douchy PP here-

Funny how some women have jumped to the conclusion that men want "bjs on command". That's not it. At all. Not even close. If it was, men would command a bj every day. However, it seems that the women who have outrage about men wanting a bj from their wife are also okay with the other extreme- the wife refusing any intimacy because they aren't 100% in the mood at the beginning.

It seems that women expect men to understand that men and women are different biologically and emotionally. But women don't seem to be okay with that concept. The answer pushed by many here is that the woman's level of desire is the deciding factor, as though sex with their husband is a chore for them and most often, the last one they feel compelled to do. I'm not sure why it is a bad thing for a husband to want to be intimate with his wife.

As others have said, it isn't just about the physical release. That's a big part of it, sure. But for many men, myself included, it is about emotional and physical connection with my wife as well. And for women to say "just use your hand" is offensive and obtuse. Living in a sexless marriage is something too many women (and some men) seem to be okay with. Was my comment doucy? Sure. But it is on-par with women who ignore a core need of their husbands and think jacking off is an adequate replacement.

The issues in my marriage go beyond BC. I had a vasectomy and my wife is on no BC. We've talked about my needs and her needs. I feel like I have tried- many times over many months- to do what she has asked to rekindle her desire. But I feel that my wife has not held up her end. And when I try to initiate physical contact I am rejected most of the time. This says nothing about all the times I would love to be intimate and don't initiate anything because she's dropped pre-emptive hints about fatigue, headaches, and whatever else life has thrown that pushes intimacy to the bottom of her "chore list". Therefore- I'm angry and resentful about this topic. It really sucks to be rejected by my wife for months at a time.

But my question still remains- if a wife thinks that sex once a <insert timeframe here> is sufficient and the husband would like to have sex with his wife more often, is it too much to ask for her to consider his emotional and physical needs by having sex, even just oral, even though she may not be "in the mood"? I'm willing to bet that most women don't even consider giving a bj out of the blue just because he would love it.

If your needs trump his and you think he should just rub one out, I think you are a much bigger douche than the man who longs for intimacy with his wife.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Seems like a pretty convenient excuse to act out and to withhold sex because you are not in the mood. If your husband is so understanding and wonderful, why don't you have sex with him even though you are not in the mood to show how much you appreciate him? Why do these hormonal women think the universe must revolve around them when they have their mood swings?

Ugh, b/c sex can be -painful- for women when they're not in the mood? (How are there so many douchey men on this board??)

Plenty of douchy men whose wives only have sex when they are 100% in the mood. Let me guess, it hurts to give a blowjob when you're not in the mood too, right?

This is why a lot of women hate men on this board. So next time some whiny guy comes on here crying like a little girl about how badly they're treated here, I'll post this link. Thanks for making it easy for me.

This doesn't really respond to the PP's douchily framed question.

-If you think your husband is awesome, why don't you have sex even when you're not in the mood to show him how much you love him?
-Because sex hurts.
-Then why not give him a blowjob?
-I hate men because they're whiny little bitches.

There was a legitimate question in there? Didn't see it. To answer the question if there is one, use your hand.

So true intimacy between a husband and wife is a man jacking off or a woman controlling sex 100% of the time. Got it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
There was a legitimate question in there? Didn't see it. To answer the question if there is one, use your hand.

There was sort of a legitimate question in there. The way the PP asked it probably goes a long way toward explaining why his wife wouldn't have sex with him or give him a blowjob to show him how how much she loves him.

But, a lot of guys feel love through sex. It's not just a physical release. If it was, then porn and masturbation would probably be superior to anything their wife could provide -- variety and knowing their own body better if nothing else. It's pretty easy for a husband to start thinking, "if she loved me, she'd have sex with me. Or, at least blow me or give me a hand job." Not understanding the love/sex connection fully, the wife figures if she's not in the mood, he should just rub one out. (Or, in the alternative, she's selfish and/or doesn't actually love him much.)

Most normal people understand the concepts you're discussing. Except hostile jerk PP who thinks his wife should blow him on command.

Anonymous wrote:
There was a legitimate question in there? Didn't see it. To answer the question if there is one, use your hand.

There was sort of a legitimate question in there. The way the PP asked it probably goes a long way toward explaining why his wife wouldn't have sex with him or give him a blowjob to show him how how much she loves him.

But, a lot of guys feel love through sex. It's not just a physical release. If it was, then porn and masturbation would probably be superior to anything their wife could provide -- variety and knowing their own body better if nothing else. It's pretty easy for a husband to start thinking, "if she loved me, she'd have sex with me. Or, at least blow me or give me a hand job." Not understanding the love/sex connection fully, the wife figures if she's not in the mood, he should just rub one out. (Or, in the alternative, she's selfish and/or doesn't actually love him much.)

They have improved the pill over the years, the lower hormones may mean some women have less effects in terms of lower sex drive. When I'm off the pill I definitely know that three day period around ovulation, but if you are trying not to get pregnant that is actually the worst time to have sex so there's a psychological mindfuck there. Otherwise the pill doesn't dramatically effect my sex drive and it certainly doesn't hurt my ability to orgasm that I can tell.

Sex is as much about the mind as the body. Long term relationships hurt sex drive because infatuation brings on a surge of testosterone in both sexes. It naturally fades after a while. For me, I love my husband and I've been with him for fifteen years and we have two fairly young kids so sometimes it is about changing my mindset to get more in the mood. By far nothing gets me in the mood faster than a kid free night, especially if we are in a hotel. Great lingerie helps too. And in between those times just remembering how important it is and that we love each other and conditions won't always be perfect. Snuggling up to my husband helps.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Seems like a pretty convenient excuse to act out and to withhold sex because you are not in the mood. If your husband is so understanding and wonderful, why don't you have sex with him even though you are not in the mood to show how much you appreciate him? Why do these hormonal women think the universe must revolve around them when they have their mood swings?

Ugh, b/c sex can be -painful- for women when they're not in the mood? (How are there so many douchey men on this board??)

Plenty of douchy men whose wives only have sex when they are 100% in the mood. Let me guess, it hurts to give a blowjob when you're not in the mood too, right?

This is why a lot of women hate men on this board. So next time some whiny guy comes on here crying like a little girl about how badly they're treated here, I'll post this link. Thanks for making it easy for me.

This doesn't really respond to the PP's douchily framed question.

-If you think your husband is awesome, why don't you have sex even when you're not in the mood to show him how much you love him?
-Because sex hurts.
-Then why not give him a blowjob?
-I hate men because they're whiny little bitches.

There was a legitimate question in there? Didn't see it. To answer the question if there is one, use your hand.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Seems like a pretty convenient excuse to act out and to withhold sex because you are not in the mood. If your husband is so understanding and wonderful, why don't you have sex with him even though you are not in the mood to show how much you appreciate him? Why do these hormonal women think the universe must revolve around them when they have their mood swings?

Ugh, b/c sex can be -painful- for women when they're not in the mood? (How are there so many douchey men on this board??)

Plenty of douchy men whose wives only have sex when they are 100% in the mood. Let me guess, it hurts to give a blowjob when you're not in the mood too, right?

This is why a lot of women hate men on this board. So next time some whiny guy comes on here crying like a little girl about how badly they're treated here, I'll post this link. Thanks for making it easy for me.

This doesn't really respond to the PP's douchily framed question.

-If you think your husband is awesome, why don't you have sex even when you're not in the mood to show him how much you love him?
-Because sex hurts.
-Then why not give him a blowjob?
-I hate men because they're whiny little bitches.

Anonymous wrote:I see a few recommendations here for the copper IUD. And I have friends who swear by it. Not for me, sadly.

I had a Paragard inserted a few months ago and it's tanked my sex drive. Painful sex, really hard to orgasm, infections, menstrual cramps that bring me to my knees (and I had an unmedicated pitocin labor, I have a high threshold!), weight gain, cystic acne. I feel like a depressed lump. I'm still initiating sex even though I have almost no desire, hoping each time that it'll get better, but it's not. I had a high libido, but honestly now if you told me I had to go without for a few months, I'd shrug. I'm giving it one more cycle then out it comes.
I'm at a loss for what to try next. Hormonal birth control is out due to medical history.

I can't say for sure, but I thought the Paragard was supposed to reduce infection because of the copper. See a doc, but your symptoms seem a bit inconsistent for Paragard. Maybe it was inserted upside down (I'm kidding).

Are you cycling regularly, regular cycle length? The acne and weight gain sound like PCOS. I would look up endometriosis, too. I'm not a clinician, so I'm just throwing out ideas.

If you haven't, get yourself to a physician.

I see a few recommendations here for the copper IUD. And I have friends who swear by it. Not for me, sadly.

I had a Paragard inserted a few months ago and it's tanked my sex drive. Painful sex, really hard to orgasm, infections, menstrual cramps that bring me to my knees (and I had an unmedicated pitocin labor, I have a high threshold!), weight gain, cystic acne. I feel like a depressed lump. I'm still initiating sex even though I have almost no desire, hoping each time that it'll get better, but it's not. I had a high libido, but honestly now if you told me I had to go without for a few months, I'd shrug. I'm giving it one more cycle then out it comes.
I'm at a loss for what to try next. Hormonal birth control is out due to medical history.

Anonymous wrote:

I'm a woman, and hormonal birth control was fabulous for me! Lots of sex, lots of desire, never killed my sex drive. Nor that of my friends. Never heard this stuff until I came on the DCUM. Mirena was THE BEST!


Frankly I think it's less the birth control and more the babies women have that's the desire killer.

Funny. My husband begged me to quit the pill because I was such a depressive mess while on it. I have a few friends who also can't do hormonal birth control. Maybe your friends don't open up to you because you're judgmental.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, BC pills killed my libido and I had/have a healthy one. When I first tried the pill when I was 18 I didn't notice any libido change but once I was on BC in my late 20's-early 30's it seriously sucked.

This is me, too. I didn't notice it as much when I was younger, but definitely once I hit my 20's and especially 30's. It was a slow realization, but confirmed after being off for only a couple months. Being pregnant made me want sex all the time, breastfeeding killed it again, and now am finally getting it back over a year post-partum (still bf-ing but not as frequently). Exhaustion and room sharing and not yet STTN make it harder, but I do want the intimacy.

I am glad you are not my wife, I could not take that roller coaster ride. Get an IUD for god's sake and even out.

??

What an ignorant statement. You have two options with IUD's - hormonal (which can kill a sex drive just like every other kind of hormonal BC) or copper (which is not exceptionally effective and can result in longer, heavier periods). Do either of those sound preferable?

Glad you're not my DH. He's been more than willing to go along with the roller coaster ride that tends to happen when you IMPREGNATE ANOTHER HUMAN BEING, and has gotten lots of sex throughout the years because he's been so understanding.

Whoa, whoa - the copper IUD is incredibly effective. It is over 99% effective. WAY more effective than the pill. I can't find the source, but I believe it and Mirena (the hormonal IUD) have the same level of effectiveness.

I've personally known 3 women to get pregnant with a copper IUD in. All miscarried when the IUD was removed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, BC pills killed my libido and I had/have a healthy one. When I first tried the pill when I was 18 I didn't notice any libido change but once I was on BC in my late 20's-early 30's it seriously sucked.

This is me, too. I didn't notice it as much when I was younger, but definitely once I hit my 20's and especially 30's. It was a slow realization, but confirmed after being off for only a couple months. Being pregnant made me want sex all the time, breastfeeding killed it again, and now am finally getting it back over a year post-partum (still bf-ing but not as frequently). Exhaustion and room sharing and not yet STTN make it harder, but I do want the intimacy.

I am glad you are not my wife, I could not take that roller coaster ride. Get an IUD for god's sake and even out.

WTF. Why don't you get a vasectomy? Selfish.

Birth control can fuck with all kinds of things in a woman. It's hormones. It can take months for her levels to balance out once she quit so don't lose hope that things will get better.

I'm a woman, and hormonal birth control was fabulous for me! Lots of sex, lots of desire, never killed my sex drive. Nor that of my friends. Never heard this stuff until I came on the DCUM. Mirena was THE BEST!


Frankly I think it's less the birth control and more the babies women have that's the desire killer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Seems like a pretty convenient excuse to act out and to withhold sex because you are not in the mood. If your husband is so understanding and wonderful, why don't you have sex with him even though you are not in the mood to show how much you appreciate him? Why do these hormonal women think the universe must revolve around them when they have their mood swings?

Ugh, b/c sex can be -painful- for women when they're not in the mood? (How are there so many douchey men on this board??)

Plenty of douchy men whose wives only have sex when they are 100% in the mood. Let me guess, it hurts to give a blowjob when you're not in the mood too, right?

This is why a lot of women hate men on this board. So next time some whiny guy comes on here crying like a little girl about how badly they're treated here, I'll post this link. Thanks for making it easy for me.