Anonymous
Post 05/17/2014 08:53     Subject: My child broke my trust completely.
Anonymous wrote:Spanking is fine if done in moderation and from love not uncontrolled, kids need to learn what makes people mad.


This sentence is so messed up. Spanking because you're mad crosses the line from discipline to abuse. If you want to hit something because you're mad, pick something other than a child. This one of the first things a child is taught in preschool. When you're mad, use your words.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2014 08:21     Subject: My child broke my trust completely.
Anonymous wrote:OP, what do you want us to say? That your child behaved v wrongly etc etc. ? You already know that. In the heat of the moment, I may have done the same as you (except the spanking) but, with hindsight, he deserves to be heard, to be told you love him whatever but that you are disappointed and tou tell him how he can put it right. The chance of putting it right is the most important thing here. Otherwise he will just feel shame and worthlessness.


I think what OP wants us to say is that it will be OK. And it will. It can be very disappointing -- and scary -- when a child of this age (who obviously know right from wrong) does something like this. OP, I think you and DH handled it perfectly. I think he got the message. You still love him but what he did was wrong, wrong, wrong and he best never do it again. He's a kid. He messed up, in the confines of his family, where we are supposed to learn lessons like this.

Let it go. He'll be fine and so will you. You sound like great parents.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2014 08:18     Subject: My child broke my trust completely.
Spanking is fine if done in moderation and from love not uncontrolled, kids need to learn what makes people mad.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2014 08:16     Subject: My child broke my trust completely.
I have a younger kid, but a couple of close friends have older kids ("good" kids) both have stole money or lied about something big at least once. Both lied again to prevent fpgetting caught.

Regarding money-- Here's an idea. Make him "earn money" by doing chores that benefit the family. Laundry, yard work, etc. (not cleaning his own stuff which is his job). Don't just "tell" him- show him, how hard it is to earn something. Have him earn $60 with chores over the summer.

I think that taking his privileges for a short time is valid- but it may do more to convey " your" displeasure than teaching the lessons of hard work and honesty. He's an older child and should have to work for a few things, especially when money is tight.

I have a close friend (single working mom) whose son (twelve) is saving for a computer by doing chores, watching younger siblings, saving birthday money and has even sold some of his possessions toward this goal. It's incredibly cool- and born out of necessity to help his mom and family.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2014 08:02     Subject: Re:My child broke my trust completely.
Anonymous wrote:More blah blah blah from the loons who think every behavior is age-appropriate. I know many ten year olds - and was a ten year old once - and know of no incidence of stealing. Ten year olds are MORE than capable of understanding that stealing is wrong, and taking money from people hurts them. Jesus, people like you guys are the reason a woman I know thinks it's perfectly reasonable for her 7 and 9 year olds to have public tantrums - oh it's what kids do. Nope, it's what YOUR kids do because you've read one too many dopey parenting books telling you that kids are never responsible for their behavior. OP gave her son many, many, chances to confess and guess what, real life is such that sometimes EVEN IF YOU CONFESS you still get punished. And sometimes there's no life lesson in it, you just screw up so you get your behind kicked. Happens to us all.

OP I think you've handled it well but do make sure your son knows it's the "crime" that you detest, not him. We all make mistakes, do bad things, and get punished. Life goes on.



I was a really really good kid, and even I lied to my mom as a teenager. Many many kids do it. Well what if this is the first time this kid stole? And what if when he saw his mother upset and looking for it, he feared coming clean because of the prior spankings for serious offenses? 10 years is still a kid who is learning how to navigate life. Maybe OP is explosive with her anger so he was afraid of making her sad? It's not all black and white, you don't know the family dynamics. If he's otherwise a pretty good kid, then getting him to feel comfortable confessing now will pay back hugely when he's a teenager being offered drugs or rides home by a drunk friend. If he's terrified to come to them for this? He's going to be terrified to come to them later. I'm not against punishment and consequences, my kids are well behaved according to a lot of outsiders, and it takes work, all parents know that. In this case? Spanking was not the answer.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2014 07:56     Subject: Re:My child broke my trust completely.
More blah blah blah from the loons who think every behavior is age-appropriate. I know many ten year olds - and was a ten year old once - and know of no incidence of stealing. Ten year olds are MORE than capable of understanding that stealing is wrong, and taking money from people hurts them. Jesus, people like you guys are the reason a woman I know thinks it's perfectly reasonable for her 7 and 9 year olds to have public tantrums - oh it's what kids do. Nope, it's what YOUR kids do because you've read one too many dopey parenting books telling you that kids are never responsible for their behavior. OP gave her son many, many, chances to confess and guess what, real life is such that sometimes EVEN IF YOU CONFESS you still get punished. And sometimes there's no life lesson in it, you just screw up so you get your behind kicked. Happens to us all.

OP I think you've handled it well but do make sure your son knows it's the "crime" that you detest, not him. We all make mistakes, do bad things, and get punished. Life goes on.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2014 07:37     Subject: My child broke my trust completely.
Read "Nurture Shock" and the chapter on lying. The more you punish, the better he's going to lie the next time.

If this were me? I would have thanked him for finally coming clean. Then explained how money is tight and it stressed you out for it to go missing. Asked him why he wanted the money, talked about ways he could legitimately earn it. Then I would explain that if he did, in fact, lie and steal again, he would have consequences. Then we would agree on the future consequences (and I wouldn't let it be easy ones) and if it happened again, of course the consequences would be followed through.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2014 07:37     Subject: Re:My child broke my trust completely.
OP knew what she was doing when she made up this post.... It doesn't even make sense to me. You were frantically looking for 60 bucks for tuition, yet you say money isn't an issue. Go to the ATM and get out 60 more bucks. Who pays tuition in cash anyways. Why would you use the bathroom and put the money in a drawer, vs on top of the counter? And why would your son know to go to that specific bathroom drawer to find money? I call BS.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2014 07:33     Subject: My child broke my trust completely.
Anonymous wrote:Yes, your son is very awar of your money problems and sounds like is sacred to deth.

You said yourself tat you were frantic over $60 and questioning each of your kids.

Why were you putting money in your bathroom cabinet anyway?

Why not write checks instead of pulling and large amounts of cash around the house?


Yes, what is up with the bathroom cabinet? And how would enough cash for preschool tuition fit in a wallet?
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2014 07:18     Subject: Re:My child broke my trust completely.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote: OP again.

My child doesn't know about the few extra house expenses we've had lately. We have a mortgage that has never been late, two car payments that are always paid each month and food in the refrigerator. Again, we don't discuss money when our kids are around. If this was a possible excuse to use for my child, I would be inclined to use it. He stole $75 from my wallet for the sole reason of "wanting it". I refuse to raise a child that steals from me or anyone else. I think I'm doing what a parent should do and I know some will disagree with me. I just want my child to understand what he did was wrong and why it was wrong. I don't steal because I "want" things and neither will he.


You should probably re-home your kids now, then. What your DS did is not unusual for kids. They act on impulse even if they know it's wrong and, later, are reluctant to confess because of shame and fear of punishment. Your actions after your DS confessed certainly reinforce that. At that age, we often discussed with our kids what an appropriate punishment would be for whatever transaction they committed. As parents, we talk with our kids to understand why they did something. We then tell them how it made us felt, the impact on the family, our concerns, etc and then listen to what they think are appropriate consequences to their actions. All you've done is teach your kid he should get better at keeping a secret.


This PP has it right. Please pay close attention.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2014 07:15     Subject: My child broke my trust completely.
Yes, your son is very awar of your money problems and sounds like is sacred to deth.

You said yourself tat you were frantic over $60 and questioning each of your kids.

Why were you putting money in your bathroom cabinet anyway?

Why not write checks instead of pulling and large amounts of cash around the house?
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2014 07:15     Subject: Re:My child broke my trust completely.
Anonymous wrote: OP again.

My child doesn't know about the few extra house expenses we've had lately. We have a mortgage that has never been late, two car payments that are always paid each month and food in the refrigerator. Again, we don't discuss money when our kids are around. If this was a possible excuse to use for my child, I would be inclined to use it. He stole $75 from my wallet for the sole reason of "wanting it". I refuse to raise a child that steals from me or anyone else. I think I'm doing what a parent should do and I know some will disagree with me. I just want my child to understand what he did was wrong and why it was wrong. I don't steal because I "want" things and neither will he.


You should probably re-home your kids now, then. What your DS did is not unusual for kids. They act on impulse even if they know it's wrong and, later, are reluctant to confess because of shame and fear of punishment. Your actions after your DS confessed certainly reinforce that. At that age, we often discussed with our kids what an appropriate punishment would be for whatever transaction they committed. As parents, we talk with our kids to understand why they did something. We then tell them how it made us felt, the impact on the family, our concerns, etc and then listen to what they think are appropriate consequences to their actions. All you've done is teach your kid he should get better at keeping a secret.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2014 07:04     Subject: My child broke my trust completely.
Shame on you for hitting your child? Did it make you feel better? Allow you to display your power over a CHILD? You need counseling OP. Shame! Shame!
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2014 05:37     Subject: My child broke my trust completely.
I'm really sorry this happened OP. The fact that he took money at a time when money is so tight must be agonizing for you. I understand how you got so angry that you spanked him. Move on from that.

10 year olds don't have perfect empathy. I would think about having him write an essay (not long, 1-2 pages) about what it means for your family when money is tight and bills don't get paid. He can also talk about what he wanted to do with the money so the two of you can discuss that.

Does he get an allowance of any kind?
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2014 04:24     Subject: My child broke my trust completely.
Anonymous wrote:People are getting distracted by the spanking. The deeper issue is figuring out if your kid stole, lied and conned his grandparents bc of poor judgement or if he lacks empathy and remorse.
Making him work off his theft and taking away freedoms is def a good strategy. In the coming months and years you can figure out if he regrets consequences of future bad behavior bc he is developing empathy or because he gets caught.
If he has impulse and/or anti-social issues then the only recourse you will have is making the consequences harsh enough to make him decide it's not worth the risk.
Taking away the iPad, TV, Internet, phone, making him work off the value of the theft with unpleasant jobs is perfectly reasonable and perhaps having him do chores for grandparents too bc misleading them made them victims too.
Nip this in the bud. If he can internalize the impact stealing and conning others has, it may be the last lesson he needs to learn in this regard.



Yes, PP. Finally, someone getting to the real issue. Why did he take the money in the first place? What did he need the money for? And, what was a 10 year old intending to do with $75? I have 11 year old twins. My DD earns money periodically from chores (I.e., $5 here and there). She has managed to squirreled away over $400 and put most of it in her bank account. She also collects coins in a big jar, which can add up to some serious cash. If your DS wants money, he can earn it but frankly at that age, we buy most of the things they need except junk from the ice cream truck or CVS. I am concerned about the fact that he took the money and for what reason. And, would he go to a friend's house and take money or something of value that is left out in the open. You need to get to the bottom of this before it escalates outside of your house.