Anonymous
Post 03/24/2014 13:12     Subject: If you were physically unable to intimate anymore, would you be ok with spouse getting it elsewhere?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:They should get therapy. BIL doesn't know that SIL wants to leave him. Maybe he is misinterpreting the situation. He appears to feel worthless as a spouse. He is likely depressed. They should get some professional help.


OP here. BIL has been very "fortunate" and "lucky" in some regards in that he is able to do all he can now because things worked out that way. I've often thought of other people in his situation who don't have anywhere near the monetary benefits that he has which has allowed him to make his life a bit easier. They are both in individual therapy and have been since the accident. I might suggest couples therapy so they can talk things out together.


Op, it worries me a bit that your BIL is putting his wife up on a pedestal like he is. Your SIL might be a fine person but I'm not seeing where she is giving her husband much, if any, emotional support. He's feeling like a bad, worthless husband right now and her actions pretty much tell him "Yes. You aren't everything to me anymore." It just seems very cruel to me and even emotionally abusive because he feels like less of a person than she is. That may sound harsh, but that's what it sounds like to me.

Make sure that BIL knows what an amazing job he has been doing, what a good person he is and how very much he is valued and loved.



I'm sorry, you cannot armchair their relationship with very few if any intimate details of their relationship.

I will not judge, most all relationships dissolve after a tragic event like this. Check out the statistics. I'd say the BIL is a pretty graceful guy and the SIL not a villain here.


You're right. I don't know all of the details here, the history of this couple, what they agree is/is not a deal breaker, etc. There are lots of missing details. It was the pedestal that BIL seems to be placing SIL up on that doesn't seem completely healthy. Like maybe he's depressed and she is feeding that depression. I hope that's wrong, but it does happen.
Anonymous
Post 03/24/2014 13:01     Subject: If you were physically unable to intimate anymore, would you be ok with spouse getting it elsewhere?
Sex is not for pleasure but for producing children
Anonymous
Post 03/24/2014 12:58     Subject: If you were physically unable to intimate anymore, would you be ok with spouse getting it elsewhere?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:They should get therapy. BIL doesn't know that SIL wants to leave him. Maybe he is misinterpreting the situation. He appears to feel worthless as a spouse. He is likely depressed. They should get some professional help.


OP here. BIL has been very "fortunate" and "lucky" in some regards in that he is able to do all he can now because things worked out that way. I've often thought of other people in his situation who don't have anywhere near the monetary benefits that he has which has allowed him to make his life a bit easier. They are both in individual therapy and have been since the accident. I might suggest couples therapy so they can talk things out together.


Op, it worries me a bit that your BIL is putting his wife up on a pedestal like he is. Your SIL might be a fine person but I'm not seeing where she is giving her husband much, if any, emotional support. He's feeling like a bad, worthless husband right now and her actions pretty much tell him "Yes. You aren't everything to me anymore." It just seems very cruel to me and even emotionally abusive because he feels like less of a person than she is. That may sound harsh, but that's what it sounds like to me.

Make sure that BIL knows what an amazing job he has been doing, what a good person he is and how very much he is valued and loved.



I'm sorry, you cannot armchair their relationship with very few if any intimate details of their relationship.

I will not judge, most all relationships dissolve after a tragic event like this. Check out the statistics. I'd say the BIL is a pretty graceful guy and the SIL not a villain here.
Anonymous
Post 03/24/2014 12:56     Subject: If you were physically unable to intimate anymore, would you be ok with spouse getting it elsewhere?
If my wife had an accident and could not have sex, but said do it with my blessing with whomever you want, it would be a very bizarre situation and not sure if I could go forward with that. It's still a marriage. On another note, even if the BIL is paralyzed, does that mean this couple cannot figure out another way for sexual satisfaction? I'll leave the last sentence to your imagination.
Anonymous
Post 03/24/2014 12:28     Subject: If you were physically unable to intimate anymore, would you be ok with spouse getting it elsewhere?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wow, we could easily live without sex. Marriages that are all about sex... Well they end poorly.


You are naive to think sex is just sex.


But that is exactly why BIL should not have made this arrangement.


Totally disagree, I think BIL did the most generous and realistic thing he could. And I think SIL is handling it well as well, because she's staying with him and taking care of him, but respectfully (I hope) also taking care of herself.


BIL has full time nurses, money in the bank and he is working from home. I'm not clear on how SIL is taking care of him. In fact, she appears to have quite a bit of free time...
Anonymous
Post 03/24/2014 12:19     Subject: If you were physically unable to intimate anymore, would you be ok with spouse getting it elsewhere?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wow, we could easily live without sex. Marriages that are all about sex... Well they end poorly.


You are naive to think sex is just sex.


But that is exactly why BIL should not have made this arrangement.


Totally disagree, I think BIL did the most generous and realistic thing he could. And I think SIL is handling it well as well, because she's staying with him and taking care of him, but respectfully (I hope) also taking care of herself.
Anonymous
Post 03/24/2014 12:16     Subject: If you were physically unable to intimate anymore, would you be ok with spouse getting it elsewhere?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:They should get therapy. BIL doesn't know that SIL wants to leave him. Maybe he is misinterpreting the situation. He appears to feel worthless as a spouse. He is likely depressed. They should get some professional help.


OP here. BIL has been very "fortunate" and "lucky" in some regards in that he is able to do all he can now because things worked out that way. I've often thought of other people in his situation who don't have anywhere near the monetary benefits that he has which has allowed him to make his life a bit easier. They are both in individual therapy and have been since the accident. I might suggest couples therapy so they can talk things out together.


Op, it worries me a bit that your BIL is putting his wife up on a pedestal like he is. Your SIL might be a fine person but I'm not seeing where she is giving her husband much, if any, emotional support. He's feeling like a bad, worthless husband right now and her actions pretty much tell him "Yes. You aren't everything to me anymore." It just seems very cruel to me and even emotionally abusive because he feels like less of a person than she is. That may sound harsh, but that's what it sounds like to me.

Make sure that BIL knows what an amazing job he has been doing, what a good person he is and how very much he is valued and loved.

Anonymous
Post 03/24/2014 11:17     Subject: If you were physically unable to intimate anymore, would you be ok with spouse getting it elsewhere?
Anonymous wrote:They should get therapy. BIL doesn't know that SIL wants to leave him. Maybe he is misinterpreting the situation. He appears to feel worthless as a spouse. He is likely depressed. They should get some professional help.


OP here. BIL has been very "fortunate" and "lucky" in some regards in that he is able to do all he can now because things worked out that way. I've often thought of other people in his situation who don't have anywhere near the monetary benefits that he has which has allowed him to make his life a bit easier. They are both in individual therapy and have been since the accident. I might suggest couples therapy so they can talk things out together.
Anonymous
Post 03/24/2014 11:11     Subject: If you were physically unable to intimate anymore, would you be ok with spouse getting it elsewhere?
They should get therapy. BIL doesn't know that SIL wants to leave him. Maybe he is misinterpreting the situation. He appears to feel worthless as a spouse. He is likely depressed. They should get some professional help.
Anonymous
Post 03/24/2014 10:48     Subject: If you were physically unable to intimate anymore, would you be ok with spouse getting it elsewhere?
Anonymous wrote:^not saying that this situation is at all lucky, just that BIL is a remarkable person.


Agree. This is one of the most touching posts I have ever read on here. Just hope the BIL finds companionship in whatever form he needs someday.
Anonymous
Post 03/24/2014 10:48     Subject: If you were physically unable to intimate anymore, would you be ok with spouse getting it elsewhere?
You have no idea what you would do until you walk a mile in another person's shoes..

Yes, I would like to think that dh and I would hang in there for each other no matter what. Especially given the large amount of help that this SIL is getting with full time nursing help, family, friends.

Friends/family need to remember that SIL's life has been turned upside down/inside out, too. I hope they are all there for HER, too. There is no reason at all why she can't remain married and have an occasional vacation away from it all with friends/family. And I'm not sure that I totally understand why it would be completely impossible for BIL to travel, too.

I realize that it's very complicated, no one right answer to any of it.

Anonymous
Post 03/24/2014 10:39     Subject: If you were physically unable to intimate anymore, would you be ok with spouse getting it elsewhere?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Do you not believe in honoring wedding vows?
"In sickness and in health....."


Yea, but do those "vows" mean that you have to live a miserable life? This DW appears to have tried to be there for DH.

Marriage IS supposed to benefit your life. This is a situation where circumsatnces changed due to no fault of either party. I actually commend the BIL for thinking of his DW's needs. If I ever was in his position, I would also tell my spouse that they can seek happiness elsewhere. Life is too short. I would not want to be a life long burden on anyone and I would not want my spouse to resent me. LIVE YOUR LIFE


If you are married, you have chosen to SHARE YOUR LIFE. This is the epitome of what your vows meant.
Anonymous
Post 03/24/2014 10:25     Subject: If you were physically unable to intimate anymore, would you be ok with spouse getting it elsewhere?
^not saying that this situation is at all lucky, just that BIL is a remarkable person.
Anonymous
Post 03/24/2014 10:23     Subject: If you were physically unable to intimate anymore, would you be ok with spouse getting it elsewhere?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op, this is all so sad, I feel for all of you. I honestly don't have any advice but if this marriage does end and SIL does choose to go to live with the other man, what will that mean for your BIL? What is his backup plan?





Fortunately, he doesn't really need much of a back up plan. He has full-time care divided between several different nurses, lots of friends and family in the area, and between savings, the ability to do some work from home, and a sizable settlement from the accident, he will be fine monetarily as well as with support.


He sounds like a really amazing person to have all of his ducks in a row like that. Op, you all are very lucky.

Anonymous
Post 03/24/2014 10:12     Subject: If you were physically unable to intimate anymore, would you be ok with spouse getting it elsewhere?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Just to follow up on a couple of things.

Yes, the affair started about a year after things started to become their new normal after the accident (i.e after rehab, therapy, home improvements, etc).

DH and I moved out of the DC area a long time ago and I doubt anyone would recognize me from my posts. No one I know uses this site so I'm not too worried anyone would recognize me. If someone does, feel free to put my initials and I'll ask Jeff to delete this.

It's a shitty situation all around. It's easy to say she should end the affair or honor the "in sickness and in health" vow, but it is a very difficult life for her too, not just for him.

Anyways, thanks all for the comments. Just nice to have people say nice things as the whole thing just makes me so sad.


I think the PP meant that you posted too much identifying info about your BIL and SIL, who as you said are still in the DC area.


OP here. Sorry, I was unclear. BIL has never lived in the DC area. He lives where we live now.