Anonymous wrote:I have tried lots of different things but nothing has worked. If she liked something it is her responsibility to tell me. I can't be a mind reader. Nonetheless I will try harder to experiment and search for ways to improve the experience for us. For those of you that can't relate to this problem, consider yourself lucky. As others have pointed out it doesn't appear to be unusual.

OP, she doesn't know what she likes. How can she tell you? That is why I suggested putting the full attention on her and being entirely unselfish so that she experiences sex as pleasure for her and not just for you. She seems willing to have sex so tell her all you want to do is give her pleasure for a while. Make it all about her.

Anonymous wrote:Could someone please tell me what all these "physical conditions " are that make it uncomfortable to have sex?? I think I've read at least three different people mentioning this-and no one is willing to explain what it is... Did you never properly heal from childbirth? Are you extraordinarily overweight? What is so hard to talk about?? Op why can't you give more details about this?

Things that can make sex hurt:

An episomtemy (sp) scar that is pulling during penetration.

A tipped uterus makes the cervix point the wrong way and the guy hits it over and over during penetration.

Insufficient natural lubrication and a failure to use Astroglide or similar.

Vaginismus is a painful contraction (spasm) of the vaginal muscles. It can be caused by anxiety or a psychological response. If a person "grins and bears it," and has penetrative sex despite the pain, it often continues and gets worse. Learning to associate sex with pain is a recipe for developing this response.

Consitently having sex when it's painful is a recipe for creating a situation in which you can't have pleasurable sex because your body has learned that sex = pain. It's a vicious cycle.

Could someone please tell me what all these "physical conditions " are that make it uncomfortable to have sex?? I think I've read at least three different people mentioning this-and no one is willing to explain what it is... Did you never properly heal from childbirth? Are you extraordinarily overweight? What is so hard to talk about?? Op why can't you give more details about this?

My insights as a mom of three who's been married 17 years:

She might be genuinely tired. She finally hops into bed at the end of the day and you come in and ruin her plans to decompress, zone out, have some quiet or even sleep.

I often fall into the trap of not wanting one more person to demand one more thing of me at the end of the day. Sex sometimes feel like a chore and one I'm too tired for - especially if my DH has barely talked to me beyond a hi and goodbye.

So, be more giving, OP. Sex doesn't always have to be in your bed at night. Go downstairs and watch a movie while you rub her shoulders or her legs. Tease her with touch a bit. See what happens.

Go out together. Literally seeing your spouse in a different light can rev things up. DH and I have had the hottest sex after our high school reunions, weddings...

Do things for her. Buy her sexy things. She needs to know that you find her hot.

I love watching porn with my DH, in moderation. There are some great pornos that are female-friendly (more of a romantic spin, husband/wife storyline).

Have her read some of the explicit threads on here. That gets me hot.

Anonymous wrote:I have tried lots of different things but nothing has worked. If she liked something it is her responsibility to tell me. I can't be a mind reader. Nonetheless I will try harder to experiment and search for ways to improve the experience for us. For those of you that can't relate to this problem, consider yourself lucky. As others have pointed out it doesn't appear to be unusual.

You are correct OP. This is not that unusual. Many people are lousy in bed.

I have tried lots of different things but nothing has worked. If she liked something it is her responsibility to tell me. I can't be a mind reader. Nonetheless I will try harder to experiment and search for ways to improve the experience for us. For those of you that can't relate to this problem, consider yourself lucky. As others have pointed out it doesn't appear to be unusual.

Try this OP. Give your wife a full body massage. Then, when she is very relaxed, kiss and lick her all over her body. Not just her neck and nipples -- kiss and nibble everywhere: her inner thighs, her ears, her belly, the area between her breasts. Then give her oral sex until she has an orgasm. (There are plenty of instructional videos if you don't know how). If that doesn't make her come, try a vibrator. Then tuck her in and let her go to sleep. You owe her this. Do this every night and see if she learns to enjoy sex. She will get plenty of intimacy this way so don't worry that she might miss the intimacy of you climbing on top and painfully humping her.

OP, you should accept handjobs and blowjobs gratefully (or just masturbate) and back way off on the intercourse, and work on making her feel good. You subject your wife to something, on average, once every other night, that's physically painful/uncomfortable, and blame her. Nice.

Anonymous wrote:God. This thread has made me appreciate what an amazing and thoughtful lover my DH is. He would never dream of being intimate if I wasn't equally turned on. He is going to get a big thank you tonight!

+1!

God. This thread has made me appreciate what an amazing and thoughtful lover my DH is. He would never dream of being intimate if I wasn't equally turned on. He is going to get a big thank you tonight!

Her physical discomfort is due to poor sex education...? Nothing to do with not being turned on?

OP, fess up, have you tried gently working her clit? You do know, don't you, that a lot of women need clitoral stimulation to come?

Anonymous wrote:Several people seem to think it's all my fault. I admit it might very slightly be my fault. But I had nothing to do with her poor sex education or her physical constraints. She has never had great sex with anyone else. She tells me that quite a few women never or rarely reach an orgasm. And we all know that many women fake it. So I know she is not alone in not enjoying it. And it's not as if she completely hates having sex. She likes the intimacy but she doesn't reach an orgasm and usually isn't excited by anything.

I'm glad a couple other posters are in the same boat and actually think I should be reasonably happy. Most of the time, I'm quite happy. Our lives outside of sex is great too, which is even more important.

In terms of frequency, sometimes I want it every night or even twice a day. Sometimes just once a week or so. As I said before, I love the fact that I can dictate the frequency. Regarding masturbation, I think she is OK with it as long as I don't overdo it. When she is feeling tired, she probably prefers it, but we never really discuss it.

Just because a lot of women fake it doesn't mean that it's status quo for a lot of women to not have orgasms. I don't think you're trying hard enough to figure out what turns your wife on.

Anonymous wrote:Several people seem to think it's all my fault. I admit it might very slightly be my fault. But I had nothing to do with her poor sex education or her physical constraints. She has never had great sex with anyone else. She tells me that quite a few women never or rarely reach an orgasm. And we all know that many women fake it. So I know she is not alone in not enjoying it. And it's not as if she completely hates having sex. She likes the intimacy but she doesn't reach an orgasm and usually isn't excited by anything.

I'm glad a couple other posters are in the same boat and actually think I should be reasonably happy. Most of the time, I'm quite happy. Our lives outside of sex is great too, which is even more important.

In terms of frequency, sometimes I want it every night or even twice a day. Sometimes just once a week or so. As I said before, I love the fact that I can dictate the frequency. Regarding masturbation, I think she is OK with it as long as I don't overdo it. When she is feeling tired, she probably prefers it, but we never really discuss it.

How hard have you tried to give her an orgasm? Almost any woman with a clit can reach orgasm if you try hard enough. Maybe she just doesn't enjoy intercourse. A lot of women don't. I have heard it described as inserting a tampon over and over. Penetration is not enjoyable to all women.

Nothing good comes of being a virgin until marriage. Horribe idea for everyone involved.
OP- your relationship is not unique...it is twisted and dysfunctional.