Anonymous
Post 04/21/2014 13:15     Subject: Don't eat that
Anonymous wrote:Um did you help make any of this food or get anything ready for Easter? It sounds like all you did was ate the food and then fell asleep when it was time to cleanup. I wouldn't want to be married to you either.


Sounds like you didn't read the entire post. He said his wife routinely doesn't make enough food for the entire family so he has to eat leftovers from the night before. Could he make dinner? Sure. But if she's the one making dinner, it is a basic expectation that there be enough for the whole family. Sounds like his wife is a controlling hag who won't let him in the kitchen because he'd surely do it wrong so he gives her a wide berth. He's treated like a red-headed stepchild and has third-class status in his own home.

My suggestion- start making dinners yourself. Not enough lamb chops? Screw the leftovers, make yourself a meal or head out the door for take-out. I wouldn't put up with that shit, especially if my paycheck was paying for part or all of it.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2014 12:54     Subject: Don't eat that
Um did you help make any of this food or get anything ready for Easter? It sounds like all you did was ate the food and then fell asleep when it was time to cleanup. I wouldn't want to be married to you either.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2014 11:24     Subject: Re:Don't eat that
Both my husband and I will let our kids have their choice of food when we are eating leftovers or there is only a small portion of something. But guess what, our kids ask if we want some or if we're sure they can have it or they'll give it back to us. We're generous with them and they are generous with us. No one is "king of the castle." This is 2014 and we both make the same amount of money and both have the same "power" in our house and are both equally respected. It's a democracy and there are no kings.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2014 11:05     Subject: Don't eat that
It's wrong that you're asked to eat leftovers, prioritize your use of the house as secondary to the kids. That's wrong and you both should address that properly.

From your description, sounds like your wife did Easter all on her own, right? Probably cleaned, decorated the house, spent the whole day cooking, then spent the whole evening cleaning while you took a nap? That's not right either and the fact that you thanked her doesn't substitute for doing the work with her. So, she probably was at the end of her rope when she snapped at you about which pie to eat. I'd look at this episode in context - yes, there's a pattern here on her part, but perhaps there's also a pattern here on your part. Both issues need to be addressed IMO.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2014 10:54     Subject: Don't eat that
Yeah…I dated someone I considered to be a very decent guy in grad school but he came from a family dynamic straight out of the 50's, and the way those boys treated that mom was painful. Dad ignored her, older brother was constantly irritated with her, and my ex-BF…I'd like to say he was the nicest but I'm biased. I chose not to marry him for a few reasons, but the discomfort his family dynamic caused me was one of them. Just saying, parents really do shape their kids ideas of gender and parenting roles by their own behavior.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2014 08:59     Subject: Don't eat that
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What struck out to me was that you said your children who are teens are bratty another word for disrespectful when wife is around. Red flag in my books. Grown children (I do consider teens grown) are far too intelligent to let 'mom' persuade them do be ride to dad. Kids are perceptive. They see things as they are. They see your nuances, and issues and what you being to the family, they do see the bigger picture. They do see how their mom is being respected. They do not disrespect one parent bc moms trained them to be that way. I'm not buying that,

I grew up In a home where my father had issues. Mom tried her best to teach us to respect dad and value all he does for our family. As early as I can remember, despite my mom never uttering a negative word about him, my three siblings and I were on the same page with him and respected him less. Nothing my mom could have said or done to change that, we have eyes.

I bet you have a lot of issues. I bet you bring as much negative energy to the plate. Marriage isn't easy. Evaluate yourself. Kids don't disrespect their fathers just bc mom throws herself a pity party. Not buying that.


I am agreeing with this poster. Another thing that jumped out at me is that you automatically think you are entitled to the leftovers just bc of. . . .what? You got there first? You are the husband? You want them? Well, you are part of a family, not a singular agent, so I say no one gets to gobble up all of something, no matter who they are in the family. In our family, we consider everyone's feelings and preferences, so if others would also appreciate the leftover pumpkin pie or whatever it is, then take that into account and don't be a sneaky pig and just wander in there and gobble up all of it. I really do not see your problem here. Your wife, who I'd say is trying trying to keep peace in the household and manage everyone's feelings, offers you a dessert, and you post about it on an online forum saying YOU feel disrespected and not listened to? I feel sorry for HER. Get her on here. .


I disagree strongly. I'm sure they both have behaviors that contribute to the dynamic, but children most certainly learn how to treat a parent based on how everyone else in the family treats that person.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2014 00:50     Subject: Don't eat that
Anonymous wrote:We sometimes have this issue in our marriage bc, I swear, my Dad was totally the leftover guy. He would always eat leftovers whe he got home from work if he was hungry, say, before he went outside to mow the lawn. I really am being honest when I say that I am stunned if my DH will not eat leftovers. I kind of subconsciously feel that is what dads do and, if not, they are being babyish and/or non-husbandry/fatherly.


I guess we all have our baggage. Some stranger than others.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2014 00:25     Subject: Don't eat that
Anonymous wrote:Maybe she needs some help learning how to shop for a family. Why wouldn't she KNOW how many lamb chops to buy for however many people are in it?

How often does SHE eat the leftovers so you and the kids can eat the lamb chops?

You should not be a second-hand citizen in your family.


I do not think Ds is asking him to do anything she is not asking the other family members to do, which is, consider others' preferences before eating something. This does. Of mean he is a "2nd class citizen". This seems a little melodramatic.

One question, op: how many siblings did you have while growing up and how many did she have? Did she have more? Was she an older sibling and you middle or younger?
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2014 00:19     Subject: Don't eat that
Maybe she needs some help learning how to shop for a family. Why wouldn't she KNOW how many lamb chops to buy for however many people are in it?

How often does SHE eat the leftovers so you and the kids can eat the lamb chops?

You should not be a second-hand citizen in your family.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2014 00:18     Subject: Don't eat that
We sometimes have this issue in our marriage bc, I swear, my Dad was totally the leftover guy. He would always eat leftovers whe he got home from work if he was hungry, say, before he went outside to mow the lawn. I really am being honest when I say that I am stunned if my DH will not eat leftovers. I kind of subconsciously feel that is what dads do and, if not, they are being babyish and/or non-husbandry/fatherly.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2014 00:11     Subject: Don't eat that
Anonymous wrote:What struck out to me was that you said your children who are teens are bratty another word for disrespectful when wife is around. Red flag in my books. Grown children (I do consider teens grown) are far too intelligent to let 'mom' persuade them do be ride to dad. Kids are perceptive. They see things as they are. They see your nuances, and issues and what you being to the family, they do see the bigger picture. They do see how their mom is being respected. They do not disrespect one parent bc moms trained them to be that way. I'm not buying that,

I grew up In a home where my father had issues. Mom tried her best to teach us to respect dad and value all he does for our family. As early as I can remember, despite my mom never uttering a negative word about him, my three siblings and I were on the same page with him and respected him less. Nothing my mom could have said or done to change that, we have eyes.

I bet you have a lot of issues. I bet you bring as much negative energy to the plate. Marriage isn't easy. Evaluate yourself. Kids don't disrespect their fathers just bc mom throws herself a pity party. Not buying that.


I am agreeing with this poster. Another thing that jumped out at me is that you automatically think you are entitled to the leftovers just bc of. . . .what? You got there first? You are the husband? You want them? Well, you are part of a family, not a singular agent, so I say no one gets to gobble up all of something, no matter who they are in the family. In our family, we consider everyone's feelings and preferences, so if others would also appreciate the leftover pumpkin pie or whatever it is, then take that into account and don't be a sneaky pig and just wander in there and gobble up all of it. I really do not see your problem here. Your wife, who I'd say is trying trying to keep peace in the household and manage everyone's feelings, offers you a dessert, and you post about it on an online forum saying YOU feel disrespected and not listened to? I feel sorry for HER. Get her on here. .
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2014 00:05     Subject: Don't eat that
Anonymous wrote:What struck out to me was that you said your children who are teens are bratty another word for disrespectful when wife is around. Red flag in my books. Grown children (I do consider teens grown) are far too intelligent to let 'mom' persuade them do be ride to dad. Kids are perceptive. They see things as they are. They see your nuances, and issues and what you being to the family, they do see the bigger picture. They do see how their mom is being respected. They do not disrespect one parent bc moms trained them to be that way. I'm not buying that,

I grew up In a home where my father had issues. Mom tried her best to teach us to respect dad and value all he does for our family. As early as I can remember, despite my mom never uttering a negative word about him, my three siblings and I were on the same page with him and respected him less. Nothing my mom could have said or done to change that, we have eyes.

I bet you have a lot of issues. I bet you bring as much negative energy to the plate. Marriage isn't easy. Evaluate yourself. Kids don't disrespect their fathers just bc mom throws herself a pity party. Not buying that.


ABSOLUTELY how one parent treats another rubs off on the kids. It is very noticeable between mothers and sons and how dad treats mom. Not sure why you think this does not happen to dads.
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2014 23:56     Subject: Don't eat that
What struck out to me was that you said your children who are teens are bratty another word for disrespectful when wife is around. Red flag in my books. Grown children (I do consider teens grown) are far too intelligent to let 'mom' persuade them do be ride to dad. Kids are perceptive. They see things as they are. They see your nuances, and issues and what you being to the family, they do see the bigger picture. They do see how their mom is being respected. They do not disrespect one parent bc moms trained them to be that way. I'm not buying that,

I grew up In a home where my father had issues. Mom tried her best to teach us to respect dad and value all he does for our family. As early as I can remember, despite my mom never uttering a negative word about him, my three siblings and I were on the same page with him and respected him less. Nothing my mom could have said or done to change that, we have eyes.

I bet you have a lot of issues. I bet you bring as much negative energy to the plate. Marriage isn't easy. Evaluate yourself. Kids don't disrespect their fathers just bc mom throws herself a pity party. Not buying that.
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2014 23:19     Subject: Don't eat that
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your DW has it backwards. In our home, DH gets first dibs, the best cut of meat, the largest portion, the best seat in the house, etc. We treat him like the king of his castle and in return he treats me like a queen. I know, gag, but it's true.


Are you married to Fred Flintstone?

OP, I agree with others about counseling. The resentments have built up and there's been no release valve to let them go. It's not healthy for either of you or setting a good example for your kids. You may want to try date nights and get re-acquainted with each other.


Shrug, our relationship is like that and we are very contemporary. I personally get a lot of happiness by making my DH feel like the man. We are both happy and going on 15 years.
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2014 22:33     Subject: Don't eat that
Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your DW has it backwards. In our home, DH gets first dibs, the best cut of meat, the largest portion, the best seat in the house, etc. We treat him like the king of his castle and in return he treats me like a queen. I know, gag, but it's true.


Are you married to Fred Flintstone?

OP, I agree with others about counseling. The resentments have built up and there's been no release valve to let them go. It's not healthy for either of you or setting a good example for your kids. You may want to try date nights and get re-acquainted with each other.