Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The experience of a cancer family when there are young kids and a cancer family when there are no kids is WORLDS APART. Please do not post about how wonderful your spouse was when you went through cancer, if you didn't have young kids at home. It just does not compare at all to what OP and her DH are going through.

Fuck you.

no fuck you, it's the truth.

Here is the thing, Children have needs. They can not take care of themselves. Dealing with cancer does not change the children's needs. A 2 yo has diapers to change. A 4 yo needs help getting dressed. A ten yo may need help getting food for herself. They can not drive themselves places.

When I am dealing with treatment, usually, my sister comes in to help. My wife and my sister split the activities -- one will be there for DD, and one will be there for me. Most of the time, I do not need help, but sometimes, I have needed help at the same time DD needed help. Now that DD is approaching middle school, things may be different.

I posted earlier with the three kids-my 10 year old was THE WORST in terms of emotions. He stepped up and helped out with everything, but he was a wreck. He refused to discuss anything and would start crying saying he didn't want to talk about it...we always talked openly about everything so he "seemed" ok but the night before surgery I talked to him and was shocked to see how upset he really was. He feared the surgery and was afraid the surgeon would cut my heart (breast surgery). I later found out he stayed up both nights I was in the hospital even though I called him. I guess he needed to see that I was ok. Not sure what my point is but I guess remember that kids have feelings, sometimes even stronger bc they do not fully understand what is happening, so need to check in with them often during this process.

I can see that. My DD was just 10 when my cancer was diagnosed. She was sure I was going to die, and very upset. She could help out, but no one was helping her.

My mom was diagnosed with cancer when she was pregnant with her fourth child. We were fortunate that they could afford (just barely) to hire a nanny for us. She was in and out of the hospital for three years. My dad got to work by 6am every day so he could leave by 4 or 5 to visit her in the hospital and be home by seven to take care of us. He handled all weekend kid-related duties ( soccer games, birthday parties, etc) and took us all to the hospital every Sunday to see her. When she was home she was too frail to do much so he handled everything when he wasn't at work. We ate a lot of spaghetti and burgers/hot dogs and takeout Chinese food, but he somehow kept the whole family together and functioning.
This is the same thing I would hope I could expect from my DH, although I don't have a lot of faith that it would turn out that way.

Anonymous wrote:I felt my DH was there for the most part. But wanted me to rely on others to take me to chemo and radiation. He went to my surgeries and one chemo and one radiation session. He would happily accept meals. We had two young children at the time. He sent for my parents, who I always hate asking them for anything. Whatever friends I had that were willing to come came. I felt like I was pretty much orchestrating everything. He took maybe 4 days off for the whole thing even though he has tons of leave. He did help on the really important decisions. Was I expecting too much to have more hand holding?

My parents had cancer one after the other. My father had it first and then a year later my mom. In both cases, the both took off work to help the other cope with it. Granted all of their kids are grown though. My dad made all my moms meals, pushed her to sleep, took her to most of her appointments. When he couldn't take her my sister drove her. Being faced with the possible death of a close loved one can make people act strange. My father was not always very nice and I believe he is one who doesn't handle stress well period. He was snappy with everyone including my mom when my mom was going through it. I will say my mom turned into nurse susie when it came to my dad's cancer. It was like she was a pro and she really held it together much better when he was going through cancer. So I would speak him about it, but try and be understanding.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The past is the past. Please don't hold a grudge. It's not healthy- analyzing it.

My husband had cancer. We both longed for the "gift of normalcy". We hoped each day would be ordinary. Some people need this more than others to cope. Assume your husband was holding-it-together best he could. Those who love you will show their love and concern in different ways. You can't dictate it.

OP here: Isn't that what therapy does is to analyze the past? My DH thinks my perspective was skewed. He thought he did the best that he could.

No. Therapy is to help you cope with the present and the future. If that means you have to hash over the past, then so be it. But, IMO, it's generally healthier to just look forward.

I was the poster who had cancer (with 2 young kids) and who felt quite alone and perhaps a tiny bit let down by DH. But I realized you can't control others and you really have to adjust your expectations ... your DH needed help and support at the time, too. He was probably doing the best he could. It will be tough on him if you now tell him his best wasn't good enough. Does he love you? Do you love him? If yes to both, then I suggest you accept him for what he is, realize it was an extremely difficult situation with young kids, and move forward positively.

Why keep going forward and repeating your past? He loves me and I love him back. But sometimes I feel that the support is not there because his job comes first. I'm searching for answers beyond this cancer moment. There have been other incidents where I felt abandoned maybe it's my perspective and my skewed view on things but is it really my view and it's not reality? Somewhere down the line I may get sick again and I want to feel his support. Maybe things will be different and the kids will be grown and we'll be in a different place in life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The experience of a cancer family when there are young kids and a cancer family when there are no kids is WORLDS APART. Please do not post about how wonderful your spouse was when you went through cancer, if you didn't have young kids at home. It just does not compare at all to what OP and her DH are going through.

Seriously? You are an asshole for comparing the two. It was unnecessary.

actually it is not-this is a parenting board, the discussions revolve around family issues. Without kids you are a couple, able to tend to just your needs. I understand it affects other family members but the stress related to having children in the mix is incomparable. So yes, seriously. I am sorry you are too self-absorbed to understand that (hope you never have to).

Anonymous wrote:The experience of a cancer family when there are young kids and a cancer family when there are no kids is WORLDS APART. Please do not post about how wonderful your spouse was when you went through cancer, if you didn't have young kids at home. It just does not compare at all to what OP and her DH are going through.

Seriously? You are an asshole for comparing the two. It was unnecessary.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The past is the past. Please don't hold a grudge. It's not healthy- analyzing it.

My husband had cancer. We both longed for the "gift of normalcy". We hoped each day would be ordinary. Some people need this more than others to cope. Assume your husband was holding-it-together best he could. Those who love you will show their love and concern in different ways. You can't dictate it.

OP here: Isn't that what therapy does is to analyze the past? My DH thinks my perspective was skewed. He thought he did the best that he could.

No. Therapy is to help you cope with the present and the future. If that means you have to hash over the past, then so be it. But, IMO, it's generally healthier to just look forward.

I was the poster who had cancer (with 2 young kids) and who felt quite alone and perhaps a tiny bit let down by DH. But I realized you can't control others and you really have to adjust your expectations ... your DH needed help and support at the time, too. He was probably doing the best he could. It will be tough on him if you now tell him his best wasn't good enough. Does he love you? Do you love him? If yes to both, then I suggest you accept him for what he is, realize it was an extremely difficult situation with young kids, and move forward positively.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The experience of a cancer family when there are young kids and a cancer family when there are no kids is WORLDS APART. Please do not post about how wonderful your spouse was when you went through cancer, if you didn't have young kids at home. It just does not compare at all to what OP and her DH are going through.

Fuck you.

no fuck you, it's the truth.

Here is the thing, Children have needs. They can not take care of themselves. Dealing with cancer does not change the children's needs. A 2 yo has diapers to change. A 4 yo needs help getting dressed. A ten yo may need help getting food for herself. They can not drive themselves places.

When I am dealing with treatment, usually, my sister comes in to help. My wife and my sister split the activities -- one will be there for DD, and one will be there for me. Most of the time, I do not need help, but sometimes, I have needed help at the same time DD needed help. Now that DD is approaching middle school, things may be different.

I posted earlier with the three kids-my 10 year old was THE WORST in terms of emotions. He stepped up and helped out with everything, but he was a wreck. He refused to discuss anything and would start crying saying he didn't want to talk about it...we always talked openly about everything so he "seemed" ok but the night before surgery I talked to him and was shocked to see how upset he really was. He feared the surgery and was afraid the surgeon would cut my heart (breast surgery). I later found out he stayed up both nights I was in the hospital even though I called him. I guess he needed to see that I was ok. Not sure what my point is but I guess remember that kids have feelings, sometimes even stronger bc they do not fully understand what is happening, so need to check in with them often during this process.