Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have friends who are quite clearly taking advantage of their parents and in laws. It's upsetting.

That's an interesting statement.

If the parents or in-laws do not mind, why are you upset? Maybe they are very happy that they are getting to spend time with their grandkids or maybe they are happy to be helping their kids? Or, are you upset that you do not have a similar setup?

In one instance, the grandmother is living frugally in retirement while her son (who can now bank his wife's entire salary thanks to her help) is spending money on huge needless purchases. In the other case, it just seems very taxing and stressful for the grandmother. It's hard to watch.

I have a friend like this. She is totally taking advantage of her mom, but the mom allows it. The mom was caring for her dying, invalid MIL (bc her DH, my friend's dad) basically made her and then once my friend had a baby, she took care of the baby, because that was a better situation for her than wiping the mean MIL's behind.

My friend is a brat and abuses the mom. For example, she will meet up for happy hours often after work, instead of going home to relieve her mom of the kids and I will be there as she calls the mom and LIES to say, I'm stuck at work, in traffic, on a conference call, etc. She will often stay out until 7:30, when her work day pretty regularly ends at 5pm. I think it is pretty shitty. She couldn't do that with a paid caregiver. Because she has no childcare expenses, she also spends lavishly clothes, travel, home remodeling, etc. this woman is also one of those moms who is always "soooo tired" and always "needs me time" or a girls weekend or girls night because she is just so overwhelmed with work and being a mom. It is laughable because her mom is raising her kids while she and her DH party.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man, lady, live in the moment. Are you seriously stressing about this already?? I can't fathom being concerned enough about an issue that is years away from even being possible, no less a reality. Very concerning.

Exactly!

OP, newsflash, either you or your child can be killed in a car accident tomorrow, and then day care for your "grandchildren" would not be an issue altogether. Not that I wish this scenario on you, but it doesn't hurt to be aware of it, nonetheless.

How the hell does that thought help anyone with anything, other than as a reminder to use seatbelts and carseats?

It's a reminder not to waste time fretting about things that you have no control over, that aren't likely to happen. Less tragically, her kid might decide she has no interest in having kids.

More to the point, the vast majority of my friends live in different parts of the country than their parents. I only have 1 friend whose mom watches her kid-and that's definitely her mom's choice.

How ironic, since your child's ability to survive a crash is one of the few things in life you definitely do have control over (by installing carseats correctly).

This is common in Asian cultures. Children are expected to take care of their parents (i.e the grandparents) and not put them in a nursing home, so the grandparents move in with the family, and then providing child card is part of the agreement.

I even know one family where during their renovation, they had part of the house built specificlaly for grandparents -- special bathroom for elderly, no-step entrance, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP You are a very self-centered person. When I retire I want to babysit my grandkids (hopefully I will be lucky enough to have them). I really don't understand the entitlement attitude..I am retired and have by default no obligations but I'd rather do my own thing then help my kids and get to know my grandkids. I'm in my 40's now and work 50 hours a week at a job to provide for my kids. Maybe the ire I have is that you remind me of my very sucky parents.

Oh give me a break. I'm the PP who said I'd love to watch my grandchildren, but that's because it's something I think I'd truly enjoy. There's absolutely nothing wrong with someone deciding what kind of relationship is best for them and their grandchildren, and what kind of retirement they want. My own mother is a fantastic grandmother. She's got a rich retired life full of interesting things, like volunteering with her church, working on political campaigns, taking college classes, and traveling the world. She's a wonderful role model for my kid and can teach him all sorts of interesting things, but there's no way she'd want to take on the task of watching her DGS full time, nor should she have to. She's earned the right to do as she pleases.

+1 OP, is self centered because she doesn't want to care for future grand kids probably 30+ hours a week? Go fuck yourself. Grandparents have a right to enjoy and live their lives the way they want to. They have no financial or any other obligation to grand kids at all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have friends who are quite clearly taking advantage of their parents and in laws. It's upsetting.

That's an interesting statement.

If the parents or in-laws do not mind, why are you upset? Maybe they are very happy that they are getting to spend time with their grandkids or maybe they are happy to be helping their kids? Or, are you upset that you do not have a similar setup?

In one instance, the grandmother is living frugally in retirement while her son (who can now bank his wife's entire salary thanks to her help) is spending money on huge needless purchases. In the other case, it just seems very taxing and stressful for the grandmother. It's hard to watch.

I am sorry but you are making value judgement based on your own feelings and not the tales of woe these people have shared with you. Who are you to think how someone should conduct their personal life when you are not being impacted by it.

You are the authority on what is huge needless purchase? You are feeling bad that they can bank one person's salary? If you can't bear to watch them feel free to give the grandparent monetary gifts. Get a life, you seem envious and petty to me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We haven't had this conversation with my 4yr old yet, but she's already asked her father to be her groom and me to be her flower girl, and she's informed us that her life goal is to be a mommy, so I figure we're just a few weeks away from talking about childcare arrangements.

My 5 year old gave me a kiss and declared us married, so I'm already way ahead of you! Damn, we're all screwed that we haven't figured this out yet.

LOL, can I just say I love the kid version of marriage. Everybody's getting married all the time in my house. The best was when mermaid Ariel, girl Ariel (i.e. with legs) and Prince Eric (all Duplos) all got married in an elaborate setup with the duplo farm hands in attendance.

OP again. You guys are funny.

Anonymous wrote:We haven't had this conversation with my 4yr old yet, but she's already asked her father to be her groom and me to be her flower girl, and she's informed us that her life goal is to be a mommy, so I figure we're just a few weeks away from talking about childcare arrangements.

My 5 year old gave me a kiss and declared us married, so I'm already way ahead of you! Damn, we're all screwed that we haven't figured this out yet.

We haven't had this conversation with my 4yr old yet, but she's already asked her father to be her groom and me to be her flower girl, and she's informed us that her life goal is to be a mommy, so I figure we're just a few weeks away from talking about childcare arrangements.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. As I said earlier, it was something that crossed my mind.

I absolutely want to be part of my grandkids' lives deeply, but I don't want to be the full-time care for 3-5 years, and part-time after that. But if my kids NEED me to be that care for GC's then I will help however I can.

Just not my hoped-for situation.

That may sound heartless and it really is putting the cart before the horse, as my OP opened. Don't we all put ourselves in imagined scenarios from time to time and wonder how we'd feel?

So don't. Just talk to your school-aged children at this point in their lives and point this all out to them. I'm sure they'll think it's a very timely and relevant conversation to have at this stage in everyone's lives. In fact, I think I'll talk to my 5-year-old about this exact thing tonight. You've reminded me that I'm probably too late already. She's probably made all of these assumptions already about how involved I'll be. I better nip that in the bud now...

LOL, my 5 year old was definitely setting expectations for how involved I'd be. He told me that he wanted me to be his college roommate and that afterwards we'd live together in a big house with a bunch of German Shepherd Dogs, a monitor lizard, and some ferrets but no babies to compete for my attention.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. As I said earlier, it was something that crossed my mind.

I absolutely want to be part of my grandkids' lives deeply, but I don't want to be the full-time care for 3-5 years, and part-time after that. But if my kids NEED me to be that care for GC's then I will help however I can.

Just not my hoped-for situation.

That may sound heartless and it really is putting the cart before the horse, as my OP opened. Don't we all put ourselves in imagined scenarios from time to time and wonder how we'd feel?

So don't. Just talk to your school-aged children at this point in their lives and point this all out to them. I'm sure they'll think it's a very timely and relevant conversation to have at this stage in everyone's lives. In fact, I think I'll talk to my 5-year-old about this exact thing tonight. You've reminded me that I'm probably too late already. She's probably made all of these assumptions already about how involved I'll be. I better nip that in the bud now...

I absolutely want to be part of my grandkids' lives deeply, but I don't want to be the full-time care for 3-5 years, and part-time after that. But if my kids NEED me to be that care for GC's then I will help however I can.

Well, then don't do it if your child/grandchild doesn't need you to. Easy as that. I mean, it seems an odd thing to worry about.

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised by this. I don't have grandkids, but I think it would be awesome. I didn't get to be a SAHM but would love to have the chance to help raise kids when I'm older.

Having been a SAHM, I know how much work it would be so I wouldn't do it.
You have rose colored glasses on.

I'm surprised by this. I don't have grandkids, but I think it would be awesome. I didn't get to be a SAHM but would love to have the chance to help raise kids when I'm older.