Ladies, this is not worth divorcing someone over -- forgive him & move on

Signed by someone who cheated long time with married man (and she should have divorced him for that but not for this)

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I am in the minority, but I would not treat this like a big unpardonable sin. One drunken encounter with a prostitute, with a condom, and he tearfully confesses? Marriage is long, and that is pretty much the least harmful infidelity imaginable.

I agree. Most of us had other sexual partners in our lives and it wasn't that big a deal. You might want to take this as an indication that he has desires that aren't necessarily being met. Too many people get married and forget that their partner has the same sexual appetite as when you first got together, they just aren't currently acting on it.
More importantly, the vast majority of affairs are short lived, most being a few times in bed. There is no reason to seek permanent solutions to a temporary problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forget it. Go to marriage therapy if you need to.

But if you do this, you don't lord it over him for the next 5 years and have it erode your marriage slowly. If you think the end is splitting up, rip off the bandage today.

And, can I say ... ewwwww? I don't think I'd feel cheated on, but I do think I'd have a hard time with losing my respect totally for my partner. I mean, we all make mistakes, but ...... eeeeewwwwww!

That's bull about ripping off the bandage. OP, you can control your recovery. No one else gets to set a time limit on your healing. Your DH should do whatever you ask of him that helps you, including marriage counseling, stopping drinking, etc. The average time for a couple of recover from infidelity is 2-5 years. You may well obsess over it, and that is okay. He should listen, answer questions, etc. He drove this train off the tracks; it is his responsibility to right it. You don't have to make any decisions immediately. Take your time.

And get over to survivinginfidelity.

Being perpetually angry and lording it over him for the next 5 years isn't going to help matters.

If her healing is going to take 10+ years and she is going to lose all desire/respect for him? Then they're better off apart.

Who said perpetually angry? Who said lording it over him?

Are you perhaps a cheater who has failed to help your spouse heal? Because you sound unbelievably defensive.

And you seem to find cheaters under every rock. I have not kissed another women since meeting my wife 15 years ago. It may be lack of opportunity on my end; it may also be that I don't put myself in a position to have opportunity.

Anonymous wrote:This transgression does not merit disbanding an otherwise sound family of five. Yet it's hard to dismiss any of the reactions here as unwarranted. Confessing definitely the harder road. I see both sincerity and folly in that. Do what you need to do to get past it.

Agreed. He confessed. This means he dumped all his guilt onto you. Not cool. Definitely the harder path for you. But... he may have done so not only to clear his conscience, but also to feel "real" about the intimacy he has built over the years with you. He could have easily lied, he didn't. He sounds like a keeper. Just my opinion.

Big, big hugs to you. I hope you find a better place in years to come and draw on your mutual strengths as a couple right now. I know everyone is focused on you, but the fact that he came clean means he's an emotional mess as well. This will sound crazy, but you need to help him heal too.

If anything about the friends, they failed him by letting him run astray.

I divorced a man over his infidelity. This, I would forgive.

But nothing like this can EVER happen again.

This transgression does not merit disbanding an otherwise sound family of five. Yet it's hard to dismiss any of the reactions here as unwarranted. Confessing definitely the harder road. I see both sincerity and folly in that. Do what you need to do to get past it.

Oppsies, more like bull shitsies

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, he came home and told you??? That says a lot. I'd think only a small percent of men who do the same thing would feel guilty, let alone confess. The fact that he has a conscience is a good thing.

I think he unburdened himself and took the easy way out.

+1

Anonymous wrote:OP - I appreciate the comments. It wasn't his friends at all. He got split up from them in the early hrs of the morning and he let a taxi driver talk him into it. He doesn't abuse alcohol regularly. In fact, I think part of the problem is that he doesn't drink much and tried to drink like he did in college that night with his friends. Clearly, he cannot do that anymore. He is taking full responsibility.
And yes,my strongest reaction is just how disgusting. Gross. And he is so undecidedly not gross. Handsome and perfectly kept. It's gross.

Honestly, I would have an easier time dealing with it if it was peer pressure from his friends. But him saying he let a total stranger talk him into it seems pretty lame. He was sober enough to have sex and remember all the circumstances that brought it about. Sounds pretty bad to me.

Anonymous wrote:Yea let's give all husbands a free pass as long as they were by themselves drunk and victimized

He's not getting a free pass. OP is choosing to work on the marriage. Big difference.

Yea let's give all husbands a free pass as long as they were by themselves drunk and victimized

Yeah, I tend to agree with 20:20. It would be way out of character for my DH to do something like that, and I can't see destroying our marriage over one night in Vegas....

Remember that HIV can take up to six months to show up on a drug test. Even if he his results come back clean- I'd wait a few months and retest before having sex again. If he was so drunk that he was not in control of himself and his actions, how is he sure that he used a condom?

How do you look?