Anonymous
09/17/2013 22:51
Subject: SAHM friendship issues
OP, it sounds like you are making progress in processing these friendship issues.
To answer one of your questions -- yes, it is rather odd to blame your daughter, when she is playing on her own. If you mean that your 2 year old's play is more solitary than a 3 and 5 year olds, well, that is perfectly normal. Why would you even think of blaming her for that?
To answer one of your questions -- yes, it is rather odd to blame your daughter, when she is playing on her own. If you mean that your 2 year old's play is more solitary than a 3 and 5 year olds, well, that is perfectly normal. Why would you even think of blaming her for that?
Anonymous
09/17/2013 22:39
Subject: Re:SAHM friendship issues
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, I can totally relate to what you are going through. I am a SAHM and I've been in moms groups for over two years, and while I feel like I have a lot of acquaintances, I haven't met a single person who I would consider a best friend or even a close friend. Yet I see other moms form these cliques, they text all the time, hang out on an impromptu basis, etc. I know that part of it is that I am not as naturally "warm" or approachable as some women are, and another reason is that I am the only mom in my area with a professional degree from a prestigious school (something I never mention, but which anyone who is FB friends with me knows). And, I just don't have a lot in common with most of the women I've met -- politically, religiously, culturally, etc. So these friendships are never going to get past a certain point and I have to be okay with that.
Another thing I've noticed that might be more relevant to you is that the women who seem to worm their way into the cliques the most successfully are highly available and not afraid to put themselves out there and make the first move. So you might have more luck approaching the women you think you would hit it off with one on one and asking them to get together outside of group events.
I don't think you're wrong to feel sad or rejected. It's really hard to make friends at this stage of life but it is normal to feel like you need women friends.
I would wager that the first reason you listed (not as warm or approachable) is much more of a reason for your lack of bonding with these women than the next reason (your "professional degree from a prestigious school").
Ha! I thought the same thing when I read that. I'm not a warm or approachable person and I'm also an introvert, so I know I've had trouble making friends because of that. I can tell you one thing though - anyone who spends any time making it clear to other people that she went to a "prestigious school" after about age 25 is probably not going to be someone I get along with anywayAnd PP, it might be on your Facebook page in the "About" section, but that doesn't mean people know it unless you're posting about it all the time. You might be overthinking the prestigious school bit....
Seriously, it is called dropping the H-bomb for example, most people that went to Harvard find a way to drop it into conversation within 1 minute, they drop the H Bomb. Call it something else for another ivy. Whatever.
I went to a "prestigious" university, but I wold NEVER bring it up on conversation, I mean why? I graduated 10+ years ago, who cares. FB poster thinks people are intimidated by her prestigious school. I doubt they ever give it a second thought.
Uh. This.
I have had an amazing friendship with a woman for the last 7 years. I have NO IDEA what school she attended. I do know she got her masters as some point and it must have been local.
What school one attended basically becomes completely irrelevant after you land your first job.
I think the poster has no friends due to false feelings of grandiosity.
Anonymous
09/17/2013 14:39
Subject: SAHM friendship issues
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Love the NYT article. I read it at the time it was published, and then again today with new eyes.
Yes it is jarring to experience these feelings.
I have a new perspective on friends from all of this. I liked part of the NYT article where someone said: "I take an extremely efficient approach and seek out like-minded folks to fill very specific needs....I have a cocktail friend and a book friend and a parenting friend and several basketball friends and a neighbor friend and a workout friend....It’s much easier filling in those gaps in my life than doing an exhaustive approach for a new friend."
At this stage, a traditional best friend is someone who happens to fit a few of those friend roles at the same time. I don't think I need that anymore.
Thanks all.
this is true a friend for the diff occasion. My only issue is being comforting in the bad/sensitive times I'm emotionally challenged that way but I know its something I need to work on because I lost a good friend because I wasnt completely there when her mom died.
Anonymous
09/13/2013 09:43
Subject: SAHM friendship issues
OP,
The impression I had after reading all your posts is that you might be a bit "forced" in social situations. Like, your anxiety about making friendships might make it very difficult. I have this feeling, that if I knew you, I might feel anxious around you. Or I might feel like I cannot get to really know you, because of this. I can't know without really meeting you though! I would suggest that you drop your emotional investment in this lady who you feels takes over friendships. It's just not worth your energy. I would suggest stepping back a bit and just listening in social circles and rather than deciding right off the bat that someone should be your best friend because of A, B, or C, instead just wait and see what develops naturally. This might take time! It could take a year! seriously. patience is important here!
The impression I had after reading all your posts is that you might be a bit "forced" in social situations. Like, your anxiety about making friendships might make it very difficult. I have this feeling, that if I knew you, I might feel anxious around you. Or I might feel like I cannot get to really know you, because of this. I can't know without really meeting you though! I would suggest that you drop your emotional investment in this lady who you feels takes over friendships. It's just not worth your energy. I would suggest stepping back a bit and just listening in social circles and rather than deciding right off the bat that someone should be your best friend because of A, B, or C, instead just wait and see what develops naturally. This might take time! It could take a year! seriously. patience is important here!
Anonymous
09/12/2013 21:44
Subject: SAHM friendship issues
"Stephanie" is an easy friend to have. She is fun, outgoing, organizes, reminds you of events/stories/situations you mentioned so you never have to worrry about a conversation starter. There will always be a "Stephanie" in every group. "Stephanie" makes it appear that they are the best of friends. It makes her feel good and it makes the other person feel good so they hang out with her.
Also realize that things are not always as they seem. You believe they are good friends but that might not be reality.
Also realize that things are not always as they seem. You believe they are good friends but that might not be reality.
Anonymous
09/12/2013 21:03
Subject: SAHM friendship issues
OP, here's the thing, many women think other moms are still playing queen bee/wanna bee HS stuff when it's simply not the case. Perhaps sometimes you see 1 + 1 and conclude 3.
Devil's advocate here. Perhaps these women simply have more in common with each other, perhaps they don't have time for more friends, perhaps you are aloof or socially afraid and awkward, perhaps something else... Your original post seems a tad needy and "reading tea leaves" if you will.
Tough love honey but put on your big girl panties and exist in the adult world. Be yourself, connect with other like minded people and friendships naturally form. If someone rubs you the wrong way, you needn't be friends. It's pretty simple. A lot more simple than HS.
Devil's advocate here. Perhaps these women simply have more in common with each other, perhaps they don't have time for more friends, perhaps you are aloof or socially afraid and awkward, perhaps something else... Your original post seems a tad needy and "reading tea leaves" if you will.
Tough love honey but put on your big girl panties and exist in the adult world. Be yourself, connect with other like minded people and friendships naturally form. If someone rubs you the wrong way, you needn't be friends. It's pretty simple. A lot more simple than HS.
Anonymous
09/12/2013 20:56
Subject: Re:SAHM friendship issues
OP- I have seen this too- not just SAHM (though now unemployed I am SAHM). There is one mom who I used to be friends with mainly due to DH and eventually I moved away from wanting to be near her.. this mom has set herself to be Queen Bee in our neighborhood. She has succeeded mostly with other moms who don't have kids her age (or really any kids). My family went to a school weekend event and our neighbor stuck mostly with one neighbor (who just moved in)- we were interacting with many families. I'd rather have friends at my kid's school than this wanna be Queen Bee. BTW- post this in the other forum for more replies,... best
Anonymous
09/12/2013 20:28
Subject: SAHM friendship issues
Anonymous wrote:OP, it seems you are a nice person but there is something weird and off putting about your posts. I think people avoid you because you are, well, weird.
I am sorry, I don't want to be not nice but you wanted feedback.
PP, feedback about being weird is non-spefic and non-helpful.
You're not weird, OP. You sound very normal to me and maybe a little depressed. I think you might want to talk to someone.