Anonymous wrote:

Thanks all. I'm clearly having trouble conveying myself, and the church thing is kind of a red herring although it was what crossed the line for me. Basically there’s a longstanding pattern of kind of holding the family hostage with stubbornness. Like if everyone but her prefers a certain restaurant, she will stay home rather than go to the one she doesn’t want to go to. Or if she finishes eating early and others aren’t ready to go yet, she will go sit in the car. Or she will bring her large dog to inappropriate places. And then she is innocently oblivious that her actions cause others discomfort.

PPs are probably right that I need to start setting firmer boundaries, and just let the chips fall. I really do like her, I just get so frustrated that she herself expects so much sensitivity, but does not extend others the same courtesy.

Ugh - Okay, OP. Forget the church thing. This is the problem. Your post right here. And it's my BIGGEST pet peeve of familial behaviors. So, I want to try and help you through this. You need to repeat this mantra every day, every evening until you see SIL again. "I own my own behaviors. I own my own decisions. No one can make me feel a certain way. And no one can make me do something I don't want to do."

You see, here's the problem. You (and your entire IL family apparently) bends over backwards to accommodate your SIL. And then get mad at HER because YOU agreed to do something. You get mad at her because YOU feel a certain way (discomfort) it's not her stubbornness, her rudeness, her personality or her anything that's the problem. It's yours (and your families). If she stays home because she doesn't like a restaurant - that's HER issue - not yours. You all make a family decision and enjoy it. It is up to her to go or stay home. She eats and sits in the car - you order a dessert if you want one and enjoy yourselves.

Do you get it? You control YOUR emotions and behaviors. No one else. She cannot make you do anything. You need to practice this until it starts getting comfortable for you. Once that happens, you'll be able to enjoy her company on her terms.....AND YOUR TERMS.

I agree, but how does this work with the dog situation? If they've agreed to rent a house together and have it be no dogs, and sil shows u with a dog, and op wants to protect her allergic kids from having to spend a week miserable with a dog, how do you handle this? My sister once did this, and when we to,d her to kennel the dogs (my parents even. Offered to pay for one near the beach house) she threatened to drive home with all her kids and everyone gave in.

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who won't put aside their feelings for an hour of their life for the happiness of their host was raised as a spoiled brat and comes off as a close-minded and immature adult. Refusing to accommodate someone for ONE HOUR after they rearranged their entire weekend to accommodate you is just plain rude.

Okaay, Whacko!

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. I'm clearly having trouble conveying myself, and the church thing is kind of a red herring although it was what crossed the line for me. Basically there’s a longstanding pattern of kind of holding the family hostage with stubbornness. Like if everyone but her prefers a certain restaurant, she will stay home rather than go to the one she doesn’t want to go to. Or if she finishes eating early and others aren’t ready to go yet, she will go sit in the car. Or she will bring her large dog to inappropriate places. And then she is innocently oblivious that her actions cause others discomfort.

PPs are probably right that I need to start setting firmer boundaries, and just let the chips fall. I really do like her, I just get so frustrated that she herself expects so much sensitivity, but does not extend others the same courtesy.

I am a person of very deep faith, and I would NEVER force any other adult to go to Church with me.
Think of it this way, God gives us free will, who are you to take it away?
If your faith is important, you don't want your demands to drive her further away from God.
Now, the other stuff: let her babyish behind sit in the car, not go to dinner, and sit on the corner with her big-behind dog.
Why in the world is this stuff bothering you and since it seems to really get to you why in the world have you not called her out on it?
"Larla, while you are in the car, we'll be sitting here enjoying the rest of our dinner -- BUH-BYE"!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who won't put aside their feelings for an hour of their life for the happiness of their host was raised as a spoiled brat and comes off as a close-minded and immature adult. Refusing to accommodate someone for ONE HOUR after they rearranged their entire weekend to accommodate you is just plain rude.

That's absurd. If you had Jewish friends visiting you, would you insist they go to church as well?

It's not about religion. It's about manners and social decorum.

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who won't put aside their feelings for an hour of their life for the happiness of their host was raised as a spoiled brat and comes off as a close-minded and immature adult. Refusing to accommodate someone for ONE HOUR after they rearranged their entire weekend to accommodate you is just plain rude.

That's absurd. If you had Jewish friends visiting you, would you insist they go to church as well?

Wow, do I really sound that awful? Why?

You sound awful OP.

Get off your high horse about Church.

Stop making up drama and let it be.

your sil sounds childish, selfish and stubborn in a lot of ways. and either terribly oblivious or totally aware and everyone lets her get away with it.

i don't understand getting upset over the church thing. i get that it was more that you feel like you always go out of your way for her and you wanted her to do something and she refused to go out of her way for you, but church isn't the same as agreeing to go to your favorite restaurant or store. even if it is less religious.

as rude as it was for her to not rent the car and expect all the rides, i think you and your husband should have stood up and said something. you let her take advantage of you all weekend, knowing that she was taking advantage of you, and then are upset at the end of it that she took advantage of you. now you know for next time that you need to either drive her everywhere or tell her to get her own transportation.

have you talked to her about any of her behaviors? what does she say?

my sil refuses to come in for holidays and attend family events that we attend but then she is upset when we don't rearrange our plans to fit whatever she wants us to do on a random year that she suddenly wants everyone to get together. and yet somehow my mil doesnt see it and we always look like the bad guys. i don't think you are the bad guys if you don't rearrange your plans for her. do what works best for you and your family. her issues with her mother aren't your problems to solve to deal with.

Thank you 14:32 PP. That's super helpful. It's true that I feel a lot of discomfort. It sucks to go to a nice dinner and everyone's either mad because she is home sulking, or mad because we gave into what she wanted. Same with the stupid dog - sucked to have to put up with it at the house all weekend with everyone grouchy about it and the kids sneezing. There is just tension about something EVERY time she is around, and she is oblivious while I get more and more stressed trying to play peacemaker. Sigh. I guess I just need to expect it, and set boundaries like everyone recommends. Which I am clearly bad at!

Thanks all. I'm clearly having trouble conveying myself, and the church thing is kind of a red herring although it was what crossed the line for me. Basically there’s a longstanding pattern of kind of holding the family hostage with stubbornness. Like if everyone but her prefers a certain restaurant, she will stay home rather than go to the one she doesn’t want to go to. Or if she finishes eating early and others aren’t ready to go yet, she will go sit in the car. Or she will bring her large dog to inappropriate places. And then she is innocently oblivious that her actions cause others discomfort.

PPs are probably right that I need to start setting firmer boundaries, and just let the chips fall. I really do like her, I just get so frustrated that she herself expects so much sensitivity, but does not extend others the same courtesy.

Ugh - Okay, OP. Forget the church thing. This is the problem. Your post right here. And it's my BIGGEST pet peeve of familial behaviors. So, I want to try and help you through this. You need to repeat this mantra every day, every evening until you see SIL again. "I own my own behaviors. I own my own decisions. No one can make me feel a certain way. And no one can make me do something I don't want to do."

You see, here's the problem. You (and your entire IL family apparently) bends over backwards to accommodate your SIL. And then get mad at HER because YOU agreed to do something. You get mad at her because YOU feel a certain way (discomfort) it's not her stubbornness, her rudeness, her personality or her anything that's the problem. It's yours (and your families). If she stays home because she doesn't like a restaurant - that's HER issue - not yours. You all make a family decision and enjoy it. It is up to her to go or stay home. She eats and sits in the car - you order a dessert if you want one and enjoy yourselves.

Do you get it? You control YOUR emotions and behaviors. No one else. She cannot make you do anything. You need to practice this until it starts getting comfortable for you. Once that happens, you'll be able to enjoy her company on her terms.....AND YOUR TERMS.

OP, you sound like a nightmare.

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to accept that your SIL is not going anywhere that she doesn't want to. That's her MO. So, make your holiday plans — including Christmas events at your church or special restaurants — and just accept that you will be doing those things without her. Don't feel bad about it. It doesn't need to inconvenience or embarrass you if she chooses to sit in the car, like one of your examples.

I would insist she rents a car, however, if she has things she plans to do on her own in the area.

OP here. This is very helpful. Thank you.

^^ Shut up!! You sound obnoxious!! It is NOT OKAY to expect someone to go to your church. You sound like a Sunday Christian to me, where is your compassion for how she feels? It's all about you.

Op here - for what it's worth, it's a Unitarian church. We barely mention God! EVERYONE there doesn't like organized religion!

Anonymous wrote:I think you are rude to force church on her.

[b]

x100000 Who the f*** do you think you are, OP??? You are out of line... And I go to church!!