Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here I sent the nice message suggested and got back:

"It's your loss, you won't find better"

Yeah, red flags folks...

Kudos on sending the message, but those flags aren't very red. He's just showing he has self respect. What should he have said in this situation, something self derogatory, like "good move on your part, I'm a total ass clown"?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes....send the message. Make it unambiguous. Some people want things to work out, and will read anything that can be used to let down easily as a a chance. Some of these people are simply naive. Watch the romantic comedies: how many started when she blows him off, but they end up together (e.g., When Harry Met Sally).

I know. I am a male, and when in college, I misread the social cues, and did not realize I was stalking a girl. She was totally freaked out by me -- and I thought I was doing romantic things. She never said no. She said things like, "I am busy then." This was before rampant electronic communications...So I arranged to run into her. One day, the campus police talked to me. My only defense was that she never said no....only not today. I thought she was hinting at me. I apologized to her (through the police). I saw her once after that, about 2 years later, as I was leaving Blacksburg for the last time (at the gas station). She said hi, and that was it....or was it an opening . I have no idea where she lives, nor do I care.

My point is guys often get mixed messages...some women want to be pursued...hard to get. There is a line between stalking and romance. It is a fine line. It has to be drawn unambiguosly. "I am not interested in going out with you. "

So you were young and naive and we live in a culture that likes to pretend this is a fine line ... but no, it's not. There's not a fine line between stalking and romance, and women don't need to draw that line unambiguously. Men need to realize (and need to be taught--because you're right, there are a lot of messages to the contrary in movies and other cultural narratives)--but everyone needs to realize that "romance" involves enthusiastic consent. You need to hear a pretty clear "yes please."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here I sent the nice message suggested and got back:

"It's your loss, you won't find better"

Yeah, red flags folks...

Kudos on sending the message, but those flags aren't very red. He's just showing he has self respect. What should he have said in this situation, something self derogatory, like "good move on your part, I'm a total ass clown"?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here I sent the nice message suggested and got back:

"It's your loss, you won't find better"

Yeah, red flags folks...

Kudos on sending the message, but those flags aren't very red. He's just showing he has self respect. What should he have said in this situation, something self derogatory, like "good move on your part, I'm a total ass clown"?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes....send the message. Make it unambiguous. Some people want things to work out, and will read anything that can be used to let down easily as a a chance. Some of these people are simply naive. Watch the romantic comedies: how many started when she blows him off, but they end up together (e.g., When Harry Met Sally).

I know. I am a male, and when in college, I misread the social cues, and did not realize I was stalking a girl. She was totally freaked out by me -- and I thought I was doing romantic things. She never said no. She said things like, "I am busy then." This was before rampant electronic communications...So I arranged to run into her. One day, the campus police talked to me. My only defense was that she never said no....only not today. I thought she was hinting at me. I apologized to her (through the police). I saw her once after that, about 2 years later, as I was leaving Blacksburg for the last time (at the gas station). She said hi, and that was it....or was it an opening . I have no idea where she lives, nor do I care.

My point is guys often get mixed messages...some women want to be pursued...hard to get. There is a line between stalking and romance. It is a fine line. It has to be drawn unambiguosly. "I am not interested in going out with you. "

So you were young and naive and we live in a culture that likes to pretend this is a fine line ... but no, it's not. There's not a fine line between stalking and romance, and women don't need to draw that line unambiguously. Men need to realize (and need to be taught--because you're right, there are a lot of messages to the contrary in movies and other cultural narratives)--but everyone needs to realize that "romance" involves enthusiastic consent. You need to hear a pretty clear "yes please."

Not really, i like to say until she's called the cops on you, you still got a shot.

Many guys (like my dad) get women who were not into them from the very beginning.

A girl texted me "i am not interested in pursuing this any further". I liked her directness.

Many women claim they have a "stalker" to feed their own ego.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes....send the message. Make it unambiguous. Some people want things to work out, and will read anything that can be used to let down easily as a a chance. Some of these people are simply naive. Watch the romantic comedies: how many started when she blows him off, but they end up together (e.g., When Harry Met Sally).

I know. I am a male, and when in college, I misread the social cues, and did not realize I was stalking a girl. She was totally freaked out by me -- and I thought I was doing romantic things. She never said no. She said things like, "I am busy then." This was before rampant electronic communications...So I arranged to run into her. One day, the campus police talked to me. My only defense was that she never said no....only not today. I thought she was hinting at me. I apologized to her (through the police). I saw her once after that, about 2 years later, as I was leaving Blacksburg for the last time (at the gas station). She said hi, and that was it....or was it an opening . I have no idea where she lives, nor do I care.

My point is guys often get mixed messages...some women want to be pursued...hard to get. There is a line between stalking and romance. It is a fine line. It has to be drawn unambiguosly. "I am not interested in going out with you. "

So you were young and naive and we live in a culture that likes to pretend this is a fine line ... but no, it's not. There's not a fine line between stalking and romance, and women don't need to draw that line unambiguously. Men need to realize (and need to be taught--because you're right, there are a lot of messages to the contrary in movies and other cultural narratives)--but everyone needs to realize that "romance" involves enthusiastic consent. You need to hear a pretty clear "yes please."

Not really, i like to say until she's called the cops on you, you still got a shot.

Many guys (like my dad) get women who were not into them from the very beginning.

A girl texted me "i am not interested in pursuing this any further". I liked her directness.

Many women claim they have a "stalker" to feed their own ego.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:fade to black

totally normal and acceptable

No. It's awful. Don't do this.

AWFUL?

after one date?

come on. you go on a date. the other person calls/texts/emails and gets no response. they might send one more after that...and then its done.

three or four dates? definitely need some clarity.

Anonymous wrote:OP here I sent the nice message suggested and got back:

"It's your loss, you won't find better"

Yeah, red flags folks...

Anonymous wrote:well, OP is on here asking advice about stuff that is dating 101. its almost as if she has never done this before.

perhaps he is somewhat right even though he came off like an idiot

i mean, who needs to ask this question these days who isn't 14 years old or been living in a cave for 20 years?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here I sent the nice message suggested and got back:

"It's your loss, you won't find better"

Yeah, red flags folks...

Yes, red flags!

Now is the time to stop all contact if he tries to continue it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes....send the message. Make it unambiguous. Some people want things to work out, and will read anything that can be used to let down easily as a a chance. Some of these people are simply naive. Watch the romantic comedies: how many started when she blows him off, but they end up together (e.g., When Harry Met Sally).

I know. I am a male, and when in college, I misread the social cues, and did not realize I was stalking a girl. She was totally freaked out by me -- and I thought I was doing romantic things. She never said no. She said things like, "I am busy then." This was before rampant electronic communications...So I arranged to run into her. One day, the campus police talked to me. My only defense was that she never said no....only not today. I thought she was hinting at me. I apologized to her (through the police). I saw her once after that, about 2 years later, as I was leaving Blacksburg for the last time (at the gas station). She said hi, and that was it....or was it an opening . I have no idea where she lives, nor do I care.

My point is guys often get mixed messages...some women want to be pursued...hard to get. There is a line between stalking and romance. It is a fine line. It has to be drawn unambiguosly. "I am not interested in going out with you. "

So you were young and naive and we live in a culture that likes to pretend this is a fine line ... but no, it's not. There's not a fine line between stalking and romance, and women don't need to draw that line unambiguously. Men need to realize (and need to be taught--because you're right, there are a lot of messages to the contrary in movies and other cultural narratives)--but everyone needs to realize that "romance" involves enthusiastic consent. You need to hear a pretty clear "yes please."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:fade to black

totally normal and acceptable

No. It's awful. Don't do this.

AWFUL?

after one date?

come on. you go on a date. the other person calls/texts/emails and gets no response. they might send one more after that...and then its done.

three or four dates? definitely need some clarity.

Anonymous wrote:OP here I sent the nice message suggested and got back:

"It's your loss, you won't find better"

Yeah, red flags folks...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes....send the message. Make it unambiguous. Some people want things to work out, and will read anything that can be used to let down easily as a a chance. Some of these people are simply naive. Watch the romantic comedies: how many started when she blows him off, but they end up together (e.g., When Harry Met Sally).

I know. I am a male, and when in college, I misread the social cues, and did not realize I was stalking a girl. She was totally freaked out by me -- and I thought I was doing romantic things. She never said no. She said things like, "I am busy then." This was before rampant electronic communications...So I arranged to run into her. One day, the campus police talked to me. My only defense was that she never said no....only not today. I thought she was hinting at me. I apologized to her (through the police). I saw her once after that, about 2 years later, as I was leaving Blacksburg for the last time (at the gas station). She said hi, and that was it....or was it an opening . I have no idea where she lives, nor do I care.

My point is guys often get mixed messages...some women want to be pursued...hard to get. There is a line between stalking and romance. It is a fine line. It has to be drawn unambiguosly. "I am not interested in going out with you. "

So you were young and naive and we live in a culture that likes to pretend this is a fine line ... but no, it's not. There's not a fine line between stalking and romance, and women don't need to draw that line unambiguously. Men need to realize (and need to be taught--because you're right, there are a lot of messages to the contrary in movies and other cultural narratives)--but everyone needs to realize that "romance" involves enthusiastic consent. You need to hear a pretty clear "yes please."

Here is where you are wrong. Many people have told me not now, and meant maybe later. If you say not now, I have to study for this test, and I can't thing about it....I can interpret it as maybe later. If you say no. I am not interested, there is no ambiguity. Or to put it another way, when you report a stalking incident to the police, and they find out that you have never told him no, they can not do much. In my case, they talked to me, and they said no for her, but that is not their job.

Yes please is ideal...would you like to go out...yes please, but how about after my mid term.

Otherwise, you are asking for trouble. (I am not saying it is the woman's fault, only that things can be misinterpreted).

It is not that hard. No means no, but it helps to say no. Maybe means maybe.

Anonymous wrote:well, OP is on here asking advice about stuff that is dating 101. its almost as if she has never done this before.

perhaps he is somewhat right even though he came off like an idiot

i mean, who needs to ask this question these days who isn't 14 years old or been living in a cave for 20 years?