Anonymous
11/15/2013 11:28
Subject: Anyone here stay in their marriage "for the kids" and get divorced when they left for college?
Unfortunately, I stuck it out for the kids' sakes (4 years to go) but now my husband has chronic health issues so now there will be added guilt. Wish I had done it a long time ago.
Anonymous
11/15/2013 11:20
Subject: Anyone here stay in their marriage "for the kids" and get divorced when they left for college?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The staying together for the kids business is so cowardly and you're likely not fooling anyone but yourselves that your kids don't pick up on your contempt for each other.
Ok: I will play your game.
How long have you been married?
How many kids?
What is TOTAL net worth?
Where do live?
Your questions suggest it's about money and geography. It's not. If you're staying together for financial reasons, that's especially troubling (unless you're facing homelessness, perhaps). My husband and I have three kids, married 15 years (with our share of bumps). Divorce would be a hardship, but no way in hell would I continue to live in a toxic environment with a spouse I hated / hated me for the sake of the kids. Trust me, and I speak from experience, your kids WILL NOT be thankful that you subjected them to a childhood where mom and dad couldn't stand each other. A good divorce is better than a bad marriage.
Who said that people staying together until kids are in college hated each other?
At best they coexist in a loveless marriage, leading seperate lives under one roof. That's hardly a model for a marriage and kids are perceptive enough to know there is something not right. And at worst they are completely contemptuous of one and other, often dragging the kids into the unhealthy dynamic.
I doubt everybody that is thinking of divorce is in a loveless marriage. Many people love a spouse when they divorce them as well, but they just could not get along or had different paths they want to take. Just like a divorce does not have to be ugly nor does a marriage that is not perfect.
Anonymous
11/15/2013 10:31
Subject: Anyone here stay in their marriage "for the kids" and get divorced when they left for college?
The couple of friends I know whose parents divorced when they left for college were seriously messed up. They left for college and their home vanished while they were gone. They didn't have a chance to adjust to the new reality; they came home for the holidays and had to cope with two households and the fallout from the divorce. The ones who didn't see it coming also felt pretty betrayed because they felt that their parents had lied to them for years, so all their family memories were retroactively messed up and they had a hard time trusting their parents.
If you're going to divorce, divorce.
If you're going to divorce, divorce.
Anonymous
11/15/2013 10:02
Subject: Anyone here stay in their marriage "for the kids" and get divorced when they left for college?
Anonymous wrote:I agree with PP. Think of it this way: One of three things is happening right now.
(1) You have a not-great marriage that your kids are experiencing as "normal." Is this what you want them to emulate in adulthood?
or
(2) You have a not-great marriage that your kids know is screwed up. Doesn't this likely mean that your kids get to share some part of the misery on a daily basis? Why do you want to subject them to this?
or
(3) You have a not-great marriage but you are a master of disguise and everyone thinks you have a good marriage. So the minute your kids move out, you are going to blow them out of the water by dropping the bomb that you are divorcing?
None of these scenarios strike me as necessarily in the best interests of your kids.
I know 4 people who have had their parents stay together and then divorce in college. 2 are in their mid 30s and have terrible relationships. One is a commitment phobe and goes through boyfriends all the time. The other is a serial cheater because of the fear of commitment. Has been with his gf for 3 years and is still doesn't want to take it to the next level (i.e get engaged or even move in together).
One friend doesn't talk to his dad anymore since he felt his dad pulled the rug out from under him regarding the divorce and stopped trusting his dad. Finally getting therapy to deal with some of those issues.
The other one turned out normal relationship wise, although does not have many fond memories of family life after she was 10.
Anonymous
11/15/2013 09:55
Subject: Anyone here stay in their marriage "for the kids" and get divorced when they left for college?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:That's my plan, although I don't know if I'll be able to do it. I have zero respect for my husband. I hate him so much, but pretend not to to try to make the marriage work until I can get out. He is literally the meanest and most selfish person I have ever known. He is the most horrible person I have ever known.
Why? What does he do? Is he physically or emotionally abusive? If he's mean and selfish, isn't it paramount to get your kids away from him?
Exactly how would divorcing get my son away from him? He's their father, we will share custody. They will be around their father no matter what.
He has never laid a hand on me. He is mean and selfish to me, but not to our son. He also has a strict rule that we are to never be mean or disrespect each other in front of others. He keeps to his rule very well. He only verbally abuses me when we are alone, not in front of anyone, nor our son.
He doesn't disrespect you in front of your son - for now. Abuse will escalate. You don't think you son will pick up on the way your husband treats you and the unhealthy dynamic between you? Denial.
Anonymous
11/15/2013 09:53
Subject: Anyone here stay in their marriage "for the kids" and get divorced when they left for college?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The staying together for the kids business is so cowardly and you're likely not fooling anyone but yourselves that your kids don't pick up on your contempt for each other.
Ok: I will play your game.
How long have you been married?
How many kids?
What is TOTAL net worth?
Where do live?
Your questions suggest it's about money and geography. It's not. If you're staying together for financial reasons, that's especially troubling (unless you're facing homelessness, perhaps). My husband and I have three kids, married 15 years (with our share of bumps). Divorce would be a hardship, but no way in hell would I continue to live in a toxic environment with a spouse I hated / hated me for the sake of the kids. Trust me, and I speak from experience, your kids WILL NOT be thankful that you subjected them to a childhood where mom and dad couldn't stand each other. A good divorce is better than a bad marriage.
Who said that people staying together until kids are in college hated each other?
At best they coexist in a loveless marriage, leading seperate lives under one roof. That's hardly a model for a marriage and kids are perceptive enough to know there is something not right. And at worst they are completely contemptuous of one and other, often dragging the kids into the unhealthy dynamic.
Anonymous
11/15/2013 09:33
Subject: Anyone here stay in their marriage "for the kids" and get divorced when they left for college?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:That's my plan, although I don't know if I'll be able to do it. I have zero respect for my husband. I hate him so much, but pretend not to to try to make the marriage work until I can get out. He is literally the meanest and most selfish person I have ever known. He is the most horrible person I have ever known.
Why? What does he do? Is he physically or emotionally abusive? If he's mean and selfish, isn't it paramount to get your kids away from him?
Exactly how would divorcing get my son away from him? He's their father, we will share custody. They will be around their father no matter what.
He has never laid a hand on me. He is mean and selfish to me, but not to our son. He also has a strict rule that we are to never be mean or disrespect each other in front of others. He keeps to his rule very well. He only verbally abuses me when we are alone, not in front of anyone, nor our son.
Anonymous
11/15/2013 09:33
Subject: Anyone here stay in their marriage "for the kids" and get divorced when they left for college?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The staying together for the kids business is so cowardly and you're likely not fooling anyone but yourselves that your kids don't pick up on your contempt for each other.
Ok: I will play your game.
How long have you been married?
How many kids?
What is TOTAL net worth?
Where do live?
Your questions suggest it's about money and geography. It's not. If you're staying together for financial reasons, that's especially troubling (unless you're facing homelessness, perhaps). My husband and I have three kids, married 15 years (with our share of bumps). Divorce would be a hardship, but no way in hell would I continue to live in a toxic environment with a spouse I hated / hated me for the sake of the kids. Trust me, and I speak from experience, your kids WILL NOT be thankful that you subjected them to a childhood where mom and dad couldn't stand each other. A good divorce is better than a bad marriage.
Who said that people staying together until kids are in college hated each other?
Anonymous
11/15/2013 09:16
Subject: Anyone here stay in their marriage "for the kids" and get divorced when they left for college?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The staying together for the kids business is so cowardly and you're likely not fooling anyone but yourselves that your kids don't pick up on your contempt for each other.
Ok: I will play your game.
How long have you been married?
How many kids?
What is TOTAL net worth?
Where do live?
Your questions suggest it's about money and geography. It's not. If you're staying together for financial reasons, that's especially troubling (unless you're facing homelessness, perhaps). My husband and I have three kids, married 15 years (with our share of bumps). Divorce would be a hardship, but no way in hell would I continue to live in a toxic environment with a spouse I hated / hated me for the sake of the kids. Trust me, and I speak from experience, your kids WILL NOT be thankful that you subjected them to a childhood where mom and dad couldn't stand each other. A good divorce is better than a bad marriage.
Anonymous
11/15/2013 08:49
Subject: Anyone here stay in their marriage "for the kids" and get divorced when they left for college?
Anonymous wrote:My parents split the week that I (youngest child) left for college. Apparently my dad and his girlfriend had been counting the days for years. There is nothing that can make an 18 year old more cynical than learning everyone has been faking it for their benefit.
Try spending every other weekend with the girlfriend.... not a great situation either. Maybe it was the lesser of 2 evils.
Anonymous
11/15/2013 08:43
Subject: Anyone here stay in their marriage "for the kids" and get divorced when they left for college?
My parents split the week that I (youngest child) left for college. Apparently my dad and his girlfriend had been counting the days for years. There is nothing that can make an 18 year old more cynical than learning everyone has been faking it for their benefit.
Anonymous
11/15/2013 08:28
Subject: Anyone here stay in their marriage "for the kids" and get divorced when they left for college?
Anonymous wrote:My parents did! I begged them to separate or get divorced since I was 8 years old, but they didn't. Dad asked me to move in with him but I said I'd stay with mom, and they didn't separate.
Mom finally moved out when I was senior in high school.Oh, how I wish it had happened earlier...Dad was physically abusive and always drunk.
My sister and I left the country, in fact we left the continent to get away from all the dysfunction.
My parents love us dearly, they never abused us or denied us anything.I wished my father had beaten me instead of my mom.It was hard to watch and even harder to understand why mom didn't do anything about it and why she couldn't understand how damaging it was to her kids.
I'd like to say that we turned out fine living here-I'm about to get my Bachelor's and sister got her Master's from Georgetown, but I can tear up in a minute when I see parents arguing/yelling in front of their children (sorry, too much DR. Phil, and saw a physical fight at Children's hospital).
That's child abuse in my book/
I hope you don't put your kids through anything like that.All they really want to be is happy, and they are not happy when their parents are not happy.
This post is confusing.
Anonymous
11/15/2013 07:56
Subject: Anyone here stay in their marriage "for the kids" and get divorced when they left for college?
My parents did! I begged them to separate or get divorced since I was 8 years old, but they didn't. Dad asked me to move in with him but I said I'd stay with mom, and they didn't separate.
Mom finally moved out when I was senior in high school.Oh, how I wish it had happened earlier...Dad was physically abusive and always drunk.
My sister and I left the country, in fact we left the continent to get away from all the dysfunction.
My parents love us dearly, they never abused us or denied us anything.I wished my father had beaten me instead of my mom.It was hard to watch and even harder to understand why mom didn't do anything about it and why she couldn't understand how damaging it was to her kids.
I'd like to say that we turned out fine living here-I'm about to get my Bachelor's and sister got her Master's from Georgetown, but I can tear up in a minute when I see parents arguing/yelling in front of their children (sorry, too much DR. Phil, and saw a physical fight at Children's hospital).
That's child abuse in my book/
I hope you don't put your kids through anything like that.All they really want to be is happy, and they are not happy when their parents are not happy.
Mom finally moved out when I was senior in high school.Oh, how I wish it had happened earlier...Dad was physically abusive and always drunk.
My sister and I left the country, in fact we left the continent to get away from all the dysfunction.
My parents love us dearly, they never abused us or denied us anything.I wished my father had beaten me instead of my mom.It was hard to watch and even harder to understand why mom didn't do anything about it and why she couldn't understand how damaging it was to her kids.
I'd like to say that we turned out fine living here-I'm about to get my Bachelor's and sister got her Master's from Georgetown, but I can tear up in a minute when I see parents arguing/yelling in front of their children (sorry, too much DR. Phil, and saw a physical fight at Children's hospital).
That's child abuse in my book/
I hope you don't put your kids through anything like that.All they really want to be is happy, and they are not happy when their parents are not happy.
Anonymous
11/15/2013 06:54
Subject: Anyone here stay in their marriage "for the kids" and get divorced when they left for college?
My aunt and uncle lived like this for 10 years. Once they filed the first bit of paperwork, she went nuts and drug it out another 3 years trying to take our family farm. It was a bad situation all around and everyone knew what was going on. I'd just get out if I were you.
Anonymous
11/15/2013 05:30
Subject: Anyone here stay in their marriage "for the kids" and get divorced when they left for college?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Or, is anyone here currently staying in their marriage, waiting for you kids to be grown before divorcing?
How did it work out for you? regrets? etc?
A DH here.. That is my current plan, but 10 more years is a long time especially if the kids already see how dysfunctional their mom and dad's relationship is.
Does you DW know you feel this way? Do you ever talk? How could you stand 10 years?
There were intamacy issues before our 1st child. Then after her mom died she checked out of our relationship. It is kind of like a wall. She wanted to have a 2nd child and got close to me again but then our relationship went back to the way it was before the 2nd child. She knows that I am not happy and we have talked.. She has said that she is also not happy. She is a good mother, but a terrible wife and partner. She is a roommate and co-parent. I am more of an extrovert and I generally like to
I have thought that if I did anything now... It would have to wait til the end of the school year. We live in a great area that has great schools... Plus the kids have several good friends within walking distance. I am an active dad and I am the morning parent who gets them ready for school and the last parent they see when they go to bed. If I got divoiced.. That would change.