OP, is your mom depressed?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF is it with people who don't want to shower? It takes 5-10 minutes tops. I am past 50; I shower every day, and twice when I work out, and everyone in my extended family, even my parents, take a shower every day. This thread has been quite the eye-opener; I had no idea so many people don't like to take a shower.

IMHO, that is not enough time to get clean --esp since we know so many DCUMers think nothing more abrasive than the bar of soap and their hands is needed.

Wha??? I rarely shower longer than 10 minutes.
Why would anyone need more than that to get clean, besides shaving??

Anonymous wrote:WTF is it with people who don't want to shower? It takes 5-10 minutes tops. I am past 50; I shower every day, and twice when I work out, and everyone in my extended family, even my parents, take a shower every day. This thread has been quite the eye-opener; I had no idea so many people don't like to take a shower.

This is actually a popular subject. A surprising number of people and their kids don't shower every day and they swear they don't have BO or smelly hair.

Anonymous wrote:WTF is it with people who don't want to shower? It takes 5-10 minutes tops. I am past 50; I shower every day, and twice when I work out, and everyone in my extended family, even my parents, take a shower every day. This thread has been quite the eye-opener; I had no idea so many people don't like to take a shower.

IMHO, that is not enough time to get clean --esp since we know so many DCUMers think nothing more abrasive than the bar of soap and their hands is needed.

WTF is it with people who don't want to shower? It takes 5-10 minutes tops. I am past 50; I shower every day, and twice when I work out, and everyone in my extended family, even my parents, take a shower every day. This thread has been quite the eye-opener; I had no idea so many people don't like to take a shower.

My mom washes up at the sink with a washcloth and soap twice a day. She is afraid of falling or stinking.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I missing something? It is perfectly reasonable not to shower every day - in fact, since your mother has gone through menopause her skin is probably very dry and it is better for her not to shower every day. I understand your bigger point is that she smells, so you need to politely tell her that. Then it is her choice to shower more often, use a body spray, whatever. I really don't understand why you are angry at her, though. Many older people do not shower every day for a vsriety of reasons, fear of falling being a big one even at 62 - and many people much younger don't shower every day either.

At most I only shower every other day. I've been that way my whole life because I hate water.

And I hate FUNK -- so i wash up 2 + times a day. Hey, you can bathe as often as you please, but when you funk impacts other people, don't be surprised when you are told you smell. By the way, SEAT STINK can get in furniture and not come out. I don't want to be clean, then sit on the sofa behind you and now I STINK like your funky bee-hind.
Anyway, OP, your mother may have a medical issue or an emotional/psychological issue or some combination thereof. Talk to her gently about this -- it needs to be addressed.

Okay, I'll chime in with a different perspective. I have eczema and don't shower every day because it's aggravates my skin, but I brush my teeth everyday and shower at least every other day, certainly on days that I sweat. I also do a sniff test on myself at the end of each day and occasionally ask my husband if I should quickly rinse off.

When visiting my ILs, so people in their 60s, they really can not be at peace with their DIL, both a guest and a family member, not showering every day. It just makes them uneasy and they imagine I must be so so uncomfortable; they get uncomfortable just worrying about it. So, I do at least step into the shower and rinse off (not always with soap if my skin's dry) each day. I'm not used to it, I don't think it's necessary, and I don't smell. But it makes them comfortable and I'm not going to push back on something like that. In their world, people staying in their home shower each day - that's life.

If your mom is pushing back and saying she can't just go along with it (and is potentially lying about it?), then I think something's up beyond just a personal preference to shower less frequently. Either something physical, psychological, or maybe pride - could this be her silent defiance against your tracking her hygiene habits? Maybe she resents you inspecting the shower & her towel and finds it condescending?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I missing something? It is perfectly reasonable not to shower every day - in fact, since your mother has gone through menopause her skin is probably very dry and it is better for her not to shower every day. I understand your bigger point is that she smells, so you need to politely tell her that. Then it is her choice to shower more often, use a body spray, whatever. I really don't understand why you are angry at her, though. Many older people do not shower every day for a vsriety of reasons, fear of falling being a big one even at 62 - and many people much younger don't shower every day either.

At most I only shower every other day. I've been that way my whole life because I hate water.

And I hate FUNK -- so i wash up 2 + times a day. Hey, you can bathe as often as you please, but when you funk impacts other people, don't be surprised when you are told you smell. By the way, SEAT STINK can get in furniture and not come out. I don't want to be clean, then sit on the sofa behind you and now I STINK like your funky bee-hind.
Anyway, OP, your mother may have a medical issue or an emotional/psychological issue or some combination thereof. Talk to her gently about this -- it needs to be addressed.

Take her to Spa World.

Anonymous wrote:I agree with PP - maybe talking to your mother isn't the only thing. Also talk to your husband and children, explain that grandma is old ad forgets to shower sometimes or that she's afraid of water or whatever the actual reason is.

As for your mother: really talk to her about it. Stop hinting. Stop assuming. Sit down with her and say it out loud "Mom, I need to talk to you about your personal hygiene. I can see you're not showering regularly and I am wondering why?" If she doesn't answer, ask more specific. If she explains herself, even better. "Are you worried you will fall?", "Can you not reach your hair by yourself?", "Would it help if we had a shower chair so you can sit down while showering?"

Find out why she's not showering - you said it's only been going on in recent years ad is not something she has ALWAYS done. So something must cause the change of behavior. Maybe she just needs someone to really listen to her without prejudice and wanting to help.

I agree wholeheartedly. She is clearly embarrassed based on her comments and avoidance so a gentle approach is needed. I think you need to point out as kindly as possible that it is obvious she is not taking care of personal hygiene. She may not realize just how much others are noticing. At first I was thinking perhaps she was nervous about falling, etc or perhaps not sure how to manage in a different setting (working the dials, etc) but it really does sound sound like it's something different. Another thing to consider is that she may not launder her clothes enough. Body odor can really linger in clothing.

I agree with PP - maybe talking to your mother isn't the only thing. Also talk to your husband and children, explain that grandma is old ad forgets to shower sometimes or that she's afraid of water or whatever the actual reason is.

As for your mother: really talk to her about it. Stop hinting. Stop assuming. Sit down with her and say it out loud "Mom, I need to talk to you about your personal hygiene. I can see you're not showering regularly and I am wondering why?" If she doesn't answer, ask more specific. If she explains herself, even better. "Are you worried you will fall?", "Can you not reach your hair by yourself?", "Would it help if we had a shower chair so you can sit down while showering?"

Find out why she's not showering - you said it's only been going on in recent years ad is not something she has ALWAYS done. So something must cause the change of behavior. Maybe she just needs someone to really listen to her without prejudice and wanting to help.

OP, I think there are two issues here -- your mom's odor and your shame about it. And I think it's the shame that's the bigger issue.

You are not your mom. The fact that she has body odor sometimes is no reflection on you, your cleanliness, your worth, or anything.

I would be honest with my husband and just say, hey, you've got a stinky MIL. Better a kind and slightly odiferous one than a mean or nasty one!

My mom is incontinent. She talks about diarrhea contstantly, like, it's her favorite topic. I used to be embarrassed, but now I just accept it as one of her bizarre quirks. It's no reflection on me and my husband doesn't judge me for it.

it's a great opportunity to teach your children tolerance and empathy and kindness.

As for your mom, I would just kindly and gently say to her, "Mom, I'm sure you don't realize this, but you have some pretty strong body odor right now after traveling. I want you and the kids to feel comfortable being close and snuggling this week. Can I help you take a shower and wash up?" and if she demurrs, well, you've done your best. It's not the worst thing in the world if your kids have a grandma who is sweet and smells funny.

But please, please try to let go of your own shame. This has nothing to do with you. It's a quirk your mom has. You're ok. No one thinks less of you.

I think the note is really inappropriate and those kinds of notes never go over well.

I agree that your mom sounds unwell. I would sit down with her after the kids are in bed and say that you're really worried about her. Offer to help her bathe, brush her teeth, and do a load of laundry for her. If she declines or refuses, say you're very concerned and need to take her to the Dr if she's not able to care for herself.

Be concerned. Don't be angry. If she really is just refusing for some weird, personal preference reason rather than a mental illness or physical incapacity, then you being so concerned about her health should help her understanding that her behavior is alarming, and indeed noticeable (ie - smelling). You don't have to directly tell her she smells - if you're concerned with her inability to care for herself, that acknowledges the smell without insulting her.

I don't understand why you can't just get her to do it? We have this issue with my grandma and we just come right out and tell her that she needs a shower. We're just an open family... I don't understand families like yours that don't talk about everything or be open.