Both my parents and my DH's parents are divorced and both our fathers are remarried, so my kids have a total of two grandfathers and four grandmothers. They go by "Grandpa/Grandma Firstname" except for my mother-in-law who feels 65 is too young to be called Grandma (eye roll). The main deciding factor was how they treated our kids -- my father's wife showed much more interest in being a grandparent and engaging with our kids than my father ever did, and I truly value her as a member of our family. The only awkwardness was with my mother -- even though my father remarried 30 years after they divorced, I was worried that she would feel that by recognizing my father's wife as a "Grandma", we were somehow diminishing her role. Mom's response: Of course you should call her grandma -- why wouldn't you give your kids another loving grandparent? That's why I love my mom - she's awesome.

Anonymous wrote:Wasn't there an Alcoholic-Boyfriend-of-MIL-Liver-Transplant thread a while back? Was that you, OP?

Anyway, my mom's Significant other of 15 years (my dad passed away 5 years before that), is still "Bob" to my kids. There was a moment when one of my kids said "GrandBob" but that didn't stick. He is mostly annoying to me, DH, my brother and SIL but generally nice to the kids and is a CONSTANT presence in my mother's life, so he is around a lot.

The kids (my brother's kids too) all know very well that Bob is not our father and therefore not their grandfather but they see him (rightly) as grandma's significant other and his role is grandfather-ish.

He never had kids so is not particularly paternal or grandfatherly but he tries, I guess.

Also, MIL's husband was called "Papa Jack" by our kids before he died, but that name was given to him by our oldest when she was just starting to talk, so it was very sweet and he was a very sweet man.

We have a similar situation. I'm divorced and remarried, so my kid has my parents, XH's parents and DH's parents (who are divorced and remarried) to deal with.

My parents are Grandma and Grandpa.
XH's parents are MeeMaw and Pops.
DH's mom and her DH are Gran and Tony.
DH's dad and his wife are Joe and Ella.

The grandparents with grandparent-y names are the ones who engage and have that kind of a relationship with my kid (only grandchild for all 4 sets). Tony never had kids and married MIL when DH and siblings were adults, but he tries with DC, he may end up with a grandparent name at some point. DH's dad and new wife aren't interested in being grandparents, esp to a stepkid (or really being a dad and stepmom to DH either), so they'll stay with first names and we'll likely tack on a Grandpa/Grandma when we have more bio-kids.

I also grew up with a grandmother who was remarried. She was Nana, he was George. He was a creepy guy though, we didn't see him much.

I think that calling him John is probably the healthiest thing for your family right now, considering the past.

However, OP, you do seem to be considering that he might be changing his old ways in light of his transplant and other losses. I think that is healthy, too. Anyone can change and I tend to think almost everyone deserves a second chance to become a better person and be seen as the better person they trying to become, if that makes sense.

I think, OP, if you can stay open to his positive changes maybe, should your kids choose it and John chooses it, he may become Grandpa as he succeeds in changing into a better, healthier person in the future.

If he doesn't change or the change doesn't stick, the relationship will answer the question of what he will be called.

I think it's your husband's call and judging by the relationship, it sounds like it's best for the kids to call him John.

My mom has been dating a guy for about 8 years, they plan to marry at some point but haven't gotten around to it yet. He loves my son and is involved in his life. My son adores him too and so far has decided on his own to call him grandpa (technically, the word he made up for grandma that he also calls my dad and FIL). That is fine with me. I call him grandpa first name to my son.

Anonymous wrote:Wasn't there an Alcoholic-Boyfriend-of-MIL-Liver-Transplant thread a while back? Was that you, OP?

Anyway, my mom's Significant other of 15 years (my dad passed away 5 years before that), is still "Bob" to my kids. There was a moment when one of my kids said "GrandBob" but that didn't stick. He is mostly annoying to me, DH, my brother and SIL but generally nice to the kids and is a CONSTANT presence in my mother's life, so he is around a lot.

The kids (my brother's kids too) all know very well that Bob is not our father and therefore not their grandfather but they see him (rightly) as grandma's significant other and his role is grandfather-ish.

He never had kids so is not particularly paternal or grandfatherly but he tries, I guess.

Also, MIL's husband was called "Papa Jack" by our kids before he died, but that name was given to him by our oldest when she was just starting to talk, so it was very sweet and he was a very sweet man.

We are kind of like this but my mom's partner of 30 years engages significantly with the kids. They call him by his first name. When asked by a friend at a birthday party who he was, my older daughter said "oh, he is my pretend grandp

Wasn't there an Alcoholic-Boyfriend-of-MIL-Liver-Transplant thread a while back? Was that you, OP?

Anyway, my mom's Significant other of 15 years (my dad passed away 5 years before that), is still "Bob" to my kids. There was a moment when one of my kids said "GrandBob" but that didn't stick. He is mostly annoying to me, DH, my brother and SIL but generally nice to the kids and is a CONSTANT presence in my mother's life, so he is around a lot.

The kids (my brother's kids too) all know very well that Bob is not our father and therefore not their grandfather but they see him (rightly) as grandma's significant other and his role is grandfather-ish.

He never had kids so is not particularly paternal or grandfatherly but he tries, I guess.

Also, MIL's husband was called "Papa Jack" by our kids before he died, but that name was given to him by our oldest when she was just starting to talk, so it was very sweet and he was a very sweet man.

It is up the kids.