"His" security clearance is not just his. His wife and children benefit from it, too.

I think what's missing here is your husband's reaction. Is he deeply sorry that he crossed the line he crossed? And willing to go to therapy both with and without you in order to make sure it never happens again? In that case it's worth giving him a chance.

On the other hand if he's totally uncontrite, I'd get the best lawyer I could find, trade your willingness to not ruin his security clearance for the custody arrangement you feel is safest (And keep good records so that you can follow through if he calls your bluff) and move on with your life, always taking the high road for your children in front of them.

My guess is that the truth is somewhere in between but honestly his behavior and genuine attitude now are as important as the incident. If you are convinced he is insufficiently motivated to change so this never happens again you must realize you are staring at a pattern of escalating abuse, however poorly thought out this trip was. Don't look at your 1st class education as something that has made you immune to this situation, as sadly it hasn't and that's not that unusual. What your first class education gives you is an understanding of how to react correctly to it. Use it.

And I'm very sorry this has happened to you. Best of luck to you and your children.

OP, you've been with your husband for a long time. This was the first incident of unacceptable behavior, and all that was destroyed was a phone. Your marriage needs work. But please don't listen to the DCUM hysteria.

OP, I'm not trying to flame you, but I think the PP above is correct. Your husband needs anger management therapy, and you probably need therapy as well. But I think calling 911 because your husband broke your cell phone is an overreaction - which is perfectly okay and understandable. DCUM is the kind of place where other posters want to be protective, which is great. But not every angry fight is a domestic violence case, or an automatic path to divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suggest The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.

That book is good. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with intimate relationships, though. Lots of idiots populate this forum.

Have you read it? It most certainly DOES deal with intimate relationships.

It doesn't even discuss stalking by a stranger because it's so rare.

Anonymous wrote:So you have a 3 yo and a 1 yo but you just had to go to some stupid trip that your husband was adamantly opposed to. And then you call 911 because he broke your cell phone. What a bitch you are. I hope he divorces you.

Reading comprehension Fail.

Dump him.

So you have a 3 yo and a 1 yo but you just had to go to some stupid trip that your husband was adamantly opposed to. And then you call 911 because he broke your cell phone. What a bitch you are. I hope he divorces you.

Skimmed posts. Domestic violence is real. Those of you downplaying her cry for help, please reread her post, plant yourselves in her shoes and reflect over what perhaps pushed her towards reaching out to an anon forum (assuming no trolly polly).

OP - some good solid advice here. Sad news is that, as you know, aggression creeps up until its unbearable and you wonder, how in the hell is this MY life.

Hugs OP. You can weather this storm as cheesy as this sounds. You must, however, take action which you have done. Bravo for your courage. Keep it up and protect your sweet kids. More hugs.

OP, if your daughter were married to this man, what would you want her to do? What would your fears for her be? Would your gut be screaming that she is in danger?

OP, I was once in a similar position. Husband with a high level security clearance and a severe drinking problem that developed half way through our marriage. He had black out times were he didn't remember his aggressive and horrible behavior. Finally I did get thrown against a wall and whacked about as our 2 year old screamed. He got help, but not then and I didn't call the police. My Ex's drinking and violence were out of characters for him, but,lasted for several years and symptom of a very unhappy marriage on both sides. He left, I am very happy he did, and so is he. Your marriage might be salvageable. Mine was not because I could not forget what he did and why. Examine how you feel and the underlying reasons you're marriage has taken this turn.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're putting him first when you say you didn't report it because his work depends on a security clearance. You need to put yourself first. But before you do anything you need a safety plan. You are married to a man who has demonstrated he has a terrible temper. He has the capacity to hurt you. Please protect yourself! Anyone of any background can find themselves in a situation like this-- stop blaming yourself.

The website that helped me through the same scenario you're in: our-place-online.net. It is a community of people who have been in this situation. Delete your browsing history; don't let him discover you are exploring your options.

This is nuts. She's been married to the man for more than 10 years. He destroyed a cell phone. She does not need a "safety plan".

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suggest The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.

That book is good. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with intimate relationships, though. Lots of idiots populate this forum.

Have you read it? It most certainly DOES deal with intimate relationships.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You make me feel threatened, you destroy my property, if you cheat, you walk.

I would never stay with anyone that did what your husband did. I wouldn't even care about therapy. I'd file for divorce.

So if your husband felt threatened by something you said or did you would think the best thing would be for him to just take the kids and walk away?

Not the PP but yes, if my husband called the cops who subsequently told me to remove myself from the house and calm down, I would expect him to take the kids and walk away. Plus, it sounds like this wasn't a one time incident, rather something in a series of incidents. I don't know any form of a healthy relationship where one spouse threatens another.

Anonymous wrote:You're putting him first when you say you didn't report it because his work depends on a security clearance. You need to put yourself first. But before you do anything you need a safety plan. You are married to a man who has demonstrated he has a terrible temper. He has the capacity to hurt you. Please protect yourself! Anyone of any background can find themselves in a situation like this-- stop blaming yourself.

The website that helped me through the same scenario you're in: our-place-online.net. It is a community of people who have been in this situation. Delete your browsing history; don't let him discover you are exploring your options.

You are projecting. How do you know he has the capacity to hurt her any more than she has the capacity to hurt him? He hasn't hurt her. He broke her phone. You are talking to her as though he beat her up.

Anonymous wrote:You make me feel threatened, you destroy my property, if you cheat, you walk.

I would never stay with anyone that did what your husband did. I wouldn't even care about therapy. I'd file for divorce.

So if your husband felt threatened by something you said or did you would think the best thing would be for him to just take the kids and walk away?