Anonymous
Post 05/06/2014 21:14     Subject: Sibling Only Vacation
Anonymous wrote:If the grandparents want to spend time with the kids and they are old enough, why not send the grandkids to stay with them during the summer when none of the parents are on vacation. It's great to have some kid free time!

Plus, the grandkids will love it. Just make sure the grandparents are up for taking care of the kids.


I would agree this is a great idea. But with her mom living with them, it's hard. Unfortunately, taking care of her is very similar to taking care of an infant. Since her mom moved in, they no longer babysit my kids. It's just too much for them. I could propose flying the kids down a week early and having them stay with me if the kids schedules permit this. I could take them to my parents every day or my dad could pick them up and do something with them. I'd even be willing to enroll the kids in day camp and go to my parents for dinner each night with them if all day is too much for them.
Anonymous
Post 05/06/2014 21:12     Subject: Sibling Only Vacation
Anonymous wrote:It's clear that what is lost is the inter-generational caring and commitment that used to mark human family relationships. There are many people, lots on this board, with toxic parents and relationships characterized by abuse. You don't describe that type of problem. You describe wanting to be a "kid" and have fun time away from your parents while your parents, who are admittedly elderly and may or may not have another year of life left in them, want to impose on your good time.

What is there to be grateful for? How about being grateful for having living parents who are still mentally stable and physically able at 75 years old and having parents that you love and who love you and who love their grandchildren. These are not things to be taken for granted or blown off.


Oh, please. Spare me. Adult children don't have to spend all their free time with their elderly parents. If you read the previous post, you would see that the OP spends time with her father. She just doesn't want to vacation with him. I don't see a problem here. A vacation is supposed to be relaxing. She didn't make plans with him and he is rude for wanting to invite himself and his wife and MIL. That's just rude!

When I go on vacation, it's me, DH and the kids. No other family allowed. My parents see the kids at least once a week. My MIL is now deceased, but she would see the kids when she wasn't busy traveling. My FIL visits for months at a time (he has a second home) and sees the kids several times a year (whenever he asks to see them, I allow it).

I don't live my life for the older generation. They are included in our lives, but they don't dictate how I live my life.

As to the poster I quoted, I wonder how much time you devote to your elderly parents.

Anonymous
Post 05/06/2014 21:08     Subject: Sibling Only Vacation
Op given you all see your dad and family frequently, then I don't think it is unreasonable to want some time with just your brother and the kids.

I would just keep reinforcing what you have told them - not this time. Tell them you are on different schedules, have different routines and have different needs and this vacation isn't the time for everyone to be together.

If you and your brother end up deciding to 'cave', is it an option for your dad and co to rent a nearby cottage where you could spend time together during the day but still have your own house and your own routines.
Anonymous
Post 05/06/2014 21:05     Subject: Sibling Only Vacation
If the grandparents want to spend time with the kids and they are old enough, why not send the grandkids to stay with them during the summer when none of the parents are on vacation. It's great to have some kid free time!

Plus, the grandkids will love it. Just make sure the grandparents are up for taking care of the kids.
Anonymous
Post 05/06/2014 21:03     Subject: Sibling Only Vacation
Anonymous wrote:You and your brother need to grow back bones and tell your parents the truth. What a concept!


+1

Your parents are rude for inviting themselves. Are they so clueless? If you wanted them to come, you would have invited them. Simply say you already made plans to have a siblings only vacation.

If they press it, then you will have to be more blunt, but seriously, are they that clueless?
Anonymous
Post 05/06/2014 21:02     Subject: Sibling Only Vacation
Anonymous wrote:OP didn't ask for input on whether on not she should invite her father, stepmother and step-grandmother. She has already decided that she does not wish to do that. It is her family dynamic, and therefore she is entitled to decide the terms on which she expresses her love and gratitude or lack thereof towards her elderly relatives and step-relatives. I hate how there are two settings: outright abuse=cut them off completely, or lack or outright abuse=do whatever they want because they are family.

OP, whether or not you think deep down that maybe your father should have been included, the fact that he found out and is now pressuring and guilt-tripping to get his way says to me that the answer must be NO. Full stop. Do not make a "replacement" visit to placate him because it will only feed this behavior. "We made plans that are based around the children. We were not able to invite you this time, but will consider doing things differently in the future." If he goes into how he won't be around much longer, etc., the answer is, "If you don't feel you are getting enough time with the grandkids, you are welcome to come visit us at home. As for Brother's kids, why not ask when would be a convenient time for you to get together with them?" If he has the means and physical ability to visit, and wants to see you this summer, then it is in him to make that happen.


+1

Don't feel the need to lie. It's true that your stepmom may have hurt feelings, but you have a couple months to figure out some ways to show that you do appreciate her, her cooking, etc. But that THIS vacation is centered around sibling bonding and cousins bonding. End of story. Firm, gentle, honest.

Anonymous
Post 05/06/2014 20:50     Subject: Sibling Only Vacation
Anonymous wrote:I totally understand wanting to have one vacation with your brother and his kids while you're all the ages you are now. It changes the dynamics to have another generation or two there with you.

Can you have a frank conversation with your dad that it's really about not wanting to also invite your stepmom's mom?

If not, then would you feel comfortable telling them that there's not enough room in the house?

We sometimes do vacations with my grandparents' generation. The vibe is not as much fun with them, but half the time they're taking naps or going on walks. It is nice for the kids to be able to spend time with the grandparents and great grandparents while they're still around. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad?


We should have decided to go to Disney world!

I can have a frank conversation with my dad. He will get it. I'll still have to face the hurt and and anger from my step mom though. I can't lie to him and tell him there's not enough room. If something changes between now and Aug, it would awkward to be caught in that lie. Although I guess I could always say we swapped rentals for a larger house.

Anonymous
Post 05/06/2014 20:40     Subject: Sibling Only Vacation
I totally understand wanting to have one vacation with your brother and his kids while you're all the ages you are now. It changes the dynamics to have another generation or two there with you.

Can you have a frank conversation with your dad that it's really about not wanting to also invite your stepmom's mom?

If not, then would you feel comfortable telling them that there's not enough room in the house?

We sometimes do vacations with my grandparents' generation. The vibe is not as much fun with them, but half the time they're taking naps or going on walks. It is nice for the kids to be able to spend time with the grandparents and great grandparents while they're still around. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad?
Anonymous
Post 05/06/2014 20:34     Subject: Sibling Only Vacation
OP didn't ask for input on whether on not she should invite her father, stepmother and step-grandmother. She has already decided that she does not wish to do that. It is her family dynamic, and therefore she is entitled to decide the terms on which she expresses her love and gratitude or lack thereof towards her elderly relatives and step-relatives. I hate how there are two settings: outright abuse=cut them off completely, or lack or outright abuse=do whatever they want because they are family.

OP, whether or not you think deep down that maybe your father should have been included, the fact that he found out and is now pressuring and guilt-tripping to get his way says to me that the answer must be NO. Full stop. Do not make a "replacement" visit to placate him because it will only feed this behavior. "We made plans that are based around the children. We were not able to invite you this time, but will consider doing things differently in the future." If he goes into how he won't be around much longer, etc., the answer is, "If you don't feel you are getting enough time with the grandkids, you are welcome to come visit us at home. As for Brother's kids, why not ask when would be a convenient time for you to get together with them?" If he has the means and physical ability to visit, and wants to see you this summer, then it is in him to make that happen.
Anonymous
Post 05/06/2014 20:31     Subject: Sibling Only Vacation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Seriously, what is the big deal? So what if they come along?


DH and I would like to go out to dinner alone one night, we've already agreed to swap babysitting duties. The parental units feel that dinner should all be eaten together. My kids are 3 and 6, they still don't get why we eat dinner before 9pm. They are night owls and don't start their day until 2-3pm but everything should be done as a family so we should not go to the beach without them. My step mom is a fantastic gourmet cook. I am a mom with 2 kids. She enjoys making multi course meals. She expects others to do the same in return. If I manage a protein, a vegetable and a starch on a plate, I consider that a success. She starts her meals with an app, a soup, and salad followed by the main course and dessert. Everything is homemade and delicious. She has come right out and told me she does not enjoy store bought food and won't eat it. I just can't cook like she does and yes, they eat like that every night.

The last time we tried this a few years ago it didn't work out well. There were a lot of hurt feelings around expectations that were not communicated. This time my brother and I just wanted a fun, non stressful vacation.


Step mom is a controlling b***ch. It has to be her way or no way AND her demanding mother comes with the package? RUN... You are not describing a vacation.


I appreciate the sentiment but not the name calling.
Anonymous
Post 05/06/2014 20:28     Subject: Re:Sibling Only Vacation
Anonymous wrote:He is 75, and he is your parent. It does not sound as though he is abusive or that there are any extenuating circumstances. i would count your blessings and invite the grandparents to come. This is partially for them, so that they are not unhappy and feeling left out. But it is also for you, because if something does happen soon you will likely feel terrible about this whole incident. Next time, if you want time with your brother and his family, I would suggest you talk with your parents beforehand, giving them your explanation and context, so that they aren't surprised and feeling left out when a grandchild spreads the news. I wouldn't suggest this if it were just a friend who was feeling left out. It's your parent, and, presumably, they have done a lot for you. Time to go out of your way to help them feel included and good about their lives.


You are right. We handled it poorly in choosing not to tell them. Do you have any advice in how to fix the current situation? Should I appologize for not telling them about the vacation?
Anonymous
Post 05/06/2014 20:27     Subject: Sibling Only Vacation
I'm sorry, it won't work out this year, maybe next year. Repeat as necessary. But maybe come back early Saturday so you can have dinner and they can see the grand kids from NY. I can see why they would be upset that their grand kids will be in their city and can't spare a few hours for them.
Anonymous
Post 05/06/2014 20:24     Subject: Sibling Only Vacation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Seriously, what is the big deal? So what if they come along?


DH and I would like to go out to dinner alone one night, we've already agreed to swap babysitting duties. The parental units feel that dinner should all be eaten together. My kids are 3 and 6, they still don't get why we eat dinner before 9pm. They are night owls and don't start their day until 2-3pm but everything should be done as a family so we should not go to the beach without them. My step mom is a fantastic gourmet cook. I am a mom with 2 kids. She enjoys making multi course meals. She expects others to do the same in return. If I manage a protein, a vegetable and a starch on a plate, I consider that a success. She starts her meals with an app, a soup, and salad followed by the main course and dessert. Everything is homemade and delicious. She has come right out and told me she does not enjoy store bought food and won't eat it. I just can't cook like she does and yes, they eat like that every night.

The last time we tried this a few years ago it didn't work out well. There were a lot of hurt feelings around expectations that were not communicated. This time my brother and I just wanted a fun, non stressful vacation.


Step mom is a controlling b***ch. It has to be her way or no way AND her demanding mother comes with the package? RUN... You are not describing a vacation.
Anonymous
Post 05/06/2014 20:23     Subject: Re:Sibling Only Vacation
He is 75, and he is your parent. It does not sound as though he is abusive or that there are any extenuating circumstances. i would count your blessings and invite the grandparents to come. This is partially for them, so that they are not unhappy and feeling left out. But it is also for you, because if something does happen soon you will likely feel terrible about this whole incident. Next time, if you want time with your brother and his family, I would suggest you talk with your parents beforehand, giving them your explanation and context, so that they aren't surprised and feeling left out when a grandchild spreads the news. I wouldn't suggest this if it were just a friend who was feeling left out. It's your parent, and, presumably, they have done a lot for you. Time to go out of your way to help them feel included and good about their lives.
Anonymous
Post 05/06/2014 20:21     Subject: Sibling Only Vacation
Anonymous wrote:Seriously, what is the big deal? So what if they come along?


DH and I would like to go out to dinner alone one night, we've already agreed to swap babysitting duties. The parental units feel that dinner should all be eaten together. My kids are 3 and 6, they still don't get why we eat dinner before 9pm. They are night owls and don't start their day until 2-3pm but everything should be done as a family so we should not go to the beach without them. My step mom is a fantastic gourmet cook. I am a mom with 2 kids. She enjoys making multi course meals. She expects others to do the same in return. If I manage a protein, a vegetable and a starch on a plate, I consider that a success. She starts her meals with an app, a soup, and salad followed by the main course and dessert. Everything is homemade and delicious. She has come right out and told me she does not enjoy store bought food and won't eat it. I just can't cook like she does and yes, they eat like that every night.

The last time we tried this a few years ago it didn't work out well. There were a lot of hurt feelings around expectations that were not communicated. This time my brother and I just wanted a fun, non stressful vacation.