Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family has been burned TOO MANY times by people speculating and gossiping and playing telephone with information that is not reliable, or is exaggerated.

If I were you I'd tell your brother that you heard it and it's a possibility, but acknowledge that in a family so screwed up, it's also likely this is bad or tainted info.

Since dad is unlikely to be a willing participating in a paternity test, is it possible for the two of you to be tested to see if you are "full" siblings? If so, propose this if he is interested. It will indicate a "we're in this together" vibe.

I would not share this as a "this is the truth!" story but rather, "I heard this, it's disturbing, do you want to pursue the truth? If so, I'm here with you all the way."

I like this. Good luck, OP. It sounds like you and your brother had a tough childhood and I think it's right that you want to stop keeping secrets.

I also think this is the best idea. And a genetic test would be the easiest way to confirm it - pretty easy since you are either 50% related by blood or 100%. He could feel a great relief to know that his shitty ass dad wasn't really his. It can let him dream that had he had his real dad, life would have been different, and that may be comforting, rather than thinking he just has a dad who doesn't like him.

PP above - sorry -first sentence should have begun, "My grandmother NEVER knew...."

My grandmother knew until she was middle-aged that her mother had divorced and remarried after a very brief first marriage during which my grandmother was conceived. She did not know that the man who raised her was not her father. She did not know that she had a different biological father than her sisters did. She only found out when she finally needed a copy of her birth certificate to get a passport. But when she did finally find out, she also learned that her sisters had always known. The whole family had decided to keep it a secret from her supposedly to spare her feelings. But the unintended consequence was that she always felt like a bit of an outsider in her own family... and she just didn't know why. She felt very bad that she never knew the truth about her fathers until both of them were long dead. She felt very bad that the family had kept a secret from her.

Some people here are saying, what is the point in telling your brother? Well, one of the points is so that he won't resent you if/when he finds out some other way. It is not healthy to keep family secrets. He may not like the truth but he has a right to know. If no one knew, that would be another matter. But he has a right to know what the rest of the family knows about his background.

Don't just tell him to unload.

I think you should sit down with him and tell him what gma told you. He can decide if he wants testing done or not. It might bring him closure.

OP, how do you know that your mother lied to your dad and that your brother was a result of her teenage sleeping around? I know someone who had dated a boyfriend for several years, and her boyfriend broke up with her immediately after he learned about her pregnancy. At the same time, a good friend of hers knew her situation and started taking her out to the movies and such. Of course, he knew that she is pregnant with someone else's baby, but nevertheless proposed to her and they got married. Very soon after the birth of the baby, she got pregnant again and they had another child. When their kids were very little, the family moved to a different country where no one knows the kids have different biological parents. The kids themselves don't know either.

Agree with anyone who said the brother deserves to know. Its not for anyone else to determine what personal journey is up for or not up for. One cannot be the gatekeeper for someone else's reality. Its wrong that others know and he doesnt. He must know so he is given a chance to come to terms.

The one thing is this: ARE WE SURE THIS IS TRUE?? Or is it something your dad only suspects? Why would he make you kids write letters to your mom saying you dont want to see her? That sounds kind of sketchy. OP I think you should definitely support your brother in an investigation of this.
OP: this is tough stuff! But you are doing the right thing by taking on the issues. Tell your brother and stand by him all the way like you said.

Wouldnt you want him to tell YOU if the tables were turned?

Good Luck! I think this will ultimately lead to closure. So sorry about your mothers death. Im glad you got to at least know her. What a mess all around but you are being the right kind of adult here. For what it worth: Im sending you an ((((((electronic hug)))))))).

The good that could come from this is your brother will always know you have his back, and won't keep secrets from him that are huge and are about him. It's a bond between you and your brother. How would you feel if this was you? The guilt alone would kill me. You have to tell him in-person face to face. No kids around. There is no perfect time, and no need to tell him if it's a really bad time in his life now, but I can tell you that the worst time for this to come out is at someone's funeral. Your approach should be - this is what grandma said to me the other day. Tell him this is the first you heard of it, and the two of you can analyze it together, figure out next steps , maybe even talk to grandma together. There will still be alot of unanswered quesitons, but at least you have given him a heads up. That's what love is. Love and respect is doing things that are right, even if they are hard. Imagine if 10 years later, he learns of this by accident, and learns that you were told. Would you prefer that scenario? I wouldn't. Show him this thread.

I think he has a right to know. Just think about it, if the situation was reversed, wouldn’t you want to know? I think every person has the right to know who their biological parents are and withholding this information from them is really a violation of their most basic rights. Who knows, maybe that father would welcome him and is a nice person with a nice family and your brother will get out of this so much more and can finally be happy. I think he deserves to know, please do not let him die not knowing, especially his kids also deserve to know. What if there are medical issues in the future and no one is here to let them know about the family history. Don’t do this to your brother. Good luck

Why tell him? Will anything good come from it? All I can foresee is more deep hurt. What do you wish to accomplish by divulging this information? You will give your brother a lifetime of pain, and that's it.

Anonymous wrote:Ask your Mom to confirm the story first.

She said her Mom passed away!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family has been burned TOO MANY times by people speculating and gossiping and playing telephone with information that is not reliable, or is exaggerated.

If I were you I'd tell your brother that you heard it and it's a possibility, but acknowledge that in a family so screwed up, it's also likely this is bad or tainted info.

Since dad is unlikely to be a willing participating in a paternity test, is it possible for the two of you to be tested to see if you are "full" siblings? If so, propose this if he is interested. It will indicate a "we're in this together" vibe.

I would not share this as a "this is the truth!" story but rather, "I heard this, it's disturbing, do you want to pursue the truth? If so, I'm here with you all the way."

I like this. Good luck, OP. It sounds like you and your brother had a tough childhood and I think it's right that you want to stop keeping secrets.

+1!!!

OP here. Thanks for all the responses so far. To respond to a couple of questions: no, my grandmother doesn't know who the bio father is. I seriously, seriously doubt my father or my mother's sisters would either. At most they might know the guy's first name if my mother had even told anyone that much.

I keep going back-and-forth between (1) thinking my brother should know the truth and then (2) wondering why, if the truth is going to dredge up a lot of hurt and anger, with not much gain from it. Like a couple of PPs have said, I wonder if it might help him to know that my father's attitude toward him is not completely about him but about the circumstances. But does my brother really want to think that he is the result of some teenage sleeping around that led to my mother getting married hastily to someone else? And then never knowing who his biological father or that family is?

My brother has a lot on his plate emotionally as it is, and right now he's having trouble at work and is worried for his job. Plus the holidays are coming up. Is this really a good time to get into it? I like a PPs suggestion that I talk to him in person -- I was definitely thinking I'd have to fly out there and have this conversation face-to-face, if the conversation happens at all.

It helps to hear everybody's thoughts; my brain is all over the place with this, and I alternate between just crying about the whole thing and then thinking "well, what's really going to change? Nothing." Please keep the responses coming.

Call or visit a professional at CASE and ask for their advice.

http://adoptionsupport.org/

If they haven't spoken to each other, they don't even care! So, i wouldn't even bother. Or you can tell your brother, forget about him.