Anonymous wrote:DS is an only child. His father and I both have very high IQs, went to ivies, and were pretty successful in school without much effort (lots of academic honors, consistently high test scores, etc.). One of us was also a competitive athlete. DS does not seem to have an aptitude in academics or athletics - nor art, music, etc. He does not stand out at anything. I love him dearly and try really really hard not to let any disappointment show, but I can't understand why he doesn't seem to shine in anything his father or I did, or anything of his own. I admit the academics is the hardest for me to accept. I feel like all of my friends have one child whose strength may be academics, and then their second isn't as bright but is a gifted soccer player for example. So I am very worried that I pin all of my hopes on my one child and he could never live up to it all. I feel awful that I feel this way, and I know I will get flamed, but can anyone offer me some wisdom to help me accept and cherish my child as he is.

I met a friend visiting from Boston on the weekend. She told me that one of our girlfriends' son tried to kill himself in college and had to come home. Another friend's teen completely dropped off the deep end, got F instead of the usual B/C on every subject. Both parents graduated from MIT. The dad got into a physical fight with the son. Social workers were called....

I was obsessing over some issues regarding my son. Our lunch reminded me to keep everything in perspective: as long as he is mentally and physically healthy, and relatively happy, I should be grateful and happy for him.

Teen years are so tumultuous.

OP here. Thanks for the helpful replies and I agree I probably need to talk to a therapist to work through this. My child is not 7 - he is almost 12 - but still very young in the big scheme of life. And while I realize he could be very different some day, I do think you can tell a lot already. I have always been very sharp and driven and I've always been drawn to that same type with regard to my spouse and friends. So it is hard for me to connect with my child or admire him. But I really really do love him and I want to be a better parent to him. This has been the most shameful post I've ever typed.

Anonymous wrote:Did she say he's 7???

SEVEN????

Sigh.

OP, please update us when the child's in middle school at least. He's barely started elementary.

I don't know that OP has come back to answer with her son's age. I think you have misunderstood 20:50 as OP. I didn't read that response as OP.

Anonymous wrote:My traditional Asian upbringing is coming out, but there's nothing wrong with telegraphing to a child that they're not "good enough." It helps them up their game. It obviously doesn't make them more intelligent, but it makes them work that much harder until they get the top grades, awards etc. Asian countries are built on this model. Before you say that those parents don't love their kids -- the view is that it's a tough world out there, if we demand their best and toughen them up, nothing that they face after this will be hard for them.

Yes, we also have really high teen suicide rate. Way to go, tiger mom!

OP, I can identify a little bit...but I just had an opportunity to talk at length with my 26-year-old nephew who has his pick of consulting roles, is tall, strong, handsome, and is engaged to a beautiful and successful woman. Hard to believe he was the kid my sister wrung her hands over all the while he was growing up. You just have no idea what will spark this child, nor when! Please put your anxieties away and just make sure he knows what your child needs to do, then let your child fill in the rest.

Also, DH and I are both ivy league grads and I was an athlete. Our children will be neither. I can't tell you how much fun it is watching them become who they are going to be. Watching them become else would just be sad.

OP, your child already knows he's a disappointment to you and that will increase as he gets older. You really truly need therapy, for your DS' sake.

By the way, none of our children turn out the way we envision. They get to be their own person. if they never figure that out, they never have their own lives.

This makes me so sad for your child. Please seek help

Did she say he's 7???

SEVEN????

Sigh.

OP, please update us when the child's in middle school at least. He's barely started elementary.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My traditional Asian upbringing is coming out, but there's nothing wrong with telegraphing to a child that they're not "good enough." It helps them up their game. It obviously doesn't make them more intelligent, but it makes them work that much harder until they get the top grades, awards etc. Asian countries are built on this model. Before you say that those parents don't love their kids -- the view is that it's a tough world out there, if we demand their best and toughen them up, nothing that they face after this will be hard for them.

Have you heard of Carl Rogers and unconditional positive regard? This is the foundation of therapy: unconditional positive regard. It's what a child needs most from a parent, and the lack of it is a real problem.

Rogers is one therapist who founded one school of therapy. Not all therapies follow this model.

As a trainer of counselors and therapists, I would say that every single model of psychotherapy I've studied or taught in any serious way requires a strong counselor-client relationship, which is typically taught through the Rogerian person-centered therapy framework. Unconditional positive regard is a necessary basis for psychotherapy.

Haven't read all these responses but you need to find some way to check your type A expectations at the door. First of all, I can't believe that you can't find something wonderful about your child. I'm a similar type to you and both my kids are different from me in many respects but I can look at each of them at some moment in every day and think wow, what an amazing kid.

For example, my 4th grader is a solid student but seems to be the only kid in Bethesda who's not gifted or doing compacted math. He's not particularly athletic or interested in sports very much either - all stuff that mattered in the house where I grew up. But he has his own interests, and it's just awesome to watch him pursue them. Right now he's obsessed with Greek mythology from a unit at school. And the best part is that he is so comfortable with who he is - he is genuinely happy and doesn't get bothered about fitting in.

He won't go to an Ivy League school in all likelihood and may never play varsity anything (see, I can't even say never on those, I still hope that he will.) But I'm so thrilled that he is a bright, interested, confident kid - something that he probably didn't get from a neurotic type A mother - and I think that self-confidence will serve him really well in the long run.

Your view of what it means to succeed is far too narrow, OP.

You need to do some research on how B/C students run the world.

http://www.businessinsider.com/lucky-or-smart-bo-peabody-2011-4

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Students-Work-Government-Financial/dp/1469218976

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My traditional Asian upbringing is coming out, but there's nothing wrong with telegraphing to a child that they're not "good enough." It helps them up their game. It obviously doesn't make them more intelligent, but it makes them work that much harder until they get the top grades, awards etc. Asian countries are built on this model. Before you say that those parents don't love their kids -- the view is that it's a tough world out there, if we demand their best and toughen them up, nothing that they face after this will be hard for them.

Have you heard of Carl Rogers and unconditional positive regard? This is the foundation of therapy: unconditional positive regard. It's what a child needs most from a parent, and the lack of it is a real problem.

Rogers is one therapist who founded one school of therapy. Not all therapies follow this model.

Tell us more about your DC. It's too hard to comment without more information.

But do realize that his path to success may not be the same as yours. Also, as someone who was very academically successful, I realized a lot of it came out of being a people pleaser. That hurt me as I grew older and didn't have a strong enough sense of myself and my own goals.

Anonymous wrote:sounds crazy but i use these little tidbits when i need to reinforce my fuzzy feelings for my kids -- talk to them on the phone! (they sound younger and cuter through the phone than in person). sit with them at night on their bed and talk, play cards, backgammon, chess, whatever. (feels cozy and reinforces your feelings without thoughts of 'what they are doing, accomplishing, etc). think of your friends, colleagues, relatives, etc that are VERY SMART but also somewhat neurotic and/or not very happy in life, in general. (i have tons of those in the relatives department). think about the fact that EQ is more predictive of success and happiness that IQ.

good luck OP! i know you're a good mom!

I do these things as well, and it also helps me get closer to my DC. We seem to connect more when we're relaxed, having fun and laughing. He's 7.