Anonymous
Post 10/22/2013 15:33     Subject: reality check - for people whose parents live with them
Anonymous wrote:OP again. I should have added that for those of you who aren't currently dealing with eldercare, just wait. It's very easy to be self-righteous when you're not dealing with it personally. I also have two DCs under three and a DH with serious healthcare issues, i.e. cancer; I hope you won't have as many issues on your plate to deal with when you all the perfect children to your aging parents.


You received a lot of good feedback from people who ARE hosting their parents, who all agree that asking for more money is tacky. I'm sorry you have so much on your plate now, but asking your mom for more cash isn't going to solve that. Have some perspective.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2013 15:24     Subject: reality check - for people whose parents live with them
My mom lives with us. She has offered several times to pay us rent, and tried to write us $600 checks. We wouldn't take it. But she's also very helpful and does a lot around the house, including dropping off and picking up our children from school. So I think we should be paying her. I think every situation is different.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2013 17:32     Subject: reality check - for people whose parents live with them
I understand, I just personally would approach this situation by telling the MIL to stop the offending conduct, not asking the MIL to give me more money. I feel like if my mom or MIL had to live with us for a while, I would have a right to ask her to behave herself but no business asking her to reimburse me.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2013 14:29     Subject: Re:reality check - for people whose parents live with them
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

It can cost much, much more. Our MIL wanted to cook every meal from scratch using fresh, organic ingredients and we were spending over $500 weekly in groceries. It was not the food she ate herself, it was the way of life that she forced on everyone that was making life with her very very expensive. Maybe OP's mother will merely join as an extra plate/bed in which case the cost would be minimal. But what some people fail to grasp here is that its often not that simple when someone joins your household (especially a parent used to having her way with her children for years).


In that case - I'd say "well, then, you need to buy groceries. That would put our expenses WELL over normal. We can't afford to eat like that."


Yes, but she would then feel very hurt, claiming this is not to be true, that we are treating her as a servant and just plan ruin it for everyone.

I am by no means saying this is the rule or anything, just that PPs who are aghast at the idea that $200 seems too little (or that OP is thinking about money at all) do not fully grasp the possibilities of a parent moving in. It can in fact get very expensive/burdensome.


That's a fair point but the above isn't really about money, its about your MIL insisting that she dictate how other people behave. If OP had said "My mother has moved in, insists on cooking every meal, and requires us to all eat what the made every evening" I would fully support her telling the mom to knock it off. But the problem in that situation isn't the ingredient costs, its a boundaries issue.


I agree, at the core it was not a financial issue, but maybe OP took that into account. Like, I know next time MIL visits it will be a substantial monetary cost, I mention this to you and you feel I am overestimating financial costs of a presence of an eldery woman, but I didnt want to elaborate yet know from experience that that would be the only way to live with her without constant meltdowns. Sorry for hijacking the thread, I only wanted to give an example.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2013 14:21     Subject: Re:reality check - for people whose parents live with them
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

It can cost much, much more. Our MIL wanted to cook every meal from scratch using fresh, organic ingredients and we were spending over $500 weekly in groceries. It was not the food she ate herself, it was the way of life that she forced on everyone that was making life with her very very expensive. Maybe OP's mother will merely join as an extra plate/bed in which case the cost would be minimal. But what some people fail to grasp here is that its often not that simple when someone joins your household (especially a parent used to having her way with her children for years).


In that case - I'd say "well, then, you need to buy groceries. That would put our expenses WELL over normal. We can't afford to eat like that."


Yes, but she would then feel very hurt, claiming this is not to be true, that we are treating her as a servant and just plan ruin it for everyone.

I am by no means saying this is the rule or anything, just that PPs who are aghast at the idea that $200 seems too little (or that OP is thinking about money at all) do not fully grasp the possibilities of a parent moving in. It can in fact get very expensive/burdensome.


oh. so she's a martyr? Hate that.


Basically she wanted to boss us around 24/7. If we complied, which we did most of the time, it was very expensive and annoying (put this here, why don't you wear this not that etc) and if we didn't she would start crying how we were disrespectful.

Again, I am not saying this is a rule or trying to discourage anyone, just saying, if OP thinks her mom would cost more than $200 she might have a reason to think so and should not be labeled ungrateful right off the bat.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2013 14:15     Subject: Re:reality check - for people whose parents live with them
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

It can cost much, much more. Our MIL wanted to cook every meal from scratch using fresh, organic ingredients and we were spending over $500 weekly in groceries. It was not the food she ate herself, it was the way of life that she forced on everyone that was making life with her very very expensive. Maybe OP's mother will merely join as an extra plate/bed in which case the cost would be minimal. But what some people fail to grasp here is that its often not that simple when someone joins your household (especially a parent used to having her way with her children for years).


In that case - I'd say "well, then, you need to buy groceries. That would put our expenses WELL over normal. We can't afford to eat like that."


Yes, but she would then feel very hurt, claiming this is not to be true, that we are treating her as a servant and just plan ruin it for everyone.

I am by no means saying this is the rule or anything, just that PPs who are aghast at the idea that $200 seems too little (or that OP is thinking about money at all) do not fully grasp the possibilities of a parent moving in. It can in fact get very expensive/burdensome.


That's a fair point but the above isn't really about money, its about your MIL insisting that she dictate how other people behave. If OP had said "My mother has moved in, insists on cooking every meal, and requires us to all eat what the made every evening" I would fully support her telling the mom to knock it off. But the problem in that situation isn't the ingredient costs, its a boundaries issue.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2013 14:06     Subject: Re:reality check - for people whose parents live with them
Anonymous wrote:

It can cost much, much more. Our MIL wanted to cook every meal from scratch using fresh, organic ingredients and we were spending over $500 weekly in groceries. It was not the food she ate herself, it was the way of life that she forced on everyone that was making life with her very very expensive. Maybe OP's mother will merely join as an extra plate/bed in which case the cost would be minimal. But what some people fail to grasp here is that its often not that simple when someone joins your household (especially a parent used to having her way with her children for years).


In that case - I'd say "well, then, you need to buy groceries. That would put our expenses WELL over normal. We can't afford to eat like that."


Yes, but she would then feel very hurt, claiming this is not to be true, that we are treating her as a servant and just plan ruin it for everyone.

I am by no means saying this is the rule or anything, just that PPs who are aghast at the idea that $200 seems too little (or that OP is thinking about money at all) do not fully grasp the possibilities of a parent moving in. It can in fact get very expensive/burdensome.


oh. so she's a martyr? Hate that.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2013 14:02     Subject: Re:reality check - for people whose parents live with them
Anonymous wrote:

It can cost much, much more. Our MIL wanted to cook every meal from scratch using fresh, organic ingredients and we were spending over $500 weekly in groceries. It was not the food she ate herself, it was the way of life that she forced on everyone that was making life with her very very expensive. Maybe OP's mother will merely join as an extra plate/bed in which case the cost would be minimal. But what some people fail to grasp here is that its often not that simple when someone joins your household (especially a parent used to having her way with her children for years).


In that case - I'd say "well, then, you need to buy groceries. That would put our expenses WELL over normal. We can't afford to eat like that."


Yes, but she would then feel very hurt, claiming this is not to be true, that we are treating her as a servant and just plan ruin it for everyone.

I am by no means saying this is the rule or anything, just that PPs who are aghast at the idea that $200 seems too little (or that OP is thinking about money at all) do not fully grasp the possibilities of a parent moving in. It can in fact get very expensive/burdensome.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2013 13:58     Subject: reality check - for people whose parents live with them
Anonymous wrote:Will having an extra person eating at your house really cost more than 200 a month? I am honestly asking. If it is really a financial problem for you to host her, I think you can say something the lines of, "mom, I feel bad asking this, but is there any way you can do $300 a month? We are having a rough time now in light of [XYZ]. If you can't that's ok, but if you can, it would really help us." If it is not a true financial hardship you should just take the $200 and say nothing. I would take nothing at all from my mom to live with me, but I am in a good financial place (though not rich, comfortably middle class).


I had the same question. Your mom eats all of her meals at home and the ingredients cost her more than $200?

I agree its annoying to have someone take up 1/3rd of your house, but it really seems like you are stretching to make this into a net financial hit. Most of the things you want to bill her for are sunk costs.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2013 13:17     Subject: reality check - for people whose parents live with them
My mother lives with me. I honestly don't think she costs us more than $100 a month if that. But she is a ton of help as well, and I've never sat down and calculated it.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2013 12:48     Subject: Re:reality check - for people whose parents live with them

It can cost much, much more. Our MIL wanted to cook every meal from scratch using fresh, organic ingredients and we were spending over $500 weekly in groceries. It was not the food she ate herself, it was the way of life that she forced on everyone that was making life with her very very expensive. Maybe OP's mother will merely join as an extra plate/bed in which case the cost would be minimal. But what some people fail to grasp here is that its often not that simple when someone joins your household (especially a parent used to having her way with her children for years).


In that case - I'd say "well, then, you need to buy groceries. That would put our expenses WELL over normal. We can't afford to eat like that."
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2013 12:26     Subject: reality check - for people whose parents live with them
Unless you expect her to die and there won't be hard feelings later, just forget about it...
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2013 12:09     Subject: reality check - for people whose parents live with them
Anonymous wrote:Will having an extra person eating at your house really cost more than 200 a month? I am honestly asking. If it is really a financial problem for you to host her, I think you can say something the lines of, "mom, I feel bad asking this, but is there any way you can do $300 a month? We are having a rough time now in light of [XYZ]. If you can't that's ok, but if you can, it would really help us." If it is not a true financial hardship you should just take the $200 and say nothing. I would take nothing at all from my mom to live with me, but I am in a good financial place (though not rich, comfortably middle class).


It can cost much, much more. Our MIL wanted to cook every meal from scratch using fresh, organic ingredients and we were spending over $500 weekly in groceries. It was not the food she ate herself, it was the way of life that she forced on everyone that was making life with her very very expensive. Maybe OP's mother will merely join as an extra plate/bed in which case the cost would be minimal. But what some people fail to grasp here is that its often not that simple when someone joins your household (especially a parent used to having her way with her children for years).
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2013 11:02     Subject: reality check - for people whose parents live with them
Will having an extra person eating at your house really cost more than 200 a month? I am honestly asking. If it is really a financial problem for you to host her, I think you can say something the lines of, "mom, I feel bad asking this, but is there any way you can do $300 a month? We are having a rough time now in light of [XYZ]. If you can't that's ok, but if you can, it would really help us." If it is not a true financial hardship you should just take the $200 and say nothing. I would take nothing at all from my mom to live with me, but I am in a good financial place (though not rich, comfortably middle class).