Anonymous wrote:Overly intrusive. It was likely natural causes otherwise the details could be googled. How would you like your own serious medical info to be a curiosity to someone you no longer wanted to associate with.

Under these circumstances? I would feel nothing since I would be dead.

Was it Fawn Liebowitz? she died in a Kiln accident

Anonymous wrote:I would send a card to the surviving spouse (if there is one) or her parents. Just saying you were friends from a long time ago, lost touch, but you have fond memories of good times together...and send your condolences to her children.

There's not much more you can do.

I don't think it's weird or creepy to wonder about the cause of death for a younger person or one of your peers. Especially a friend from way back. It doesn't make you a morbid, creepy or insensitive person. If you don't let it go after months and months, that's probably more about you. There is no indication that's happening here.

Last night while watching The Bachelorette (yep!), I googled the contestant who they say died. I was just curious. It was an accident while paragliding. That was the end of my "research."

I agree that sending your condolences may help you get closure as well as provide some comfort to her surviving family (not sure if comfort is the right word).

OP, I think your interest is perfectly normal. It's not weird or over the top.

I would send a card to the surviving spouse (if there is one) or her parents. Just saying you were friends from a long time ago, lost touch, but you have fond memories of good times together...and send your condolences to her children.

There's not much more you can do.

I don't think it's weird or creepy to wonder about the cause of death for a younger person or one of your peers. Especially a friend from way back. It doesn't make you a morbid, creepy or insensitive person. If you don't let it go after months and months, that's probably more about you. There is no indication that's happening here.

Last night while watching The Bachelorette (yep!), I googled the contestant who they say died. I was just curious. It was an accident while paragliding. That was the end of my "research."

OP here. Thank you for the replies.

No of course I'm not going to do anything creepy. I don't think I'm coming from a gossipy place; I'm coming from a place of real shock and sadness.

I mentioned it in an email to a friend of mine who knew both of us at the time and has only stayed in touch with me, and he just said, "oh, wow, I always think of X and that time we were walking down the street and some weirdo threw a bag of mayonnaise at us….ha ha…I'm sorry you're upset, but that was sooo long ago."

Bottom line: He doesn't get it; that wasn't helpful; I want someone to GET IT that I'm upset even though we were out of touch.

Ok so I realize I've asked the wrong question. It's really not about how she died. I guess the real question is, when someone you cared about dies, and you don't know what happened, and don't have any friends in common to discuss it, what do you do to help yourself let it go?

Anonymous wrote:Op letus know the cause when you find out. I always assume with a disease like cancer for instance there is a footprint. People praying or wishing the person well up until death so it's not sudden.

Agree

The alumni office is not going to release anything beyond what was in the obituary. Please don't waste their time.

Anonymous wrote:I would forget trying to learn how she died. If she left behind young kids, I would assume it was cancer. I think PP's suggestion to send a note to her family is a really nice idea, detailing how sorry you are and what a good friend she was in college. This may provide closure.

+100

It would for normal people. But OP is not normal, just nosy.

Anonymous wrote:Through an alumni magazine, I came across an obituary of a former friend of mine (we'd lost touch almost 20 years ago; she blew me off when I got engaged--I know--weird). She died last year. Anyways I never have forgotten her and was hopeful that one day we'd reconnect, although I didn't pursue it because of the prior blow-off. Just thought one day our paths would cross.

Well, too late for that; lesson learned. But I just want to know, what happened to her; I'm upset; her obituary says she left young kids. Obviously don't want to bother her widower. But other than googling her name (and just getting her obit), is there a way to find out? Some other search?''

Contact the alumni office. Most times for someone who is genuine, they will tell you. Sorry for your loss. Hard way to find out.

I would forget trying to learn how she died. If she left behind young kids, I would assume it was cancer. I think PP's suggestion to send a note to her family is a really nice idea, detailing how sorry you are and what a good friend she was in college. This may provide closure.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can try and obtain a copy of her death certificate.

That's so creepy.

It's creepy, but OP asked how she could find out - that's one way. Although it may not give details, like if the friend died in an accident, it would give the cause of death from a medical standpoint, without the circumstances.

I don't think it's a public document. You have to be family to get the death certificate.

+1 There is a reason for that. Because its n one's GD business. How old are you, OP?

Wow. Just wow. Let it go. Learn when to say when.

Yikes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any info you get is second hand and not necessarily the facts anyway. I've had this happen -- I was told the cause of death and it was wrong.

Yes, I always lie as to the cause of DH's death.

Is this a joke or sincere?

Not the PP, but I have a very close friend who has done this to protect her young children. He was a suicide. She will tell them when they are old enough to understand. Meanwhile, only her immediate family and 2 close friends know.

That's so sad. I can't imagine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any info you get is second hand and not necessarily the facts anyway. I've had this happen -- I was told the cause of death and it was wrong.

Yes, I always lie as to the cause of DH's death.

Is this a joke or sincere?

Not the PP, but I have a very close friend who has done this to protect her young children. He was a suicide. She will tell them when they are old enough to understand. Meanwhile, only her immediate family and 2 close friends know.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP--two suggestions. Contact the alumni office. Sometimes they know a little bit more information than they post in the magazine.

Second--post on FB. I have a handful (around a dozen) college friends and about the same HS friends. However, they are all FB friends with more college/HS friends that I don't know as well. The network within six degrees is pretty large. I have occasionally posted something on FB and had someone who was a friend of a friend of a friend respond and provide me with old information.

Wait. Are you telling OP to post on facebook "Does anyone know how Mary Sue died?"

Right!?! Or even better call the alumni office - "I saw Mary Sue Smith, class of 90, died. Random intern, do you know how?"

Are you for real pp?