Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally see both sides of this. Can you do one night with your MIL just so she can have her son and grandchild at her home? It's just one night, and then go stay somewhere comfortable.

Yes, this would be my choice. Compromise = win/win

+1
I'd be secretly annoyed about it, but I'd do it anyway

How much time do you actually spend with MIL when you don't sleep there? Could you go over there daily?

My grandparents all lived in the same town 500 miles away from us. We always stayed at my dad's parents' house, because it was bigger and had multiple full baths. However, Every Single Day about mid-morning, we went over to my mom's parents' house, where we hung out and had lunch and stayed there through the mid-afternoon -- 5 or 6 hours, all told.

I think if you are really blunt with her that it's a logistical issue, and then make sure to go over there every day and spend a lot of time, she'll probably get over it. She just has to see that you all not sleeping there doesn't mean she's getting shorted in the family visit department.

You aren't crazy. No two adults who aren't married should share a bathroom. Five people with 1 bedroom/bath is not realistic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You stay with family to spend time with them, living with them for a short time. It is not like being in a hotel. I understand why your MIL is upset. If you want a nice vacation, go on one. If you want to spend time with relatives, stay with them.

Why does one have to sleep at someone's house to spend time together?

Because they are family. Because the MIL misses having her child wake up in her house and have breakfast, go to bed at night in her house etc. Family time.

GTFOH
I am not going to HAVE to sleep in a hotel, just so I can have pancakes with my mom.
Yea, I sometimes sleep on her sofa, but I have a bedroom available if I want it.
Please, I am not going to spend a week with no privacy and discomfort for the sake of togetherness during sleeping hours and wake up time.
How stupid is that?
My mom would not even blink at me staying at a hotel, if there was not room at her house.

You clearly prefer "fun" FIL and his wonderful new wife. No wonder MIL is jealous.

Her feelings are her feelings. You can't fix them, and she has a good reason for them. She has good reason to feel slighted - it's not that you're not going out of your way to spend time with her, it's that you prefer her ex's new wife. You can't fix that, and you can't fix her feelings of understandable envy. And maybe she can't fix herself to be as appealing to you, or doesn't know how, or isn't willing.

But she sounds like a loving grandmother. Not all grannies read books and play with rattles. Just holding is fine. And no one owes you dinners to be made for you. It's lovely that you go visit, and it's fine that you stay at a bigger house.

Live with your feelings, and let her live with hers.

We've gone through this with my MIL. FIL lives in a 4 bedroom house by himself. She has a 3 bedroom but only one of them can be used by us, and she has a terrible dog that tried to bite DD. MIL constantly complains about having to shut the dog away, because "she's just a little dog and really only nipped Larla, so it's okay..." She spent the entire time of our last visit trying to make DH feel guilty for staying at his dad's, even for just spending time with him. I don't come from a family of divorce, so I found this incredibly frustrating, but DH said it was like that growing up too.

We actually stopped visiting for a while because of the way she acted. Thankfully, she's moved from the town FIL lived in so it's not an issue anymore. But we never catered to her jealousy and childishness. You shouldn't either, OP.

My MIL has lots of siblings which has resulted in large families. They all go to the beach together each family renting a large house. Imagine the uniqueness when my husband, an only child, he & I decided rented our own place separate from our ILs. It was the best thing we ever did. We enjoyed our vacation. We love them but find them difficult.

Anyone who insists they can't stay separate from family - well, I don't ever want to hear a peep out of you. No complaints ever. You don't have to.

Anonymous wrote:I totally see both sides of this. Can you do one night with your MIL just so she can have her son and grandchild at her home? It's just one night, and then go stay somewhere comfortable.

Yes, this would be my choice. Compromise = win/win

My parents always want me to stay with them when I visit my hometown, but I opt for my sister's house instead, since the only room my parents have available is a tiny room with two twin beds (my much younger sister is still at home while finishing college). Parents have offered their double bed, but honestly that's not enough space for a family of 4!

They are sad, because they love their grandchildren, but they understand my sister's much bigger house (with two guest rooms! god, I'm jealous of people who live in the countryside!) is a better place for us all to get enough sleep. They either come up and stay at my sister's house for almost the whole weekend (going home to to their place to sleep) or we go to their house for most of at least one of the days (DC1 can nap on one of those twin beds just fine, DC2 in a PnP).

Honestly, if your MIL can't get over this, it's her problem. You don't have to be a matyr and suffer for her feelings. She can be a rational adult and enjoy your company as offered, not poutily demand things to be her way. (I can't believe she would pull this and not even offer her bedroom, though!)

Expectations around this vary so much across cultures and families. My parents would not take offense at us staying at a hotel, though they'd think we must be rolling in dough since they have the room and there's really no need.

With with my ILs, staying at a hotel is just not an option and I knew this when I married DH. It would just be so offensive, it's unimaginable. From my MIL's perspective, hosting us, cooking for us, sitting around chatting in the mornings over tea - that is the family visit.

I also inferred that MIL is probably envious of her ex-DH--his big house, his being considered "fun," his relationship with his 2nd wife. And of course she wants to be able to host her son and his family, even if logistically it doesn't make sense.

The presence of a grand baby makes this all hit home, but it also gives you the clear excuse: MIL needs her bed, and baby needs a quiet place to sleep while the adults visit. She probably won't buy the argument emotionally, but it's rational.

OP: Ultimately, you're doing what's best for your baby, right? Baby needs sleep, baby won't get it at MIL's, so you don't stay at MIL's. All else is distraction. Hold that in your head while she whines and stand firm. You are doing what is best for your baby. Do not feel guilty.

Now, as for the broader dynamic, things can be emotionally touchy with new grandparents. It's a big familial transition, so your MIL is probably freaking out about all kinds of things. There's no reason to cater to it, though. You and DH figure out what's best for you, what's fair to your family members, and do it. No amount of letting MIL stay over and spending a lot of time with her at her house is going to quell the whining, right? So stop trying to end the whining. Catering to her may actually make it worse, as she sees it gets her somewhere. It's time to draw some boundaries.

Long term, maybe when your child is no longer a baby but older s/he could do an overnight with MIL, though with the whole not interacting with the baby business, she may not be a suitable candidate. It's just something to consider. Meanwhile, though, realize that her whining is all insecurity and jealousy and bluster. Hopefully it will pass a bit after your child's first birthday.

Didn't need to read your whole post, "God forbid we stay in a hotel on visits". heellloooo, you don't need their approval to do this.

It kills me how many threads there are about grown men and women scared of mommy and daddy.

"But mommy gets MAD when we stay in a hotel!!"

Boo fucking hoo. Would she rather you not visit at all?

Stand up to these manipulative emotional abusers.

Don't do it, OP. We have stayed at a hotel in DH's hometown rather than stay with ILs when the situation was completely unworkable. Believe me, it was better for everybody in the end.