Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my god, INCREDIBLY important! I would NEVER ship my kids off to a foreign country to live within a different culture and with people who are strangers to them after I died! They would be going through way too much trauma to have their world turned upside down and be ripped away from EVERYTHING familiar to them.

The west coast isn't really a foreign country.

Two Boston matrons were visiting Los Angeles when one remarked that it was "awfully hot today."

"Well, my dear," replied the other. "You must remember that we are fully three thousand miles from the ocean."

OP here. I appreciate the feedback. Interesting to see how others have approached this.

Anonymous wrote:A bit off-tangent, but I have a question for those who designated friends as guardians as opposed to relatives.

Is it even legal?

As I understood from reading a thread on this board a couple of weeks ago, you can 'designate' whomever you want in your will, but there's no guarantee that your wish will be granted, and that judges still prefer to appoint blood relatives as caregivers, unless they are seriously 'unfit'.

The lawyers we consulted never said a word about this. They struck me as competent professionals so I'm assuming they would have mentioned this if it were likely to happen.

The greatest concern for me is this: I was told that in DC, if both parents die, Child services can only hold children for a few days if they know grandma is coming from Europe (in my case) to claim the children. If no relative shows up in a short time, kids go into foster care and even grandma must then go through the full vetting process before she can claim the kids (takes months!). Therefore, it is important to name your guardians in your will and register the will so that child services can find and notify those people.
Seriously, this is my nightmare, I need to finally follow the foregoing advice.

For us, selecting a guardian that my kids know and trust was the most important factor. We have had two instances of both parents dying when kids were young in our families so it is something that was important to sort out as soon as our first DC was born.

I don't think it needs to be a relative (our second choice was DH's best friend and his wife) but I do think they need to know the kids. If they are local, even better, but that is not always possible. I have two sisters--one who lives closer to Baltimore and one who lives several states away. My local sister (our selected guardian) has two kids already and we see them all the time. My other sister is single and wealthy and although she loves my kids and sees them at least once a year, they don't really know her like they do my local sister. Keeping the kids in as much of a routine as possible was important to us. But we also have other local family here so if their support network will be larger if they move across the country, that is something to consider.

Anonymous wrote:I find it interesting that people are talking about potential guardians who may decline the role. We had very serious conversations with our picks to make sure they would be up for the job and to know that they would be well provided for financially with our life insurance policies. Don't you talk to them about it in advance?

Of course we did. How do you know what is or isn't going on behind the scenes?

It is something you have to balance.

Life outside of DC is totally different from the rest of the world.

My children's guardian lives in the midwest. Yes, it will totally rock their world, but so will losing both their parents. But I know that they are the best guardian for them. Yes, we only see them once every few years, but
I'm hoping not to die and I joke that if they move to the midwest they can get into Virginia colleges more easily! (and with dead parents they will be well funded for the out of state tuition).

Anonymous wrote:I think it's an easier transition for them if it's some one they already know and regularly spend time with but if that's not possible in your situation, then I'd go with whomever I trust most to responsibly and lovingly raise my children.

The importance of an established relationship is why the first go-to for foster care is kinship care. If something happens to mom & dad, it's a lot less traumatic to go stay with grandma than with a stranger. But if your parents & siblings aren't around or not trustworthy, then you know you have to pick some one else.

I agree that the role does not have to go to a relative. Even if parents and siblings are "around and trustworthy" they may not be the best choices. My brother and his fiancée are adamantly childless by choice, which is fine, but I would never in a million years want them raising my child for a host of reasons. They love their niece to bits in a twice-a-year-one-day-visit way, and know zilch about how kids think or what kids need (especially discipline).

A very important issue for us right now is that our child is nearly 13. When she was born we made a dear friend her guardian, and that friend still has the terrific values that would make her a wonderful guardian, but daughter hasn't seen that friend in a few years due to geographic distance (several hours), and living with that friend would mean moving to a very, very different area, local culture, school system, everything. Daughter would lose her entire network of support including old family friends here, and while that wasn't an issue when she was a baby or younger child, now, in middle school, it would only rip her up. So I am going to talk with husband about changing guardianship to a local, close friend who could do the job fine for the six years between now and college (and whom our child sees much more than the friend who lives farther away). With the kid being older, I think it's a different equation than when a kid is very young.

OP, not sure of your child's age, but that could make a difference in the decision and could be reason to change it later. If you died when your child was in middle or high school it would be very tough to pull your child out and make him or her move cross-country and lose all school friends, neighborhood connections, activities that provided supportive adults and friends, etc. A baby or toddler will be rocked by the change, of course, but can adapt in ways that would be far tougher for an older kid.

I find it interesting that people are talking about potential guardians who may decline the role. We had very serious conversations with our picks to make sure they would be up for the job and to know that they would be well provided for financially with our life insurance policies. Don't you talk to them about it in advance?

I think it's an easier transition for them if it's some one they already know and regularly spend time with but if that's not possible in your situation, then I'd go with whomever I trust most to responsibly and lovingly raise my children.

The importance of an established relationship is why the first go-to for foster care is kinship care. If something happens to mom & dad, it's a lot less traumatic to go stay with grandma than with a stranger. But if your parents & siblings aren't around or not trustworthy, then you know you have to pick some one else.