Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like men have less discretion about finding a "fulfilling" job than women. The expectation is that they will be the ones who work whatever shit job is necessary to pay the bills. Certainly I would never do what OP's husband did; because I know, even if my wife contributes, that paying the bills is ultimately my responsibility. I do think that the responsible guys who do what OP's husband did not -- stick with crap jobs to support their families because it's the right thing to do -- should get more credit than they typically do.

BS. Don't make this a male female thing. Any spouse would be wrong to do what this guy did.

- WOHM, breadwinner, sucking it up for 20 years so far.....

I agree that it sounds like the husband handled this poorly. I disagree if you are arguing that you are representative of anything approaching the norm when it comes to division of male/female responsibilities to provide for the family financially. There is absolutely a greater expectation that the man is going to provide for his family financially.

I think you are about 10 years behind the power curve on this one. Recent data shows that in 40% of families, the woman makes more than the man. And this number is only going to go up as college classes (and even med school classes) are >50% female now. I've been married 22 years and have always made the same (roughly) as DH. Neither one of us would DARE leave a job, shitty or not, without full support from the other. Yes, I have stayed in jobs I've hated because it was what our finances "required" at the time, and so has he. It's the responsible thing to do, ESPECIALLY when there are kids involved. You at least line up other work, however menial, to bring in some money while you look for the "perfect" job.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like men have less discretion about finding a "fulfilling" job than women. The expectation is that they will be the ones who work whatever shit job is necessary to pay the bills. Certainly I would never do what OP's husband did; because I know, even if my wife contributes, that paying the bills is ultimately my responsibility. I do think that the responsible guys who do what OP's husband did not -- stick with crap jobs to support their families because it's the right thing to do -- should get more credit than they typically do.

BS. Don't make this a male female thing. Any spouse would be wrong to do what this guy did.

- WOHM, breadwinner, sucking it up for 20 years so far.....

I agree that it sounds like the husband handled this poorly. I disagree if you are arguing that you are representative of anything approaching the norm when it comes to division of male/female responsibilities to provide for the family financially. There is absolutely a greater expectation that the man is going to provide for his family financially.

Anonymous wrote:Seems like men have less discretion about finding a "fulfilling" job than women. The expectation is that they will be the ones who work whatever shit job is necessary to pay the bills. Certainly I would never do what OP's husband did; because I know, even if my wife contributes, that paying the bills is ultimately my responsibility. I do think that the responsible guys who do what OP's husband did not -- stick with crap jobs to support their families because it's the right thing to do -- should get more credit than they typically do.

BS. Don't make this a male female thing. Any spouse would be wrong to do what this guy did.

- WOHM, breadwinner, sucking it up for 20 years so far.....

Similar thing happened with my DH although the facts were different.

He resigned from his job suddenly because he was ordered to do something that he felt was unethical and borderline illegal (in fact, the person who asked him was indicted a year later). It was a last straw. DH’s presentation was VERY different than OP’s. He made sure to reassure me that he could meet his responsibilities while he looked for a new job. His company had been teetering for a couple of years so he was socking his “spending” money away (he had about 10 month’s of the bills that he pays saved up). The only downside was that for the 6 months that he was out, we could not increase our savings. Later, however DH acknowledged the risk he took, thanked me for the support I gave him and the belief that I had in him. I also know that he would support me in a similar situation.

OP, I get the sense that your DH thinks that you feel that his obligations and responsibility are a higher priority than his happiness. It also seems that you have issues with his judgment generally. You have a right to annoyed if, in fact, you are surprised by his decision. Like PP, I think he made such a rash decision because he knew you would not support it. That tells me that his level of unhappiness was at a critical stage. No sensible man would quit his job and risk the wrath of his DW if he was marginally unhappy. At this point, it makes no sense to “read him the riot act.” You are where you are and you have to work together to fix it (unless you leave him). It is not an ideal situation but if you want to stay married, you have to tackle it head on together. Encourage him to pursue his Plan B simultaneously with the real estate thing. As another PP said, save the “riot act reading” for a time when you are more stable.

GL.

Hard for us to weigh in on this fairly without knowing the marriage/communication dynamics.

If my husband did this I would FURIOUS. Neither of us would take any action even remotely approaching this without extensive conversation and planning. It doesn't mean we wouldn't quit a nightmare job, but we would NEVER do it without planning for it - together. Not just out of respect for each other, but also out of necessity for protecting our family, our savings, our secure lifestyle, etc...

Sounds like maybe the OP could have seen this coming, and maybe she could/should be more supportive. However, I have very little respect for a parent who would quit a job when a child is in the equation and another is on the way.

Also, PP is right - never quit a job until you've found a new one. It is exponentially harder to find employment when you're out of work.

Good luck to you OP.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. What you are saying is makes no sense. Guess what??! I also hate my job as well that doesn't mean I'm going to go and quit. Do you think Bank of America, Washington Gas, etc give a crap about whether you love or hate your job?? Of course not, at the beginning of the month they want their money on time, every time. Yes he complained a lot about his job, but my job is no picnic either and I go through moments of saying maybe I should just quit and live off the government. I'm sure a lot of folks would love to just walk off the job right now.

I was all for him finding a better job but not quitting like this. I even emailed him jobs on a daily basis to apply for and he did get quite a few interviews but nothing came through.

OP, you're right. He probably should have talked to you before he did this. But then again, its obvious to me why he did not. You would have told him not to do it. Then, he still would have done it and you would be even more furious than you are now. Its all well-and-good to say that your husband has a responsibility to discuss big decisions with you. He does! But you're not actually mad about him not discussing it with you, you're mad about his decision. And it was HIS decision. If he'd come to you and laid out all of the facts, you'd told him you advice him against it, and he'd still done it, he would have been totally within his right to do it. You think he has a responsibility to provide for his family until he finds something better. He apparently thinks like he can be a better father and husband if he's not miserable. Both are totally sane and supportable positions. Even if you had had lengthy discussions about this, you two would not have agreed. So he just went and did what he was going to do anyway.

Here's where you are now:

If you chew him out about this choice, he is going to feel abandoned and disrespected, and it will cause long term harm to your relationship. (I promise you that if your marriage does not work out, Exhibit A when he is complainign to friends about you will be: "I had to quit my miserable job and instead of supporting me, my wife made me feel like a terrible human being.") Meanwhile, it has absolutely no upside. He is not going to ask for his old job back. Nor is he going to get a new job sooner because you yelled at him. All that will happen is that you will be in exactly the same position as you are now except that he will think you refused to support him when he made a momentus and difficult life decision.

As I see it, you have two choices:

1. Force a huge effing smile and tell him you're so proud he's moving on to the next stage of his career and you support him fully. Help him find a job and be upbeat along the way. See a therapist if you need to do so to help you stay positive. Then, after he's gotten a new job and has had some time to settle in, have a nice conversation with him where you say "I'm so proud of where you are now, but I wish you had gone about it differently in X ways."

2. Divorce him.

Your pick. But the "being enraged at him but staying with him" thing is just not going to do anyone any good.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never quit a job unless you have another job already lined up, specially with children.

They have savings and it sounds like his job was extremely stressful. I would be very pissed off if my partner is a slave driver and only cares about a paycheck.

+ infinity

No excuse for him failing to discuss this major life decision with his family before he chose to act.

Agreed - so long as the discussion would have been about how best to get him out of the job and not to talk him out of leaving because of the inconvenience to the rest of the family.

Yeah. What if DW found her job super stressful and just up and quit? How would he feel? I would really just like to walk out of this place right now, but I'm thinking of my family while I'm sitting here.

They're called SAHM.

News flash: not everyone can afford to live on one income.

PP here. Well, you may not have much choice if DH drops dead like my dad did. If your spouse tells you that he is miserable at his job and you can see the toll on him, it takes a pretty selfish person not to be willing to work with the person to find a better situation. And I stand by my assertion that OP's DH did not come out of the blue with this. Perhaps he "up and quit" because he did not think that OP was "hearing" him. Based on her posts (and we only have one side of the story), that would not surprise me.

OP here. What you are saying is makes no sense. Guess what??! I also hate my job as well that doesn't mean I'm going to go and quit. Do you think Bank of America, Washington Gas, etc give a crap about whether you love or hate your job?? Of course not, at the beginning of the month they want their money on time, every time. Yes he complained a lot about his job, but my job is no picnic either and I go through moments of saying maybe I should just quit and live off the government. I'm sure a lot of folks would love to just walk off the job right now.

I was all for him finding a better job but not quitting like this. I even emailed him jobs on a daily basis to apply for and he did get quite a few interviews but nothing came through.

Welp, there you have it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never quit a job unless you have another job already lined up, specially with children.

They have savings and it sounds like his job was extremely stressful. I would be very pissed off if my partner is a slave driver and only cares about a paycheck.

+ infinity

No excuse for him failing to discuss this major life decision with his family before he chose to act.

Agreed - so long as the discussion would have been about how best to get him out of the job and not to talk him out of leaving because of the inconvenience to the rest of the family.

Yeah. What if DW found her job super stressful and just up and quit? How would he feel? I would really just like to walk out of this place right now, but I'm thinking of my family while I'm sitting here.

They're called SAHM.

News flash: not everyone can afford to live on one income.

PP here. Well, you may not have much choice if DH drops dead like my dad did. If your spouse tells you that he is miserable at his job and you can see the toll on him, it takes a pretty selfish person not to be willing to work with the person to find a better situation. And I stand by my assertion that OP's DH did not come out of the blue with this. Perhaps he "up and quit" because he did not think that OP was "hearing" him. Based on her posts (and we only have one side of the story), that would not surprise me.

OP here. What you are saying is makes no sense. Guess what??! I also hate my job as well that doesn't mean I'm going to go and quit. Do you think Bank of America, Washington Gas, etc give a crap about whether you love or hate your job?? Of course not, at the beginning of the month they want their money on time, every time. Yes he complained a lot about his job, but my job is no picnic either and I go through moments of saying maybe I should just quit and live off the government. I'm sure a lot of folks would love to just walk off the job right now.

I was all for him finding a better job but not quitting like this. I even emailed him jobs on a daily basis to apply for and he did get quite a few interviews but nothing came through.

"PP here. Well, you may not have much choice if DH drops dead like my dad did. If your spouse tells you that he is miserable at his job and you can see the toll on him, it takes a pretty selfish person not to be willing to work with the person to find a better situation. And I stand by my assertion that OP's DH did not come out of the blue with this. Perhaps he "up and quit" because he did not think that OP was "hearing" him. Based on her posts (and we only have one side of the story), that would not surprise me."

Did you not read the part about OP being pregnant? Not only did he quit, but he quit with no discussion, no solid plan in place, and leaving his work to support the family while pregnant!

Anonymous wrote:I was married to someone like this. You need to read him the riot act. We give up the right to act unilaterally when we get married and have children. He needs to apologize for doing this and promise it will never happen again. If he says that you've failed to listen to his needs, then you need to discuss and address that. He needs to agree to sit down with you and work on a plan for his real estate career that you both agree with. There needs to be a timeline for him to get to a certain place, and an agreement that he will do something else (get a steady job with a certain income) if this time comes and goes.

And you need to see a divorce attorney to figure out where the chips would fall if he fails to follow through. Essentially, this is an ultimatum from you - he needs to show you that you can depend on him, or you need to go on your own.

If you follow his advice, you are going to end up divorced. So ignore this poster unless you want to get divorced.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never quit a job unless you have another job already lined up, specially with children.

They have savings and it sounds like his job was extremely stressful. I would be very pissed off if my partner is a slave driver and only cares about a paycheck.

+ infinity

No excuse for him failing to discuss this major life decision with his family before he chose to act.

Agreed - so long as the discussion would have been about how best to get him out of the job and not to talk him out of leaving because of the inconvenience to the rest of the family.

Yeah. What if DW found her job super stressful and just up and quit? How would he feel? I would really just like to walk out of this place right now, but I'm thinking of my family while I'm sitting here.

They're called SAHM.

News flash: not everyone can afford to live on one income.

PP here. Well, you may not have much choice if DH drops dead like my dad did. If your spouse tells you that he is miserable at his job and you can see the toll on him, it takes a pretty selfish person not to be willing to work with the person to find a better situation. And I stand by my assertion that OP's DH did not come out of the blue with this. Perhaps he "up and quit" because he did not think that OP was "hearing" him. Based on her posts (and we only have one side of the story), that would not surprise me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was married to someone like this. You need to read him the riot act. We give up the right to act unilaterally when we get married and have children. He needs to apologize for doing this and promise it will never happen again. If he says that you've failed to listen to his needs, then you need to discuss and address that. He needs to agree to sit down with you and work on a plan for his real estate career that you both agree with. There needs to be a timeline for him to get to a certain place, and an agreement that he will do something else (get a steady job with a certain income) if this time comes and goes.

And you need to see a divorce attorney to figure out where the chips would fall if he fails to follow through. Essentially, this is an ultimatum from you - he needs to show you that you can depend on him, or you need to go on your own.

Very true. For some people it's hard to give up their independence and consult their spouse; for others, it's pure impulsiveness; and the rest are just selfish. Figure out which one you have and act accordingly.

My parents are divorced now, but I swear you could be talking about my dad. Two or three times during the course of their marriage, he basically just decided he didn't like his job and quit. My mom had a very good job so he leaned on her way more than a responsible adult should and just thought somehow they would manage on her salary alone. He was basically like an adult child. When my parents divorced, he moved in with my grandparents.

He sounds like a jerk.

Sorry.

Anonymous wrote:Seems like men have less discretion about finding a "fulfilling" job than women. The expectation is that they will be the ones who work whatever shit job is necessary to pay the bills. Certainly I would never do what OP's husband did; because I know, even if my wife contributes, that paying the bills is ultimately my responsibility. I do think that the responsible guys who do what OP's husband did not -- stick with crap jobs to support their families because it's the right thing to do -- should get more credit than they typically do.

Not really. Increasingly, women earn more than men. I earn 2x what my DH does. He loves his job and I just feel meh about mine - but I gotta support my family, so I soldier on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was married to someone like this. You need to read him the riot act. We give up the right to act unilaterally when we get married and have children. He needs to apologize for doing this and promise it will never happen again. If he says that you've failed to listen to his needs, then you need to discuss and address that. He needs to agree to sit down with you and work on a plan for his real estate career that you both agree with. There needs to be a timeline for him to get to a certain place, and an agreement that he will do something else (get a steady job with a certain income) if this time comes and goes.

And you need to see a divorce attorney to figure out where the chips would fall if he fails to follow through. Essentially, this is an ultimatum from you - he needs to show you that you can depend on him, or you need to go on your own.

Very true. For some people it's hard to give up their independence and consult their spouse; for others, it's pure impulsiveness; and the rest are just selfish. Figure out which one you have and act accordingly.

My parents are divorced now, but I swear you could be talking about my dad. Two or three times during the course of their marriage, he basically just decided he didn't like his job and quit. My mom had a very good job so he leaned on her way more than a responsible adult should and just thought somehow they would manage on her salary alone. He was basically like an adult child. When my parents divorced, he moved in with my grandparents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never quit a job unless you have another job already lined up, specially with children.

They have savings and it sounds like his job was extremely stressful. I would be very pissed off if my partner is a slave driver and only cares about a paycheck.

It doesn't sound like OP is a slave driver. Her husband quit his job w/o any discussion on how that would impact the family. That's irresponsible no matter how you look at it.