Anonymous
10/24/2013 21:36
Subject: Is this a normal thing for DH to say?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My husband said "I don't think it needs to be done, so I don't have to do it."
This is in relation to a couple things I asked him to do around the house. Not large things, and not all at once. Painting a vent cover to match the wall. Removing a valance the past owner put up. Scrubbing the glass shower stalls of caked on soap scum. He spends 5+ hours on his iPad every night after work, it'd be nice to carve out just an hour for some kind of household project. Instead, he never thinks anything needs to be done which absolves him of any responsibilities while I slave away. I dont mind doing things here and there, but im tired of being the only one pitching in. Seems unfair, but I'm Upset and unreasonable right now.
You tell me. Is it ok for a spouse to say this?
You're asking 2 different questions. Is it normal? Sure, men are lazy. Is it okay? That's up to you.
men are lazy. Men are lazy for you probably. Im a man. I love doing things for the DW. Anything. She comes home to a home cooked meal made by me. Every. Freaking. Day. Last I checked, I fathered 4 kids. Have testicles. Probably a XY chromosomes. Yup. That makes me a male. Oh. Wait. Im over 18. That makes me a man. And I am not lazy.
Now, I can totally see myself being lazy for certain women. Probably I would be if I were trapped in a relationship with the likes of you.
I believe you. What I meant was 'Men who can spell English are lazy,' which doesn't apply to you in whatever trailer park you live in.
Wow. Is this happening? Are we doing this? How about proper grammar? You think men who can spell "English" are lazy? Or did you mean, "Men who can't properly spell in English are lazy?"
Why don't you stick to the issue, and not dance around and trying to distract the issue by attacking how the message is being delivered to you? Yeah, I'd come up with a whole list of shit why I couldn't do anything for you. But the real reason isn't that I couldn't. It's because I wouldn't.....
Go be a spellchecker elsewhere and start treating men with respect. Maybe you'll see that some actually work hard.
Okay, Mrs. Trailer Park.
Anonymous
10/24/2013 21:26
Subject: Is this a normal thing for DH to say?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My husband said "I don't think it needs to be done, so I don't have to do it."
This is in relation to a couple things I asked him to do around the house. Not large things, and not all at once. Painting a vent cover to match the wall. Removing a valance the past owner put up. Scrubbing the glass shower stalls of caked on soap scum. He spends 5+ hours on his iPad every night after work, it'd be nice to carve out just an hour for some kind of household project. Instead, he never thinks anything needs to be done which absolves him of any responsibilities while I slave away. I dont mind doing things here and there, but im tired of being the only one pitching in. Seems unfair, but I'm Upset and unreasonable right now.
You tell me. Is it ok for a spouse to say this?
You're asking 2 different questions. Is it normal? Sure, men are lazy. Is it okay? That's up to you.
men are lazy. Men are lazy for you probably. Im a man. I love doing things for the DW. Anything. She comes home to a home cooked meal made by me. Every. Freaking. Day. Last I checked, I fathered 4 kids. Have testicles. Probably a XY chromosomes. Yup. That makes me a male. Oh. Wait. Im over 18. That makes me a man. And I am not lazy.
Now, I can totally see myself being lazy for certain women. Probably I would be if I were trapped in a relationship with the likes of you.
I believe you. What I meant was 'Men who can spell English are lazy,' which doesn't apply to you in whatever trailer park you live in.
Wow. Is this happening? Are we doing this? How about proper grammar? You think men who can spell "English" are lazy? Or did you mean, "Men who can't properly spell in English are lazy?"
Why don't you stick to the issue, and not dance around and trying to distract the issue by attacking how the message is being delivered to you? Yeah, I'd come up with a whole list of shit why I couldn't do anything for you. But the real reason isn't that I couldn't. It's because I wouldn't.....
Go be a spellchecker elsewhere and start treating men with respect. Maybe you'll see that some actually work hard.
Anonymous
10/24/2013 21:16
Subject: Is this a normal thing for DH to say?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My husband said "I don't think it needs to be done, so I don't have to do it."
This is in relation to a couple things I asked him to do around the house. Not large things, and not all at once. Painting a vent cover to match the wall. Removing a valance the past owner put up. Scrubbing the glass shower stalls of caked on soap scum. He spends 5+ hours on his iPad every night after work, it'd be nice to carve out just an hour for some kind of household project. Instead, he never thinks anything needs to be done which absolves him of any responsibilities while I slave away. I dont mind doing things here and there, but im tired of being the only one pitching in. Seems unfair, but I'm Upset and unreasonable right now.
You tell me. Is it ok for a spouse to say this?
You're asking 2 different questions. Is it normal? Sure, men are lazy. Is it okay? That's up to you.
men are lazy. Men are lazy for you probably. Im a man. I love doing things for the DW. Anything. She comes home to a home cooked meal made by me. Every. Freaking. Day. Last I checked, I fathered 4 kids. Have testicles. Probably a XY chromosomes. Yup. That makes me a male. Oh. Wait. Im over 18. That makes me a man. And I am not lazy.
Now, I can totally see myself being lazy for certain women. Probably I would be if I were trapped in a relationship with the likes of you.
I believe you. What I meant was 'Men who can spell English are lazy,' which doesn't apply to you in whatever trailer park you live in.
Anonymous
10/24/2013 21:12
Subject: Is this a normal thing for DH to say?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My husband said "I don't think it needs to be done, so I don't have to do it."
This is in relation to a couple things I asked him to do around the house. Not large things, and not all at once. Painting a vent cover to match the wall. Removing a valance the past owner put up. Scrubbing the glass shower stalls of caked on soap scum. He spends 5+ hours on his iPad every night after work, it'd be nice to carve out just an hour for some kind of household project. Instead, he never thinks anything needs to be done which absolves him of any responsibilities while I slave away. I dont mind doing things here and there, but im tired of being the only one pitching in. Seems unfair, but I'm Upset and unreasonable right now.
You tell me. Is it ok for a spouse to say this?
You're asking 2 different questions. Is it normal? Sure, men are lazy. Is it okay? That's up to you.
men are lazy. Men are lazy for you probably. Im a man. I love doing things for the DW. Anything. She comes home to a home cooked meal made by me. Every. Freaking. Day. Last I checked, I fathered 4 kids. Have testicles. Probably a XY chromosomes. Yup. That makes me a male. Oh. Wait. Im over 18. That makes me a man. And I am not lazy.
Now, I can totally see myself being lazy for certain women. Probably I would be if I were trapped in a relationship with the likes of you.
Anonymous
10/24/2013 21:09
Subject: Is this a normal thing for DH to say?
Anonymous wrote:My husband said "I don't think it needs to be done, so I don't have to do it."
This is in relation to a couple things I asked him to do around the house. Not large things, and not all at once. Painting a vent cover to match the wall. Removing a valance the past owner put up. Scrubbing the glass shower stalls of caked on soap scum. He spends 5+ hours on his iPad every night after work, it'd be nice to carve out just an hour for some kind of household project. Instead, he never thinks anything needs to be done which absolves him of any responsibilities while I slave away. I dont mind doing things here and there, but im tired of being the only one pitching in. Seems unfair, but I'm Upset and unreasonable right now.
You tell me. Is it ok for a spouse to say this?
Carve out an hour? Lady, what you want done isnt just an hour of work. Plus if he gave you an hour, would you not say, he spends only 20% of his time doing shit around the house, the rest is on his iPAD.
This is grown up time. Meaning its time to step up to the plate and talk to him like a man and relate to him like a man, not a man-boy. Respect him. Discuss nicely and ask nicely what you would like to have done because of XYZ. E.g., I would like the vent cover to match the wall. Otherwise, it stands out too much and bothers me. Would you be able to schedule some time to do that for me?
While you slave away? Is is really like that? You have a chain around your neck, he has a whip? Does he not work? Does he not deserve down time after work? Respect his down time, and he'll respect your wishes to be done by him. Tell him you respect his abilities to do certain things, which you obviously do, which is why you're asking him. Grow up and learn to discuss meaningfully. Not passing blame, but these comments are for him too. Act like a husband! Do your shit.
Anonymous
10/24/2013 20:10
Subject: Is this a normal thing for DH to say?
Anonymous wrote:My husband said "I don't think it needs to be done, so I don't have to do it."
This is in relation to a couple things I asked him to do around the house. Not large things, and not all at once. Painting a vent cover to match the wall. Removing a valance the past owner put up. Scrubbing the glass shower stalls of caked on soap scum. He spends 5+ hours on his iPad every night after work, it'd be nice to carve out just an hour for some kind of household project. Instead, he never thinks anything needs to be done which absolves him of any responsibilities while I slave away. I dont mind doing things here and there, but im tired of being the only one pitching in. Seems unfair, but I'm Upset and unreasonable right now.
You tell me. Is it ok for a spouse to say this?
You're asking 2 different questions. Is it normal? Sure, men are lazy. Is it okay? That's up to you.
Anonymous
10/24/2013 20:00
Subject: Is this a normal thing for DH to say?
Great. Then you don't think his laundry needs to be washed, or his meals need to be cooked.
or that he needs BJs.
Two way street.
or that he needs BJs.
Two way street.
Anonymous
10/24/2013 17:35
Subject: Re:Is this a normal thing for DH to say?
OP my H does the same thing.
Anonymous
10/24/2013 17:12
Subject: Re:Is this a normal thing for DH to say?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Here's what I've done in my marriage. I've found things that I truly don't care about - the yard, the cat's litter box, anything having to do with maintaining our cars, all TV and technology related items - and I give DH responsibility for them. If the lawn is waist high, don't care. His problem. If the cable goes out because something broke or the bill didn't get paid and I have to read books for the next year, don't care. His problem. If the cat's litter box is full and they poop right next to it, don't care. I never go near the litter box, so I don't even notice. At least in my husband's case, when he knows he's responsible for stuff and he knows no one is watching over him about when he does it or how he does it, he figures it out. And if he doesn't and there is some consequence...don't care, his problem to fix it.
The key is I'm not pretending to not care. I really and truly don't care. It's liberating. And I had to consciously think about and find these things to lighten my mental load of responsibilities.
Of course I have things I really do care about, and I take charge of them without resentment.
So...my advice...if you really care about something, do it yourself. And if you find that you care about every little thing and your husband cares about nothing, try the above exercise and find stuff to truly let go of and let DH live with the consequences.
Seems kind of condescending the way you describe it. Like roommates.
I can see that. We're not just roommates though. Definitely husband and wife and all that goes with it! It was more a mental exercise for me to let go of things. And it worked for me. But all that said, my DH is a helpful and competent person. So me letting go of these things did not equal disaster.
I think in many relationships, the wife can't let go of anything or has exacting specifications and the guy just gives up trying to do anything and there is a lot of resentment. It's a toxic dynamic.
Anonymous
10/24/2013 17:07
Subject: Re:Is this a normal thing for DH to say?
Anonymous wrote:Here's what I've done in my marriage. I've found things that I truly don't care about - the yard, the cat's litter box, anything having to do with maintaining our cars, all TV and technology related items - and I give DH responsibility for them. If the lawn is waist high, don't care. His problem. If the cable goes out because something broke or the bill didn't get paid and I have to read books for the next year, don't care. His problem. If the cat's litter box is full and they poop right next to it, don't care. I never go near the litter box, so I don't even notice. At least in my husband's case, when he knows he's responsible for stuff and he knows no one is watching over him about when he does it or how he does it, he figures it out. And if he doesn't and there is some consequence...don't care, his problem to fix it.
The key is I'm not pretending to not care. I really and truly don't care. It's liberating. And I had to consciously think about and find these things to lighten my mental load of responsibilities.
Of course I have things I really do care about, and I take charge of them without resentment.
So...my advice...if you really care about something, do it yourself. And if you find that you care about every little thing and your husband cares about nothing, try the above exercise and find stuff to truly let go of and let DH live with the consequences.
Seems kind of condescending the way you describe it. Like roommates.
Anonymous
10/24/2013 17:00
Subject: Is this a normal thing for DH to say?
OP, how would you feel if DH handed you a list of things he wanted YOU to do?? If there are things I want to get done that DH does not care about, I do them. And, vice versa.
Unless you are talking about a totally unequal distribution of labor like he doesn't do any housework. But if there's some project he doesn't want to undertake then hire a handyman or do it yourself.
Unless you are talking about a totally unequal distribution of labor like he doesn't do any housework. But if there's some project he doesn't want to undertake then hire a handyman or do it yourself.
Anonymous
10/24/2013 16:58
Subject: Re:Is this a normal thing for DH to say?
DO those things yourself, and then ask him to do some of the things you do regularly that can't really be considered optional: cooking, laundry, dishes. DH has never, and probably will never, clean out a closet, organize the bins in the bathroom (but he can damn well mess them up) or order blinds. But he will go tot he store, do dishes and fold laundry.
Anonymous
10/24/2013 16:50
Subject: Is this a normal thing for DH to say?
16:45 ~ the exercise she outlined works very well with teenagers.
Anonymous
10/24/2013 16:47
Subject: Is this a normal thing for DH to say?
Totally ok for him to say/think it. Your chores are not worth it to him. If it's worth it to you - hire someone or do it yourself.
Anonymous
10/24/2013 16:45
Subject: Re:Is this a normal thing for DH to say?
Here's what I've done in my marriage. I've found things that I truly don't care about - the yard, the cat's litter box, anything having to do with maintaining our cars, all TV and technology related items - and I give DH responsibility for them. If the lawn is waist high, don't care. His problem. If the cable goes out because something broke or the bill didn't get paid and I have to read books for the next year, don't care. His problem. If the cat's litter box is full and they poop right next to it, don't care. I never go near the litter box, so I don't even notice. At least in my husband's case, when he knows he's responsible for stuff and he knows no one is watching over him about when he does it or how he does it, he figures it out. And if he doesn't and there is some consequence...don't care, his problem to fix it.
The key is I'm not pretending to not care. I really and truly don't care. It's liberating. And I had to consciously think about and find these things to lighten my mental load of responsibilities.
Of course I have things I really do care about, and I take charge of them without resentment.
So...my advice...if you really care about something, do it yourself. And if you find that you care about every little thing and your husband cares about nothing, try the above exercise and find stuff to truly let go of and let DH live with the consequences.
The key is I'm not pretending to not care. I really and truly don't care. It's liberating. And I had to consciously think about and find these things to lighten my mental load of responsibilities.
Of course I have things I really do care about, and I take charge of them without resentment.
So...my advice...if you really care about something, do it yourself. And if you find that you care about every little thing and your husband cares about nothing, try the above exercise and find stuff to truly let go of and let DH live with the consequences.