Anonymous wrote:

He needs to grow up and pay for his education himself. If he cannot afford it, he can take out loans. You are not talking about an 18-19-20 year old. You are talking about a 30 year old. No way my husband would pay for his grown kids education. They got one opportunity. Some took it, some did not. Their choice. He's done.

He tried to take out a student loan, but needed a co-signer. DH again was willing, but I said "No way", I don't want us to co-sign a 36K loan knowing his inability to make payments.

What school is he going to attend? Send him to UDC for graduate school.He should be afford to pay for it himself.

I hate your step-son. And by continuing to give him money, you are enabling.

I hope he hasn't procreated. Because watching my idiot BIL go down a similar route, that is where this train wreck is headed.

DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN!!! You do not want to be stuck with a 30-something moron living at home with several illegitimate children like my IL's.

Stop the insanity now. Tough love. This is NOT hard times - he fucked up his life all on his own. He needs to figure his way out of the mess like a grown ass person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Sure, but he is the primary parent and seems to want to pay (and it sounds like you can afford it). I wouldn't want to create resentment.

We don't have any spare money lying around. We need it ourselves. There are lots of uses for the money - we need to replace a car, our dishwasher is dying at 15 years old, MIL's house needs repairs, we need more savings in emergency fund, etc. etc.

So paying for his education is not pain free.

Once we paid $20,000 for a year in a private school in an effort to prevent him from dropping out completely. He didn't study and failed half of his classes and dropped out anyway.

He needs to grow up and pay for his education himself. If he cannot afford it, he can take out loans. You are not talking about an 18-19-20 year old. You are talking about a 30 year old. No way my husband would pay for his grown kids education. They got one opportunity. Some took it, some did not. Their choice. He's done.

OP, I paid my own way after working for several years and saving up.

I have ZERO patience for spoiled, and parents who dish out money to their kids like water. Some parents pay for the kids apartment - REALLY??!! No. Way. You would be enabling him if you paid for it.

Anonymous wrote:Why would you lend him money to buy a car? That is something I would never do. Conditional support to assist with education expenses is the only financial support I would ever give a kid older than 21.

I wouldn't, but my DH is a doormat when it comes to his son.

Why would you lend him money to buy a car? That is something I would never do. Conditional support to assist with education expenses is the only financial support I would ever give a kid older than 21.

Anonymous wrote:I would be concerned with the classes he is failing, does the school allow you to stay if you keep failing classes? I would like to know where he stands, if he is on the brink of getting kicked out and if you were to pay for classes what is is plan for making sure he gets a C or better? He may be 30, but he's acting like an 18 yr old, (an immature one)

You know, I was surprised at this too - that the schools would allow him to constantly drop classes and fail and then just take them over again. But it's not high ranking schools, they have high drop out rates and they don't care.

He's also not consistent - he'll frequently make As and Bs in other classes. I think he just doesn't like to make an effort, prefers to do what's easy. I think he had to take Calculus pre-requisite three times.

Anonymous wrote:
If you're willing to compromise, can you give him the same offer as his employer? You will pay for 25% for those classes where he earns a C or higher?

It has crossed my mind after I read this thread.
If he decides to go to grad school and asks for financial support I'll insist on this scenario. For now, he only has 1 semester left, thank God!

I just have a sinking feeling that he'll continue to ask us for help after school.

Oh, and once he borrowed $5000 from us to pay for a car and then stopped making payments halfway due to some circumstances.

I would be concerned with the classes he is failing, does the school allow you to stay if you keep failing classes? I would like to know where he stands, if he is on the brink of getting kicked out and if you were to pay for classes what is is plan for making sure he gets a C or better? He may be 30, but he's acting like an 18 yr old, (an immature one)

My answer is no way.
If you're willing to compromise, can you give him the same offer as his employer? You will pay for 25% for those classes where he earns a C or higher? Or would that set up the repaying student loan scenario you are not keen on?

No way, no how. We all make mistakes, but when you're 30 you have to fix them yourself.

I also wouldn't pay money for college if my 19 year old were failing and dropping classes. With money, comes attachment strings and requirements like good grades.

Anonymous wrote:
Thank goodness he at least isn't living in your house being a complete freeloader.

He did ask to live with us. DH was willing to let him, but I said "No!" I said he could stay for 3 months to get back on his feet and then he has to move out.

So he lived with his mother for a long time, until she started charging him rent.

Now he's able to make ends meet to live on his own.

Anonymous wrote:

Once we paid $20,000 for a year in a private school in an effort to prevent him from dropping out completely. He didn't study and failed half of his classes and dropped out anyway.

see, this alone would make me say FUCK NO a thousand times over.

My parents were very upfront with me - they paid for my nice college education, but there was no screwing around. They were unhappy when I came home with a couple c's one semester. They threatened to bring me home and stick me in the state school up the road and make me pay for most of it myself.

He's made his bed, honestly. He has to figure this out on his own. He's 30, FFS. He's had plenty of chances. He needs to sink or swim on his own. If he doesn't get a degree, that is on him.

Thank goodness he at least isn't living in your house being a complete freeloader.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Sure, but he is the primary parent and seems to want to pay (and it sounds like you can afford it). I wouldn't want to create resentment.

We don't have any spare money lying around. We need it ourselves. There are lots of uses for the money - we need to replace a car, our dishwasher is dying at 15 years old, MIL's house needs repairs, we need more savings in emergency fund, etc. etc.

So paying for his education is not pain free.

Once we paid $20,000 for a year in a private school in an effort to prevent him from dropping out completely. He didn't study and failed half of his classes and dropped out anyway.

Then tell that to your husband and have him communicate to the 30 year old that you don't have the money. I think that is valid.