Anonymous wrote:Sorry to be sexist, but when a woman decides to have an affair, the marriage is toast because she has already checked out. Not always but most of the time. With men, they often realize what they risk losing and mend their ways.

Anonymous wrote:Looking at saving a marriage. Can it and should it be forgiven? I would like to forgive...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a spouse who has been married for a very long time, and is considering cheating, why is the cheater necessarily the bad one? My DH has treated me like sh:$ for years, has repeatedly called me names that should have forced me to divorce him, calls me stupid, fat, etc. and is generally grumpy and rude. If I decide I'm lonely, I'm attracted to someone who is attracted to me and makes me feel special for the first time in years, it's just not that simple. Didn't my DH already break his vows when he decided to disrespect me and call me horrible names? I know those who say yes, I'm the bad one and I should just divorce him instead, but it's just not that simple to me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Yes, it is possible to forgive - but only if your husband is remorseful and willing to examine his own issues. You may say you had an emotional break, but something in his character gave him permission to betray the marriage. That needs to be corrected."

I think this is the key to staying together - knowing that the one doing the cheating really gets the pain he/she caused, and really is remorseful about it.

I agree to an extent--but only one strike.

If lies or cheating ever happened again. Deal Breaker.

I would also need complete and total transparency for quite some time. Trust would have to be earned back.

I agree: remorse, cease & desist, no privacy, and so much counseling.

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman who had an affair. My husband forgave me. I forgave myself. I have done much to deal with my personal issue that caused me to do this horrible thing. We have tried to repair our marriage. We are now planning to divorce. I don't think the affair caused the failure of our marriage. I think the marriage was over before I started the affair. I was weak and scared. And I put my husband through undue suffering.

Forgiveness is more a gift to yourself than to your husband. I do think that in some cases marriages can get stronger and survive after a affair. I have heard of many men who cheat again and again. In fact the man I had the affair with cheated on his wife before he met me, cheated on her with me, got caught, and I have recently learned that he was with another woman when he was with me.

That said, I can honestly say I would not have another affair. It was the worst freakin thing I have ever experienced in my life. I felt like crap every single day.

So I don't have an answer for you. Do what feels right for you. Don't stay just for the kids. They will be ok as long as you do what you need.

peace

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did it. I think it depends entirely on the people involved, the exact underlying cirumstances, the actions the cheater takes afterwards, etc.

Many, many couples stay together after infidelity. I think that sometimes they are just not the most vocal about it because it's not always something you want to admit to other people.

This. OP, I think a lot of us say that we would never forgive and leave the marriage. But doing this is another thing. There is a vast difference between a long-standing affair or a spouse sleeping with a number of people vs. a one night stand at a business conference when the marriage was at a low point. I would be very unhappy and hurt if my wife did any of these, but would I end a marriage, years of history, and children living in a home with two parents for the third scenario? Really cannot say for certainty that this would happen but there is no doubt that it would bring any trust to a very low level from which recovery might not happen.

This is OP. Of all the scenarios you set forth, we are closest to the 3rd. One time at a low point.

We haven't lived together for about a year and a half, so in a way separated but have still been "dating" -- like we see each other everyday, spend the weekends together. But I really needed space. Now I feel like I can be back in the relationship fully. Like I said, I've forgiven, it's just the haunting voice I am being an idiot for doing so that lingers.

Anonymous wrote:OP: The thing is, I am not going to be so simple minded about 1) basic human urges 2) the collective events that led up to the emotional break between us that I believe led to the cheating. He did something weak and immature but I was also being shitty and mean.

Honestly, I get it and what happened. And it was a one off. My whole thing is all the fuckin self help advice online and everywhere is I am submitting to some kind of domestic abuse by staying with him. There are no gray areas.

I really actually have forgiven him already... just feeling screwed up because of what that forgiveness might mean. We always pump up forgiveness in society as holy and aspirational but when someone does it we call them a dummy...

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman who had an affair. My husband forgave me. I forgave myself. I have done much to deal with my personal issue that caused me to do this horrible thing. We have tried to repair our marriage. We are now planning to divorce. I don't think the affair caused the failure of our marriage. I think the marriage was over before I started the affair. I was weak and scared. And I put my husband through undue suffering.

Forgiveness is more a gift to yourself than to your husband. I do think that in some cases marriages can get stronger and survive after a affair. I have heard of many men who cheat again and again. In fact the man I had the affair with cheated on his wife before he met me, cheated on her with me, got caught, and I have recently learned that he was with another woman when he was with me.

That said, I can honestly say I would not have another affair. It was the worst freakin thing I have ever experienced in my life. I felt like crap every single day.

So I don't have an answer for you. Do what feels right for you. Don't stay just for the kids. They will be ok as long as you do what you need.

peace

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Yes, it is possible to forgive - but only if your husband is remorseful and willing to examine his own issues. You may say you had an emotional break, but something in his character gave him permission to betray the marriage. That needs to be corrected."

I think this is the key to staying together - knowing that the one doing the cheating really gets the pain he/she caused, and really is remorseful about it.

I agree to an extent--but only one strike.

If lies or cheating ever happened again. Deal Breaker.

I would also need complete and total transparency for quite some time. Trust would have to be earned back.