened to be visiting on their way back to NC, the third was a guilt trip to go to the same event they attended for the elder child. They did not come to our older son's Eagle Scout Ceremony.

It was a bit of a bait and switch as they were excellent parents and seemed to love other people's babies at events prior to grandchildren. They were 68 and 67 when their first grand child was born and I think that was a factor. Something happens around the age of 70. DH's parents were burned out of grandparenthood when our children came along- they were the 10th and 11th of 12. Plus, MIL was in early dementia when the eldest was born.

We tried to foster 'adoptive' grandparents in our neighborhood and in our Congregation, but that never really gelled. My sister has really stepped up to the plate and been a super Aunt and for that I am grateful- she is in Conn with two children of her own so there are some limits.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2014 00:35     Subject: my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
Anonymous wrote:Some of you have a seriously sad and depressing view of family relationships. Why have children if you cut them loose at 25? Do they stop being your children and needing love and support because they are grown up?


Um yes. They stop needing love and support from their parents when they have spouses and children.
I had children to raise them. Through CHILDHOOD.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2014 23:26     Subject: my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm inclined to agree with the posters who say you sound whiny and like you're just annoyed because your parents don't want to be babysitters.

While I'm not a grandparent, I've had a sibling that was really only interested in me, because they wanted me for free babysitting. It took me some time to figure this out, and let me tell you, it's a shitty feeling. A really shitty feeling, to feel like the only reason you're relevant to your family member, is because they want you for THEIR needs/wants.

I think when you become a grownup, the relationship with your parents even out - you become peers. Your parents, while they cared for you, are not responsible for (1) caring for your children, and (2) not responsible for you as an adult. Get to know your parents as peers and friends, and equals. If you want help from them, ask - but also give help right back to them. You are equals now - your parents do not owe you anything. Spend time with them for the sake of spending time with them - not because you want babysitters.


WTF are you talking about. Parents always love you as parents. You sound like a freaky babyboomer. Parents do not become your peers.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2014 23:23     Subject: my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
Anonymous wrote:My parents are exactly the same. My mom was a sahm, so I thought she would delight in her grandkids. When we first moved to this area, I insisted we live in Arlington rather than DC so we wouldn't unnecessarily add 20 minutes to their trip (thinking they would make v frequent visits from NC). Instead, we see them twice a year. I really had to go through a grieving process - writing a goodbye letter to the mom I thought I knew/had (at the suggestion of a therapist). It helped temporarily, but it has taken years to accept (my oldest is 12). I'm still disappointed, but I have learned to accept the new reality for the most part and try to enjoy the time I have with them regardless. My sister and I commiserate/joke about it b/c they are the same way with my nephew. Interestingly, like a pp, I think my mom is now an alcoholic and that might have something to do with her lack of interest.


You are probably right. My MIL is an alcoholic and it has taken over her life. It is hard to do anything else when you get the shakes at 9am while your body waits for it's 5pm drink.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2014 22:59     Subject: my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
OP, my parents are the same. I am sorry. It sucks. I have kind of accepted it, but I am not happy about it.
Try to talk to them if you can.
I did, but it didn't work. My mom acted all hurt, and my dad blamed me for upsetting her, didn't get anywhere.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2014 22:52     Subject: Re:my parents are not the type of grandparents I wish they could be....help me accept this fact!
OP, I commiserate. My dad and my inlaws are the same way. I frankly did not expect more from my inlaws because they were not particularly present parents to DH, but I grew up very close to my parents and I still grieve the grandparent who I "expected" my dad to be. My mom passed away when I was in my early 20s and I have zero expectations of him as a babysitter, but I do expect him to be more involved and interested in my kids' lives - I wish he would come to the occasional soccer game or school play, come over for dinner semi regularly, take a vacation with us once in awhile (like OP we always offer to pay) - to build a connection and memories with his grandchildren. What makes it especially baffling to me is that I was very close to both sets of grandparents growing up, and spent a lot of time at their houses and they did babysit my siblings and me - so my own dad had a great example of involved grandparents. I do think you are onto something with it being generational, op, because I do have friends who similarly are disappointed in the fact that their parents seem to relish senior vacations and golf outings more than time with their grandkids.