Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Based on your post, brother would be 21 so why isn't he driving yet?

He's 21. The not driving is another issue related to his mental health. He lives at home, doesn't go to school, doesn't work, doesn't help around the house - he lives a very sad sort of life. I don't get involved because it's not really my place nor my issue, but rest assured my boyfriend and I both keep ourselves at a distance as much as we can.

The brother refuses to get help or advocate for himself, as do his parents.

No, your boyfriend does not keep himself at a distance if he drives this guy around. I'm just pointing this out because if you get married, you are looking at a lifetime of this. If you and your boyfriend can TRULY separate yourselves from this enabling behavior, you might have a shot. Boyfriend needs to say, "I love you, {brother}, but you need professional help. I think that driving you to practice is preventing you from understanding how much help you need. If you need a ride to the therapist, let me know, but I will not drive you anywhere else."

Now, I know that anxiety is a very real thing, and needs to be dealt with professionally. But driving him around is ENABLING. He has NO MOTIVATION to try to better himself with therapy and possibly medication, since he gets what he wants without any trouble.

Well OP, when you marry someone, you also marry the family. You sound young and naive. Good luck to you.

Anonymous wrote:What did you do OP?

Well, that night I said no to driving him. I haven't been asked since, but am going to continue to say no. I have no problem setting boundaries and was planning to say no anyways, but I wanted to see what others thought - if this was just being selfish or if I actually was justified in saying no.

I'm pretty surprised at all the posters saying I should end my relationship over this though. My boyfriend is thoughtful, caring - an amazing guy. Clearly his brother's issues are not ideal, but I'm not dating his brother. I am not inclined to end an amazing relationship over something like this. His brother is struggling with a serious health issue; clearly, his family is enabling him and not encouraging him to seek the help he needs, but I don't really feel comfortable stepping in and offering my 2 cents either.

I am well aware of in-law issues and am cognizant of them when thinking about our future. However, if I refused to date guys with less than perfect families, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be dating at all (and nobody would want me and my slightly over-bearing parents).

What did you do OP?

Tell him to ride a bike, in all seriousness. It will give him some independence.

No, you should not drive your bf's mentally ill brother around. If his family chooses not to help him by getting him to see a psychiatrist and maybe getting on some meds so he can function (work/go to school/drive/pitch in on chores), that is their choice.

It's okay for you to refuse to take part in their dysfunctional set up. In fact, I strongly recommend that you refuse.

And listen to what others have posted about what the future could hold. They're spot on.