Anonymous wrote:I wonder how many of you have teens. Advice like "don't let them hang out with the cool crowd," as if parents can or should dictate a 17 year-olds friends. Or the idea that you need to schedule them up so they don't have the opportunity. There is a big downside to over scheduling kids , not to mention that in high school they have more control over their schedule. There are plenty of kids in afterschool sports with heavy course loads, who also experiment with drugs and alcohol. Or the idea that kids who dabble must have some relative setting the example.

You can't erect a wall around them, which is what all this scheduling is trying to do. The most important thing is communication. And you won't have good communication with your child if you have such a simplistic sense of whats out there and how to deal with it.

Stats don't lie, most kids experiment. And most come out of that experience just fine. I am NOT condoning it, but I think you need to accept that fact and then decide how you are going to deal with it. And you have to understand that ultimately you are not in control.

I'm 19:51 and 20:00. I have a 16-year-old. I also was a teen who didn't drink until I went to college. I am speaking of what I think influenced me and what appears to be influencing my own DC, who (so far) has shown no signs of alcohol or drug use.

Anonymous wrote:The school environment is a big one. If the school has a lot of extra curricular activities, clubs that appeal to all kids (sports, math, debate, science, computers etc...) they can find an interest with a similar group of friends. They can also find this in church or other religions organizations.

I am going to get flamed here but I really do think that a school with good a lot of student with high SES would be better in terms of bullying kids with non popular culture interests (no rap music, drugs etc..) and providing the above items. If there are a lot of low SES they are trying to provide the basic necessities, parents are not as involved and the above extra curricular items are not the focus. It

OMG, No rap music? Could you be more coded?

My DD went to a "top 3" private school where you can bet there were (1) bullying kids, and (2) the usual level of experimentation with drugs and alcohol, in spite of wealthy parents and loads of extracurricular activities. I know of no school that is immune or even "better." Its amazing the lengths some of the posters are going to trying to establish that their kids are somehow safe.

To be even more direct, no its not just black kids who drink and do drugs.

I think the key is to get kids very involved in school activities - sports, drama, newspaper, etc. Kids who are busy and have good self esteem are not going to get in trouble. I know this from my parents who are teachers. Also I know this from my own experience in high school.

You can snoop all you want, they will just get better at hiding it.

Nice, smart, athletic, religious, kids with involved parents will still do drugs if they have friends that do them. Ultimately by the time they are old enough to be exposed, we as parents are no longer in control. It is difficult to say at 10 years old when they all sign the "No drug" pact in elementary school that the friend group will eventually never experiment with drugs. Someone they know will try drugs and they will be exposed. Hopefully they can make good decisions.

In all honesty, I don't think there's anything you can do to prevent it. If your child wants to experiment, they will. You can then only hope that they don't get in too deep.

There are some really helpful comments on this thread. Thank you. I could be the OP. I've never done drugs and didn't party in school, so I feel a bit clueless which exacerbates my fears. DH loves a good scotch but has never done any illegal drug.

Anyways, my very good friend is an ER doctor in Los Angeles, so she sees horrible horrible result of drug abuse practically every shift. Young people die in front of her or become vegetables (sp?) and btw one thing that's really rough is sometimes when if she knew what drug(s) it was she can make a difference in her patient's survival or brain damage, the friends clam up because they don't want to get in trouble. People's best friends just clam up and deny, deny, and their friend dies. Incredible.

Anyways, we've had talks about it as recently as last week.

She reminded me that the *most important thing* about all these conversations with your kids is NOT the message to not do drugs. That's the second most important message.

The most important takeaway that they can come to you if they mess up. They have to be able to have screwed up and tried some drug and then be able to come to you. If your tactics are solely about not trying the drug, it helps but if they DO try the drug, then the lying starts and they are getting no input or advice from you because they won't ask.

Relevant tangent: In December, I had a situation with my DD (a tween still in elementary) where she was getting bullied and she didn't tell me and I actually found out from this mom in LA! We were home for the holidays and my DD told her DD who told her mom. When I discussed it with my DD, she said, "I didn't want to tell you because you'd go call the principal and teacher and then those girls would get in trouble and then they'd really hate me and NEVER leave me alone." So we had to deal with those perceptions and lay that groundwork for her to tell me things and feel safe about it.

But it raises the same issue with respect to drugs: That your kids have to not be afraid of telling you for fear of getting in trouble or fear that the other kids will get in trouble...

Anonymous wrote:The school environment is a big one. If the school has a lot of extra curricular activities, clubs that appeal to all kids (sports, math, debate, science, computers etc...) they can find an interest with a similar group of friends. They can also find this in church or other religions organizations.

I am going to get flamed here but I really do think that a school with good a lot of student with high SES would be better in terms of bullying kids with non popular culture interests (no rap music, drugs etc..) and providing the above items. If there are a lot of low SES they are trying to provide the basic necessities, parents are not as involved and the above extra curricular items are not the focus. It

+10000

Not flaming you!

The school environment is a big one. If the school has a lot of extra curricular activities, clubs that appeal to all kids (sports, math, debate, science, computers etc...) they can find an interest with a similar group of friends. They can also find this in church or other religions organizations.

I am going to get flamed here but I really do think that a school with good a lot of student with high SES would be better in terms of bullying kids with non popular culture interests (no rap music, drugs etc..) and providing the above items. If there are a lot of low SES they are trying to provide the basic necessities, parents are not as involved and the above extra curricular items are not the focus. It

Re: Adderall

I knew a crazy shrink who was prescribing this for his daughter so she could get better grades. She definitely didn't ADD, she just had to be the best.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how many of you have teens. Advice like "don't let them hang out with the cool crowd," as if parents can or should dictate a 17 year-olds friends. Or the idea that you need to schedule them up so they don't have the opportunity. There is a big downside to over scheduling kids , not to mention that in high school they have more control over their schedule. There are plenty of kids in afterschool sports with heavy course loads, who also experiment with drugs and alcohol. Or the idea that kids who dabble must have some relative setting the example.

You can't erect a wall around them, which is what all this scheduling is trying to do. The most important thing is communication. And you won't have good communication with your child if you have such a simplistic sense of whats out there and how to deal with it.

Stats don't lie, most kids experiment. And most come out of that experience just fine. I am NOT condoning it, but I think you need to accept that fact and then decide how you are going to deal with it. And you have to understand that ultimately you are not in control.

+1 I have read all the responses, about keeping children busy, spending family time with them, etc., and I would have thought they sounded like good ideas, until I became one of those parents who was shocked to learn that their child was using drugs. I can tell you that a lot of kids feel that pot use is no big deal and that it is less serious than alcohol use. I'm not talking about kids we may have called 'stoners' in our day, I'm talking about the kids on the soccer, lacrosse, and baseball teams, honor roll, AP and IB students, kids who you would consider to be leaders at their schools. These are kids who DO have dinner with their families at night, who DO have 'involved' parents, who do everything that one would think would possibly prevent drug use by their kids.

Unless you are constantly with your kids, you have no guarantee that they aren't experimenting or using. They could be doing it after sports practice, after work, when they are at a study group, at a friend's house, or when they go to a sporting event or a school dance with friends. If kids want to use, they will find a way, and the only thing we can do is make it harder for them to do so.

Parents, let your teens know in no uncertain terms that how much you disapprove of drug use and that you DO feel that using pot is a big deal. Point out to them the legal consequences of getting caught with drugs, and how it can interfere with their college plans and future job prospects. Even the smartest teen doesn't always consider how their carelessness could impact their future. And if you do find out they are using, give them consequences and make them earn your trust back.

And, yes, remember that it really is ultimately out of your control. When your child goes to college, they will be doing what they want, when they want, and that is a tough thing to learn to accept. But you must.

+2 these two posts are exactly correct. You can have the most involved kids, be the most involved parents, have kids who are nice and are not using cellphones and they will still experiment. I suspect the posters who are posting their ideas about how to stop it are in elementary school. Once you get to HS, reality sets in. Another huge problem drug is Alderall Many kids are using it to help them study, even the "good" kids.

Studies showed: developing a pattern from early childhood of discussing their day EVERYDAY, having dinner together, and being involved in religion greatly reduces drug abuse.

Anonymous wrote:My child is still in elementary school, but I can already tell you that there is a group of "mean girls" who constantly text each other every day. They text mean things about lots of girls in the grade and they text a lot. I predict that these girls will be into drugs, etc. Clearly from this young age they have 1) lots of free time to text b/c they aren't kept busy enough 2) they have a desire to act nasty in a group (follower mentality that endures many to try drugs) and 3) parents who don't monitor what they're doing.
I try to parent my DD in exactly the opposite way. No guarantee it will work, but I can already see the seeds of negative teen behaviors with some of these young kids.

One of the stupidest comments on this thread.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how many of you have teens. Advice like "don't let them hang out with the cool crowd," as if parents can or should dictate a 17 year-olds friends. Or the idea that you need to schedule them up so they don't have the opportunity. There is a big downside to over scheduling kids , not to mention that in high school they have more control over their schedule. There are plenty of kids in afterschool sports with heavy course loads, who also experiment with drugs and alcohol. Or the idea that kids who dabble must have some relative setting the example.

You can't erect a wall around them, which is what all this scheduling is trying to do. The most important thing is communication. And you won't have good communication with your child if you have such a simplistic sense of whats out there and how to deal with it.

Stats don't lie, most kids experiment. And most come out of that experience just fine. I am NOT condoning it, but I think you need to accept that fact and then decide how you are going to deal with it. And you have to understand that ultimately you are not in control.

+1 I have read all the responses, about keeping children busy, spending family time with them, etc., and I would have thought they sounded like good ideas, until I became one of those parents who was shocked to learn that their child was using drugs. I can tell you that a lot of kids feel that pot use is no big deal and that it is less serious than alcohol use. I'm not talking about kids we may have called 'stoners' in our day, I'm talking about the kids on the soccer, lacrosse, and baseball teams, honor roll, AP and IB students, kids who you would consider to be leaders at their schools. These are kids who DO have dinner with their families at night, who DO have 'involved' parents, who do everything that one would think would possibly prevent drug use by their kids.

Unless you are constantly with your kids, you have no guarantee that they aren't experimenting or using. They could be doing it after sports practice, after work, when they are at a study group, at a friend's house, or when they go to a sporting event or a school dance with friends. If kids want to use, they will find a way, and the only thing we can do is make it harder for them to do so.

Parents, let your teens know in no uncertain terms that how much you disapprove of drug use and that you DO feel that using pot is a big deal. Point out to them the legal consequences of getting caught with drugs, and how it can interfere with their college plans and future job prospects. Even the smartest teen doesn't always consider how their carelessness could impact their future. And if you do find out they are using, give them consequences and make them earn your trust back.

And, yes, remember that it really is ultimately out of your control. When your child goes to college, they will be doing what they want, when they want, and that is a tough thing to learn to accept. But you must.

Bingo to this. I also take every opportunity to talk about the many famous actors & singers who are dead or messed up from drug use. I use it as a learning opp, same with why are people homeless. (Often it's due to drug or alcohol abuse). We watched HomeAlone & they asked about McCulkey Culkin. I showed them a particularly nasty pic of him when he was ravaged from drug use, and they recoiled, asking what happened to him. "Drugs," I said. "It's so sad. People mess up their lives with drugs."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just an FYI, my son asked to try weed at home the summer before 12th grade. I initially said no, then during Christmas break bought weed from someone I know who grows and we made pot brownies which he ate at home. He found it very anti-climactic and didn't do it again.

This sounds horrible. How can a parent provide illegal drugs to her child. This makes me sick.

We were on vacation in San Francisco. Where it's legal.