Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sympathetic but I gotta say, when you first posted I assumed there was abuse or something much more serious than trash talk. There are a lot of lousy inlaws who say a lot of lousy things to and about their kids' spouses. I don't think I'd cut off my spouse's parents, or block contact between my kids and my grandparents, unless there was a more imminent danger than just some intrusive, overly opinionated older people. Your reaction sounds really extreme (obviously this is a response to what you've described, without knowing any of the specifics.)

Anonymous wrote:do I keep them? Return them? Donate them? Send a thank you? Ignore them?

We've been on bad terms with my in-laws for many years because they have no idea how to respect boundaries (see above). We recently moved, but I guess FIL got our address from a non-estranged family member. Which, whatever. But sending gifts to my kids when you're not even in a position to call them? That feels really invasive and rude, in the same way that a lot of FIL's behavior has been disrespectful of the boundaries Husband and I have set (clearly, in writing, repeatedly).

I was raised to send a thank you card when I receive a gift, and I feel a bit obligated, but part of me wants to ignore the jerk as this seems really manipulative.

Advice?

Anonymous wrote:So...because you and your DH have problems with the in-laws, you would deny them the opportunity to give a gift to their grandchildren and show that they love them? You are as bad as you say they are.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the feedback.

Backstory about the estrangement: The in-laws have been actively trying to separate husband and I from the beginning. MIL is a control freak, and nobody will ever be good enough for her boy. Sadly, I am not the first woman to have to endure her special brand of nutty. Husband and I eloped, which gave MIL fits. There has been lots of trash-talking me to other family members, which led to multiple short-term estrangements over the past several years. Despite having told the in-laws repeatedly to go away, etc., they have always reopened communication with a phone call or email to husband. Things are usually okay for a few months, then they start the same crap again. Lots of toxic talk about how I'm crazy/dangerous/abusive, none of which is even remotely true. If it were, and if they truly believed I was a threat to my own spouse and/or children, I hope they'd call CPS or the police. Of course, they've never done that because they know it's nonsense. It's just attempts at character assassination to help MIL feel better about the way she tries to control my spouse. I disagree that he's her property; that just sounds creepy to me.

I see a counselor regularly for help with my less-than-admirable traits (normal human stuff; nothing particularly interesting), and for help with the stress of coping with crazy in-laws. I have tried to be supportive of my spouse and have encouraged him to maintain contact with his family, at least in a limited way, because they're his family, shitty though they may be. That's why this has dragged on for years. However, when the in-laws took to trash talking me to my own child during a visit over the summer, husband and I drew the line. They're aware that they've been completely cut off and they're aware of why. We had to block their numbers from our phones, block their emails, etc. due to the onslaught of "your wife is evil" nonsense we were both receiving (they were notified that this was about to happen, and then again when it actually happened). In-laws are recently divorced, estranged from husband's 2 siblings, and a heap of hot mess. Fascinatingly, they're both mental health professionals!

While I would love to "be the bigger person" (again) and "turn the other cheek" (again), I know where that has led us. Husband and I are on the same page: we're done with this nonsense. I don't feel like sending unwelcome gifts to my kids is appropriate under these circumstances, and it comes off as very pushy, manipulative and a violation of the boundaries husband and I clearly created for our family. It's like a creepy ex sending presents. Eww.

As for having grandparents for our children, we have "chosen family" and I volunteer with seniors, so we've no shortage of doting elders sharing stories of the past. Sad that the biological grandparents are a bit crap, but they're adults and can decide for themselves whether or not they want to behave like same.

I just need to decide what to do with these damn presents!

Anonymous wrote:Give then to your children and send a thank you.

My belief and I know others wont agree is that your parents own you, literally. Of course it's not your parents it's your husbands but his parents are in charge of him for life. Just my belief you don't live for yourself you live for your parents. They are the ones who decided he should be alive they created him.

Anonymous wrote:Those gifts come with lots of strings. Don't send a thank you if you keep it. I would send a thank you note to anyone under the sun except I personally would donate them. You give away a reminder of all the horrible memories and hopefully you put a smile on a child's face.

Your kids will not be scarred by an estrangement from an abusive family member. They may wonder, but once they are old enough to know, they learn that people have a right to set boundaries if a relationship is toxic.