At some point your son will become "his own man". Not sure what that will look like. Different with every young man. Hope it won't be fiery. Encourage as much fun/hobbies/joy for father & son to share - since it sounds like your husband's strictness creates stress in the household. You son is about more than academics.

Maybe he will want to code one day. For now he just wants to play games not create them.

Get him into computer science extracurriculars. More screen time that way and it may get Dad's respect.

I meant, "but what can be done on a screen"

Thanks, PP. DH travels constantly but he is tough on son when he's home. DH does not feel torn as I do: he thinks the restrictions are the only way to go. I am left to enforce the rules we set together as a family, whether I personally endorse them or not. But since my son has gotten to the point where he is not interested in anything but what can be done on computer, it makes for a tough time for all.

Anonymous wrote:Take the door off the hinges.

If you need to take apart your house in order to raise your children, why not go all the way? Get rid of your house and live in a tent with no electricity. Screen time will no longer an issue.

I wouldn't ever tie anything to grades unless you personally know the grade distribution in each class, and have strong knowledge of where your child's ability falls on the bell curve. I'm guessing you can't do this. Truly, some classes a "C" may mean the student did their best (lots of C's in the class) How will you know?

It's not your fault with the Gameboy. No damage is done. I am assuming your husband is not dealing with this issue day-in-and-day out? I'm guessing whatever you are controlling won't last beyond the next 2 years? Maybe you can get-through-it but I feel your pain. And I bet your husband doesn't feel the same pain. Moms are left with being the enforcers.

Take the door off the hinges.

OP here. All true. He apologized for slamming doors and is using his three hours of non-school-day screentime this morning but I am as confounded as ever.

I am caught between two ideas and struggling to know which is the right course. We have always had restrictions (3 hours screentime on weekends/summer days and 1 hour when homework done.) With these restrictions at least he mostly did the homework so it seemed to help him succeed.

OTOH, it could be that the restrictions are conditioning him (Pavlovian-style) to want only the video games and nothing else. In which case we should remove all restrictions and let him find his own mojo to succeed. He is 14, after all.

The intermediate course that was suggested: base it on grades, seems like an appropriate compromise, but no. If we based screentime freedom on his getting good grades, that would put us quickly back in the restrictive zone (he is smart but experience has shown he will not do the homework).

DH and I have been worrying over this quandary for YEARS. DH believes in the restrictions, I support the freedom. I rue the day we got a toddler a Gameboy, but now the damage is done and I don't know what is the right course. Are there any studies on this phenomenon?

His success in staying on task and completing challenging schoolwork will be dependent on the degree of his self control and intrinsic motivation. I don't think you can make it happen (to the degree you are trying) But I also don't think you are doing any harm - except to yourself.I t's frustrating for you. In the long run, I don't think it will matter. The kind of student he is - out of your sight - is something to consider. You have less control than you think, I think.

We follow the same. No tv or computer during week. But snow days are an exception

Do you have a comment or are you practicing the quote thing?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well sometime between now and 3-4 years from now you'll have to allow him to learn for himself the consequences of poor decision-making. The worst you could do is protect him from all decision-making (by making the decisions yourself) and then drop him off at college.

This is so true. OP here.

On the one hand I've heard that teenage brains are not yet wired to take consequences into account. And he WILL fail, I'm afraid, without constraints.

On the other hand, he needs to start experiencing the consequences so he can develop that skill, even if it means his grades plummet and his college choices suck.

Maybe tie it to grades? If he gets a certaing gpa he can have thirty minutes or an hour on weeknights?

I am totally against video games and tv watching during the week, but does screen time include texting etc? Does he wantt o be able to communicate with his friends?