Anonymous
Post 11/30/2013 10:11     Subject: What makes a man abandon his child?
Effort in futility here OP. You'll never know. You can start all the threads in the world asking people to speculate about why men in general abandon hypothetical kids, but it sounds like you'll never know what happened to cause YOUR dad to walk away from YOU. And that's the only answer that matters in this context.

My cousin gave me the best advice once - she came from a very strange background (my aunt gave her up to my grandparents to raise and then, when it was convenient for her, she 'took' her back). She said "don't worry about what family you came from. Create the family you want. Create a future, don't worry about the past. Create the family experience with your children that you wish you had."

You have the power to create whatever future you want. Staying stuck in the past won't help anyone. Your father isn't worrying about you, why are you worrying about him?
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2013 10:08     Subject: What makes a man abandon his child?
Of course sane women have abandoned their kids. There have been many, many reasons given to you beside insanity/addiction and yet you just keep repeating yourself like a broken record. Painful or not, you should talk to your mother. You should also seek counseling as this seems to be something that is eating at you and that you are very stuck on
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2013 10:02     Subject: What makes a man abandon his child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Ok, make a list of every negative emotion you can think of. Could be any number of those.


I was 4. I am now 40. What emotions ?

Why do parents abandon their children?
Anger, fear, sadness, selfishness, entitlement, etc.
Rage aka mental illness.
It has everything to do with how they were raised.
Do you have children?


Yes and I can't understand how it possible.


I can't either. It would be like cutting off an arm or leg. I just don't understand.
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2013 10:02     Subject: What makes a man abandon his child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Is it possible that he knows something about you that makes him want to avoid contact? For example, are you very poor and likely to ask for support for your new baby? Or a gift for the new baby? Or babysitting for the new baby?

Maybe your mother was a drain on him, maybe she was mentally ill? Maybe you show similar emotional/mental qualities (even though you are physically different) as your mom?

Your posts are a bit incoherent, and lack the maturity expected in the mother of a new baby. Maybe he can see this as well and is worried something that will drain what little life he has (he is after all 80) instead of giving him joy? (I also find it very emotionally immature that you just can not understand that not everybody bonds with children)


I was 4. I make over 6 figures. My mother has never suffered from mental illness and always provided well for me - vacations, private lessons and camps, and college. I agree with poster after you. Pp you are bizarre. No 4 year old warrants being abandoned. In fact if my mother had been mentally ill wouldn't the correct response be to protect your child?
Bringing me back to the question - how do men (without addiction or mental illness) abandon their kids?


Of course sane women have abandoned their kids. There have been many, many reasons given to you beside insanity/addiction and yet you just keep repeating yourself like a broken record. Painful or not, you should talk to your mother. You should also seek counseling as this seems to be something that is eating at you and that you are very stuck on.



Women do this as well. I know several men who are taking care of children who have been abandoned by their mothers. I know several grown men who never met their mothers because their mother abandoned them and never came back.

Did you ever discuss this with your mother? Did she ever give you her view as to why he wouldn't speak to you? She must have some theory...


It's clearly painful to my mother so no I do not bring it up. I could very well have been the cause. They were married almost a decade before they had me.
Yes, I've seen women abandon their kids never once have I come across a sane woman who has abandoned her kids. But men who appear to be sane and not addicted just cut off ... I don't understand absent mental defect how a person can go against , what I feel, is nature. The automatic responsibility to protect your young. Protect your legacy.Who knows maybe they feel by leaving they are protecting the babies.


Maybe. But I've never seen it all the instance I've seen have been schizophrenic and/or drug (think crack, heroin)abuse
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2013 09:58     Subject: What makes a man abandon his child?
Anonymous wrote:You aren't going to find an answer. People are not robots. Fathering (or mothering) a child does not make someone "dada" material.
He's had no relationship with you for 36 years. Why do you expect that to change? I'm not saying that to be snarky. I'm saying that so you can release yourself from the notion that he might be part of your future. Accept that he won't.


Dont expect to change. Just trying to understand. Frankly it's too late I'd never trust him.
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2013 09:58     Subject: What makes a man abandon his child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Is it possible that he knows something about you that makes him want to avoid contact? For example, are you very poor and likely to ask for support for your new baby? Or a gift for the new baby? Or babysitting for the new baby?

Maybe your mother was a drain on him, maybe she was mentally ill? Maybe you show similar emotional/mental qualities (even though you are physically different) as your mom?

Your posts are a bit incoherent, and lack the maturity expected in the mother of a new baby. Maybe he can see this as well and is worried something that will drain what little life he has (he is after all 80) instead of giving him joy? (I also find it very emotionally immature that you just can not understand that not everybody bonds with children)


I was 4. I make over 6 figures. My mother has never suffered from mental illness and always provided well for me - vacations, private lessons and camps, and college. I agree with poster after you. Pp you are bizarre. No 4 year old warrants being abandoned. In fact if my mother had been mentally ill wouldn't the correct response be to protect your child?
Bringing me back to the question - how do men (without addiction or mental illness) abandon their kids?


Of course sane women have abandoned their kids. There have been many, many reasons given to you beside insanity/addiction and yet you just keep repeating yourself like a broken record. Painful or not, you should talk to your mother. You should also seek counseling as this seems to be something that is eating at you and that you are very stuck on.



Women do this as well. I know several men who are taking care of children who have been abandoned by their mothers. I know several grown men who never met their mothers because their mother abandoned them and never came back.

Did you ever discuss this with your mother? Did she ever give you her view as to why he wouldn't speak to you? She must have some theory...


It's clearly painful to my mother so no I do not bring it up. I could very well have been the cause. They were married almost a decade before they had me.
Yes, I've seen women abandon their kids never once have I come across a sane woman who has abandoned her kids. But men who appear to be sane and not addicted just cut off ... I don't understand absent mental defect how a person can go against , what I feel, is nature. The automatic responsibility to protect your young. Protect your legacy.Who knows maybe they feel by leaving they are protecting the babies.
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2013 09:55     Subject: What makes a man abandon his child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Is it possible that he knows something about you that makes him want to avoid contact? For example, are you very poor and likely to ask for support for your new baby? Or a gift for the new baby? Or babysitting for the new baby?

Maybe your mother was a drain on him, maybe she was mentally ill? Maybe you show similar emotional/mental qualities (even though you are physically different) as your mom?

Your posts are a bit incoherent, and lack the maturity expected in the mother of a new baby. Maybe he can see this as well and is worried something that will drain what little life he has (he is after all 80) instead of giving him joy? (I also find it very emotionally immature that you just can not understand that not everybody bonds with children)


I was 4. I make over 6 figures. My mother has never suffered from mental illness and always provided well for me - vacations, private lessons and camps, and college. I agree with poster after you. Pp you are bizarre. No 4 year old warrants being abandoned. In fact if my mother had been mentally ill wouldn't the correct response be to protect your child?
Bringing me back to the question - how do men (without addiction or mental illness) abandon their kids?




Women do this as well. I know several men who are taking care of children who have been abandoned by their mothers. I know several grown men who never met their mothers because their mother abandoned them and never came back.

Did you ever discuss this with your mother? Did she ever give you her view as to why he wouldn't speak to you? She must have some theory...


It's clearly painful to my mother so no I do not bring it up. I could very well have been the cause. They were married almost a decade before they had me.
Yes, I've seen women abandon their kids never once have I come across a sane woman who has abandoned her kids. But men who appear to be sane and not addicted just cut off ... I don't understand absent mental defect how a person can go against , what I feel, is nature. The automatic responsibility to protect your young. Protect your legacy.Who knows maybe they feel by leaving they are protecting the babies.
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2013 09:52     Subject: What makes a man abandon his child?
You aren't going to find an answer. People are not robots. Fathering (or mothering) a child does not make someone "dada" material.
He's had no relationship with you for 36 years. Why do you expect that to change? I'm not saying that to be snarky. I'm saying that so you can release yourself from the notion that he might be part of your future. Accept that he won't.
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2013 09:45     Subject: What makes a man abandon his child?
Anonymous wrote:Is it possible that he knows something about you that makes him want to avoid contact? For example, are you very poor and likely to ask for support for your new baby? Or a gift for the new baby? Or babysitting for the new baby?

Maybe your mother was a drain on him, maybe she was mentally ill? Maybe you show similar emotional/mental qualities (even though you are physically different) as your mom?

Your posts are a bit incoherent, and lack the maturity expected in the mother of a new baby. Maybe he can see this as well and is worried something that will drain what little life he has (he is after all 80) instead of giving him joy? (I also find it very emotionally immature that you just can not understand that not everybody bonds with children)


I was 4. I make over 6 figures. My mother has never suffered from mental illness and always provided well for me - vacations, private lessons and camps, and college. I agree with poster after you. Pp you are bizarre. No 4 year old warrants being abandoned. In fact if my mother had been mentally ill wouldn't the correct response be to protect your child?
Bringing me back to the question - how do men (without addiction or mental illness) abandon their kids?
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2013 09:07     Subject: What makes a man abandon his child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Is it possible that he knows something about you that makes him want to avoid contact? For example, are you very poor and likely to ask for support for your new baby? Or a gift for the new baby? Or babysitting for the new baby?

Maybe your mother was a drain on him, maybe she was mentally ill? Maybe you show similar emotional/mental qualities (even though you are physically different) as your mom?

Your posts are a bit incoherent, and lack the maturity expected in the mother of a new baby. Maybe he can see this as well and is worried something that will drain what little life he has (he is after all 80) instead of giving him joy? (I also find it very emotionally immature that you just can not understand that not everybody bonds with children)


I was 4. I make over 6 figures. My mother has never suffered from mental illness and always provided well for me - vacations, private lessons and camps, and college. I agree with poster after you. Pp you are bizarre. No 4 year old warrants being abandoned. In fact if my mother had been mentally ill wouldn't the correct response be to protect your child?
Bringing me back to the question - how do men (without addiction or mental illness) abandon their kids?




Women do this as well. I know several men who are taking care of children who have been abandoned by their mothers. I know several grown men who never met their mothers because their mother abandoned them and never came back.

Did you ever discuss this with your mother? Did she ever give you her view as to why he wouldn't speak to you? She must have some theory...
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2013 09:04     Subject: What makes a man abandon his child?
OP, my mom left my dad when I was 8. So different situation but as an adult, I did get some insight from my dad.

Before they split up, my family lived in (nice town A). My dad went to work at (Big City B) which was too far away for a daily commute. So Monday mornings he'd drive to work and then stay with his sister and her husband during the week, then come back home Friday.

This was a huge factor in the marriage breaking up because he just wasn't around, and this is before email/texting/facetime and when the phone was a nickel a minute so everyone was trying to keep the calls short. Year after year, my parents were just living two separate lives and couldn't connect with each other.

As an adult, I asked him, why didn't he move my mom and us kids down to Big City B when he got that job? He said, "I didn't want to disrupt the family." So, in his mind, our school and friends were more important than his presence. He clearly didn't comprehend that we all needed his time and attention and presence as a husband and dad, not just his pay stub.

That mentality was so much more prevalent back then. I'm a little older than you but I do think it still applies.

When my mom left my dad, my dad tried to get her back--not by cajoling or wooing or offering a more integrated, better life--he tried to get her back by cutting off the money to her. Ok he was an engineering-type so wasn't the best at understanding and predicting the relational consequences of that decision (i.e. that it would backfire) but again it illustrates "that mentality"--that gross underestimation about what is important in a family life.
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2013 09:00     Subject: What makes a man abandon his child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Is it possible that he knows something about you that makes him want to avoid contact? For example, are you very poor and likely to ask for support for your new baby? Or a gift for the new baby? Or babysitting for the new baby?

Maybe your mother was a drain on him, maybe she was mentally ill? Maybe you show similar emotional/mental qualities (even though you are physically different) as your mom?

Your posts are a bit incoherent, and lack the maturity expected in the mother of a new baby. Maybe he can see this as well and is worried something that will drain what little life he has (he is after all 80) instead of giving him joy? (I also find it very emotionally immature that you just can not understand that not everybody bonds with children)


PP, you are truly evil. I initially typed "horrible," but "evil" is a better fit. Accurate.

What children who are abandoned by their parents pretty universally fear is that their parents left them because there was something inherently wrong with them. And what do you specifically ask in your post? - if the OPs father "knows something" about the OP that would make him want to avoid her. You just had to go right for the Achilles heel, didn't you?


Maybe I am evil. I have also refused to meet my brother's children, because I know he is an unending sink for money. If he could, he would take all my money, make it evaporate into nothing (it is amazing to me how he makes money disappear with no apparent gain for himself or his large family), and come back for more. Sometimes fear of intimacy is due to the knowledge that the person has needs that could cripple you but give that person no gain. And, honestly, maybe her father is evil as well. If I am evil, he may just be evil in the exact same way. Not all fathers are good. Maybe she should accept that her father is evil.
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2013 08:58     Subject: What makes a man abandon his child?
Anonymous wrote:Is it possible that he knows something about you that makes him want to avoid contact? For example, are you very poor and likely to ask for support for your new baby? Or a gift for the new baby? Or babysitting for the new baby?

Maybe your mother was a drain on him, maybe she was mentally ill? Maybe you show similar emotional/mental qualities (even though you are physically different) as your mom?

Your posts are a bit incoherent, and lack the maturity expected in the mother of a new baby. Maybe he can see this as well and is worried something that will drain what little life he has (he is after all 80) instead of giving him joy? (I also find it very emotionally immature that you just can not understand that not everybody bonds with children)


I was 4. I make over 6 figures. My mother has never suffered from mental illness and always provided well for me - vacations, private lessons and camps, and college. I agree with poster after you. Pp you are bizarre. No 4 year old warrants being abandoned. In fact if my mother had been mentally ill wouldn't the correct response be to protect your child?
Bringing me back to the question - how do men (without addiction or mental illness) abandon their kids?
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2013 08:48     Subject: What makes a man abandon his child?
Anonymous wrote:Is it possible that he knows something about you that makes him want to avoid contact? For example, are you very poor and likely to ask for support for your new baby? Or a gift for the new baby? Or babysitting for the new baby?

Maybe your mother was a drain on him, maybe she was mentally ill? Maybe you show similar emotional/mental qualities (even though you are physically different) as your mom?

Your posts are a bit incoherent, and lack the maturity expected in the mother of a new baby. Maybe he can see this as well and is worried something that will drain what little life he has (he is after all 80) instead of giving him joy? (I also find it very emotionally immature that you just can not understand that not everybody bonds with children)


PP, you are truly evil. I initially typed "horrible," but "evil" is a better fit. Accurate.

What children who are abandoned by their parents pretty universally fear is that their parents left them because there was something inherently wrong with them. And what do you specifically ask in your post? - if the OPs father "knows something" about the OP that would make him want to avoid her. You just had to go right for the Achilles heel, didn't you?
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2013 08:43     Subject: What makes a man abandon his child?
Is it possible that he knows something about you that makes him want to avoid contact? For example, are you very poor and likely to ask for support for your new baby? Or a gift for the new baby? Or babysitting for the new baby?

Maybe your mother was a drain on him, maybe she was mentally ill? Maybe you show similar emotional/mental qualities (even though you are physically different) as your mom?

Your posts are a bit incoherent, and lack the maturity expected in the mother of a new baby. Maybe he can see this as well and is worried something that will drain what little life he has (he is after all 80) instead of giving him joy? (I also find it very emotionally immature that you just can not understand that not everybody bonds with children)