Anonymous
03/09/2014 20:17
Subject: Becoming more physically attracted to your spouse?
NP here, maybe a couple things to add.
1) Blindfold idea is interesting, but turning off the lights also gets that job done.
2) I've always been attracted to my DH; he has aged beautifully, he's just exactly the physically perfect match for me, both in face and body. Can't get enough of looking at him. And even though I'm "attracted" to him, over the years it's been harder to translate that into sexual desire, partly because I'm older and the drive has decreased, and partly because holy cow, it's the same guy for 17 years now! So my point is, it's possible that some of what you are attributing to his weight gain could be just the regular doldrums of a long term relationship.
3) Ok I know you haven't been totally direct with your DH, but go with me on this for a moment because you have tried through other means to get him to lose weight.
I also think often for women, if a guy doesn't take their feedback (say about Thing A), they can often feel like the guy's lack of taking the feedback is symbolic that the guy doesn't care what they think. Then the turn off isn't just about Thing A, but becomes also about Thing B--"he knows, but doesn't change, therefore doesn't care enough about me to do something about it." Or, "He won't fix Thing A because his job is too time-consuming, so, I come lower in the hierarchy than his job," etc. Which for many women is a huge turn off.
So is it just Thing A, OP (the weight) or is it also Thing B (your feelings because he won't lose weight)
I think it's important to realize that if a DH doesn't fix Thing A after you told him how Thing A impacts you, it may not be because he doesn't care, or chooses work instead of your feedback, etc. Thing A might be something bigger for him.
4) So in this situation, Thing A is the excess weight. Many people don't lose the weight for bigger reasons than "they don't care about their health, or they prioritize their health lower than their job," and all that. Many people don't lose weight because, for example, they are afraid that if they DID lose the weight, what would it mean if their spouse was still unattracted to them? Or if they are single, if they STILL couldn't get a boyfriend/girlfriend? The fear is, they might have to deal with the concept that they are unlovable, or undesirable.
Or, less intense...they don't lose the weight because they are deeply engrained to eat to deal with stress, and they haven't figured out a substitute.
Anyways, just pointing this out, OP, because it might not be so straightforward for you (and it also might not be so straightforward for your DH.
1) Blindfold idea is interesting, but turning off the lights also gets that job done.
2) I've always been attracted to my DH; he has aged beautifully, he's just exactly the physically perfect match for me, both in face and body. Can't get enough of looking at him. And even though I'm "attracted" to him, over the years it's been harder to translate that into sexual desire, partly because I'm older and the drive has decreased, and partly because holy cow, it's the same guy for 17 years now! So my point is, it's possible that some of what you are attributing to his weight gain could be just the regular doldrums of a long term relationship.
3) Ok I know you haven't been totally direct with your DH, but go with me on this for a moment because you have tried through other means to get him to lose weight.
I also think often for women, if a guy doesn't take their feedback (say about Thing A), they can often feel like the guy's lack of taking the feedback is symbolic that the guy doesn't care what they think. Then the turn off isn't just about Thing A, but becomes also about Thing B--"he knows, but doesn't change, therefore doesn't care enough about me to do something about it." Or, "He won't fix Thing A because his job is too time-consuming, so, I come lower in the hierarchy than his job," etc. Which for many women is a huge turn off.
So is it just Thing A, OP (the weight) or is it also Thing B (your feelings because he won't lose weight)
I think it's important to realize that if a DH doesn't fix Thing A after you told him how Thing A impacts you, it may not be because he doesn't care, or chooses work instead of your feedback, etc. Thing A might be something bigger for him.
4) So in this situation, Thing A is the excess weight. Many people don't lose the weight for bigger reasons than "they don't care about their health, or they prioritize their health lower than their job," and all that. Many people don't lose weight because, for example, they are afraid that if they DID lose the weight, what would it mean if their spouse was still unattracted to them? Or if they are single, if they STILL couldn't get a boyfriend/girlfriend? The fear is, they might have to deal with the concept that they are unlovable, or undesirable.
Or, less intense...they don't lose the weight because they are deeply engrained to eat to deal with stress, and they haven't figured out a substitute.
Anyways, just pointing this out, OP, because it might not be so straightforward for you (and it also might not be so straightforward for your DH.
Anonymous
03/08/2014 22:41
Subject: Becoming more physically attracted to your spouse?
I feel the same, married 7yrs, two kids. I'm pretty much the same. I know I look great. DH already bigger framed, gained about 30 pounds. Prior to marriage he was obsessed with working out. Now, granted bc of the career doesn't have time. But it's affected my sex drive. And in addition he eats all wrong foods and doesn't care, ie coffee donots for breakfast. Started smoking etc. I swore I'd never marry a smoker and now I'm married to one. I've told him we can't kiss or have sex if he's recently smoked so that he takes care of. But yes the weight gain is unattractive and we are young! He's only 35' and I'm 33. I want him to care more. I do still think he's handsome and very attractive but he's just really let himself go and what's worse is he doesn't care. Infanticide about my ex a lot now during sex.
Anonymous
03/07/2014 16:17
Subject: Becoming more physically attracted to your spouse?
^^ I read it just fine. She should not have married him in the first place. He fit the bill. Barely. And now she's not very interested in him so he has a low-sex marriage. Unfair to him.
Anonymous
03/07/2014 16:02
Subject: Becoming more physically attracted to your spouse?
Anonymous wrote:I love DH and love having sex with him and I have a hard time seeing him objectively -- I think he's attractive, but I can't tell if he really is or not to other people because I can't separate my feelings from my view. Married 19 years, BTW.
All that to say that I cannot believe how many coldhearted mercenary bitches are on here and how many people seem to have married for superficial issues. Divorce the poor guy already and find someone as shallow as you, OP -- don't make him suffer any longer with you with or without sex.
You seem not to have read very carefully.
Anonymous
03/07/2014 14:06
Subject: Becoming more physically attracted to your spouse?
Anonymous wrote:If your husband actively gets hit on, it means he is a very attractive man.
+1 my DH is attractive but doesn't get hit on.