Wow. So much pain in this thread, I'm really sorry all of you had to go through all of this.

I'm being genuine - I really feel for all the kids subjected to all of this dysfunction.

Anonymous wrote:OP, your dad only saw you once a month. And when he did I'm sure it's clear you weren't in the best situation. He knew where you were living. He didn't support you. You wanted your mom to do more to save the marriage but when someone has started ANOTHER FAMILY you can pretty much put a fork in it. Who would want to save a marriage like that!? Now clearly your mom let this ruin her life and she's not resilient. She absolutely should have moved on by now but holy crap there was nothing for her to save! All I know is if my parents had divorced my dad would have still done whatever he could have to be around me and support me financially.

My dad only saw me once a month because he lived in another state and that's what the court allowed. He gave what he could. He earned a lot less than my mom did at that point because he only had a high school diploma then. He actually started college a year before I did. And he emotionally supported me more than my mother ever has.

Lots of women stay in their marriages after the husband has a baby with a mistress. There were men in my mom's own family who had second families. My mom only cared because my dad was happy.

Speaking of happy, I've wasted enough time trying to explain this. The OP --who is NOT me, btw-- asked the question and I answered it truthfully. My dad's affair and my mother's reaction to it had a huge negative impact on my tween and teen years. I've moved on. I'm happy. My kids are happy. My dad is happy. My mom isn't happy but she prefers it that way.

Yeah op really? Your dad should have helped your mom out more financially. He visited you once a month in high school? Big whoop.

OP, your dad only saw you once a month. And when he did I'm sure it's clear you weren't in the best situation. He knew where you were living. He didn't support you. You wanted your mom to do more to save the marriage but when someone has started ANOTHER FAMILY you can pretty much put a fork in it. Who would want to save a marriage like that!? Now clearly your mom let this ruin her life and she's not resilient. She absolutely should have moved on by now but holy crap there was nothing for her to save! All I know is if my parents had divorced my dad would have still done whatever he could have to be around me and support me financially.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad had a complete separate family. I learned in 3rd grade. It did taint how I looked at him, but the real loser in my eyes is my mom who flipped out and didn't try to save her marriage. As a result, my full sibling and I grew up in poverty while the halfs got a pretty cushy upbringing AND our dad. My mom also has spent the last three decades trashing my dad and his mistress.

Um, you do realize that your Dad is the a-hole here, right. Please tell me you haven't blamed/vilified your mother for this.

My dad has apologized to us again and again. My mother takes no responsibility for her role in how things ended up. To this day, my mother ruins nearly every family occasion by trying to pick a fight with my dad. I glad that at least he got some peace from her when he left. Wish he'd taken us, too. Growing up in the ghetto is hard. Growing up in the ghetto with a depressed, bitter mother is so much worse.

Ha! He didn't take you with him because he didn't care about you and probably still doesn't. You're lucky you had a bitter, depressed mother to raise you, since your father certainly wanted no part of you.

I sincerely hope you're a troll.

Wow. How evil and nasty are you!? NP here, and I agree this is a really twisted situation. But seriously? OP, I'm assuming you are in a marriage and have kids since you are on this board (not necessarily of course). But if you're husband actually betrayed you by having another family, you would think it was your job to do whatever you could to make him stay?? That's warped. Your mom was betrayed in the worst way. This wasn't a one night stand. He actually created a secret family. And to top it off he had them live a nice life and left you to the ghetto. If my kids lived with their other parent I would support them even if the other parent never filed for support. All of my children would be taken care of equally. To put the responsibility on your mom to fix the family is shocking. But then again I'm not someone who could live a life of such deceit and then blame it on the innocent spouse.

My mom was not an innocent spouse. And she did nothing at all to try to save her marriage. There's a lot more that I could explain here about my family's specific situation including the fact that my mother shut my dad out of the bedroom after my brother was born. None of it excuses my dad's behavior, but he has apologized for it. To me and my brother. To my mother. I forgave him. My mother blames everything on my dad and never apologizes for her own parenting shortcomings. If she just once said "I am sorry that I didn't try harder to get us out of that neighborhood." I would accept it. It is 30 odd years later and my mom is still obsessed with the woman he had the other family with. Instead of calling my dad when we needed something, my mom wrote her letters. (I do think that my dad didn't get some of the messages about us needing money because the other woman didn't pass them on, but I also delete my mother's voice mails when she starts screaming and name-calling.)

My children have never been hungry. Never had the power or water shut off. Always had appropriate clothing.

My father had an affair around the time we left for college. He left my mother for a while but ended up moving back in with her. At the time I was quite angry with him for hurting her so badly, and I think she has never really forgiven him and still harbors a lot of resentment. But it is now 20 years later, and it is true that living with my mother is no picnic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad had a complete separate family. I learned in 3rd grade. It did taint how I looked at him, but the real loser in my eyes is my mom who flipped out and didn't try to save her marriage. As a result, my full sibling and I grew up in poverty while the halfs got a pretty cushy upbringing AND our dad. My mom also has spent the last three decades trashing my dad and his mistress.

Um, you do realize that your Dad is the a-hole here, right. Please tell me you haven't blamed/vilified your mother for this.

My dad has apologized to us again and again. My mother takes no responsibility for her role in how things ended up. To this day, my mother ruins nearly every family occasion by trying to pick a fight with my dad. I glad that at least he got some peace from her when he left. Wish he'd taken us, too. Growing up in the ghetto is hard. Growing up in the ghetto with a depressed, bitter mother is so much worse.

Ha! He didn't take you with him because he didn't care about you and probably still doesn't. You're lucky you had a bitter, depressed mother to raise you, since your father certainly wanted no part of you.

I sincerely hope you're a troll.

Actually, my dad and I are very close. Fathers almost never got full custody back then (1980s). He visited me once a month all through high school and twice a semester when I was in college. When I was in college and then later working in a foreign country, I spoke with my dad by phone every single day on his dime.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad had a complete separate family. I learned in 3rd grade. It did taint how I looked at him, but the real loser in my eyes is my mom who flipped out and didn't try to save her marriage. As a result, my full sibling and I grew up in poverty while the halfs got a pretty cushy upbringing AND our dad. My mom also has spent the last three decades trashing my dad and his mistress.

Um, you do realize that your Dad is the a-hole here, right. Please tell me you haven't blamed/vilified your mother for this.

My dad has apologized to us again and again. My mother takes no responsibility for her role in how things ended up. To this day, my mother ruins nearly every family occasion by trying to pick a fight with my dad. I glad that at least he got some peace from her when he left. Wish he'd taken us, too. Growing up in the ghetto is hard. Growing up in the ghetto with a depressed, bitter mother is so much worse.

Ha! He didn't take you with him because he didn't care about you and probably still doesn't. You're lucky you had a bitter, depressed mother to raise you, since your father certainly wanted no part of you.

I sincerely hope you're a troll.

Wow. How evil and nasty are you!? NP here, and I agree this is a really twisted situation. But seriously? OP, I'm assuming you are in a marriage and have kids since you are on this board (not necessarily of course). But if you're husband actually betrayed you by having another family, you would think it was your job to do whatever you could to make him stay?? That's warped. Your mom was betrayed in the worst way. This wasn't a one night stand. He actually created a secret family. And to top it off he had them live a nice life and left you to the ghetto. If my kids lived with their other parent I would support them even if the other parent never filed for support. All of my children would be taken care of equally. To put the responsibility on your mom to fix the family is shocking. But then again I'm not someone who could live a life of such deceit and then blame it on the innocent spouse.

My dad had an affair when I was very young - my parents divorced when I was 6 - and I didn't know about it at the time. She completely cut us off from all contact with him afterward.

Unfortunately, my mom's bitter rage against her ex-husband spilled over onto her male children. There's no way a little boy can constantly hear the refrain "men are pigs and marriage is nothing but cooking and cleaning for a selfish jerk" without taking it personally as an attack on himself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad had a complete separate family. I learned in 3rd grade. It did taint how I looked at him, but the real loser in my eyes is my mom who flipped out and didn't try to save her marriage. As a result, my full sibling and I grew up in poverty while the halfs got a pretty cushy upbringing AND our dad. My mom also has spent the last three decades trashing my dad and his mistress.

Um, you do realize that your Dad is the a-hole here, right. Please tell me you haven't blamed/vilified your mother for this.

My dad has apologized to us again and again. My mother takes no responsibility for her role in how things ended up. To this day, my mother ruins nearly every family occasion by trying to pick a fight with my dad. I glad that at least he got some peace from her when he left. Wish he'd taken us, too. Growing up in the ghetto is hard. Growing up in the ghetto with a depressed, bitter mother is so much worse.

Blame your dad for having the affair AND not giving you enough money so you didn't have the live in the ghetto. How can a woman save her marriage when he husband has left her for another woman?

+1. Sorry... that he got caught. He sounds like he was able to con you kids but not your mom.

I don't know. Sounds like mom was a piece of work and he was probably desperate to get away from her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad had a complete separate family. I learned in 3rd grade. It did taint how I looked at him, but the real loser in my eyes is my mom who flipped out and didn't try to save her marriage. As a result, my full sibling and I grew up in poverty while the halfs got a pretty cushy upbringing AND our dad. My mom also has spent the last three decades trashing my dad and his mistress.

Um, you do realize that your Dad is the a-hole here, right. Please tell me you haven't blamed/vilified your mother for this.

My dad has apologized to us again and again. My mother takes no responsibility for her role in how things ended up. To this day, my mother ruins nearly every family occasion by trying to pick a fight with my dad. I glad that at least he got some peace from her when he left. Wish he'd taken us, too. Growing up in the ghetto is hard. Growing up in the ghetto with a depressed, bitter mother is so much worse.

Ha! He didn't take you with him because he didn't care about you and probably still doesn't. You're lucky you had a bitter, depressed mother to raise you, since your father certainly wanted no part of you.

I sincerely hope you're a troll.

Anonymous wrote:My mom did twice (at least that I know of). First was with my first stepdad and the second was with my second stepdad. When she was divorcing stepdad #1, she basically said she couldn't handle having me in her life full time and sent me to live with my dad.

I was pretty pissed about that for a long time and as a mom, I can't ever imagine putting myself in a similar situation with my own kids. However, she made the right decision and has been happily married to Stepdad #2 for 25 years. And, I am much better off for living with my Dad and Stepmom.

Pp right above you.

Oddly enough this was the result of my situtation as well. And things turned out x10000 times better then they would have otherwise

My mom did twice (at least that I know of). First was with my first stepdad and the second was with my second stepdad. When she was divorcing stepdad #1, she basically said she couldn't handle having me in her life full time and sent me to live with my dad.

I was pretty pissed about that for a long time and as a mom, I can't ever imagine putting myself in a similar situation with my own kids. However, she made the right decision and has been happily married to Stepdad #2 for 25 years. And, I am much better off for living with my Dad and Stepmom.

Pp here ^^ obviously my parents are how divorced and did so when I was 13/14

My dad had an affair with my (after the fact) nanny. My mom caught them, the woman said she would kill herself bc she was an empty nester and needed something in her life... My mom made a VERY selfless decision and told
Her if she would leave my dad alone she could be my nanny...

And so she did and she was. My dad became friends w. Her husband and they went on to go camping and be friends, husband and my father still are.

Fast forward to me at 13, my mom told me after a fight with my father that my nanny from 2yrs to 12yrs had started out as my dad's mistress. She then later that year was caught having an affair with her (now) husband and lied to my face about it even though I caught her and knew.

My dad owns what he did, we are incredibly close.

My mom doesn't own what she did but constantly belittles her ex (my dad) in front of my sister and I. She has a drinking problem. We talk weekly but are not as close anymore