Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best friend from college is a man. We've known each other for over 20 years and when I was married, he was close to both me and my husband and I have been there for him numerous times over the years with all kinds of personal and professional help. Now my friend is married to a woman from another culture and she does not like me and does not want to spend any time with me. My friend is very close to my children and plans activities that involve them- offers to take them to the movies, but without actually saying so, he refuses to plan any activities with ME- also including his wife and/or other people! I'm not trying to move in on this relationship; I just miss my friend. I was hoping that if we all spent time together, she would mellow towards me but I can't seem to make that happen. I've tried to talk to my friend about it, but both times he got really mad at me for bringing it up. Any advice or am I at the point where I'm going to have to start grieving what was once a very close and supportive friendship?

1. The different culture thing probably plays a big role in the situation....and there isn't much you can do about that.

2. For some people that have never been in a situation like you and your friend, they don't understand that the opposite sex can have strictly platonic relationships. So when the enter a relationship, and their spouse has a very close opposite-sex friend, it may throw them off. So it may take some time for that person to fully trust the situation.

3. Growing up I had a lot of male friends (I am male) that would fade away when dating someone new. But once that relationship ended, they'd be coming back around more often. I never held it against them because that is just how things work sometimes. A true friend will be there no matter what. If that means a few months/years of not being as close as normal...oh well. A true friend will be there.

BULLSHIT. Different culture has nothing to do with this. So stop the hypocrisy. It doesn't take long for a platonic relationship to become romantic. We've all had male friends growing up. The flavor of friendship changes once you get married and/or your friend does. Like one of the PPs mentioned you interact with them as a couple and within boundaries that doesn't undermine that bond. I find it hard to believe that the wife came claws drawn at OP. Maybe there is something about OP that makes her insecure and guard her relationship with her dh more. This is normal for both men and women, who are in love. OP has to accept that and move on.

It's NOT normal for one spouse to isolate the other from their friends, regardless of gender!!! That is a path towards abuse .

Op, I'm sorry you are being put through this. It's not fair to you and you don't deserve it. Only advice I have is to take hope , and keep your chin up!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best friend from college is a man. We've known each other for over 20 years and when I was married, he was close to both me and my husband and I have been there for him numerous times over the years with all kinds of personal and professional help. Now my friend is married to a woman from another culture and she does not like me and does not want to spend any time with me. My friend is very close to my children and plans activities that involve them- offers to take them to the movies, but without actually saying so, he refuses to plan any activities with ME- also including his wife and/or other people! I'm not trying to move in on this relationship; I just miss my friend. I was hoping that if we all spent time together, she would mellow towards me but I can't seem to make that happen. I've tried to talk to my friend about it, but both times he got really mad at me for bringing it up. Any advice or am I at the point where I'm going to have to start grieving what was once a very close and supportive friendship?

1. The different culture thing probably plays a big role in the situation....and there isn't much you can do about that.

2. For some people that have never been in a situation like you and your friend, they don't understand that the opposite sex can have strictly platonic relationships. So when the enter a relationship, and their spouse has a very close opposite-sex friend, it may throw them off. So it may take some time for that person to fully trust the situation.

3. Growing up I had a lot of male friends (I am male) that would fade away when dating someone new. But once that relationship ended, they'd be coming back around more often. I never held it against them because that is just how things work sometimes. A true friend will be there no matter what. If that means a few months/years of not being as close as normal...oh well. A true friend will be there.

BULLSHIT. Different culture has nothing to do with this. So stop the hypocrisy. It doesn't take long for a platonic relationship to become romantic. We've all had male friends growing up. The flavor of friendship changes once you get married and/or your friend does. Like one of the PPs mentioned you interact with them as a couple and within boundaries that doesn't undermine that bond. I find it hard to believe that the wife came claws drawn at OP. Maybe there is something about OP that makes her insecure and guard her relationship with her dh more. This is normal for both men and women, who are in love. OP has to accept that and move on.

If I had a Female friend , whose Dh was isolating her from friends- everyone here would be screaming that he was controlling and abusive . But because the wife is the controller... Somehow it's ok.

If this guy was frinds with both OP and her husband, but peeled off to OPs side once she divorced her husband, maintaining such a level of intimacy with her and assuming not her husband. Then there is far more to her relationship with him than she is letting on.

His wife is right to trust her instincts.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not married any more. I'm sure my single-ness doesn't help, but her main issue is that she says in her culture people don't have friends outside of marriage. She thinks it's weird that he wants friends at all.

I agree with her and I am a very UN-possesive wife.

A single woman who insists that her very best friend is a married heterosexual man is a big red flag to me.

I would not think it was an issue if your best friend was a married gay guy.

That's crap. It's normal for people not to have friends outside of marriage?

And if the OP and the guy hadn't been friends for very long, that would be one thing, but she said they've been friends for 30 years. I'd believe her when she says that he's her best friend. It sounds like they've been friends since they were children. And it's really sad that the wife isn't even willing to get to know the OP. I know that I certainly want to meet my husband's longstanding friends (male or female)--indeed, many of them are now my friends, too. If the OP was unwilling to include the wife in plans, that would be a red flag, but it sounds like she's trying to socialize with them as a couple, and the wife is refusing.

Extreme intimacy with a person who is not your spouse is also a violation of the marriage vows.

Quite frankly, OP sounds jealous and possessive and not at all platonic. She sounds like she feels she deserves the same emotional intimacy as the spouse.

Anonymous wrote:My best friend from college is a man. We've known each other for over 20 years and when I was married, he was close to both me and my husband and I have been there for him numerous times over the years with all kinds of personal and professional help. Now my friend is married to a woman from another culture and she does not like me and does not want to spend any time with me. My friend is very close to my children and plans activities that involve them- offers to take them to the movies, but without actually saying so, he refuses to plan any activities with ME- also including his wife and/or other people! I'm not trying to move in on this relationship; I just miss my friend. I was hoping that if we all spent time together, she would mellow towards me but I can't seem to make that happen. I've tried to talk to my friend about it, but both times he got really mad at me for bringing it up. Any advice or am I at the point where I'm going to have to start grieving what was once a very close and supportive friendship?

1. The different culture thing probably plays a big role in the situation....and there isn't much you can do about that.

2. For some people that have never been in a situation like you and your friend, they don't understand that the opposite sex can have strictly platonic relationships. So when the enter a relationship, and their spouse has a very close opposite-sex friend, it may throw them off. So it may take some time for that person to fully trust the situation.

3. Growing up I had a lot of male friends (I am male) that would fade away when dating someone new. But once that relationship ended, they'd be coming back around more often. I never held it against them because that is just how things work sometimes. A true friend will be there no matter what. If that means a few months/years of not being as close as normal...oh well. A true friend will be there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not married any more. I'm sure my single-ness doesn't help, but her main issue is that she says in her culture people don't have friends outside of marriage. She thinks it's weird that he wants friends at all.

I agree with her and I am a very UN-possesive wife.

A single woman who insists that her very best friend is a married heterosexual man is a big red flag to me.

I would not think it was an issue if your best friend was a married gay guy.

That's crap. It's normal for people not to have friends outside of marriage?

And if the OP and the guy hadn't been friends for very long, that would be one thing, but she said they've been friends for 30 years. I'd believe her when she says that he's her best friend. It sounds like they've been friends since they were children. And it's really sad that the wife isn't even willing to get to know the OP. I know that I certainly want to meet my husband's longstanding friends (male or female)--indeed, many of them are now my friends, too. If the OP was unwilling to include the wife in plans, that would be a red flag, but it sounds like she's trying to socialize with them as a couple, and the wife is refusing.

OP, I'm a single, attractive woman. When you were married, would you be cool with me going for coffee with your then-husband? Going for a hike? To the movies? In this scenario both your H and I state we are "just friends". Yet you feel uncomfortable about it. What happens next?

I appreciate your sense of loss for your friend. Your sources of adult support are very important, and I'm sure your kids miss him. But I don't understand women who are married (or who've been married) who don't understand the importance of prioritizing the married dynamic. Just bc you don't have romantic feelings for your friend, doesn't mean he doesn't have, or hasn't had them, in the past. Maybe he confessed said feelings to his wife. Maybe she's just uncomfortable overall and needs to know that her H values her opinion. Regardless, as person who's walked down the aisle you must know that sometimes you must respect your spouse's feelings, even if they don't make sense to you.

Fwiw, I've never been married, but have lots of couple friends that I've know for 10-15+ years. Several of these folks are people whose children I'd raise, and vice versa, if we ever came to harm (we've talked about this). And I'm still careful about my interactions with their husbands. Not overly so, but I make sure my girlfriends know that my connection to them is to them as a couple. This is what I'd want in their shoes.

Handle this gracefully and respect your friend's current situation. It may change, or not, but this is where he's at.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's known my kids a lot longer than he's known her. And fwiw, he spends almost all his time with her. These are not frequent get togethers. Perhaps she perceives it as him prioritizing them over her but I don't think anyone else would. It would be like if he went to play golf a couple times a year and she was jealous.

This first sentence speaks volumes. She is his WIFE. You're saying that because he's known your kids longer, they rank higher than his WIFE?

Not the OP, but it's to about rank. OP is correct, he's known the kids longer than her, and they are KIDS and see him as an uncle. I would not want a husband who would toss relationships with children for me - that would have been a deal breaker re: marriage. Why? Because you don't abandon children, even if you are in the supportive uncle role.

He is not abandoning her children. Give me a break!

But the man's new wife is clearly pushing that direction. The problem is that he would have a hard time continuing his relationship with the kids but not their mother.

To chime in on some previous posts:

I don't find it weird at all that he has a close bond with his friends kids. That's what friends do for each other. However...it does speak to my next point...

From OP posts, there is (to me) the sense of unrequited love for her friend. In a typical friend relationship, we seemlessly modify the dynamic based on other relationships. In this case, the sense of loss OP seems to feel is much more in line with the breakup of a romantic relationship. Not a rip on OP at all. The heart feels what it feels...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's known my kids a lot longer than he's known her. And fwiw, he spends almost all his time with her. These are not frequent get togethers. Perhaps she perceives it as him prioritizing them over her but I don't think anyone else would. It would be like if he went to play golf a couple times a year and she was jealous.

This first sentence speaks volumes. She is his WIFE. You're saying that because he's known your kids longer, they rank higher than his WIFE?

Not the OP, but it's to about rank. OP is correct, he's known the kids longer than her, and they are KIDS and see him as an uncle. I would not want a husband who would toss relationships with children for me - that would have been a deal breaker re: marriage. Why? Because you don't abandon children, even if you are in the supportive uncle role.

He is not abandoning her children. Give me a break!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's known my kids a lot longer than he's known her. And fwiw, he spends almost all his time with her. These are not frequent get togethers. Perhaps she perceives it as him prioritizing them over her but I don't think anyone else would. It would be like if he went to play golf a couple times a year and she was jealous.

This first sentence speaks volumes. She is his WIFE. You're saying that because he's known your kids longer, they rank higher than his WIFE?

Not the OP, but it's to about rank. OP is correct, he's known the kids longer than her, and they are KIDS and see him as an uncle. I would not want a husband who would toss relationships with children for me - that would have been a deal breaker re: marriage. Why? Because you don't abandon children, even if you are in the supportive uncle role.

Anonymous wrote:My best friend from college is a man. We've known each other for over 20 years and when I was married, he was close to both me and my husband and I have been there for him numerous times over the years with all kinds of personal and professional help. Now my friend is married to a woman from another culture and she does not like me and does not want to spend any time with me. My friend is very close to my children and plans activities that involve them- offers to take them to the movies, but without actually saying so, he refuses to plan any activities with ME- also including his wife and/or other people! I'm not trying to move in on this relationship; I just miss my friend. I was hoping that if we all spent time together, she would mellow towards me but I can't seem to make that happen. I've tried to talk to my friend about it, but both times he got really mad at me for bringing it up. Any advice or am I at the point where I'm going to have to start grieving what was once a very close and supportive friendship?

Women suck for this reason (I am a woman). If he doesn't draw boundaries, there is nothing you can do. She will not mellow towards you because the problem doesn't lie with you, it lies within you.

I hope he comes to his senses. It certainly doesn't bode well for their longevity.

She's jealous. Same thing happened to me with a for 'm err boss whose 1st wife died. His 2nd wife alienated all of his friends. Very sad.

You must respect the marriage. There is no hope otherwise, your alternative is to try to pull rank and you can't do that - the wife has rank, no matter how long you've known him or how close he is to your kids.

You can give it time, you can be thankful he hasn't turned his back on your kids, you can accept whatever altered version of friendship he is able to offer.

You can stop putting him in the middle of you and his wife - you will lose that battle and it will damage your friendship.

You don't have many good options, but the ones that would at least allow for things to improve over time ALL start with respecting the wife and the marriage.