OP, you're allowed to feel the way you feel and aren't a jerk for doing so at all. I have tons of extended family in the area but didn't spend time with them when I was younger and really regret that now because they're all good friends with each other on top of being family and I don't click the same way with them.

I do have a very close main family and spend a lot of time together which is great, otherwise I would definitely feel how you do.

I love "orphan" holidays--find the people who can't make it home for the holidays/are students or visiting from a foreign country, etc. and host them. None of the family drama and all of the holiday spirit!

I am an only child and mother to an only child. DH's sibling and her three kids are not close to us in any form. My mom died 20 years ago and never knew her granddaughter. My dad remarried and spends WAY more time with his step grandchildren than his own actual granddaughter.

Ive decided to put aside my personal sadness about many family things and teach my daughter to choose friends wisely. Ive lowered all expectations of family to a minimum. If I had four kids, I might focus on making sure they learn to treat each other well and with the unconditional love as described by the previous poster. It seems you have a good way to refocus from what is missing to what you can instill and create within your family.

Your vision of what could have been might still be, just in the future, and with your kids.

Enjoy your christmas!

Hi, OP. I understand what you mean. I grew up with only one sibling but a large extended family that gathered yearly for boisterous fun at Christmas.

Focus on the fact that you have your own boisterous fun inside your own house, and as a PP said, you will be the grandmother with the house full of chaos and love in another 25yrs. We have an only for a number of reasons, and I occasionally feel badly for her that she won't experience that yet I know that her holidays will be filled with love and fun just on a smaller scale.

Merry Christmas to you!

Anonymous wrote:I have the same feelings, especially around holidays. Watching Christmas movies and seeing the house full of people for parties. Or hearing about large gatherings at a beach or lake house during the summer with tons of kids running around.

But I know the downsides of a larger extended family, especially if you all live near each other, is the never-ending obligations to participate in family events.

Still though, I long for it. I think it's only natural because like anything else, life is more fun when experienced with other people.

Here are the downsides of extended family: interfamily competition and pettiness; having a hard time remembering the names of people you only see for weddings, funerals and reunions; the creepy lech uncles with drinking problems; instead of one blow hard BIL, you have dozens, often with vastly different political philosophies from yours and materialistic, showy wives, if any; I could go on and on.

Believe me: this is one of the many reasons your sibs on mine chose NOT to have kids. They want to enjoy the holidays. Even same generation siblings suffer from IL problems and decades-long sibling rivalry.

Focus instead on teaching your kids to love each other unconditionally. That's the meaning of the holiday.

Merry Christmas.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have four kids and a husband, that is a critical mass. Your loneliness is not about numbers. What is it you think an extended family will provide that you don't have?

I agress that the loneliness is something different going on. However as someone with a huge local family, there is quote a lot my extended family gives me. The way we support each other is tremendous. No child has ever been I daycare, no bill unpaid, no illness gone without care, no one grows old alone and in a nursing home, no divorce unsupported, and we pull our resources to help each other. We have a CPA, doctors, mechanic, electrician, and a financial planner. All of the cousins are growing up with a huge advantage in life and a head start

My brother lost hos job amd had a period of long unemployment. We all pool together and paid his mortgage. He would have lost his home otherwise. I know he would do the same for the rest of us.

Dont underestimate the power of a loving and supportive extended family.

This is OP. Your last line is a really good point. I think you hit the nail on the head in terms of what I am missing. We have had some significant (nuclear) family crises for which my own (birth) family was not present nor helpful. Friends stepped up thank God. So this issue extends way beyond the holidays.
Hopefully my own children will be there for each other as my husband and I age.

OP, please make sure you are realistic about the role that your children may or not have in your and each other's lives as they grow up. I have two siblings and while we'd of course be there for each other if something serious happened to one of us or our parents, we don't have that much in common, have our own lives and don't see each other that often.

I hope you didn't have kids solely to make up for your lack of extended family and expect them to provide you with lots of grandkids. It's stressful to have your parents pressure you to stay close to them, get married, have kids, etc. to fill some void in their own lives. I know because my parents did that to me. Just be mindful of that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have four kids and a husband, that is a critical mass. Your loneliness is not about numbers. What is it you think an extended family will provide that you don't have?

I agress that the loneliness is something different going on. However as someone with a huge local family, there is quote a lot my extended family gives me. The way we support each other is tremendous. No child has ever been I daycare, no bill unpaid, no illness gone without care, no one grows old alone and in a nursing home, no divorce unsupported, and we pull our resources to help each other. We have a CPA, doctors, mechanic, electrician, and a financial planner. All of the cousins are growing up with a huge advantage in life and a head start

My brother lost hos job amd had a period of long unemployment. We all pool together and paid his mortgage. He would have lost his home otherwise. I know he would do the same for the rest of us.

Dont underestimate the power of a loving and supportive extended family.

This is OP. Your last line is a really good point. I think you hit the nail on the head in terms of what I am missing. We have had some significant (nuclear) family crises for which my own (birth) family was not present nor helpful. Friends stepped up thank God. So this issue extends way beyond the holidays.
Hopefully my own children will be there for each other as my husband and I age.