Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cut off his access to the money. Divorce him.

OP - we already have separate checkbooks. He doesn't understand the concept of a bank balance not including deductions for checks that did not clear.

My husband is like that too. We have been married 15 years and luckily I discovered that VERY early in our marriage. What it has basically come down to is I handle ALL the money. It's sad really, whenever he wants to buy something, he has to ask me first.

If I were in your shoes, OP I would probably find out exactly how much extra first class was vs. coach vs. driving to the vacation destination (if possible, you don't say where it is so maybe it is overseas or something). Then I would deduct the difference from his spending money. For example, maybe the difference was $500, and he likes to golf. Well, the next time the opportunity for some special golf outing with his buddies comes up, he'll just have to sit it out. And the next one. And however many it takes until he has forfeited at least $500 of fun.

WTF? You would do this to a grown man? A man you thought well-enough of (at one point) to marry?? Shit, that's wrong.

Anonymous wrote:Why aren't you going on vacation with your family? Nobody works as much as you unless they want to. Could that be why you are pissed? I agree with posters who say you set this situation up.

OP - merger & acquisition involvement that I cannot get out of.

You think First Class tickets are expensive? You could rent your own private plane for what divorce will cost you. Think long and hard before pulling the trigger.

Why aren't you going on vacation with your family? Nobody works as much as you unless they want to. Could that be why you are pissed? I agree with posters who say you set this situation up.

I wouldn't divorce over that, but I wouldn't leave stuff like this up to him to do anymore. Let it go this time, and tell him, "Hey, next time you need to book earlier or find a different flight - different airline or different time or different day. That is WAY too much to spend on a flight."

It sounds like you have other issues, OP. I can see that this would be annoying, but it is not something that would push me to divorce.

You seem to want your DH to change, and sorry, OP, but that's not going to happen. I have BTDT, and you can beat your head until it's bloody, but it won't change a damn thing. Threatening divorce won't change him either, it will just make your life living hell, much worse than it is now.

You have to make some changes in yourself, not expect your DH to change, if your marriage is going to work. You need to take charge of all the finances and dole out little bits that your DH can handle, nothing more. You thought he could handle booking a flight, but obviously that wasn't something he could do, so you must lower your expectations, even though it seems nuts that an adult can't manage to book a flight. (I'd kill DH if he booked a first class flight, but he's very good with money, so he never would.)

This is the person you married, and it's up to you to figure out whether this issue is the deal-breaker. If you can no longer stand to be married to a man who is so bad with money, then start divorce proceedings. But keep in mind that since you have a child together, you will be dealing with him and finances for a long time. Just divorcing won't change him and will likely compound your financial headaches.

Try counseling, OP. Your DH may not believe in it, but if you are at the bitter end, then he may agree to try before simply submitting to a divorce.

I also handle bills, credit cards, booking flights etc. DH is nOt good w/$ and is not Mr. Computer and honestly would not ever find a good deal on a flight or anything else. If he's got a nickel in his pocket he's already spent a dime. I had to get it together as far as the finances. He simply doesn't handle things like that well. Agree w/PP's that 15 years in you should be well aware of his abilities to charge up $$..

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Consistent disputes over finances is a serious problem. However, I recommend counseling and an ultimatum - that if he doesn't start to compromise and learn to accommodate your wishes and save more, then separation might be on the table.

OP, I should have mentioned that he thinks marriage counseling is a complete waste of effort.

What if he knew that you were about to consult with an attorney?
Does he not realize how close you are to pulling the plug?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cut off his access to the money. Divorce him.

OP - we already have separate checkbooks. He doesn't understand the concept of a bank balance not including deductions for checks that did not clear.

My husband is like that too. We have been married 15 years and luckily I discovered that VERY early in our marriage. What it has basically come down to is I handle ALL the money. It's sad really, whenever he wants to buy something, he has to ask me first.If I were in your shoes, OP I would probably find out exactly how much extra first class was vs. coach vs. driving to the vacation destination (if possible, you don't say where it is so maybe it is overseas or something). Then I would deduct the difference from his spending money. For example, maybe the difference was $500, and he likes to golf. Well, the next time the opportunity for some special golf outing with his buddies comes up, he'll just have to sit it out. And the next one. And however many it takes until he has forfeited at least $500 of fun.

Not the OP, but curious to know how you reached this point. How did you get your DH on board with it?

Well, for one thing, he is in the military, and frequently has to deploy for months or even up to a year at a time. When we were first married, most bills weren't paid online like I can do now, and paying the bills from a foreign, sometimes remote location was difficult. Therefore, it was just easier for me to handle all the bill paying. And at certain times of our marriage we didn't have a lot of money to spare for fun things--so before we bought fun stuff, we'd have to make sure there was money to pay the electric bill, to put gas in the car, etc. Since I was the one paying the bills, he'd ask me "Do we have enough money this month for me to buy X?" And there were times I'd have to tell him no...and then he'd get mad at me and complain that I was "spending all his money" (yeah, on the electric bill and mortgage! How frivolous of me!).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cut off his access to the money. Divorce him.

OP - we already have separate checkbooks. He doesn't understand the concept of a bank balance not including deductions for checks that did not clear.

My husband is like that too. We have been married 15 years and luckily I discovered that VERY early in our marriage. What it has basically come down to is I handle ALL the money. It's sad really, whenever he wants to buy something, he has to ask me first.If I were in your shoes, OP I would probably find out exactly how much extra first class was vs. coach vs. driving to the vacation destination (if possible, you don't say where it is so maybe it is overseas or something). Then I would deduct the difference from his spending money. For example, maybe the difference was $500, and he likes to golf. Well, the next time the opportunity for some special golf outing with his buddies comes up, he'll just have to sit it out. And the next one. And however many it takes until he has forfeited at least $500 of fun.

Not the OP, but curious to know how you reached this point. How did you get your DH on board with it?

NP here.

I'd be furious too. But both with him and myself because OP, you know he's an idiot with money so agree you set yourself up for this. But of course you have a right to be mad!

Now he is not cheating and you say he's a great dad, so I propose you wait the two years until DD is in college. In the meantime, get your financial stuff together.

I say this because if you think first class tickets are going to cost a lot, the cost of divorce and two households is going to be sky-high. And you are so overworked that you have no time to book flights, this of how overworked you'll be doing this divorce and possibly moving etc. You would be shooting yourself in the foot, OP…calm down and think about it logically.

Now as an aside and as a tangent: I think one of the biggest sexual turn-offs for women is when a man acts like a child. Women are not sexually attracted to children, and when a DH becomes one of their charges, it really messes with the sexual chemistry on the DW's side. So I get it why you want a divorce on a few levels. Also, anything related to security, if a man handles is "very manly." So throwing away money compromises financial security, which is also a turn off.

So anyways, OP--what I'm saying is, just cool out and decide that although you signed up for the marathon, you don't have to complete it--decide you're just going to go for the 2 year neighborhood jog. It will help you relax and not yell so much. (And you can change your mind later if for some reason, he steps up.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've been married for 15 years, and you know he is an idiot with money. Why on earth would you give him the task of booking a vacation??? of course he would mess it up. Duh. Sounds like you love the drama and need something to yell about.

OK, color me a dumbass. I have been traveling and working Mega hours and was hoping a grown man could make an adult decision.

Dumbass is a strong term but you've been married to him for 15 years, he's always been an idiot with money, and you've enabled him to be ignorant of finances. Yet when he has to pull of a vacation purchase and fails, you act surprised. That's where you're being a dumbass too.

He's an old dog. It will take a long time with considerable effort on his part to learn new tricks. But its not really fair for you to expect him to plan a trip and pull it off in spades. You got an expected outcome yet are somehow surprised.

That being said- he sounds like a fucking moron.

Anonymous wrote:I fly first class for anything longer than a shuttle flight. So much more comfortable.

Yes, you're ridiculous to consider divorce because he booked first class tickets.

But I'm assuming you actually have the money to cover the delta in cost.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've been married for 15 years, and you know he is an idiot with money. Why on earth would you give him the task of booking a vacation??? of course he would mess it up. Duh. Sounds like you love the drama and need something to yell about.

OK, color me a dumbass. I have been traveling and working Mega hours and was hoping a grown man could make an adult decision.

Yeah, you are a dumbass because you know who you married, you know what he'll do, yet you keep expecting different results. So either change your expectations or move on. Just stop complaining.

This is great advice. I spent 8 years hoping my spouse would have a higher sex drive, but then I faced reality and started a long term relationship. He never changed but at least my expectations did, and I'm no longer complaining. It's a hard thing to do, though, to face that reality.

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Cut off his access to the money. Divorce him.


OP - we already have separate checkbooks. He doesn't understand the concept of a bank balance not including deductions for checks that did not clear.


My husband is like that too. We have been married 15 years and luckily I discovered that VERY early in our marriage. What it has basically come down to is I handle ALL the money. It's sad really, whenever he wants to buy something, he has to ask me first.

If I were in your shoes, OP I would probably find out exactly how much extra first class was vs. coach vs. driving to the vacation destination (if possible, you don't say where it is so maybe it is overseas or something). Then I would deduct the difference from his spending money. For example, maybe the difference was $500, and he likes to golf. Well, the next time the opportunity for some special golf outing with his buddies comes up, he'll just have to sit it out. And the next one. And however many it takes until he has forfeited at least $500 of fun.

What the fuck? There were no other tickets available for the flight out. It not like he said oh give me first class tickets...it was the only option. You have to book your flight way in advance now days. It sounds like there is a lot more going on here...after 15 years something like this gets worked out and a system is developed to manage the money. OP has framed this in the best light for herself, but if you thing about it, there are a lot of things that do not make sense.