Can you set up a custody arrangement in the will, where your parents have DS for the school year and DH's have him for the summer and some holidays? Then you could have one of each set of parents as official guardians, and a financial trustee as the tie-breaker if they disagree about something for your son?

I don't know if it's possible, but that seems like a good compromise.

Although, frankly, I would be reluctant to put anyone's elderly parents in that position. It can be overwhelming to them.

My ex-DH and I can't agree on guardians. Very frustrating.

OP, I know this doesn't help, but your problem is not uncommon. I do wills & trusts for people, many of them feel that they can't come up with a suitable guardian. Not naming anyone and letting the courts decide leaves a very important matter in limbo, which could really add to the trauma to your kids. Also, you should know that the naming of the guardian in your will is a nomination and is not absolutely binding on the court. They will always look to what is in the best interest of the child.

Don't just leave it up to the courts..

In my state, if the parents do not specify a guardian and both die, then the children are automatically sent to foster care while family applies/waits for court approval to care for them.

Even if you have a twin sister who lives with you/your spouse/children (for example!) and helps care for your children, and has lived with you for years, still - if you die without having taken care of this,she will not be their caretaker until the court approves it and the children will be removed and possibly spend a long time, many months in foster care til court works its way through your case. It stinks. (I don't live in the DC area but FWIW this happens to lots of people!)

What are you thinking? Grandparents? So both of you die then new guardians will be grandparents that could die sooner rather than later? Talk about traumatizing your kids.
What if they have dementia and can't care for the kids? Pick someone younger. If you can't decide, the courts will decide for you should it come to that.

Pick a friend and spell out that each set of grandparents get specific time with child on a schedule (just like divorces parents with shared custody). Odd years child goes to your parents for specific holidays and vice versa on even years.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I'm pretty convinced that the younger grandparents (his) would never let my parents see DC again, just for spite.

I don't have any advice about the broader issue, but this one is easy - write your will to ensure that whichever set of grandparents get custody must allow generous access to the the other set.

I don't know about letting the courts decide, won't their dc have to go to foster parents if a decision can't be made? Please clue me in if I am wrong.