Anonymous
05/19/2014 21:53
Subject: Mother with an opinion about EVERYTHING.
My mother was like this. Still is a bit.
She was very judgmental about everything. The last straw was when she tried to forbid me to get married. So gradually I stopped telling her things. We mostly talked about the weather. I didn't tell her I eloped.
One time I told her I bought new dinning room chairs and she asked why I was keeping that a secret. I told her honestly that I didn't think it was that important, why was she being so sensitive? And she said it was symptomatic of me keeping secrets from her. And it was true.
When I told her after the fact that I sold my car, she was livid. And I told her crying on the phone that I can't tell her anything because everything I do is wrong (she said I didn't get enough money for the car). Does she know how hard it is to be always wrong to the person who should love you the most?
I had a few of these crying episodes where she would be disappointed at me and I would cry and yell that it's hard being a failure to her.
Then she found out I was married and the shit hit the fan. But since she wanted to see the grandkid it eventually blew over.
I'd say our relationship is better now. She knows that if she starts her judgmental crap I will withdraw. We don't talk about the weather so much anymore.
She was very judgmental about everything. The last straw was when she tried to forbid me to get married. So gradually I stopped telling her things. We mostly talked about the weather. I didn't tell her I eloped.
One time I told her I bought new dinning room chairs and she asked why I was keeping that a secret. I told her honestly that I didn't think it was that important, why was she being so sensitive? And she said it was symptomatic of me keeping secrets from her. And it was true.
When I told her after the fact that I sold my car, she was livid. And I told her crying on the phone that I can't tell her anything because everything I do is wrong (she said I didn't get enough money for the car). Does she know how hard it is to be always wrong to the person who should love you the most?
I had a few of these crying episodes where she would be disappointed at me and I would cry and yell that it's hard being a failure to her.
Then she found out I was married and the shit hit the fan. But since she wanted to see the grandkid it eventually blew over.
I'd say our relationship is better now. She knows that if she starts her judgmental crap I will withdraw. We don't talk about the weather so much anymore.
Anonymous
05/19/2014 21:05
Subject: Re:Mother with an opinion about EVERYTHING.
My mother was/is a lot like this. I don't even know where to start. I am an only child--not sure if it makes this worse.
I recently saw this, OP: http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/narcissistic-mother/
Needless to say I answered "yes" to more of these questions than not. My mother was much more like this when I was growing up even than now. It still affects me, but now I see it for what it really was/is.
I wish I knew you IRL--I totally get where you are coming from.
I recently saw this, OP: http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/narcissistic-mother/
Needless to say I answered "yes" to more of these questions than not. My mother was much more like this when I was growing up even than now. It still affects me, but now I see it for what it really was/is.
I wish I knew you IRL--I totally get where you are coming from.
Anonymous
05/19/2014 16:19
Subject: Re:Mother with an opinion about EVERYTHING.
OMG your poor husband. My MIL was like that with my SIL and I think it helped break up her marriage, because my SIL overshared with her mom and her husband often felt cut out. Of course MIL was incredibly frustrated when I didn't allow her to run my life or my family's. She complained bitterly, but I didn't care, and my DH eventually got tired of hearing her complain. Now, she's respectful, at least to my face, because she knows I'm not going to put up with her controlling ways. But she still runs my SIL's life.
Anonymous
05/19/2014 12:35
Subject: Re:Mother with an opinion about EVERYTHING.
Why would your mom care what COUCH you buy? That is strange. Never let her move in with you. You need to set boundaries! "Thanks, mom, but I'm just going with DH to buy the couch. I don't have time to go with you first." And if she gets mad and doesn't talk to you....so what? Let her get over it.
Anonymous
05/19/2014 12:30
Subject: Mother with an opinion about EVERYTHING.
Anonymous wrote:
OP,
You missed that part of growing up, and now habits have become ingrained and it's tougher to separate. I went through the same thing.
1. First accept that there WILL be World War III. Prepare for it mentally, talk about it with your spouse, organize the logistics with another back-up instead of her. Reinvent your whole life without her (one day she won't be there anyway).
2. Second, start the war - limit contact. Do not answer every single email, text, voice mail. Wait a few hours, a few days, before contacting her. Never give details. Describe the past and not the future. Don't ask for her help or her opinion unless you are really ready to follow her advice (so practically never).
3. The fallout may be severe but it will pass and she will learn not to bother you so much. If not, limiting contact will save your sanity. Your children do NOT need an abusive control-freak grandma in their lives!
When talking to her, state your positions clearly and succintly, never explain or go on the defensive. If she gets unpleasant, end the phone call or leave. NEVER apologize for this situation. Your mother is abusive and controlling and manipulative. You are not at fault.
Good luck ad stay strong!
Having BTDT, this is great advice. When controlling people's regimes fall apart, they do implode, and be prepared for them to destroy everything that they can. This can include relationships with your siblings, etc. I say this not to freak anyone out, but that it's definitely possible. The relatives who truly care about you will reach out to you--but don't try to rope them into your fight by rehashing the evils that your mother did to you in her latest attack. Just have a relationship with the people who want to have one with you (and vice-versa). If they're in it for the gossip and to feed it to your mom, you'll find out eventually. The key is to protect yourself and your family.
I'm sure you love your mom, but she's selfish, and selfish people don't love properly. She loves you but in some twisted needy way, the same way she throws a temper-tantrum when she can't help you pick out a couch for the house she doesn't live in!
Anonymous
05/18/2014 21:29
Subject: Re:Mother with an opinion about EVERYTHING.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your poor husband.
Does he realize what an immature mommy's girl he married? I guess he does now.
Wow, you're helpful! Why post something like that?
Because it's true. OP has some serious issues going on here if she lets her mother get under her skin like this, and completely run her life. And it will start to impact her marriage if it hasn't already.
+1000
Anonymous
05/18/2014 21:26
Subject: Mother with an opinion about EVERYTHING.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think you just need to watch what you tell her and when you tell her..
Instead of saying "We're going to buy a couch this week." Say - "We bought a couch! Want to come by and see it?"
21:03 here. i agree with this but then it becomes an issue that she didnt tell her mother they were thinking about buying or when they bought it. mothers like this are never happy and its hard not to let it bother you when they out and blame their unhappiness on you.
OP here and this is exactly right. I would love to just tell her after the fact about the sofa but that would be even worse that I didn't tell her we were going. She'd say I was trying to hide it from her. I try really hard not to let it bother me but it gets to me eventually.
Why are you telling her where you are going? You said you were in your late 30s, not a 16 year old. No wonder she treats you like a child, you're still acting like one.
Do you have mommy's permission to be on DCUM?
IF you need her to babysit, tell her you're going out with DH. You actually don't need to give her a reason. Or detailed plans. Do you ask her before you have sex with DH too?
Anonymous
05/18/2014 21:24
Subject: Mother with an opinion about EVERYTHING.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think you just need to watch what you tell her and when you tell her..
Instead of saying "We're going to buy a couch this week." Say - "We bought a couch! Want to come by and see it?"
21:03 here. i agree with this but then it becomes an issue that she didnt tell her mother they were thinking about buying or when they bought it. mothers like this are never happy and its hard not to let it bother you when they out and blame their unhappiness on you. [/quote
The mother sounds like she is psycho.... seriously, the mother has some real issues and she needs therapy. She also needs to get a life so she's not micromanaging OP's life. I'm wondering if OP's grandmother micromanaged OP's mother's life and now she thinks its her turn?
Anonymous
05/18/2014 21:21
Subject: Mother with an opinion about EVERYTHING.
Anonymous wrote:My mother and I have always been really close, in many ways she's my best friend but she's also incredibly opinionated and a little too involved in every detail of my life. I'm 37 years old, married with 3 children and sometimes she still treats me like a child when I don't do what she wants. She's never going to change, I know that, but what I'm looking for is a way to deal with her constant opinions and criticism. So for example, DH and I are getting a new sofa. She wants to go with me to look at sofas before I go with DH so she can give her opinion about them before we pick then. I don't have time to go twice and frankly I don't know why she needs to have a say in what sofa we choose. Now she's angry and hung up the phone on me because I won't go with her first. As I said, I have 3 little children and I have my hands full with them but she constantly tells me my house isnt neat enough. She texts me all the time to tell me to clean up, remind me when the trash has to go out and tells me about various tasks she thinks DH needs to do. If I get even a little annoyed she won't speak to me until I apologize.
I know from everything I'm saying she sounds awful but there is a lot of good too. She's an amazing grandmother and she really helps me out a TON. Of course I'd just as soon not have her help because of the strings that come with it (ie she thinks she can say anything to me because of her generosity etc) but if I ever told her that I didn't want or need her help it would literally start world war 3. Does anyone have a parent like this and how do you deal? I usually just say "ok" to whatever she says whether I plan to do it or not but sometimes that just doesn't work.
Grow a backbone. You're 37 for goodness sakes. Tell your mother to BUTT OUT. Better yet, don't tell her your plans. You know she is like this, so why tell her about the couch? I feel for your husband. You're lucky he puts up with you and your mother.
-DW
Anonymous
05/18/2014 20:39
Subject: Re:Mother with an opinion about EVERYTHING.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your poor husband.
Does he realize what an immature mommy's girl he married? I guess he does now.
Wow, you're helpful! Why post something like that?
Because it's true. OP has some serious issues going on here if she lets her mother get under her skin like this, and completely run her life. And it will start to impact her marriage if it hasn't already.
no. what is probably true, and you clearly do not understand, is that OP has been raised by an emotionally abusive and controlling mother who undermined OP's self confidence. it takes a lot of effort, as an adult, to undue the damage an upbringing like this can do. this is not being an "immature mommy's girl".