Why are you staying with him OP? He's verbally abusive, passive aggressive and knowingly harming your child with crappy food. What amazing qualities outweigh all of this? Please share.

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why the poster above had to be so annoying.

OP, my DH is an insulin-dependent diabetic so i have a sense of what you're dealing with. I wonder if part of this is your DH's underlying anger about his own limitations and the burden of constantly restricting and monitoring food. Maybe this is a way of rebelling against the diabetes - by refusing to acknowledge it. I would suggest that, in future conversations, maybe you could focus on how the improved diet will help DD improve in the sport she has chosen. Accentuate the non-health related positives since he has already shown he isn't very swayed by the health arguments.

Just a thought. Sorry you're dealing with this. My DH is also such a control freak, I know what it can be like.

I've argued this issue from every possible angle. I was nice and gently said it needed to change for a lot of different reasons. I tried to compromise. I've tried being bitchy and throwing away the things he buys. Every thing I do seems to make him more resolved to feed her crap. This is why I'm so frustrated. I have had enough of the arguing and pleading. It seems to work against me (and her) in the long term.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The sports has been an ongoing thing. I have signed her up for several sports in the last 2 years. She finished all of them, but she didn't care to continue any. We recently found the sport she loves and she's doing it. I signed her up for 2 classes a week and she's adding daily exercise so she can build the little bit of muscle she needs to do well.

I have been asking for him to change his habits or to let me take over the shopping responsibility or for several years. Trying to get anything away from someone with serious control issues is very difficult and the entire house has to deal with the fallout. He was angry that I did the shopping yesterday, but hasn't said anything about it after storming out.

I precooked and preportioned meals for most days this week. I cut up the fruits that can be precut and portioned them in individual servings. I'd love to be there to monitor snacks and cook dinner every night of the week, but it isn't possible. I'm doing what I can do on the weekends. I've been feeding her breakfast and packing her lunch with her every morning since the fall. It's snacks, dinner and desserts that are a ridiculous amount of empty calories.

Her and I talked about it yesterday. I told her I would be doing the shopping because I want her to have healthy foods. We discussed the things she eats that I won't be buying and what we're going to replace it with. She seemed relieved when I told her eating more whole foods and less junk will improve her energy level. I did not bring up weight. My mother was a freak about weight when I was young and it was awful. We're focusing on eating and exercising so she has the strength and energy to do the things she wants to do.

I am worried about him trying to sabotage these efforts with Dairy Queen runs and other bullshit. I'll figure out how to deal with that. I'd be thrilled to hear suggestions if anyone has some.

Thanks, everyone.

OP, you were given plenty of suggestions for this on the first page. Let me summarize: get into marriage counseling or you could decide that you've had enough of his passive aggressive behavior and leave. This is a HUGE problem between you and your husband around communication, control and how you need to be on the same page with raising your daughter in a healthy way. There really aren't any other suggestions than that. Get off DCUM and look for a marriage counselor.

Joint counseling isn't going to happen anytime soon, if ever. He has some verbal abuse issues that he's dealing with and it's almost always a very bad idea to do joint counseling before that's resolved, according to experts. We've been to counseling together before and it was a disaster.

Not sure why the poster above had to be so annoying.

OP, my DH is an insulin-dependent diabetic so i have a sense of what you're dealing with. I wonder if part of this is your DH's underlying anger about his own limitations and the burden of constantly restricting and monitoring food. Maybe this is a way of rebelling against the diabetes - by refusing to acknowledge it. I would suggest that, in future conversations, maybe you could focus on how the improved diet will help DD improve in the sport she has chosen. Accentuate the non-health related positives since he has already shown he isn't very swayed by the health arguments.

Just a thought. Sorry you're dealing with this. My DH is also such a control freak, I know what it can be like.

Anonymous wrote:The sports has been an ongoing thing. I have signed her up for several sports in the last 2 years. She finished all of them, but she didn't care to continue any. We recently found the sport she loves and she's doing it. I signed her up for 2 classes a week and she's adding daily exercise so she can build the little bit of muscle she needs to do well.

I have been asking for him to change his habits or to let me take over the shopping responsibility or for several years. Trying to get anything away from someone with serious control issues is very difficult and the entire house has to deal with the fallout. He was angry that I did the shopping yesterday, but hasn't said anything about it after storming out.

I precooked and preportioned meals for most days this week. I cut up the fruits that can be precut and portioned them in individual servings. I'd love to be there to monitor snacks and cook dinner every night of the week, but it isn't possible. I'm doing what I can do on the weekends. I've been feeding her breakfast and packing her lunch with her every morning since the fall. It's snacks, dinner and desserts that are a ridiculous amount of empty calories.

Her and I talked about it yesterday. I told her I would be doing the shopping because I want her to have healthy foods. We discussed the things she eats that I won't be buying and what we're going to replace it with. She seemed relieved when I told her eating more whole foods and less junk will improve her energy level. I did not bring up weight. My mother was a freak about weight when I was young and it was awful. We're focusing on eating and exercising so she has the strength and energy to do the things she wants to do.

I am worried about him trying to sabotage these efforts with Dairy Queen runs and other bullshit. I'll figure out how to deal with that. I'd be thrilled to hear suggestions if anyone has some.

Thanks, everyone.

OP, you were given plenty of suggestions for this on the first page. Let me summarize: get into marriage counseling or you could decide that you've had enough of his passive aggressive behavior and leave. This is a HUGE problem between you and your husband around communication, control and how you need to be on the same page with raising your daughter in a healthy way. There really aren't any other suggestions than that. Get off DCUM and look for a marriage counselor.

The sports has been an ongoing thing. I have signed her up for several sports in the last 2 years. She finished all of them, but she didn't care to continue any. We recently found the sport she loves and she's doing it. I signed her up for 2 classes a week and she's adding daily exercise so she can build the little bit of muscle she needs to do well.

I have been asking for him to change his habits or to let me take over the shopping responsibility or for several years. Trying to get anything away from someone with serious control issues is very difficult and the entire house has to deal with the fallout. He was angry that I did the shopping yesterday, but hasn't said anything about it after storming out.

I precooked and preportioned meals for most days this week. I cut up the fruits that can be precut and portioned them in individual servings. I'd love to be there to monitor snacks and cook dinner every night of the week, but it isn't possible. I'm doing what I can do on the weekends. I've been feeding her breakfast and packing her lunch with her every morning since the fall. It's snacks, dinner and desserts that are a ridiculous amount of empty calories.

Her and I talked about it yesterday. I told her I would be doing the shopping because I want her to have healthy foods. We discussed the things she eats that I won't be buying and what we're going to replace it with. She seemed relieved when I told her eating more whole foods and less junk will improve her energy level. I did not bring up weight. My mother was a freak about weight when I was young and it was awful. We're focusing on eating and exercising so she has the strength and energy to do the things she wants to do.

I am worried about him trying to sabotage these efforts with Dairy Queen runs and other bullshit. I'll figure out how to deal with that. I'd be thrilled to hear suggestions if anyone has some.

Thanks, everyone.

Anonymous wrote:Do you really have that much lack of control over what your child eats OP? If so, that is too bad.

I suggest you be more proactive in either doing the grocery shopping yourself or at least going w/your husband to the supermarket whenever he goes.

If neither is a viable option, then hopefully you have some control in the home.

Try to be around when your daughter eats.
Cook healthy meals and make trying new foods fun.
Try out new recipes together and make your cooking time a bonding experience.

Also, talk to your husband and drill into him that the fact that your daughter is getting so big is not just "baby fat." Nor is it just vanity.

Being overweight has a lot of health risks and let him know about them.

I am sure he loves her just as much as you do and wants her around just as long as you do.

Good luck.

I work late 3 nights a week. We stagger our work schedules.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You guys are right. I went out and bought $150 of fresh food and am cooking now. I'll portion it out before refrigerating it.

He stormed out when I told him I took care of shopping and he needs to pay the sitter (half of what I spent on food). If he doesn't like it, he can suck it. I didn't actually say that last part, but it's my new motto. I owe my kid better than what she's getting now.

Thank you, everyone. I was so frustrated, but you are all right.

Why didn't you just go grocery shopping while he was spending time with your kid? spending 75 on a sitter seems passive aggressive.

She's almost 12. We can leave her home alone if she doesn't want to go somewhere like the grocery store. The sitter is for afterschool care when we're at work.

Do you really have that much lack of control over what your child eats OP? If so, that is too bad.

I suggest you be more proactive in either doing the grocery shopping yourself or at least going w/your husband to the supermarket whenever he goes.

If neither is a viable option, then hopefully you have some control in the home.

Try to be around when your daughter eats.
Cook healthy meals and make trying new foods fun.
Try out new recipes together and make your cooking time a bonding experience.

Also, talk to your husband and drill into him that the fact that your daughter is getting so big is not just "baby fat." Nor is it just vanity.

Being overweight has a lot of health risks and let him know about them.

I am sure he loves her just as much as you do and wants her around just as long as you do.

Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:You guys are right. I went out and bought $150 of fresh food and am cooking now. I'll portion it out before refrigerating it.

He stormed out when I told him I took care of shopping and he needs to pay the sitter (half of what I spent on food). If he doesn't like it, he can suck it. I didn't actually say that last part, but it's my new motto. I owe my kid better than what she's getting now.

Thank you, everyone. I was so frustrated, but you are all right.

You spent $75 on a babysitter for a 12 yr old while you went grocery shopping? Why didn't you bring her with you? How did it take you hours and hours to shop? Or do you just use the best paid sitter in the DC area? I would be furious if I was your husband. It sounds like you two need to work through some other things too.

OP I was a chunky pre-teen and teen and I ate pretty well! Just too much of good and bad stuff and I didn't exercise.

When I went to college I was forced to exercise (walk) more and I also ate less because I wasn't at home with great food. I realize that's the opposite of most kids, but it straightened me out real quick. I only wish I'd lost the extra pounds sooner.

My advice to you is to begin making sure you have healthy foods AND portion control happening in your house. You can eat all the salads and grains and yogurt you want, but if you eat 3000 calories of salads and grains and yogurt a day, you're gonna gain weight. Encouraging her to snack on things like popcorn, fresh veggies and fruit, and drink things like water or propel or hell, even diet coke, will be a huge step in the cutting calories direction.

As for exercise, I don't know how your relationship is with her, but you should start taking nightly walks with her for about 45 minutes. In the colder months, join a gym or take a class with her. She's young enough to do this with you. Use the time to strengthen your bond, plan activities to do together, talk, and even go out for ice cream every few weeks afterward.

It's not terribly difficult to lose weight. You just have to stick to mostly good habits and she's young enough she can turn this around early. If she's not fully grown and starts improving her habits she might luck out with a height increase and slim down even more quickly. And I'm sure you're not aiming for a size 4, but rather, aim for a BMI of 21-23.

She's sensitive, so be sure to be positive and share stories of similar situations. Embellish your own chubbiness. Tell her this is common. Tell her you want to spend time with her and since her dad has issues you want to make sure she fends those off. Make it less about her and more about health and your love for her. AND NOT ABOUT BOYS!

Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your dd genuinely wants to lose weight -- if -- you have to do more than just offer healthy foods. Cooking should be tailored to weight loss.

She's 12. Cross-country season is in the fall. At her age, most cross country teams are open. There is no cut. Tell her that she is going out for cross country in the fall, because you are worried about her health and her weight and she needs to learn to exercise.

You can start a run-walk program with her as a mom/daughter activity in the summer to get ready for cross country in the fall.

Um, NO. ABSOLUTELY not. My mom used to make me run because I was fat and it took me years to enjoy exercise.

Go out for a walk with her because all kids need to be active, not because she is overweight. And the kid deserves to enjoy sports, not be forced into something.

Oh, yes. ABSOLUTELY. This isn't about her being fat. It's about her not getting diabetes.

Every kid, regardless of genetic risk, needs to learn a sport for life, but it's especially important for kids with a family history of diabetes. They need to learn to exercise whether they like it or not. Kids can chose a sport or activity that they enjoy or they can run. I'd be completely willing to give her the choice of Zumba or soccer or dance class or cycling or yoga or swim team 3X per week over cross-country, but if she won't choose and she were my kid, she'd be doing cross-country.

Exercise is as important as doing math homework, especially for a kid that has a strong family tendency to diabetes My family has a huge history of diabetes. My dad was dead of a heart attack by 55. My mother died of a stroke at 57. My grandmother had a stroke at 66 that left her severely disabled until she died at 75. They had to amputate both of her feet. Diabetes isn't something to mess around with. We keep a very regular exercise schedule for everyone at our house. Walking is a good start, but it's not enough, especially if the kid won't or can't control her diet.

I agree with the first quoted PP. Trying to force her to join cross country (where she will probably be extremely insecure) is a horrible idea.

Is he perhaps using treats for her as bribes op?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your dd genuinely wants to lose weight -- if -- you have to do more than just offer healthy foods. Cooking should be tailored to weight loss.

She's 12. Cross-country season is in the fall. At her age, most cross country teams are open. There is no cut. Tell her that she is going out for cross country in the fall, because you are worried about her health and her weight and she needs to learn to exercise.

You can start a run-walk program with her as a mom/daughter activity in the summer to get ready for cross country in the fall.

Um, NO. ABSOLUTELY not. My mom used to make me run because I was fat and it took me years to enjoy exercise.

Go out for a walk with her because all kids need to be active, not because she is overweight. And the kid deserves to enjoy sports, not be forced into something.

Oh, yes. ABSOLUTELY. This isn't about her being fat. It's about her not getting diabetes.

Every kid, regardless of genetic risk, needs to learn a sport for life, but it's especially important for kids with a family history of diabetes. They need to learn to exercise whether they like it or not. Kids can chose a sport or activity that they enjoy or they can run. I'd be completely willing to give her the choice of Zumba or soccer or dance class or cycling or yoga or swim team 3X per week over cross-country, but if she won't choose and she were my kid, she'd be doing cross-country.

Exercise is as important as doing math homework, especially for a kid that has a strong family tendency to diabetes My family has a huge history of diabetes. My dad was dead of a heart attack by 55. My mother died of a stroke at 57. My grandmother had a stroke at 66 that left her severely disabled until she died at 75. They had to amputate both of her feet. Diabetes isn't something to mess around with. We keep a very regular exercise schedule for everyone at our house. Walking is a good start, but it's not enough, especially if the kid won't or can't control her diet.

Anonymous wrote:You guys are right. I went out and bought $150 of fresh food and am cooking now. I'll portion it out before refrigerating it.

He stormed out when I told him I took care of shopping and he needs to pay the sitter (half of what I spent on food). If he doesn't like it, he can suck it. I didn't actually say that last part, but it's my new motto. I owe my kid better than what she's getting now.

Thank you, everyone. I was so frustrated, but you are all right.

Good for you for stepping up. And keep up the good work!