Anonymous
Post 12/18/2013 11:38     Subject: Re:Husband plans going to a strip club but telling me he isn't
Anonymous wrote:
Look, OP. You need to talk to your husband honestly. Right now, you are mad at him for concealing something from you, while you are concealing from him that you know about it. Your "trying to give him an out" is manipulative and also dishonest. Why can't you just say, look, I saw the emails and I'm upset that you volunteered not to go and are now saying that you'll have to lie about where you were? Why is that such a hard thing for you? Be an adult. Deal with this like adults.


I was trying not to be controlling and give him a reason to resent me. I was trying to let him know that even though I still don't like it I understand if he feels pressured into it but I would just rather know. Because even though it bothers me I know it's not the end of the world if he goes. However, that isn't the case so I am going to have to just talk to him and tell him what I know. That was my first instinct but I was trying to let it go that it bothers me so much if he goes.


You were trying to be something other than honest about how you feel about the situation. Your feelings are totally justified. I would be upset as well. That said, you should have talked to him about it when you first found out he was lying, rather than trying to give him an opportunity to tell the truth.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2013 11:37     Subject: Husband plans going to a strip club but telling me he isn't
Is is cheating if the stripper rubs her breasts on my face? There is no other touching otherwise.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2013 11:36     Subject: Husband plans going to a strip club but telling me he isn't
OP, I sympathize. I think that strip clubs are disrespectful in certain contexts, although I have been myself. I had a bigger problem with my DH possibly doing it before his wedding then him going to his stupid friends' bachelor parties, though. The reasons why men go for bachelor parties are incredibly immature and disrespectful. And I have heard from many guy friends that some messed up shit happens — think groom getting a handjob or blowjob. The issue here is the lying... he's going to lie to you whenever he wants to do something you don't want him to do instead of coming to you with his problem. I get it that guys are under a lot of pressure, but he could have come to you saying that his hands were tied as he's the best man and the groom wants to go to a strip club. Then you would have to compromise somehow, but hiding it from you is a problem.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2013 11:33     Subject: Husband plans going to a strip club but telling me he isn't
Anonymous wrote:I'd be more concerned getting a stripper or prostitute in their hotel room than I'd be about a stripper at a club. There is no touching at these places, for the most part without paying. Yes, a lap dance could be 20 bucks and he might have some sleeze on his lap - handjob, blowjob or sex - if offered - is not likely in my experience.

Well then your experience hasn't been anything like my guy friends' experiences.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2013 11:31     Subject: Husband plans going to a strip club but telling me he isn't
I would have lied to the OP too as opposed to telling her the truth - she sounds emotionally exhausting.
I'm sure her husband is at that point where he is prepared to go above and beyond in terms of lying and hiding things in order to keep her quiet.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2013 11:26     Subject: Re:Husband plans going to a strip club but telling me he isn't
Look, OP. You need to talk to your husband honestly. Right now, you are mad at him for concealing something from you, while you are concealing from him that you know about it. Your "trying to give him an out" is manipulative and also dishonest. Why can't you just say, look, I saw the emails and I'm upset that you volunteered not to go and are now saying that you'll have to lie about where you were? Why is that such a hard thing for you? Be an adult. Deal with this like adults.


I was trying not to be controlling and give him a reason to resent me. I was trying to let him know that even though I still don't like it I understand if he feels pressured into it but I would just rather know. Because even though it bothers me I know it's not the end of the world if he goes. However, that isn't the case so I am going to have to just talk to him and tell him what I know. That was my first instinct but I was trying to let it go that it bothers me so much if he goes.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2013 11:21     Subject: Re:Husband plans going to a strip club but telling me he isn't
So, talk to him. "DH, I saw this email. I was really hurt that you lied to me. What's going on here?"

If he brings up the snooping, say "you're right, and that's a conversation I'm willing to have. But I want to talk about the lying first."


OP here. I think it's going to have to be something like this. I want to wait until I see him face to face after work though first. And as far as the snooping, he doesn't really have any room to talk because he read my texts between my daughter and I and got mad at me for something a few months back! lol

And I know strip clubs don't bother everyone, I wish it didn't bother me. But he even says he doesn't like them. But, it bothers me to be sitting at home big and pregnant with a toddler and him looking at naked women with his friends. It just does. and I am obviously not alone in feeling like that. But like we've all said, the lying is the real issue. I tried to give him a reason not to lie and maybe he just doesn't believe that I won't freak out or doesn't want to hurt me and figures I just won't find out but, not the case.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2013 11:16     Subject: Husband plans going to a strip club but telling me he isn't
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Well, to me a lap dance, blow job or stripper is bad enough and off limits. The email was specific. One friend asked how the bach party plans were going. Husband said groom wants a cabin in WV. Friend said yeah, lets get f'ed up and gamble, husband said groom also mentioned choice clubs in the area (WV) and specifically said "unclothed lady type clubs" Friend said "perfect" Husband said "gotta keep the clubs on the way way down low though.

Yes, lying and distrust is a recipe for disaster. I believed him until I read that.


Look, OP. You need to talk to your husband honestly. Right now, you are mad at him for concealing something from you, while you are concealing from him that you know about it. Your "trying to give him an out" is manipulative and also dishonest. Why can't you just say, look, I saw the emails and I'm upset that you volunteered not to go and are now saying that you'll have to lie about where you were? Why is that such a hard thing for you? Be an adult. Deal with this like adults.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2013 11:16     Subject: Husband plans going to a strip club but telling me he isn't
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Well, to me a lap dance, blow job or stripper is bad enough and off limits. The email was specific. One friend asked how the bach party plans were going. Husband said groom wants a cabin in WV. Friend said yeah, lets get f'ed up and gamble, husband said groom also mentioned choice clubs in the area (WV) and specifically said "unclothed lady type clubs" Friend said "perfect" Husband said "gotta keep the clubs on the way way down low though.

Yes, lying and distrust is a recipe for disaster. I believed him until I read that.


Have you never seen another naked person? I know the lying is the problem here but what exactly do you think is going to happen in a club setting? Just be on the lookout for large cash withdrawls from your bank or several small ones - if he is going to pay for extra services he'll be doing it in cash. Again, I don't think anyone is having sex at these places.


Her ex cheated on her so I understand the distrust there. But I'll say it again, if your DH is going to cheat on you he's going to do it regardless of whether or not a stripper is involved. I really recommend therapy.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2013 11:12     Subject: Husband plans going to a strip club but telling me he isn't
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Well, to me a lap dance, blow job or stripper is bad enough and off limits. The email was specific. One friend asked how the bach party plans were going. Husband said groom wants a cabin in WV. Friend said yeah, lets get f'ed up and gamble, husband said groom also mentioned choice clubs in the area (WV) and specifically said "unclothed lady type clubs" Friend said "perfect" Husband said "gotta keep the clubs on the way way down low though.

Yes, lying and distrust is a recipe for disaster. I believed him until I read that.


Have you never seen another naked person? I know the lying is the problem here but what exactly do you think is going to happen in a club setting? Just be on the lookout for large cash withdrawls from your bank or several small ones - if he is going to pay for extra services he'll be doing it in cash. Again, I don't think anyone is having sex at these places.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2013 11:10     Subject: Re:Husband plans going to a strip club but telling me he isn't
So, talk to him. "DH, I saw this email. I was really hurt that you lied to me. What's going on here?"

If he brings up the snooping, say "you're right, and that's a conversation I'm willing to have. But I want to talk about the lying first."
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2013 11:06     Subject: Husband plans going to a strip club but telling me he isn't
OP here. Well, to me a lap dance, blow job or stripper is bad enough and off limits. The email was specific. One friend asked how the bach party plans were going. Husband said groom wants a cabin in WV. Friend said yeah, lets get f'ed up and gamble, husband said groom also mentioned choice clubs in the area (WV) and specifically said "unclothed lady type clubs" Friend said "perfect" Husband said "gotta keep the clubs on the way way down low though.

Yes, lying and distrust is a recipe for disaster. I believed him until I read that.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2013 10:59     Subject: Husband plans going to a strip club but telling me he isn't
I'd be more concerned getting a stripper or prostitute in their hotel room than I'd be about a stripper at a club. There is no touching at these places, for the most part without paying. Yes, a lap dance could be 20 bucks and he might have some sleeze on his lap - handjob, blowjob or sex - if offered - is not likely in my experience.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2013 10:58     Subject: Husband plans going to a strip club but telling me he isn't
Anonymous wrote:Op here. No, he has not cheated on me. My first husband did though. We are both jealous of other people somewhat and both realize these are our own insecurities. But like I said, it's mutual at least. Ok, I went the route of "I trust you and I realize you'll be under pressure, etc. But I'd rather you be honest with me and just tell me and I realize these are my own insecurities, etc" But he just keeps insisting it isn't on the itinerary. I am trying to give him an out here! I think I might have to call him out and talk to him and tell him what I know because it bothers me tremendously. I don't think it's too much to ask for him to skip that part either. What's worse is he volunteered that he would and is now lying about it even being in the plans. i am going to be nice about it and not a bitch but I think I need to confront him. I understand why he is lied in the first place but now I am telling him he doesn't need to but he still is.


Hmm well what exactly did the email say? Was it "groom wants to go to X strip club?" "There is X strip club nearby" "heard Spearmint Rhino is awesome" or "we'll have dinner, hit the strip club, head to the casino and drink?" I can see how he might be trying to be evasive if it was one of the first 2, especially since the plans are set yet and they don't even have a date. Either way, just confront him. Say you saw the email and judge his reaction from there. Honestly though, the whole insecurities, tight leashes, distrust, lying, etc is a recipe for disaster, especially with a baby. Have you two thought about couples therapy?
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2013 10:55     Subject: Husband plans going to a strip club but telling me he isn't
Op here. No, he has not cheated on me. My first husband did though. We are both jealous of other people somewhat and both realize these are our own insecurities. But like I said, it's mutual at least. Ok, I went the route of "I trust you and I realize you'll be under pressure, etc. But I'd rather you be honest with me and just tell me and I realize these are my own insecurities, etc" But he just keeps insisting it isn't on the itinerary. I am trying to give him an out here! I think I might have to call him out and talk to him and tell him what I know because it bothers me tremendously. I don't think it's too much to ask for him to skip that part either. What's worse is he volunteered that he would and is now lying about it even being in the plans. i am going to be nice about it and not a bitch but I think I need to confront him. I understand why he is lied in the first place but now I am telling him he doesn't need to but he still is.