Anonymous
Post 04/02/2014 21:15     Subject: If you are a physician and married to a non-physician....
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm a Peds ICU doc. I take care of your worst nightmare. It's hard to sympathize with DH venting about office stuff when I'm still trying to process caring for the 2 year old that was beaten to death or the 8 year old that last week was fine but now we are taking her off life support.


well, it sounds like you might not be totally 'toughened up' but yes, that is on some absolute objective scale much worse than...

I'm not saying my DH's work stress is any less real but it does lack the horrific impact on human beings that I deal with on a daily basis.


...your husband's office stress. But that's the thing: everything is relative. We don't live in a world where everyone is operation on some global universal scale. Think about how your pts experience pain: are they really all exactly the same? Feelings are even more nebulous. Your husband's stresses are real to him, as real as yours are to you.

Honestly, though, it sounds like you might be losing respect for him and have some contempt for his concerns. At the end of it all, what difference does it make whether his worries are silly and trivial in your view? What are you really being asked to do beyond listen?

Appreciate the armchair psych consult however the day I am so "toughened up" that seeing a child burned alive for crying or beaten to death for soiling his diaper fails to bother me is the day I quit medicine. No idea why you feel I do not respect DH. He actually says my work helps him keep his work in perspective.


Those sorts of horrific deaths can not be a normal part of your every day in the ER. I'm sure that you've seen plenty of horrors and hopeless situations. But you have also saved lives and helped to mitigate the damage done by illness/accident - those very real successes are part of your every day, too. And that is what you have to focus on.

It is also important to realize that your dh deals with stresses and problems all day long, too. Some he can solve, some that can't be solved. His work is different than yours is but it is also important.

Of course I focus on the good stuff but I actually work in the Peds ICU, not the ED so unfortunately, there's always at least 2-3 victims of "non-accidental trauma" in our PICU. With 36 beds and being a primary trauma referral center, we do see the worst of the worst.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2014 20:55     Subject: If you are a physician and married to a non-physician....
Anonymous wrote:Yup! When we got married DH got some virus and was carrying on. Family lore is that I said to him, "Ihf you're sick, go to the clinic! If you wanedt sympathy you should have married a nurse!"
I was a very tired resident so I'm pretty sure I did say this!


What a stupid, insulting, and condescending comment about nurses---yet you seem so tickled with yourself?!
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2014 20:40     Subject: If you are a physician and married to a non-physician....
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm a Peds ICU doc. I take care of your worst nightmare. It's hard to sympathize with DH venting about office stuff when I'm still trying to process caring for the 2 year old that was beaten to death or the 8 year old that last week was fine but now we are taking her off life support.


well, it sounds like you might not be totally 'toughened up' but yes, that is on some absolute objective scale much worse than...

I'm not saying my DH's work stress is any less real but it does lack the horrific impact on human beings that I deal with on a daily basis.


...your husband's office stress. But that's the thing: everything is relative. We don't live in a world where everyone is operation on some global universal scale. Think about how your pts experience pain: are they really all exactly the same? Feelings are even more nebulous. Your husband's stresses are real to him, as real as yours are to you.

Honestly, though, it sounds like you might be losing respect for him and have some contempt for his concerns. At the end of it all, what difference does it make whether his worries are silly and trivial in your view? What are you really being asked to do beyond listen?

Appreciate the armchair psych consult however the day I am so "toughened up" that seeing a child burned alive for crying or beaten to death for soiling his diaper fails to bother me is the day I quit medicine. No idea why you feel I do not respect DH. He actually says my work helps him keep his work in perspective.


Those sorts of horrific deaths can not be a normal part of your every day in the ER. I'm sure that you've seen plenty of horrors and hopeless situations. But you have also saved lives and helped to mitigate the damage done by illness/accident - those very real successes are part of your every day, too. And that is what you have to focus on.

It is also important to realize that your dh deals with stresses and problems all day long, too. Some he can solve, some that can't be solved. His work is different than yours is but it is also important.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2014 19:33     Subject: If you are a physician and married to a non-physician....
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm a Peds ICU doc. I take care of your worst nightmare. It's hard to sympathize with DH venting about office stuff when I'm still trying to process caring for the 2 year old that was beaten to death or the 8 year old that last week was fine but now we are taking her off life support.


well, it sounds like you might not be totally 'toughened up' but yes, that is on some absolute objective scale much worse than...

I'm not saying my DH's work stress is any less real but it does lack the horrific impact on human beings that I deal with on a daily basis.


...your husband's office stress. But that's the thing: everything is relative. We don't live in a world where everyone is operation on some global universal scale. Think about how your pts experience pain: are they really all exactly the same? Feelings are even more nebulous. Your husband's stresses are real to him, as real as yours are to you.

Honestly, though, it sounds like you might be losing respect for him and have some contempt for his concerns. At the end of it all, what difference does it make whether his worries are silly and trivial in your view? What are you really being asked to do beyond listen?

Appreciate the armchair psych consult however the day I am so "toughened up" that seeing a child burned alive for crying or beaten to death for soiling his diaper fails to bother me is the day I quit medicine. No idea why you feel I do not respect DH. He actually says my work helps him keep his work in perspective.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2014 19:17     Subject: If you are a physician and married to a non-physician....
Yup! When we got married DH got some virus and was carrying on. Family lore is that I said to him, "Ihf you're sick, go to the clinic! If you wanedt sympathy you should have married a nurse!"
I was a very tired resident so I'm pretty sure I did say this!
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2014 19:12     Subject: If you are a physician and married to a non-physician....
^My husband isn't a doctor.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2014 18:57     Subject: If you are a physician and married to a non-physician....
I'm a SAHM and my husband doesn't really talk that much "shop" to me. He comes home and there are times that I can tell he has had a rough day but he sort of decompresses , has dinner, talks to the kids about school, sometimes helps with homework, plays with the dogs and just enjoys home time. I used to work so I understand work stress and the need to get away from it. I tell him about the daily aggravations I have had because most of them are home/kid/school/activity related (so they are his direct concerns) and most of them are actually kind of funny. Usually.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2014 18:36     Subject: If you are a physician and married to a non-physician....
I can't see how a dr/non-dr relationship would work if the dr. just necessarily thinks s/he is more stressed, has bigger problems, more successful etc. Sure dr's have a "paved" road once they get out of residency, but I do know dr's who realize that there are LOTS of hard working people out there, professional and non professional, who work very hard to make sure their careers keep moving forward. They aren't judgmental re job loss, lack of promotion etc. because they know enough non-doctors to know how it works in business, law etc.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2014 18:10     Subject: If you are a physician and married to a non-physician....
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Are you unsympathetic to their needs?

I'm a critical care/ICU doctor and sometimes, I can't bear what a big deal my DH makes out of small problems. It drives me bananas. Just want to know if I'm alone.


I am not married to a doctor, but I have many family members who are doctors.

Unlike most women, in the dating world I consider being a doctor a negative. I think becoming a doctor tends to turn MOST people into unsympathetic, arrogant, smug jerks. I might consider people who go into rheumatology, sleep medicine, and other fields like that. But generally, doctors tend to have empathy deficits.

And, since most went straight through school, they are often ignorant as to how it is to work in most office jobs. They have no understanding for what it is like to struggle to apply for jobs, promotions, stay employed, etc. they are very secure in their own jobs and feel smug about it and really tend to look down on people who struggle in their careers because they can't relate to that.


+1000 I would never marry a doctor and will not encourage my children to be doctors.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2014 18:06     Subject: If you are a physician and married to a non-physician....
Wow. My DH is an ER doc at a very busy area hospital. He is very sympathetic, patient , and kind. He spends countless hours dispensing free visits and treatments. He answers his phone for my panicked friends all the time regarding their kids. He did a great deal of research for a friend who's son had a rare genetic disorder.

And like another poster, he is all over me and the kids if any of us are unwell. However my children have to have severd limbs or Ebola before they can stay home from school.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2014 17:31     Subject: If you are a physician and married to a non-physician....
Anonymous wrote:I'm a Peds ICU doc. I take care of your worst nightmare. It's hard to sympathize with DH venting about office stuff when I'm still trying to process caring for the 2 year old that was beaten to death or the 8 year old that last week was fine but now we are taking her off life support.


well, it sounds like you might not be totally 'toughened up' but yes, that is on some absolute objective scale much worse than...

I'm not saying my DH's work stress is any less real but it does lack the horrific impact on human beings that I deal with on a daily basis.


...your husband's office stress. But that's the thing: everything is relative. We don't live in a world where everyone is operation on some global universal scale. Think about how your pts experience pain: are they really all exactly the same? Feelings are even more nebulous. Your husband's stresses are real to him, as real as yours are to you.

Honestly, though, it sounds like you might be losing respect for him and have some contempt for his concerns. At the end of it all, what difference does it make whether his worries are silly and trivial in your view? What are you really being asked to do beyond listen?
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2014 17:30     Subject: If you are a physician and married to a non-physician....
So true about the man cold.

Why do you think this is?

Do moms baby sons more when they get sick?

Maybe it's because they don't have to deal with as many health issues as women do - like menstrual cramps and uti's and yeast infections a migraines -and since they generally feel better a little cold seems like a big deal to them?

Still, I think it is best to be sympathetic but not be their chicken soup toting servant.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2014 17:25     Subject: If you are a physician and married to a non-physician....
^ I don't know how you do that every day. But thank you.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2014 17:23     Subject: If you are a physician and married to a non-physician....
I'm a Peds ICU doc. I take care of your worst nightmare. It's hard to sympathize with DH venting about office stuff when I'm still trying to process caring for the 2 year old that was beaten to death or the 8 year old that last week was fine but now we are taking her off life support.

I'm not saying my DH's work stress is any less real but it does lack the horrific impact on human beings that I deal with on a daily basis.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2014 17:21     Subject: If you are a physician and married to a non-physician....
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here - I didn't mean I don't want to hear about work/life problems! I meant that DH has strep and is going on and on about how "impaired " he is and the fatigue and I've offered Motrin and cold liquids and whatnot and I now want to say "it's not cancer! You're not going to die. It's inconvenient, but it's not deadly. You will be ok."


This just sounds like the typical whiny man-cold. The fact that he's annoying doesn't have anything to do with the fact that your a doctor, it's because your the wife that has to deal with the man-cold.

Having a sick husband is exhausting because the constant whining will make even the most empathetic woman roll her eyes and grab a strong drink.



Yep. My husband is a wonderful and very capable guy but he is a baby when he is sick. Always has been...at least when he's home.