Anonymous
01/06/2014 10:15
Subject: Apparently I made my husband feel like shit
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yikes. Sounds like he is blaming you to avoid taking responsibility for this himself. Pretty emotionally immature. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
+30,000
+1,000,000
there is absolutely no way this guy is blaming new wife for things he and his ex wife did together
it is certain that op's husband was feeling terrible about it already and was likely stricken with worry and despair and finally mustered the strength to tell his wife and she reacted negatively. he felt like it was piling on.
of course she didn't know that he had felt this way or presumably should wouldnt have
but nevertheless they both are entitled to their reactions - it is how you move forward that counts
Anonymous
01/06/2014 10:11
Subject: Apparently I made my husband feel like shit
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yikes. Sounds like he is blaming you to avoid taking responsibility for this himself. Pretty emotionally immature. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
+30,000
Hahahaha.
My DH does this sometimes over mistakes that are clearly his (much smaller things, but still). If I seem remotely peeved, he says, "You're sure making me feel like crap." Well, no, I am not. Cleaning up the mess he made is what's making him feel like sh**, and I suggest you tell your DH so.
Anonymous
01/06/2014 10:07
Subject: Apparently I made my husband feel like shit
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yikes. Sounds like he is blaming you to avoid taking responsibility for this himself. Pretty emotionally immature. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
+30,000
+1,000,000
Anonymous
01/06/2014 10:05
Subject: Apparently I made my husband feel like shit
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:it is a tax lien?
the IRS is very very accommodating to people who are willing to pay.
call the IRS immediately and begin talking to them about a repayment plan. they will stretch payments out 6 or 7 years.
$30,000 is something they will do this for in a blink.
this is an easily solvable situation!
I will bring this option up to my husband. It may be that this is a better option than killing ourselves trying to pay this lien off in one go.
of course it will be. much better. no tax penalties no savings depleted.
i figure it would be 425-500/mo for 6 years to get it paid off in full.
sucks, but better than all the alternatives.
at some point along the way he can sue the ex for it. he may even be able to sue her much later for it, for that he should definitely hire a real attorney.
Anonymous
01/06/2014 10:02
Subject: Apparently I made my husband feel like shit
Anonymous wrote:OP, your husband has a point. This was his problem and when you married him it became your mutual problem. You are entitled IMO to your initial response and he was entitled to say what he did, and now as the person with more psychological distance from the issue its's on you to be the bigger person and start solving this problem. Not just how to pay off the debt but how to get your savings back in shape. (hint: out of his salary)
I say all this as spouse of a person who brought similarly sized problems to the marriage. Did I personally incur the debts? no. But it gets me/us NOWHERE to point that out. And to get in such trouble in the first place means a lot of emotions are involved, and pointing it out doesn't do anything to turn my spouse's emotional reactions from unhealthy to healthy.
Yes, I know. I had my initial reaction but have been talking with him this morning about how to fix it. I am normally a very supportive spouse which is possibly why he was so taken aback when I did not immediately inhabit that role. But I'm trying to be supportive and a team player and work on a solution.
Anonymous
01/06/2014 10:00
Subject: Apparently I made my husband feel like shit
Anonymous wrote:it is a tax lien?
the IRS is very very accommodating to people who are willing to pay.
call the IRS immediately and begin talking to them about a repayment plan. they will stretch payments out 6 or 7 years.
$30,000 is something they will do this for in a blink.
this is an easily solvable situation!
I will bring this option up to my husband. It may be that this is a better option than killing ourselves trying to pay this lien off in one go.
Anonymous
01/06/2014 09:59
Subject: Apparently I made my husband feel like shit
OP, your husband has a point. This was his problem and when you married him it became your mutual problem. You are entitled IMO to your initial response and he was entitled to say what he did, and now as the person with more psychological distance from the issue its's on you to be the bigger person and start solving this problem. Not just how to pay off the debt but how to get your savings back in shape. (hint: out of his salary)
I say all this as spouse of a person who brought similarly sized problems to the marriage. Did I personally incur the debts? no. But it gets me/us NOWHERE to point that out. And to get in such trouble in the first place means a lot of emotions are involved, and pointing it out doesn't do anything to turn my spouse's emotional reactions from unhealthy to healthy.
I say all this as spouse of a person who brought similarly sized problems to the marriage. Did I personally incur the debts? no. But it gets me/us NOWHERE to point that out. And to get in such trouble in the first place means a lot of emotions are involved, and pointing it out doesn't do anything to turn my spouse's emotional reactions from unhealthy to healthy.
Anonymous
01/06/2014 09:57
Subject: Apparently I made my husband feel like shit
Anonymous wrote:OP, your follow-up post is full of veaguaries. "I think" is riddled all over it. By this point you should *know*, what he thought and what he knew. Leans don't just disappear. If he got bad advice from a liscensed professional, you can work that problem, if nothing else have that person's liscense taken away. If he got bad advice from say his brother, then he's just an idiot. You need to do a few things. First, find out how much debt there is. Second, realize that the ex doesn't get off the hook. The creditor may never see his/her money, but no way does the ex get off scott free. I am concerned about a few things. First, your husband got bad tax advice, and now he seems to be getting bad legal advice. You have every right to shut that shit down. Second, yesterday is Sunday. How did this all come to light when finantial institutions are closed. I suspect your husband is hiding some facts from you. Finally, your husband is great at laying on the guilt, and it sounds like making you take on the sins of his ex. And, he's great at the creep, you knew about the debt in general but only now when you are married and have a life together do you learn of the full extent of it. You have every right to shut this all down and to be upset. Don't be abusive, but no way should you let this continue. Be part of any future discussions, going to the lawyer if need be. I'd not allow him to continue to treat you this way both in the drip of facts, the guilt trip and allowing him to say "we have to pay all this because my ex won't". None of this is ok.
The bad tax advice came from an accountant friend of the ex wife's father. He has since died. I'm not sure we can prove that he got bad tax advice or if it would even let him off the hook. The lawyer we are dealing with is a friend of our sister in laws and called my husband last night to discuss our options moving forward. We called in a favor hence him speaking with us on a Sunday night. It is not his legal advice to let the ex off the hook for her portion of the debt but it is very unlikely she will offer and my DH will not pursue her for money. As for other vagaries, I am no expert and am still getting my head around this and also did not necessarily post to get tax advice. Just a relationship vent.
Anonymous
01/06/2014 09:53
Subject: Apparently I made my husband feel like shit
it is a tax lien?
the IRS is very very accommodating to people who are willing to pay.
call the IRS immediately and begin talking to them about a repayment plan. they will stretch payments out 6 or 7 years.
$30,000 is something they will do this for in a blink.
this is an easily solvable situation!
the IRS is very very accommodating to people who are willing to pay.
call the IRS immediately and begin talking to them about a repayment plan. they will stretch payments out 6 or 7 years.
$30,000 is something they will do this for in a blink.
this is an easily solvable situation!
Anonymous
01/06/2014 09:51
Subject: Apparently I made my husband feel like shit
Anonymous wrote:If it is a lien, then the debt is secured by a real estate asset already, why must it be paid immediately?
I am involved in these kinds of things all the time and I don't really understand what the urgency is?
Can you please explain a little bit?
Also - as a man, I can tell you that I am sure he was feeling horrible about it before he told you, having beaten himself up and feeling like shit about it - probably assuming as well that he would have to deal with this all on his own. Your reaction, while natural, only made him feel more isolated and scared.
You're entitled to your reaction and he to yours...the key is coming back together after the dust settles.
Again - please explain?
Is the lien holder foreclosing on the property?
No there is no foreclosure. But the lien will expire in 2016. Our lawyer has advised us that 2 years out from this (2014), the file will come up for review at which point they will likely just reattach it and/or begin garnishing his wages to satisfy the lien. I have suggested we just let them take the house to satisfy the debt but the problem is there is almost no equity in the house which means once the bank was paid off, the irs would still not have gotten their money. In the meantime, this lien is tanking his credit and making it very hard to get security clearances which would be a big bonus for him to have what with his job. So no the lien does not necessarily have to be paid off this second but we worry about repercussions of just letting it renew when this one expires.
Anonymous
01/06/2014 09:51
Subject: Apparently I made my husband feel like shit
OP, your follow-up post is full of veaguaries. "I think" is riddled all over it. By this point you should *know*, what he thought and what he knew. Leans don't just disappear. If he got bad advice from a liscensed professional, you can work that problem, if nothing else have that person's liscense taken away. If he got bad advice from say his brother, then he's just an idiot. You need to do a few things. First, find out how much debt there is. Second, realize that the ex doesn't get off the hook. The creditor may never see his/her money, but no way does the ex get off scott free. I am concerned about a few things. First, your husband got bad tax advice, and now he seems to be getting bad legal advice. You have every right to shut that shit down. Second, yesterday is Sunday. How did this all come to light when finantial institutions are closed. I suspect your husband is hiding some facts from you. Finally, your husband is great at laying on the guilt, and it sounds like making you take on the sins of his ex. And, he's great at the creep, you knew about the debt in general but only now when you are married and have a life together do you learn of the full extent of it. You have every right to shut this all down and to be upset. Don't be abusive, but no way should you let this continue. Be part of any future discussions, going to the lawyer if need be. I'd not allow him to continue to treat you this way both in the drip of facts, the guilt trip and allowing him to say "we have to pay all this because my ex won't". None of this is ok.
Anonymous
01/06/2014 09:46
Subject: Apparently I made my husband feel like shit
If it is a lien, then the debt is secured by a real estate asset already, why must it be paid immediately?
I am involved in these kinds of things all the time and I don't really understand what the urgency is?
Can you please explain a little bit?
Also - as a man, I can tell you that I am sure he was feeling horrible about it before he told you, having beaten himself up and feeling like shit about it - probably assuming as well that he would have to deal with this all on his own. Your reaction, while natural, only made him feel more isolated and scared.
You're entitled to your reaction and he to yours...the key is coming back together after the dust settles.
Again - please explain?
Is the lien holder foreclosing on the property?
I am involved in these kinds of things all the time and I don't really understand what the urgency is?
Can you please explain a little bit?
Also - as a man, I can tell you that I am sure he was feeling horrible about it before he told you, having beaten himself up and feeling like shit about it - probably assuming as well that he would have to deal with this all on his own. Your reaction, while natural, only made him feel more isolated and scared.
You're entitled to your reaction and he to yours...the key is coming back together after the dust settles.
Again - please explain?
Is the lien holder foreclosing on the property?
Anonymous
01/06/2014 09:39
Subject: Apparently I made my husband feel like shit
Anonymous wrote:Ummm. . . You need to talk to a lawyer. She can't keep him from his kid. A lawyer could tell you if there was some way to keep the ex from getting half the property after you pay the lien. Why is he so worried about hurting her feelings? I can't believe that you would take money out of your retirement account to pay his ex's portion. You know you will be heavily penalized for that.
We have talked to a lawyer. He is not worried she will keep his kid from him but he has always been very wary of rocking the boat and making things acrimonious with her. I am unwilling to create problems in my marriage by insisting he engage in warfare with his ex. It's not worth it. I have figured it up and we will be penalized at about a 38% rate due to our tax bracket and the early withdrawal tax. Trust me, I am aware of how not ideal the option is. But we don't have another choice. The alternative is ignore the lien until it is refilled at which point they would likely look my husbands tax returns, see what he is making (considerably more than when the lien was put on the property) and begin moving to garnish wages to satisfy the lien. I would like to have some control over how the get our money and try to get out in front with an offer rather than wait for them to garnish money on THEIR terms.
It absolutely sucks. Hence my inability to muster enough enthusiasm to make sure he didn't feel like shit over it. It blows!
Anonymous
01/06/2014 09:34
Subject: Apparently I made my husband feel like shit
This. You already have a lawyer involved. You need to have them find out how to keep her from benefiting when you're the ones who are ponying up the money to fix this mess.
Anonymous
01/06/2014 09:15
Subject: Apparently I made my husband feel like shit
Ummm. . . You need to talk to a lawyer. She can't keep him from his kid. A lawyer could tell you if there was some way to keep the ex from getting half the property after you pay the lien. Why is he so worried about hurting her feelings? I can't believe that you would take money out of your retirement account to pay his ex's portion. You know you will be heavily penalized for that.