Anonymous
05/27/2014 15:01
Subject: Re:My parents hate my wife
And of course your wife should be paying your joint bills and your father should not be opening your mail. And I'm sorry but you should have cut that off long ago before you met your wife. I used to work ridiculous hours in big law but I still had time to read my mail and pay my bills.
Anonymous
05/27/2014 14:46
Subject: My parents hate my wife
Anonymous wrote:My parents think my wife has taken me and the grand kids away from them. In reality, I work very hard and very long hours and barely make it home to my house to see the kids before bed since I don't see them in the morning. So trying to see my parents for dinner three times a week just isn't going to happen. I also usually have obligations on the weekend for my work, so even Sunday dinners are now nonexistent. My wife now takes care of all of the bills and my mail when my father used to. He yelled at her that he takes care of these things until I chose her. For some reason he is bitter about this.
My wife thinks my father is too controlling and my mother is cold. My father will usually argue or fight with her over things he wants and not listen to her. For example the car seat. My wife bought a new one (a booster of some sort I think) for our 5 year old. She told my dad she has outgrown the other one and is not safe. He won't listen to her and refuses to transfer the car seat. So they politely battle at it every time.
My mother's mother called her fat while pregnant and my mom just sat there while my wife cried and to this day finds nothing wrong with the situation at all.
My wife is shy at first but very affectionate. My parents think she is rude but I don't think they have really given her a chance. I think it's all a big miscommunication and I will admit I put the onus on her.
The last straw was when I caught my father in a few lies about her behavior and he texted her with a sly smart ass comment. She told him to not contact her anymore but to go through me, but they would be respectful to each other in person and with the kids. No one has ever stood up to my father and I didnt think that she would do that. They haven't spoken to me since, this in Feb. Until my mom texted to see the kids this weekend. My wife didn't tell my mom not to call or visit so I am upset with my mom that she jumped on the bandwagon like she always does.
OP, you and your parents are 100% in the wrong here. Your parents are emotionally abusive. Your wife has the right and the obligation to choose what car seat her child uses. You as her husband and her partner should stand with her and support her.
You know very well that your parents are unreasonable. Your wife has drawn a healthy, reasonable boundary. Your parents' reaction is over the top, narcissistic, and emotionally abusive.
You need to be a man, be a grown-up, and stand with your wife. Let your parents know they are being unreasonable, and when they are ready to be loving and respectful, they will be welcome back into your life. Wish them well in their new home and focus on making things up to your wife. You have allowed them to abuse her for SIX YEARS. You need to focus on repairing her trust in you and salvaging your family.
Anonymous
05/27/2014 14:33
Subject: My parents hate my wife
My parents think my wife has taken me and the grand kids away from them. In reality, I work very hard and very long hours and barely make it home to my house to see the kids before bed since I don't see them in the morning. So trying to see my parents for dinner three times a week just isn't going to happen. I also usually have obligations on the weekend for my work, so even Sunday dinners are now nonexistent. My wife now takes care of all of the bills and my mail when my father used to. He yelled at her that he takes care of these things until I chose her. For some reason he is bitter about this.
My wife thinks my father is too controlling and my mother is cold. My father will usually argue or fight with her over things he wants and not listen to her. For example the car seat. My wife bought a new one (a booster of some sort I think) for our 5 year old. She told my dad she has outgrown the other one and is not safe. He won't listen to her and refuses to transfer the car seat. So they politely battle at it every time.
My mother's mother called her fat while pregnant and my mom just sat there while my wife cried and to this day finds nothing wrong with the situation at all.
My wife is shy at first but very affectionate. My parents think she is rude but I don't think they have really given her a chance. I think it's all a big miscommunication and I will admit I put the onus on her.
The last straw was when I caught my father in a few lies about her behavior and he texted her with a sly smart ass comment. She told him to not contact her anymore but to go through me, but they would be respectful to each other in person and with the kids. No one has ever stood up to my father and I didnt think that she would do that. They haven't spoken to me since, this in Feb. Until my mom texted to see the kids this weekend. My wife didn't tell my mom not to call or visit so I am upset with my mom that she jumped on the bandwagon like she always does.
My wife thinks my father is too controlling and my mother is cold. My father will usually argue or fight with her over things he wants and not listen to her. For example the car seat. My wife bought a new one (a booster of some sort I think) for our 5 year old. She told my dad she has outgrown the other one and is not safe. He won't listen to her and refuses to transfer the car seat. So they politely battle at it every time.
My mother's mother called her fat while pregnant and my mom just sat there while my wife cried and to this day finds nothing wrong with the situation at all.
My wife is shy at first but very affectionate. My parents think she is rude but I don't think they have really given her a chance. I think it's all a big miscommunication and I will admit I put the onus on her.
The last straw was when I caught my father in a few lies about her behavior and he texted her with a sly smart ass comment. She told him to not contact her anymore but to go through me, but they would be respectful to each other in person and with the kids. No one has ever stood up to my father and I didnt think that she would do that. They haven't spoken to me since, this in Feb. Until my mom texted to see the kids this weekend. My wife didn't tell my mom not to call or visit so I am upset with my mom that she jumped on the bandwagon like she always does.
Anonymous
05/27/2014 14:07
Subject: Re:My parents hate my wife
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP what exactly is their issue with your wife? If they don't like her just because she is from a different culture, it is plain stupid and they need to get over it.
you shouldn't have to choose btw your parents nd wife. Your wife needs to understand and accept them as well. Breaking ties with family is stupid, self centered & not easy as people make it out to be. There can be a happy medium but it will take time and patience. Be steady when it comes to your wife but loving and patient with your parents as well, even if they do not respond the way you would like them to. They will come around eventually.
No they won't. They have demonstrated for years that they are to come first. They have cut off their own child and his children because the situation is unsatisfactory to them. They told him "goodbye"
This isn't a situation that a sit-down and some hugs all around are going to fix. Patience from OP? He has been [too] patient with their nonsense since before this marriage, and it sounds like throughout his dating history.
OP needs to prioritize what needs his attention. #1 his own wife and children. His marriage is in crisis.
So parents are like toilet tissue that you just use and throw? Did OP just fall out of a fountain? Don't forget that his parents had to strive and make sacrifices for OP do become who he is today. the least he can do is maintain a good relationship with them in their old age. Agreed their ideas are antiquated, but asking him to cutoff all ties with his parents is ridiculous. If divorce and disowning people is the only way to work through issues, we are a messed up society.
OP has to put his ego aside and work with his parents separately.
You sound... inexperienced and naive, to put it mildly.
There are some people that are so self-centered and narcissistic that they will never see another viewpoint except their own. They will power through life upset at everybody because they feel they deserve special attention. Even blood ties will mean nothing to them. Actually, they will strive to exact total control over their weaker relatives or children just because they can.
OP's parents sound exactly like that. If OP is filled with filial piety to the extent that he reach out to his parents, WHO ABUSED HIM AND HAVE NOW CUT HIM OFF, they will probably not give anything in return for that gesture. No understanding, no love, nothing. They do not want a mutually loving and respectful relationship. They want control.
But you probably don't understand a word of what I saying.
I am better off not needing to understand what you are trying to say.
And no, i am mature for my age because I've been through a lot. life is about nurturing relationships, not destroying them. It is easy to break relationships but difficult to repair. Hopefully OP understands. Again we can only speculate about what his parents are like from the few details he has provided. None of us know them.
Anonymous
05/27/2014 13:28
Subject: Re:My parents hate my wife
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP what exactly is their issue with your wife? If they don't like her just because she is from a different culture, it is plain stupid and they need to get over it.
you shouldn't have to choose btw your parents nd wife. Your wife needs to understand and accept them as well. Breaking ties with family is stupid, self centered & not easy as people make it out to be. There can be a happy medium but it will take time and patience. Be steady when it comes to your wife but loving and patient with your parents as well, even if they do not respond the way you would like them to. They will come around eventually.
No they won't. They have demonstrated for years that they are to come first. They have cut off their own child and his children because the situation is unsatisfactory to them. They told him "goodbye"
This isn't a situation that a sit-down and some hugs all around are going to fix. Patience from OP? He has been [too] patient with their nonsense since before this marriage, and it sounds like throughout his dating history.
OP needs to prioritize what needs his attention. #1 his own wife and children. His marriage is in crisis.
So parents are like toilet tissue that you just use and throw? Did OP just fall out of a fountain? Don't forget that his parents had to strive and make sacrifices for OP do become who he is today. the least he can do is maintain a good relationship with them in their old age. Agreed their ideas are antiquated, but asking him to cutoff all ties with his parents is ridiculous. If divorce and disowning people is the only way to work through issues, we are a messed up society.
OP has to put his ego aside and work with his parents separately.
You sound... inexperienced and naive, to put it mildly.
There are some people that are so self-centered and narcissistic that they will never see another viewpoint except their own. They will power through life upset at everybody because they feel they deserve special attention. Even blood ties will mean nothing to them. Actually, they will strive to exact total control over their weaker relatives or children just because they can.
OP's parents sound exactly like that. If OP is filled with filial piety to the extent that he reach out to his parents, WHO ABUSED HIM AND HAVE NOW CUT HIM OFF, they will probably not give anything in return for that gesture. No understanding, no love, nothing. They do not want a mutually loving and respectful relationship. They want control.
But you probably don't understand a word of what I saying.
Anonymous
05/27/2014 13:15
Subject: Re:My parents hate my wife
Anonymous wrote:
How old are you? Do you have children and grandkids?
I am in my mid 30s. Married with children. No grand kids yet
OK, then I really don't get why you are so focused on OP doing everything in his power to deny his own independence and win back his parents. They cut him off but he should contact them frequently?
Who knows maybe OP will follow your advice. I'd be interested in an update.
Anonymous
05/27/2014 12:47
Subject: Re:My parents hate my wife
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP what exactly is their issue with your wife? If they don't like her just because she is from a different culture, it is plain stupid and they need to get over it.
you shouldn't have to choose btw your parents nd wife. Your wife needs to understand and accept them as well. Breaking ties with family is stupid, self centered & not easy as people make it out to be. There can be a happy medium but it will take time and patience. Be steady when it comes to your wife but loving and patient with your parents as well, even if they do not respond the way you would like them to. They will come around eventually.
No they won't. They have demonstrated for years that they are to come first. They have cut off their own child and his children because the situation is unsatisfactory to them. They told him "goodbye"
This isn't a situation that a sit-down and some hugs all around are going to fix. Patience from OP? He has been [too] patient with their nonsense since before this marriage, and it sounds like throughout his dating history.
OP needs to prioritize what needs his attention. #1 his own wife and children. His marriage is in crisis.
So parents are like toilet tissue that you just use and throw? Did OP just fall out of a fountain? Don't forget that his parents had to strive and make sacrifices for OP do become who he is today. the least he can do is maintain a good relationship with them in their old age. Agreed their ideas are antiquated, but asking him to cutoff all ties with his parents is ridiculous. If divorce and disowning people is the only way to work through issues, we are a messed up society.
OP has to put his ego aside and work with his parents separately.
He is not cutting them off. They are cutting HIM off. And there was nothing from OP that indicated he wronged them so deeply to warrant their behavior. They simply dislike his life partner and have decided he needs to choose.
Am I missing something? Do you see how his own mother can justify cutting off her son and grandkids? Because I don't.
Also I agree he can maintain a relationship with them IF they are willing to hear him say, "Mom, Dad I love and respect you but my priority is DW and DC and they must be treated with respect" and follow through with improving their behavior toward DW.
Curious how you think OP should approach his parents at this point.
Despite what his parents do or how they behave, OP should call up and talk to them frequently. If they bring up his wife, he should say exactly what you have quoted above. When they realize that their son cares for them, it will become easier for them to accept the choices he has made as well.
How old are you? Do you have children and grandkids?
I am in my mid 30s. Married with children. No grand kids yet
Anonymous
05/27/2014 12:32
Subject: Re:My parents hate my wife
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP what exactly is their issue with your wife? If they don't like her just because she is from a different culture, it is plain stupid and they need to get over it.
you shouldn't have to choose btw your parents nd wife. Your wife needs to understand and accept them as well. Breaking ties with family is stupid, self centered & not easy as people make it out to be. There can be a happy medium but it will take time and patience. Be steady when it comes to your wife but loving and patient with your parents as well, even if they do not respond the way you would like them to. They will come around eventually.
No they won't. They have demonstrated for years that they are to come first. They have cut off their own child and his children because the situation is unsatisfactory to them. They told him "goodbye"
This isn't a situation that a sit-down and some hugs all around are going to fix. Patience from OP? He has been [too] patient with their nonsense since before this marriage, and it sounds like throughout his dating history.
OP needs to prioritize what needs his attention. #1 his own wife and children. His marriage is in crisis.
So parents are like toilet tissue that you just use and throw? Did OP just fall out of a fountain? Don't forget that his parents had to strive and make sacrifices for OP do become who he is today. the least he can do is maintain a good relationship with them in their old age. Agreed their ideas are antiquated, but asking him to cutoff all ties with his parents is ridiculous. If divorce and disowning people is the only way to work through issues, we are a messed up society.
OP has to put his ego aside and work with his parents separately.
He is not cutting them off. They are cutting HIM off. And there was nothing from OP that indicated he wronged them so deeply to warrant their behavior. They simply dislike his life partner and have decided he needs to choose.
Am I missing something? Do you see how his own mother can justify cutting off her son and grandkids? Because I don't.
Also I agree he can maintain a relationship with them IF they are willing to hear him say, "Mom, Dad I love and respect you but my priority is DW and DC and they must be treated with respect" and follow through with improving their behavior toward DW.
Curious how you think OP should approach his parents at this point.
Despite what his parents do or how they behave, OP should call up and talk to them frequently. If they bring up his wife, he should say exactly what you have quoted above. When they realize that their son cares for them, it will become easier for them to accept the choices he has made as well.
How old are you? Do you have children and grandkids?
Anonymous
05/27/2014 12:24
Subject: Re:My parents hate my wife
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP what exactly is their issue with your wife? If they don't like her just because she is from a different culture, it is plain stupid and they need to get over it.
you shouldn't have to choose btw your parents nd wife. Your wife needs to understand and accept them as well. Breaking ties with family is stupid, self centered & not easy as people make it out to be. There can be a happy medium but it will take time and patience. Be steady when it comes to your wife but loving and patient with your parents as well, even if they do not respond the way you would like them to. They will come around eventually.
No they won't. They have demonstrated for years that they are to come first. They have cut off their own child and his children because the situation is unsatisfactory to them. They told him "goodbye"
This isn't a situation that a sit-down and some hugs all around are going to fix. Patience from OP? He has been [too] patient with their nonsense since before this marriage, and it sounds like throughout his dating history.
OP needs to prioritize what needs his attention. #1 his own wife and children. His marriage is in crisis.
So parents are like toilet tissue that you just use and throw? Did OP just fall out of a fountain? Don't forget that his parents had to strive and make sacrifices for OP do become who he is today. the least he can do is maintain a good relationship with them in their old age. Agreed their ideas are antiquated, but asking him to cutoff all ties with his parents is ridiculous. If divorce and disowning people is the only way to work through issues, we are a messed up society.
OP has to put his ego aside and work with his parents separately.
He is not cutting them off. They are cutting HIM off. And there was nothing from OP that indicated he wronged them so deeply to warrant their behavior. They simply dislike his life partner and have decided he needs to choose.
Am I missing something? Do you see how his own mother can justify cutting off her son and grandkids? Because I don't.
Also I agree he can maintain a relationship with them IF they are willing to hear him say, "Mom, Dad I love and respect you but my priority is DW and DC and they must be treated with respect" and follow through with improving their behavior toward DW.
Curious how you think OP should approach his parents at this point.
Despite what his parents do or how they behave, OP should call up and talk to them frequently. If they bring up his wife, he should say exactly what you have quoted above. When they realize that their son cares for them, it will become easier for them to accept the choices he has made as well.
Anonymous
05/27/2014 12:15
Subject: Re:My parents hate my wife
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP what exactly is their issue with your wife? If they don't like her just because she is from a different culture, it is plain stupid and they need to get over it.
you shouldn't have to choose btw your parents nd wife. Your wife needs to understand and accept them as well. Breaking ties with family is stupid, self centered & not easy as people make it out to be. There can be a happy medium but it will take time and patience. Be steady when it comes to your wife but loving and patient with your parents as well, even if they do not respond the way you would like them to. They will come around eventually.
No they won't. They have demonstrated for years that they are to come first. They have cut off their own child and his children because the situation is unsatisfactory to them. They told him "goodbye"
This isn't a situation that a sit-down and some hugs all around are going to fix. Patience from OP? He has been [too] patient with their nonsense since before this marriage, and it sounds like throughout his dating history.
OP needs to prioritize what needs his attention. #1 his own wife and children. His marriage is in crisis.
So parents are like toilet tissue that you just use and throw? Did OP just fall out of a fountain? Don't forget that his parents had to strive and make sacrifices for OP do become who he is today. the least he can do is maintain a good relationship with them in their old age. Agreed their ideas are antiquated, but asking him to cutoff all ties with his parents is ridiculous. If divorce and disowning people is the only way to work through issues, we are a messed up society.
OP has to put his ego aside and work with his parents separately.
He is not cutting them off. They are cutting HIM off. And there was nothing from OP that indicated he wronged them so deeply to warrant their behavior. They simply dislike his life partner and have decided he needs to choose.
Am I missing something? Do you see how his own mother can justify cutting off her son and grandkids? Because I don't.
Also I agree he can maintain a relationship with them IF they are willing to hear him say, "Mom, Dad I love and respect you but my priority is DW and DC and they must be treated with respect" and follow through with improving their behavior toward DW.
Curious how you think OP should approach his parents at this point.
Anonymous
05/27/2014 11:58
Subject: Re:My parents hate my wife
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP what exactly is their issue with your wife? If they don't like her just because she is from a different culture, it is plain stupid and they need to get over it.
you shouldn't have to choose btw your parents nd wife. Your wife needs to understand and accept them as well. Breaking ties with family is stupid, self centered & not easy as people make it out to be. There can be a happy medium but it will take time and patience. Be steady when it comes to your wife but loving and patient with your parents as well, even if they do not respond the way you would like them to. They will come around eventually.
No they won't. They have demonstrated for years that they are to come first. They have cut off their own child and his children because the situation is unsatisfactory to them. They told him "goodbye"
This isn't a situation that a sit-down and some hugs all around are going to fix. Patience from OP? He has been [too] patient with their nonsense since before this marriage, and it sounds like throughout his dating history.
OP needs to prioritize what needs his attention. #1 his own wife and children. His marriage is in crisis.
So parents are like toilet tissue that you just use and throw? Did OP just fall out of a fountain? Don't forget that his parents had to strive and make sacrifices for OP do become who he is today. the least he can do is maintain a good relationship with them in their old age. Agreed their ideas are antiquated, but asking him to cutoff all ties with his parents is ridiculous. If divorce and disowning people is the only way to work through issues, we are a messed up society.
OP has to put his ego aside and work with his parents separately.
Anonymous
05/27/2014 11:27
Subject: Re:My parents hate my wife
Anonymous wrote:OP what exactly is their issue with your wife? If they don't like her just because she is from a different culture, it is plain stupid and they need to get over it.
you shouldn't have to choose btw your parents nd wife. Your wife needs to understand and accept them as well. Breaking ties with family is stupid, self centered & not easy as people make it out to be. There can be a happy medium but it will take time and patience. Be steady when it comes to your wife but loving and patient with your parents as well, even if they do not respond the way you would like them to. They will come around eventually.
No they won't. They have demonstrated for years that they are to come first. They have cut off their own child and his children because the situation is unsatisfactory to them. They told him "goodbye"
This isn't a situation that a sit-down and some hugs all around are going to fix. Patience from OP? He has been [too] patient with their nonsense since before this marriage, and it sounds like throughout his dating history.
OP needs to prioritize what needs his attention. #1 his own wife and children. His marriage is in crisis.
Anonymous
05/27/2014 11:07
Subject: Re:My parents hate my wife
OP, I hate to jump on you as well, but really, it sounds like this is your issue. You said that the only thing you and your DW fight over are your parents. Why are you and DW fighting about them - it means you disagree with each other and seriously, from the sound of it, you should be fighting with your parents about this, not your lovely DW. you and DW should be on the same page with this - that your parents stay the hell away unless they can be civil to your DW.
I think once you make that clear to your DW, she won't want to divorce you anymore (hopefully - if like you say - everything else is fine).
Also, just something else to consider. If you DO leave your wife over this (or she leaves you..whatever) you have to accept that you will never ever have another serious relationship. EVER. because YOU and YOUR PARENTS are repeating the same patterns over and over again. Bottom line is this is between YOU and YOUR PARENTS. NOT your DW. she is just a bystander because it could be anyone in that placeholder and your parents will treat them the same way as they are treating her.
Be kind to your wife, validate her feelings of frustration and anger, and for God's sake, support her and choose her when your parents behave like this.
I think once you make that clear to your DW, she won't want to divorce you anymore (hopefully - if like you say - everything else is fine).
Also, just something else to consider. If you DO leave your wife over this (or she leaves you..whatever) you have to accept that you will never ever have another serious relationship. EVER. because YOU and YOUR PARENTS are repeating the same patterns over and over again. Bottom line is this is between YOU and YOUR PARENTS. NOT your DW. she is just a bystander because it could be anyone in that placeholder and your parents will treat them the same way as they are treating her.
Be kind to your wife, validate her feelings of frustration and anger, and for God's sake, support her and choose her when your parents behave like this.
Anonymous
05/27/2014 10:59
Subject: Re:My parents hate my wife
OP what exactly is their issue with your wife? If they don't like her just because she is from a different culture, it is plain stupid and they need to get over it.
you shouldn't have to choose btw your parents nd wife. Your wife needs to understand and accept them as well. Breaking ties with family is stupid, self centered & not easy as people make it out to be. There can be a happy medium but it will take time and patience. Be steady when it comes to your wife but loving and patient with your parents as well, even if they do not respond the way you would like them to. They will come around eventually.
you shouldn't have to choose btw your parents nd wife. Your wife needs to understand and accept them as well. Breaking ties with family is stupid, self centered & not easy as people make it out to be. There can be a happy medium but it will take time and patience. Be steady when it comes to your wife but loving and patient with your parents as well, even if they do not respond the way you would like them to. They will come around eventually.
Anonymous
05/27/2014 10:24
Subject: My parents hate my wife
OP, you married someone and built a family. That priority should trump absolutely everything else in your life.
I would go find a good counselor who can help you work through the incredibly difficult position your parents have put you in, and help you manage the immense grief and guilt that comes with it.
You might also work with a counselor to strengthen your marriage and reassure your wife that you are fully committed to her and your family.
If your parents choose to remove themselves that is incredibly sad, but would you choose them over the family you have built? I hope not.
Good luck.
I would go find a good counselor who can help you work through the incredibly difficult position your parents have put you in, and help you manage the immense grief and guilt that comes with it.
You might also work with a counselor to strengthen your marriage and reassure your wife that you are fully committed to her and your family.
If your parents choose to remove themselves that is incredibly sad, but would you choose them over the family you have built? I hope not.
Good luck.